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#random thoughts #i just want to matter

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braveenough

#myfaneyheart #allthefeels

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Blossom

In our secret garden, we stroll in silence Awkward pause, then our eyes meet with laughter Till we trade words, natural, flowing poetry All the things we talk about, serious or silly Coffee or tea, movie or book Parades or museums, let’s take a look Cycles to passions, seasons to reasons Hopes and plans, let’s take a chance A walk by the lake, we share The night is young with the stars aflame Long and long we sit and stare Then your lips part, as you whisper my name You say, “It’s fine, let’s take our time” Stay with me And make a little rhyme

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Musings

I am somewhat strange, difficult, and not your kind of perfect I stay hidden behind prose with a box of secrets waiting to be unpuzzled And for a long time I havent felt what it’s like to be in the state of utter bliss With a faint whisper, I say to you Distance can be traversed Time can be reversed Scars may be evident But beyond these walls, don’t stray Seek further Sorrow will be buried beneath the ashes We will find beauty, smooth and easy And for the rest of my days I’ll get lost in your gaze

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Brevity

On the edge of a skyscaper, we sit The sky is lilac, beautiful overhead Silence filled in the spaces between our fingers Till the stars appear along the city lights And the air around us becomes still In fear, i shiver I come to search for guarantee Maybe written somewhere inconspicuously Maybe somewhere suspended in oblivion As if fate is on my side I know too well that each time our eyes meet Everything else is a blur So stay and hold me together Better than gravity does

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Set Sail

As I am right here, for death has just released me

While you dream of life, love and fleeting pain

Waiting for the sunrise to set our skins ablaze, with your senses unraveling in the haven of my arms

Tomorrow, together

We’ll walk atop the bridges, the mountains, and the shattered pieces that would remain perfect as is

Beyond the stars

Behind those bars

Let us steer away

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Choosing You (one-shot)

“He’s not gonna make it.”

“Yeah well, what’s new?” inis na react ni Ash. Lumingon sya at natanaw si Julie sa may kitchen at nakangiting kausap ang ilan sa mga bisita nito. Binalingan nyang muli si Kevin. Ash took a deep sigh. “Go, ikaw na magsabi.”

“I think she already knows.”

Pagkatapos ng mahigit isang oras ay unti-unti nang umaalis ang mga bisita sa birthday party ni Julie, hanggang sa silang tatlo na lang nina Ash at Kevin ang natira.

“Guys, uwi na kayo. Kaya ko na ‘to.” sambit ni Julie.

“It’s okay, Juls, tulungan ka na namin ni Ash.” Kevin smiled at her. “Ahm, nga pala. Nag-message ba sa iyo si Moe?”

“Hm? Uhm-”

“As usual, hindi.” singit ni Ashley. “Iyong di nya pagsipot sa mga important events at okasyon, normal na iyon, kaya okay lang kay Julie. Sanayan na lang iyan.” sarkastiko nitong sagot.

Napangiti si Julie at napailing. “Nope, he didn’t send any message, pero…ang alam ko may lakad talaga sya ngayon.”

Maya-maya’y humarap si Ash kay Julie. “Umamin ka nga sa ‘min, meron pa ‘no?”

“Huh? Meron pang alin?”

“Ano pa, e ‘di iyong butterflies. Iyong something mo dun kay Elmo. Huwag ka nang mag-deny, di ka pa naka-move on ‘no?”

“Sira ka talaga, Ashley. Ano bang klaseng tanong iyan?” natatawang tanong ni Julie habang pinagpatuloy ang paglilinis.

“Sus! Beh, pinagdaanan ko na iyan. Iyang hitsura mo na iyan, iyang reaksyon mo, iyang kilos mo, nagawa ko na iyan before, saktong-sakto. Ganyan na ganyan. Paano ka ba naman kasi makakaalis dyan sa six-year-old feelings mo e hindi mo magawang dumistansya sa mokong na iyon.”

“Ashley, pwede ba.” si Kevin. “They’re bestfriends!”

“No, they’re not. Ako ang bestfriend ni Julie, si Elmo, sumingit lang iyon six years ago and since then hindi na huminto sa kaka-epal.”

“But they’re still friends.” katwiran ni Kevin. “And no matter how much you feel for someone, if you’re friends and you’re close and you understand each other in a really special way, you can’t just take a step away from that person that easily.”

Nakangiti lang si Julie habang palipat-lipat ang tingin nya mula kay Ashley papunta kay Kevin at pabalik ulit kay Ash. HIndi na sya nagreact pa dahil alam nyang matatalo lang sya sa kaibigan. But deep inside, she couldn’t help but feel sad and disappointed for a couple of reasons: first, sa hindi pagdating ni Elmo sa birthday party nya na ito mismo ang nagplano and second, sa realization na tama si Ashley, those stupid feelings are still there, and they were never gone.

“O sya, tama na iyan. baka mag-away na naman kayong dalawa e. Mabuti pa-” Napatigil si Julie nang biglang bumukas ang pinto. Sabay-sabay silang tatlong napatingin sa pintuan at nakita si Elmo pagbukas nito.

