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Jolene by Dolly Parton except it's playing downstairs while you're laying up in the loft of your cabin listening to the thunder and rain hitting the roof tiles above you

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Jolene by Dolly Parton except it’s playing downstairs while you’re laying up in the loft of a cabin listening to the thunder and rain hitting the roof tiles above you

Twenty Six

I’m approaching my 26th birthday, and I’m being consumed by thoughts and the various versions of myself that could have existed.

If 16 year old me saw me, I think it’d be a bittersweet meeting. for a girl who once prided herself on being “straight edge,” I have problems with alcohol, smoke weed, and have recently picked up cigarettes. I’m in therapy and have anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I cling onto the past and I can be quite negative and destructive. She would have rolled her eyes if she saw me take a drag of my cigarette, judged me for the smell of weed on my shirt, cried if I told her I’ve blacked out and hurt the ones I love.

But if she saw past that, she’d see that I’m living in new york city. I have my own apartment, and I have a cat I call my own. I’m a college graduate, and I’ve managed to move steadily into the career I imagined having for so long. I’m in a loving, committed relationship. I have friends who love and accept me and I’m close with my family. I’ve traveled the world.

What I want for my 26th year is to be Exceptional. I know that I’m allowed to make mistakes, but I put so much pressure on myself to never fuck up that when I fuck up, no matter how minuscule the mistake, I feel catastrophic consequences. I’d like to lessen the amount of anxiety my expectations cause me. I really think that would clear up a lot.

#personal