random thoughts

Don't even know what I'm doing here.

[braindamagednerd]

#12

Whenever people tell me how reasonable and grown-up I am, not acting like others my age...

I want to laugh. And I want to cry.

It's not like I wanted to grow up so fast.

I miss being a child. I miss the innocent illusion.

But after losing so many loved ones so fast and getting incurable ill... You grow up. Your inner child dies.

[braindamagednerd]

#11

Once upon a time

I didn't feel much anymore.

And I loathed it.

Now that I start feeling things again,

It seems that I'm constantly hurt by everything.

And I...

Don't know what to want anymore.

The End.

[braindamagednerd]

Never stop. Keep going on.

[braindamagednerd]

#10

I wish I could just

Not give a damn.

But I hear every whisper. I see the pity in your eyes. And I grow bitter.

[braindamagednerd]

#9

Whenever people tell me how "Stong" I am all I can do is laugh.

I'm many things

But strong?

Nah.

I'm not even strong enough to cry when I feel like it.

And while it feels like nothing changes, time flies by and I'm afraid I got stuck in the past.

[just-shower-thoughts]

An autoimmune disease is basically just a very cruel version of the ‘stop hitting yourself’ joke

[braindamagednerd]

It's really disturbing how hard I'm laughing right now

[braindamagednerd]

#8

I don't do "friendship"

I either consider you family or I don't care about you.

I'd do anything for my family.

But if you lose my favor. If I lose trust in you...

Well, you're gone. I won't waste a single thought on you ever again.

It's not easy to lose me but once lost, you're gone forever.

...it's kind of funny, because once I cared too much...

[braindamagednerd]

#7

Some men just want to watch the world burn, they say.

But

I want to throw the match that starts the fire.

[braindamagednerd]

#6

I'm officially a part-timer now!

The happiest I've been in months.

I tried not to show people how overworked and stressed I've been. Now I struggle with panic attacks, social anxiety, insomnia and depression.

Take better care of yourself and ask for help sooner than I did.

[braindamagednerd]

Something about me

I just wanted to leave a little story for today.

Some basic random facts about me.

I'm 21 years old and was diagnosed with MS when I was 14. The year I was diagnosed has been really tough on me... The same year some family members died and I broke contact with my father. What else? I'm german. I love metal 🤘. I'm a huge biology nerd, working as a biological lab assistant. Family and friends time is all I need be happy. I've been together with my boyfriend for 5 years so far, still don't feel the overwhelming urge to kill him which is nice. My greatest hobbies would be reading and singing (although no one would want to hear that).

My MS is a whiny little bitch. I have the relapsing type, so symptoms occure from time to time but most dissapear again. I've had 9 relapses (don't know if this is the right way to call it) so far. Permanent damages left: Ataxia in both legs, stairs aren't my best friends anymore. Also long time walking or simply standing doesn't work. Peroneus paresis on my left foot (I stumble, I fall, I walk like I'm drunk)

My sense of humor is so dark it sometimes frightens me but luckily all of my family and friends are the same. Just needed to add this to prepare you in case I drop a joke.

Over and out.

PS: I hate commas.

[braindamagednerd]

No matter what kind of disease you're suffering from, we all feel the same. Amazing artists! Can't wait to see them live at SummerBreeze18

[braindamagednerd]

#5

Fun fact about brain damage:

The way I walk might look funny to you

But I'm happy for every step I'm able to take

Just because there's no visible damage on the body, doesn't mean it isn't true.

[braindamagednerd]

#04

Losing touch doesn't feel nice.

I've lost touch with many friends throughout the years.

I've lost touch with parts of my family.

I've sometimes lost touch with the world.

But the worst might be

To lose touch with yourself.

How am I supposed to find my way back?

I don't even know where I stand

[braindamagednerd]

#03

Eventually, there will come a time when you need to step up for yourself.

It's okay to not be perfect.

Noone is.

[braindamagednerd]

#02

Even though words don't seem to come to me as easily as they used to there still is the comfort they always carried

If I listen to music, it's the lyrics I lose myself in the most

If I struggle to order my own thoughts I straighten them by reading books.

Words are able to manifest the feelings I can't even comprehend. I don't even know what's going on inside of me until I hear or read it and.. It just clicks.

I love words.

The power they inherit.

How they are able to change so drastically. Mean everything or nothing at all.

I feel like words don't come easy nowadays. Often there is simply to much going on simultaneously for me to get a grip on it.

I struggle a lot.

[braindamagednerd]

#01

People have been looking at me for years

That colored hair, the dark clothes

It didn't feel great but I dealt with it

It's s the things you endure in order to feel in peace with yourself. I like how I look.

Nowadays it's not these looks I feel crawling over my skin anymore.

It's the looks of pity

Looks of judgement.

Not because of the way I look

but the way I walk

And it hurts

It gives me anxiety

Because this isn't something I chose

This isn't something I feel good about

This isn't about being myself

I know I shouldn't give a single fuck

But you know what? I do.

It's not an act.

I'm just sick in my head