“Better late than never.” bulong ni Kevin.

“Hmp. Late pa rin.” bulong naman ni Ash.

“Hey.” sambit ni Elmo, saka ito lumapit sa kanila. “Sorry, I missed it.” sabi nito kay Julie.

“Okay lang. Akala ko ba may lakad ka ngayon?” si Julie.

“Maaga natapos.” Saka sya nagabot ng isang di kalakihang paper bag kay Julie. “Happy birthday.” And he gave her an apologizing smile.Julie smiled back at kinuha ang bag.

“Thank you. Kumain ka na?”

“Uh, yeah. Hm, may tira pang cake?”

Inayos ni Julie ang makalat nan lamesa sa may terrace ng apartment nya. Habang kumakain si Elmo’y nakatingin naman sya sa dog na stuffed toy na laman ng paper bag na bigay sa kanya ng binata. May suot itong dog tag na may pangalang ‘WACKY’. Napangiti sya at binalingan ang kaibigan na mukhang ineenjoy ang mango bravo cake na hinain nya rito.

Then Moe looked at her and their eyes met. “What?” tanong nito.

“Anong what?” tanong ni Julie.

“You can’t just stare at me like that, you know? They might think you’re in love with me.” Mahinang natawa si Julie at saka sya nagtaas ng kilay.

“And you can’t just…treat me the way you do, they might think YOU’RE in love with me.” ganti nya kay Elmo.

“Bakit, in love naman ako sa iyo ah.”

“Yeah right. For once, stop flirting with me, okay?”

“Bakit, nahuhulog ka na?” pangaasar ni Elmo. Julie rolled her eyes.

“Isa na lang, ikaw ang ihuhulog ko dyan.” Tumayo si Julie at saka lumapit sa may railings ng terrace at pilit na nilipat ang atensyon sa malamig na hanging dumadapo sa mukha nya.

“Why so serious.” sambit ni Elmo bago nya ubusin ang orange juice sa baso nya. And then he stood up and found himself a place right next to Julie. Sinulyapan nya ito at napansin na seryoso nga ang mukha ng dalaga at mukhang napakalalim ng iniisip. “Hey.” tawag nya rito.

Tinignan sya ni Julie. “Ano?”

“Six years.”

“Huh?”

“We’ve been doing this for six years.”

“Doing what?”

Elmo took a sigh, looked away and smiled. “This same…exact moment…when I’m right next to you and you’re there, so quiet and I look at you and wonder ‘what the hell is she thinking right now?!’. Six years. And there was never a time, na kapag magkasama tayo, may ganitong moment. And until now, I’m still wondering. You still make me wonder.” At saka ito biglang natawa. “Wow, how korni is that?!”

Natawa rin si Julie saka sya tumalikod at sumandal sa may railings habang si Elmo nama’y nakaharap pa rin sa kabilang direksyon. “You don’t have to know everything that I’m thinking about.” sambit ni Julie.

Tumango-tango si Elmo. “Yeah, well, may point ka. I would say the same thing to you. I can’t tell you everything that runs through my mind, you might use it against me.”

Ngumit si Julie at nilingon ang kaibigan. “Baliw.” Moe just smiled and they spent the next few minutes standing next to each other, facing the opposite directions and saying nothing to each other. And it’s on those moments when their hearts speak the loudest. If only they can let each other know what and how exactly how they feel.

“Juls!” biglang tinawag ni Ashley si Julie. “Halika, dali!”

“Wait lang ah.” paalam ni Julie kay Elmo bago nya ito iwan. Sinundan ng tingin ni Elmo si Julie at nakatanaw sya habang kausap nito si Ashley at may tinatawanan ang mga ito sa cellphone ni Ash.

At habang magisa syang nasa balcony ay pinako nya ang atensyon nya kay Julie habang inalala ang usapan nila ni Jethro kanina. Nasa send-off party sila ng boss nila at ni-require lahat na um-attend kaya hindi sya nakaabot sa party ni Julie kahit na sya ang nag-prepare at nagplano nito.

Nahuli sya ni Jeth na uminom ng dalawang magkasunod na bote ng beer sa may bar.

“Uy, pare, okay ka lang?” tanong ni Jeth habang pumwepesto ito sa tabi nya. Naroon silang dalawa habang ang iba’y nagsasayawan at nagkukwentuhan sa dance floor. “Pang-ilan na iyan.”

“Dalawa lang pare, di ako pwede malasing, may pupuntahan pa ako pagkatapos neto.”

“Iyong party ni Julie, ngayon iyon diba?”

“Oo. Dun nga ako didiretso after dito. Sana makaabot.”

“Tsk, tsk.” sambit ni Jeth habang umiililng. “Sanay na rin naman si Julie sa iyo, pare. You always miss the special occasions.”

“But I can’t miss this one.”

“Bakit? ‘Cause she’s finally 22 years old? Anong meron sa edad na 22?”

Natawa si Elmo habang nakatingin sa screen ng cellphone nya. “I’m planning to tell something to her tonight. And I’ve been…preparing for this, for years.”

“And what’s that?”

