dirty lowdown @bozscaggz - Tumblr Blog

to everyone trying to help me rn:

thank u. but i would rather die

end quote

#lol #my bf broke up w me and i have no money or job or future #i will b starting a php bc ya know. theres no real reason for me to kms so i gotta stay alive somehow #um yeah #i hope my skin falls off

single (not of my own choice) and ready to f*ck again

#sigh #my bf broke up w me and i have been sleeping w this guy i had a fling w before my bf and #idk im way out of this guys league but hes hot so ummm #and he makes me forget how sad i am lmao #my bf broke up w me tho!!! so forgetting the sad is top priority rn

i am sad

#sigh #my bf doesnt... give me the attention i need #i have told him multiple times that i feel like i dont get enough #hes sorry but also unlikely to change in that respect #is he unwilling? am i just too much?#im gonna cry #i just want someone to love me the way i dream abt ya know?#and it doesnt seem like thats going to happen w him... which... i hate #sighghhh

nagichi-boop

Me: crying and feeling suicidal

Me, 10 mins later: I feel absolutely nothing.

just like... crying for the dumbest reasons and i cant figure out if its my period, the weather, the time of year, genuinely something to b upset abt, or just me being a fuckn idiot as usual. or some combination of those. like fr wtf is wrong w me?

#how do people deal w me lol #bpd #borderline thoughts #borderline personality disorder #someone help me im dying #im on my meds and everything #i want to explode

who gave me emotions and why did they do that

#god this is @ u i think #i dont even know what i believe in terms of spirituality but damn #if i dont hate having emotions enough to blame them on a higher power then #oof

it would b nice not to feel so ""in tune"" w other peoples emotions bc like half the time im picking up on my own bullshit that im projecting OR its me being hypersensitive to the slightest switch in mood and thats essentially just me being pathetic

#ooof we goin hard at ourselves tn #anyway fuck being myself #hate hate hate myself #only time i dont is when im not thinking abt it #and dont get me wrong i am thinking less n less abt it #but its an ever present aura of fuckery i have to deal w #fuck that who said i should come out this way?

its that time again! time to think: i would b due any day now had i gone thru w my pregnancy...

wahoo

#pregnancy mention #abortion tw #um #idk #does anyone wanna help me im having a small emotional breakdown #im so sad!!!

hi im a bad person, nice to meet u

#my bf loves me still and...#well i definitely don't feel deserving of such love #i... idk #:/

have i done something unforgivable? yupp

#and my bpd or depression or anything will never b an excuse #i hate myself #i really wish i had flipped my car today

hi ...

i found out my sister was pregnant back in feb, a few weeks after my abortion. genuinely forgot/blocked it out since i moved, until my mom started mentioning stuff abt my sister and how she was due soon. well, she had her baby, a healthy baby girl, and i went today to see her.

i held her, i cooed at her, i marveled at her, i cried over her...

im home now, w my bf (who i was w at the time of the abortion) and i feel like i need to scrape every last bit of clean skin off my body and into the trash. i gave him what sharp objects i had in my room for crafting and stuff (bc i threw my actual stash away when we moved) and im incredibly tempted to go swipe one of our kitchen knives.

im abt 280 days clean from sh today. i dont care. i am so sad that my sister got to have her baby and i didnt get to have mine. she gets this tiny, little human to love and care for and i just get a nice pit in my soul.

ik my bf doesnt want kids rn (tbh dk if he ever will) and when i try to talk to him he often doesnt have answers for me. but this is ... this is really hard. i would b due in a few weeks...

idk how else to deal w this w/o grabbing a kitchen knife and just shredding myself..

#self harm mention #abortion mention #pregnancy mention #self harm tw #cutting tw #sorry to throw this into the void i just really ....#idk how to resist this rn #im also like this close to impulsively sleepin w an ex fling to regain some feeling and thats also bad #so

..

#anyone wanna hear something fucked up and evil?#i texted this old 'bf' of mine just to see if he would answer me #and to see if he was seeing anyone #basically to see if he would b willing to see me on the side #bc im a horrible horrible person #cheating mention

hot take: people think they want a hypersexual partner until they get one

#i literally...#sigh #pls message me im bummed out and feel disgusting #like how else am i supposed to feel?#i feel gross for wanting to have sex all the time #i feel gross when he says no and i still want ro #i feel gross if i ask for attention (esp after hes done) bc like !!#how to not come off as a manipulativey and rapey asshole #help

thoughts:

i was drunk and revealed to my bf that i would marry him which is mega embarrassing ofc, but my friends have told me to think of it not as a drunk mistake to b ashamed of, but as proof that i am happy and in love w him

anyway sometimes it really is just abt how u look at things and the silver lining exists even if u urself can't see it

#mental heath support #idk how to get this to people who need it but #pls if u need anything just talk to me!!!#ive been thru it okay and i get it

okay im just here okay

its 2:15 and im thinking abt how much i love the people around me and how it doesn't feel real sometimes bc how can i have such good friends? how can i deserve people being that kind to me? people who can make me laugh or smile w no effort at all? people who love me back?

#idk its weird bc #like #i grew up feeling very unloved and it carried over until i was abt 21 and its #its so new to me to feel loved by people?#to know people love me instead of guessing? or saying they love me bc they have to?#its so weird im not used to this kind of thing #to love #yet for as long as i can remember ive been all abt it !!#idk friends #i just dont know

doeyedangel

How am i supposed to have a hot girl summer with all these scars on my arms 😞

#this is a mood #but also...#i have a lot of scars #and theyre not just lines either #theyre x's and words and very very visible #the thing is: ive only had 1 or 2 people say something abt them #u deserve to b comfortable this summer in case u were wondering #(also my drs never say anything and i recently got a tattoo and it went over some scarring and the artist didnt say anything)#(people can b kinder than u think)

gncfag-moved

i know its been said b4 but growing up suicidal and then reaching an age you never planned to live to is extremely stressful and terrifying, and we deserve more credit for not killing ourselves and THEN having to make up for the time we spent not caring if we lived or died and not doing work to improve our lives.

gncfag-moved

i feel behind in life because i spent the last 7 ish years not giving a shit about my future because i assumed id be dead before id have to deal with that, and now i have to start making decisions that many people started considering years ago.

gncfag-moved

i just feel like. suicidal people dont get credit for firstly, how stressful life is while suicidal, how difficult it is just to do simple tasks, and secondly, how hard it is to recover from years spent not caring once a person is no longer actively suicidal or no longer having suicidal ideations.

#hi #as someone whos attempted #and been hospitalized more than once #every day is a blessing and i mean it but it wasnt always like this #and if u told 16 year old me that i would b moving out of my parents house in w the love of my life when i was 23 #hell if u told me i would b driving by 23 #i would have cried at the thought of being alive w a future #seriously...#its so so hard to do things #and the only thing thats brought me comfort is that everyone else is also winging it #maybe in different ways but for sure winging it all the same

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