Moe shook his head. “But I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Well, if you’re to going to wait until you’re ready, you might never get the chance.” Nilingon ni Elmo si Jeth. “Pare, matagal na tayong magkaibigan and I know you well enough to assume kung ano iyang nararamdaman mo.”

“Ano sa palagay mo ire-react nya?”

“Ewan ko. Kelan pa natin naintindihan ang mga babae? We can never figure them out.”

“I feel stupid.” mahinang sabi ni Elmo.

“You should.” Napatingin ulit si Moe sa kaibigan. “All these years, what did you do? You had 3 girlfriends, all were serious except for the last one na feeling ko napilitan ka lang na iwork out iyong relationship nyo. You went in and out of Julie’s life, for many many times, you kept your distance from her and you came back, you kept your communication but there are times when you were completely ignoring her, and then you appear again and she’s all you want to talk to, and want to be with and you flirt with her and you do things for her you haven’t done for anyone else. You two have the complicated friendship ever, but you still ended up staying in each other’s lives and refusing to walk away. And now…you finally decided to tell her. Yes, you’re stupid. Dahil dapat, noon pa sana sinabi mo na.”

“Para namang ganun kadali.”

“Walang madali pare. Mahirap lahat iyan. It’s just a matter of making a choice. You just need to choose between making it hard for yourself or making it hard for you both. Trust me, you don’t want to be in the ‘too-late zone’ for the rest of your life.”

“But what if it’s already too late?”

“Pupuntahan mo naman sya mamaya diba? Tomorrow may be too late, but you still today.”

Humugot nang malalim na hininga si Elmo habang nakatanaw pa rin kay Julie. Binalikan sya nito na nakangiti at natatawa pa rin. “Baliw talaga iyong sina Ash at Kevin, kinunan ba naman ng video si Zen na lasing at sumasayaw at inupload pa sa facebook.”

“Okay lang iyon.”

“Isa ka pa. O, ano tapos ka nang kumain? Magliligpit na ako.”

“Pinapaalis mo na ako?”

“Actually, kanina pa kasi tapos iyong party. Buti nga pinakain pa kita ‘no.”

“Dapat lang ‘no. I planned all of this. I made your party happen.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t here.” sabi ni Julie. Saka na sya nagsimulang magligpit.Tumahimik na lang si Elmo at pinanood si Julie habang nililigpit ang pinagkainan nya. Huminga sya nang malalim.

“Jul.”

Nilingon sya nito. “Oh.”

“Uhm. There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Ano iyon?”

“Moe!” Sabay silang napalingon at nakita si Alice. Ngumiti ito kay Julie. “Happy birthday, Julie.”

“Alice.” Nilapitan sila nito. “Thank you.”

“I’m so sorry to come here uninvited. Jeth told me you’re here, Moe,…can we talk?” sabi nito kay Elmo. “Please?”

Umalis si Elmo kasama si Alice nang walang sinasabi habang si Julie nama’y tahimik na naghuhugas ng pinggan sa may kusina kasama sina Ash at Kevin.

“Diba si ex number two iyon?” si Ash. “Iyong pinakamatagal?”

“Hm-hm.” sagot ni Julie.

“Ano naman kayang kailangan nun?”

“Baka makikipagbalikan.” si Kevin.

“Malamang.” mahinang sinikuhan ni Ashley si Julie para agawin ang atensyon nito mula sa mga pinggan. “Uy.”

“Ano?”

“Ano masasabi mo? Okay lang sa iyo?”

“Na alin?”

“Na maging sila ulit. Diba sa lahat ng mga ex ni Moe, iyon ang pinaka-ayaw mo?”

“Grabe ka Ashley, di naman sa ayaw. Hindi lang kami naging close.”

“Tse! Hindi ka naman talaga naging close sa kahit sinong naging girlfriend nun e. E di torture sa iyon everyday.”

“Tigilan mo nga ako, Ash. Wala nang feelings, okay? Moved na ako. Nakausad na. Open na ulit ang heart ko for somebody else!”

“Weh! Iyan na iyan ang saktong sinasabi ng mga taong hindi pa nakakapag-move on. Sabihin mo na kasi sa kanya, mas mapapadali iyan promise.”

“Ayoko nga ‘no. Isa pa, matagal na iyon. Kung may feelings pa ako hanggang ngayon, hindi na tulad ng dati. Malay mo, bukas, wala na talaga as in wala na.”

“At kelan pa nangyaring mawala ang feelings mo over night???”

“Malay natin.”

“No. Never ‘no. hay nako, bahala ka na nga.”

Hindi na bumalik si Elmo sa apartment ni Julie hanggang sa makaalis na sina Ash at Kevin. It’s almost 2:00 am pero gising na gising pa rin ang diwa ni Julie at dahil hindi talaga sya makatulog ay binuksan na lang nya ang TV at nanood ng movie habang inuubos ang ice cream na natira sa ref nya.

Nawili na sya sa panonood ng isa sa mga favorite nyang pelikula nang biglang mag-ring ang phone nya. Pangalan ni Elmo ang lumitaw sa screen. Sinagot nya iyon kaagad.

“Oh, Moe.”

“Bakit gising ka pa?”

“E bakit ikaw gising pa.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Same here.”

“Are you eating?”

“Ice cream lang. Sayang e.”

“May ice cream ka pa pala di mo mang lang ako pinakain kanina.”

“You don’t like ice cream.”

“I do, sometimes.”

“Oh, ba’t napatawag ka?”

“Wala lang.”

“Anong…nangyari sa inyo ni Alice.”

“Ah.. wala iyon.”

“Kwento dali.”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Of course, I do.”

Julie heard how Elmo took a deep sigh. “She ah…she said she missed me. And uhm, she wants us to be friends again.”

“At narealize lang ya iyon bigla kanina? At napasugod pa talaga sya rito ah.”

“She’s leaving this morning, magbabakasyon sya sa States and she said…pagbalik nya.. she wants us to…try.”

“Try what?”

“To start over.”

“Ohhh. I see. So in short, nakikipagbalikan.”

“Parang ganun na nga.”

“So, ano sabi mo?”

“What do think I told her?”

“I don’t know. You still have her pictures on your phone, minsan tsine-check mo pa rin iyong facebook account nya and may times din na nakikita ko name nya sa inbox mo. Gusto mo pa rin siguro sya ‘no. Pumayag ka siguro.”

Matagal na hindi sumagot si Elmo at nanahimik lang sa kabilang linya. And when he spoke again, he suddenly changed the subject. “You never told me you broke up with that guy.”

“Sino? Kay Percy?”

“Yeah.”

“I already told you. Ikaw nga una ko sinabihan e.”

“Well, sinabi mong narealize mo na hindi mo pala sya gusto, and that nabigla ka lang nung sinagot mo sya. You were never in love with him.”

“That’s the reason.”

“But why?”

“Why what?”

“Have you really never fallen in love with someone?”

Si Julie naman ang natahimik. She didn’t expect na itatanong iyon ni Elmo. And she didn’t even expect na magkakaroon sila ng ganung klaseng paguusap. It’s too serious and deep for both of them. They don’t normally talk about each other’s love lives.

“Uhm…once, I guess.”

“Sino?”

“Matagal na iyon, wala na iyon.”

“Sino nga?”

“Basta. Wag ka na nga makulit.”

“Then what happened?”

“Nothing. Nothing happened. It was…I don’t know…one-sided, I guess.”

“And you never told him? Teka, kilala ko ba iyan? Baka si Kevin yan. O kaya si Jeth.”

“Sira! Hindi ‘no. Basta. Yeah, I didn’t tell him.”

“Why?”

“Wala lang.”

“Bakit nga?”

“Bakit baa ng kulit mo. Ba’t mo ba tinatanong?”

“Kelan iyan? Yan ba iyong times na, ‘di ako nagpaparamdam sa iyo?”

Natawa si Julie at halos mailuwa ang kinakain na ice cream. “Ano?!”

“You know what I mean. Iyong mga times na..I was so busy with my life and other stuff.”

“Ganun ka pa rin naman ngayon ah. Actually, parehas lang tayo. And I don’t know, I can’t remember kung kelan iyon nangyari.”

“How did you it was one-sided?”

“Duh. Mararamdaman mo naman kung walang feelings sa iyo iyong isang tao ‘no.”

“What if meron pero di lang din nya sinabi?”

“Well…ewan, baka hindi lang meant to be.”

“What if, one day, bigla syang babalik sa buhay mo and he will tell you he fell in love with you, too, anong magiging reaction mo.”

“Depende.”

“Depende saan?”

“Depende kung,,,mahal ko pa rin sya.”

“Bakit, mahal mo pa rin ba?”

Napabuntong-hininga si Julie at tinitigan ang TV screen at saka sya ngumiti. “Siguro. Konti. Oo.”

And there was a moment of awkward silence. Mula sa kabilang linya’y naririnig ni Elmo ang sounds ng palabas na pinapanood ni Julie. “Flipped.” Sambit ni Elmo. “You’re watching Flipped.”

“Yep.”

“I’ve seen that movie twice, I can’t believe it.”

Natawa si Julie. “Maganda naman ah.”

“You made me watch that, remember?”

“Di naman kita pinilit.”

“Julie?”

“Hm?”

“What time is it?” Sinilip ni Julie ang alarm clock sa tabi ng bed nya. “Two-fifteen.”

“Tapos na birthday mo.”

“Yeah.”

“And I just lost my chance, again.”

“Ha? Anong chance?”

“Could you do me a favor?”

“Ano na naman. Pinalipas mo lang ung birthday ko ah, magsisimula na naman iyang mga pabor mo.”

“Iba ‘to.”

“Ano nga.”

“Labas ka muna.”

“Saan?”

“Dito sa labas ng apartment mo.”

“Bakit???”

“Because I’m here.”

Paglabas ni Julie sa apartment nya’t wala roon si Elmo. Tahimik ang buong koridor at medyo madilim. Mula sa third floor ay bumaba sya’y lumabas ng building, patungo sa may open lot kung saan naka-park ang ilang kotse ng mga nakatira sa gusaling iyon. Maliwanag sa parking lot at kaagad nyang natanaw si Moe na nakasandal sa lumang kotse nito.

Lumapit sya sa binata. “Kanina ka pa dyan? Anong drama mo?” natatawang tanong ni Julie.

“Di naman. Mga thirty minutes.”

“E ba’t dito ka tumambay? Kumatok ka sana.”

“I didn’t want to wake you up.” Tumabi si Julie sa kanya’t sumandal din ito sa kotse.

“Hindi pa nga ako nakakatulog e. Pagod na pagod na ako pero ewan ko ba.”

“Baka naman because your brain is still too busy getting rid of me.”

Natawa si Julie. “Baka nga, ‘no? Whew, ang hangin dito ah.”

Pagdaka’y binuksan ni Elmo ang pinto ng kotse sa may backseat at may inilabas na malilit na garapon. “Here.”

“Oh my gosh!” Kinuha ni Julie ang garapon na may lamang tatlong alitaptap.

“Belated happy birthday.”

“Wha-, teka san mo galing tong mga alitaptap?”

“Sa likod ng bahay ni Jeth, di ko alam ba’t ang daming alitaptap dun.”

“E ba’t 3 lang?”

“Wow, ang appreciative mo talaga e ‘no. Kapag kinulong ang mga alitaptap sa garapon, mamamatay sila agad, tatlo lang iyong kaya kong isakripisyo para sa iyo.”

Napangiti si Julie. “Thank you ah.”

“Nakabawi na ba ‘ko sa di ko pagsipot sa party mo?”

“Hmm… medyo.”

“Medyo lang? Those are freakin’ fireflies! Ako pa nanghuli ng mga iyan ah. Tapos medyo lang?”

“At least kahit papaano.”

“Hay grabe. O eto, siguro naman dito makakabawi na ako.” At bago pa man makapagtanong si Julie ay muling may kinuha si Elmo mula sa kotse nya at napatili si Julie nang ipakita ito ng binata kanya.

“OMG!!!” tili nya.

“Huy! Tulog na mga tao, volume ng boses mo.”

PInahawak muna ni Julie ang garapon kay Elmo saka nya kinuha ang karga nitong puting Japanese spitz. “Aww…oh my gosh. Sa ‘kin na ‘to?” Tumango si Elmo. Then Julie saw the dog tag tied around the puppy’s neck with the name, WACKY.

“Hi, Wacky!” At saka niya ito nilaro-laro at niyakap nang ilang ulit. “Oh my gosh, he’s so duper cute!”

“Oh ano, nakabawi na?” Julie looked at him swearing the happiest and sweetest smile he’s ever seen.

“Bawing-bawi na.”

“Sus. Aso lang pala katapat mo e.”

“Tse!”

“Huwag mo naming panggigilan, pag napilay at namatay iyan d ko na papalitan ah.”

“Moe.”

“Oh.”

Ngumiti na lang si Julie and she suddenly planted a sweet kiss on Moe’s cheek. “Thanks. Sobra.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome.” At saka na sya nagsimulang magseryoso ng mukha. “Can I ask you something? And I want a really serious answer. An honest answer. A blunt answer, if it has to be.”

“What is it?”

“Do you hate me?”

“No.”

“So if you don’t hate me, you like me.”

“Oo naman. We’re friends, we’re supposed to like each other even if we don’t want to.”

“So if you like me…” Moe took a long pause and stared at Julie’s pretty face. “You love me. Right?”

Nagkibit-balikat si Julie. “Is it possible not to love someone you like?”

“Yeah?”

“Ano ba talaga iyong tanong mo? Na-o-awkwardan na ako sa iyo ah.”

“Have you ever…you know…felt..something…weird…alam mo na.”

“Ha???” Natawa si Julie pero there’s something inside her na kinakabahan na. Moe hasn’t been like this for a long time. No, actually Moe has never been like this before. Everything about him at the moment is strange and Julie can’t figure out what’s happening to him.

“Have you ever felt something for me before?” Then Elmo finally dropped THE question. Muntik nang mabitawan ni Julie si Wacky sa gulat nya.

“What?!”

“I’m serious.”

“Ano bang-“

“You never said no to me, sa lahat ng mga hiningi kong pabor sa iyo, you never said no. You’re always there for me, even when I’m being so annoying and cold and rude and arrogant. I’m always flirting with you kahit na nung times na may girlfriend ako but you didn’t stay away.”

“Because you’re my friend-“

“But everything I did, we did, we made each other feel… normal friends don’t that. Normal friends don’t hold each other hands like we do, they don’t stare at each other’s eyes like we do, they don’t talk to each other like we do. We’re not just friends, we’re more.”

Napaawang na lang ng bibig si Julie at hindi na nya kayang ialis ang pagkakatitig nya kay Elmo. For six years, she’d never thought those words will come out from his mouth. For six years, all she got from him were mixed signals, flirtations, and unrequited feelings.

“Have you never felt that? That…you’re possibly in love with me? That I might be in love with you?”

Julie shut her eyes for a few seconds and then took a very deep breath. She looked away and then stared at Elmo again. “I have. Actually, I have. Actually, ang totoo nyan…I was in love with you. And it started when you were too busy with your life and other stuff. Nagpaparamdam man o hindi, nagtetext o tumatawag ka man o hindi, sumusulpot ka man o hindi, naalala mo man ako o hindi, my feelings stayed the same. They got even worse, I think. They got deeper. But so what? It’s not that important, anyway-“

“Not important? Seriously?”

“Oo bakit, ngayong alam mo na, ano? Ano gagawin mo?” tanong ni Julie. “It happens, it’s inevitable, friends develop feelings for each other but it doesn’t mean na-“

“I’m in love with you.” Julie stopped talking and looked at Elmo. Those words echoed in her head over and over again and she couldn’t move. She couldn’t even feel Wacky in her arms anymore. Her body has become numb and her heart could explode any moment. “At hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. And it already makes me feel stupid. I was planning to tell you sooner pero I can’t. The fear of saying it, and admitting it,..it kind of breaks me. And you know me well. I hate the things that break me. But what can I do? I couldn’t do it anymore. So right now, I’m doing it. Between my fear and you, I chose you.”

Julie tried to grasp for breath at hindi nya mapigilang mapahawak nang mahigpit kay Wacky. She looked down and watched the 3 fireflies flying around the jar trying to find a way out. She secretly smiled. “Oh my gosh..” mahinang sambit ni Julie

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m just gonna go-“

“Those fireflies…parang ako lang.” biglang sambit ni Julie. “Caught up in a huge jar of feelings that I had and still have for you.” Hindi sya nakatingin kay Elmo at nakatitig lang sa garapon na hawak ng binata. “Never stopped trying to find a way to escape, to get out. Kasi….nasu-suffocate na ako e, ang hirap nang huminga. Ang tagal, ang tagal ko ring nakakulong. And I’ve never felt so relieved when I finally got out.”

Pagtingin nya kay Elmo’y ito naman ang nakayuko at nakatingin sa baba. Tumango-tango ito at tila naunawaan na ang gustong sabihin ni Julie. “I get it.” He tried to sigh the heaviness away but it was too difficult. He smiled at Julie. “Sorry.”

“Paasa ka kasi e. E kung umamin sa akin agad, di sana ako nahirapan ng ganon.”

“For the record, I wasn’t aware that I was falling in love with you. Nung na-realize ko…you were…you were already too close to me. And I thought kung sasabihin ko sa iyo, I might lose you and our friendship. I can’t lose both.”

Unti-unti nang gumaan ang pakiramdam ni Julie at napangiti na sya kay Elmo. “So…ikaw pala ang in love sa ‘kin. I was right.”

“Tse.” Sagot ni Moe. “Whew. That was awkward. Oh.” Saka na nito binigay kay Julie ang garapon. “Sa iyo na iyang mga alitaptap mo at iyang aso mo. Uwi na ako.”

“So…tapos na speech mo?”

“Really? Pumasok ka na nga sa bahay mo at matulog. I knew it. I shouldn’t have told you, you will definitely use it against me.”

“Teka lang.”

“Ano na naman.”

“Ako rin may speech, di pa nga tapos e.”

Nakahawak na sa nakabukas na pinto ng kotse nya si Elmo pero hindi pa sya makasakay dahil kay Julie. “Niloloko mo na lang ako e.”

“Iyong feelings ko para sa iyo…hindi ako pinatahimik, hindi ako pinapatulog nang maayos minsan, hindi ako pinapakain nang matino minsan. And whenever you’re around, hindi moa lam, sobra kong pinipilit na hindi ipahalata. Dahil kung may takot ka, meron din ako. I used to hope n asana isang araw, you will walk to my door and tell me na you feel the same. I used to wait for the moment when you would realize I am more than what you see. I used to…dream about us, being more than friends. Until I got exhausted and everything felt pointless. Alam mo bang, sinubukan kong mag-move on sa iyo without eliminating your existence from my life and imagine how hard that was for me. Trying to unlove you while being with you. Pero nagawa ko, or at least I thought I did. Kaya lang, sablay e.” Julie tried to hold back her tears while smiling at him. I even came to the point when I was so angry at myself and I kept on asking…hanggang kelan ba ‘to? How long will I have to secretly love you? How long will I have to bear hiding this feelings na hindi ko kayang sabihin sa iyo? How long will I have these stupid butterflies? I guess…as long as…I don’t really know. Well… ayaw talaga maalis e.

Umiwas ng tingin si Elmo at hindi na naitago ang mga ngiti. He closed the door of the car and turned to Julie again. “So, you’re saying?”

Nagkibit-balikat si Julie. Well siguro…between my fear and you…I’m finally choosing you, too.”

END……..

Isa nanamang magandang dahilan para sabihin kong isa akong proud supporter (adik/faney) ng nagiisang Julie Anne San Jose! Congratulations on this great achievement. Isang patunay lang na "best things come to those who work their asses off and never give up" Keep it up mi love! 😉😘👌👏🙌 📷 myjaps twitter account

julessanjose-deactivated2018111

Paralysis

Disabled

Impaired

I stand with slow thoughts, slow emotions

Settle down

Shift positions

Cold and helplessly breathing

With nothing left to hold

Julie Anne San Jose (@julieannesanjoseofficial) is definitely not your average kind of girl and undeniably one of the most talented girls of her generation. Julie Anne San Jose at the #LuckyChinatownCNY2016 event last 07Feb2016.

#julie anne san jose #myjaps

justliketheoldstars

Wonderwall

“Yes?”

Elmo asked her as he smirked.

Julie blinked at him with confusion. “Huh?”

The two of them were sitting next to each other in the library of her college. It was already four in the afternoon and her last class just ended while Elmo’s classes were all scheduled in the morning so they agreed to meet up at the library where he had been waiting for a few hours until her classes were over. He was reading a book when she arrived and they decided to stay for another hour so she could also get a few homeworks done as early as possible.

A few minutes into writing though, her thoughts wandered from her history paper to Elmo as her gaze suddenly landed upon his face and they stayed there until he finally looked up to her and caught her eyes.

His smirk then turned into a full blown smile and laughed softly. “Why are you staring at me?”

“Am not!” She countered rather defensively.

“Are too,” he answered right back. Then that oh so familiar smirk returned again. “Gwapo ko ba?”

“Whatever,” Julie said, rolling her eyes.

She actually wanted to say yes but refrained from doing so to prevent inflating his already large ego. She was guilty anyway, so she just surrendered to avoid prolonging an argument that she knew herself she couldn’t win.

She has been doing that a lot lately–just staring at Elmo. Sometimes intentionally, but most of the time she just usually found herself staring at him for so long like he held all the questions of the world. And maybe he did, at least of her world. She just couldn’t help it and it’s not just because of how good looking he was, but also of how Elmo was very patient and passionate with her.

He chuckled smugly, knowing that he just won. There was another teasing looking on his face before he spoke again. “Sagutin mo na kasi ako. Para hindi ka lang puro titig sa akin ng ganyan.”

“Ganyan?” Julie repeated, a frown settled on her forehead.

“Ganyan,” he shrugged. Elmo glanced at her then went back to the book he was reading before she came in and sat on his side, smiling knowingly. “Parang gusto mo ‘kong halikan.”

Julie blushed furiously but tried to hide it by laughing as quietly as she could and smacking him on the shoulder. “Sira ka talaga!”

“Sige na kasi,” he teased further as he feigned a hurt expression while rubbing his shoulder.

“Ano? Sige na, sagutin na kita?” She whispered mockingly as she went along with his playfulness, leaning forward to him thinking it would make him uncomfortable.

As it turned out, she was wrong because Elmo leaned closer into her, his breath touching the corner of her lips. Then he answered seductively, “Hindi. Pa-kiss naman.”

The move obviously caught her off guard, her face heating and red. She moved away from him as fast as she could, afraid that he would hear how fast her heart was beating from his proximity.

“Hay nako. Ewan ko sa'yo, Magalona!”

Elmo had been courting Julie for almost a year now but she had been adamant to take things slow and he was all happy to comply–which she didn’t exactly understood. She thought 10 months was too long for a guy to court someone and while Elmo would sometimes keep on asking for her yes, he had been really patient and understanding.

It wasn’t like prolonging the courting stage was a test for Elmo; she just really had hang ups about love and relationship. It wasn’t like she was cynical about these things either, she considered herself a hopeless romantic in fact. But she also was a realist. And part of her reality were a broken family and a complicated childhood. Her parents separated when she was just a kid but both had their own new families. And all of them were happy. So yes, Julie believed in true love and happy endings but she knew that not everyone was lucky enough to make it last forever. Just like how her parents weren’t able to stay together.

He just shook his head lightly and was about to go back to reading when he turned to face her again. He raised an eyebrow to her, a small smile on his lips but his voice was void of any teasing when he asked. “So bakit nga?”

He stared at her, waiting patiently for an answer, while she just stared back at him. And again, the endless clouds of thoughts started to swirl in her mind.

In the ten months that Elmo had been courting her, they had become really close–way closer than regular friends would be but a little less than how two people in a relationship were supposed to be. Elmo had earned her friendship, her trust and her affection. Despite of the walls still up around her, Julie had actually let him in quite a little if not fully.

There was just one thing Elmo was yet to earn completely though: her heart. But he might as well was on his way to steal it from her because of the way he took care of her, the way he made her laugh, the way he made sure to call her every night and a lot more. It was just her stubborn mind that wouldn’t cooperate completely.

One thing that Julie really loved about her ‘relationship’ with Elmo was that they were more like best friends who just happened to be attracted with each other. They had always been honest with each other and, most of the time, were comfortable in speaking their thoughts unfiltered. With the exception of the depth of feelings about him, she told almost everything to Elmo.

Which was why even though she was hesitant, she trusted that Elmo would give honest answers to her questions.

“I’m just wondering…” She started slowly. “Why haven’t you given up yet? It’s been what, ten months?”

His face was blank for a moment then another small smile formed slowly on his lips. “Why? Do you want me to give up na ba?”

“No!” She said immediately and when she noticed that his grin got wider, she realized what her reaction just implied. She blushed for the third time that afternoon and tried to backtrack. “I–I mean I don’t know. That’s totally up to you. Bahala ka,” trying to shrug nonchalantly but to no avail.

Just when Elmo was about to open his mouth to say something, the university bell rang indicating that administration offices were about to close, including the library, so she quickly stood up and gathered her stuff, trying hard not to look at him. She could still feel his gaze on her as he also stood up to get his books and it even made her face more heated than it already was. Julie practically ran out of the library, not waiting for Elmo, but she could hear his footsteps following closely behind her so she didn’t bother to look back even until she reached his car in the lot. He still opened the door for her though which she really appreciated and as they drove to her house, she couldn’t help but stare at him again.

“It’s because of that,” Elmo said, breaking the comfortable silence between them without even glancing her way.

She blinked once again at him as she was caught off guard by his random talking.

He chuckled lightly as he finally spared a look at her. “You asked me why I haven’t given up on courting you. It’s because of that.”

“What?” Julie asked, dumbfounded.

“It’s because of the way you look at me every time I catch your stare,” he elaborated further. He then smiled sheepishly before adding, “I might sound conceited for saying this but I think you do want to be with me as well..”

She didn’t know how to respond to that.

But Elmo continued, not waiting for her response. “You’re just scared. I’m not exactly sure of what, but I know you’re scared of something. And I see it every time you look at me like that. It gives me hope that one day, hopefully soon, I will finally figure out what’s scaring you and put that fear to rest.” He gazed at her ever so softly as he spoke the last sentence gently. “Then maybe, just maybe.. You’re going to finally be ready to be with me.”

Elmo stopped the car and she looked around, confused. Julie realized then that they just arrived in front of her house but she didn’t want to go home just yet. They weren’t done talking anyway. So she released her seatbelt, twisted around the passenger seat and leaned back against the car door to face him fully.

Julie tilted her head to the side as she looked at Elmo intently. “How can you say that? You say that like you already know me so well.”

And maybe he did. Heck, thinking about it, he probably knew her better than anyone else.

Elmo released his seat belt as well, mimicking her position on the driver’s seat so now they were facing each other except he wasn’t leaning against the door. He sat up straight and moved forward to her to take her hands and held them in front of their bodies.

“Julie, I’ve been courting you for ten months already. And we’ve known each other for about two months before I fell for you. Of course, I do know you. I pay attention to everything about you,” he countered as he moved his thumbs slowly around her knuckles.

His answer made her smile. She knew this for a fact but she didn’t realize how much he actually paid attention to all the things about her. She was touched that Elmo liked her enough to really put so much effort in getting to know her. As a child of a broken up parents, they loved her but she wasn’t really given that much of attention especially when her parents married other people and started building another set of families.

Squeezing his hands and sitting up straight as well so they were now very close to each other, she decided to humor Elmo and asked what else he saw when she looked at him like ‘that.’

Elmo happily obliged as he stared directly into her eyes. She could see the intensity of the emotions behind his eyes and she couldn’t help but get lost in them as he spoke. “Your eyes seem full of wonder. Maybe what ifs. I’m not really sure, I just know you but I’m not a mind reader either. It’s like every time I catch you looking at me intently, you’re having an internal battle with yourself. Like you were weighing the pros and cons of being with me.” He shrugged.

Julie didn’t speak for a few minutes after that. She just let everything Elmo said sink in. Everything he said was on point and she couldn’t have said it better herself. Because the truth was she really wanted to be with him. She wouldn’t let him stick around for ten months if she didn’t want him. It’s just that every time she would think she was finally ready to give her answer, she would chicken out because of all the things running through her head.

“It’s like you’re a wonder wall to me,” she just blurted out. She said it so softly she was kinda surprised that Elmo still caught it, just proving that he really paid attention to her.

“Wonder wall,” he repeated as he pondered on the word. “I kinda love and hate the idea of that,” he smiled at him though there was a crease on his forehead that indicated his confusion.

She shrugged as she looked away. Then she added, “Well, we both know I still have these proverbial walls up around me that make it hard for you to figure me out at times.”

“Yeah..” He agreed, laughing lightly at her defensive tone.

She couldn’t help but smile at how Elmo could be really accepting of her flaws. She let go of his hands though and put a little space between them so she could think straight. His warmth and proximity had been very distracting to her and she wanted to try to finally open up to him completely.

She then proceeded to reminisce and told him something she had never shared with him before. “I have this white wall in our old house’s backyard before we moved. And when I was younger, I would sit in front of it, especially when my parents would fight, and I would stare at it for so long. Just thinking and imagining a lot of stuff. Sometimes I would draw or write on it but only inside my head because I wasn’t allowed to vandalize our own property. But that wall helped me figure things out.”

Julie remembered those times. Her parents would start talking calmly but there was always that underlying tension around them then their voices would raise on each other. Before they even get to the shouting and screaming at each other part, she would escape the house to the backyard. A few feet across their house’s white wall, there was a big tree that had been there even before she was born. She would sit under its shade and Julie would just stare at the wall, waiting for the shouting to die down. As she waited, her thoughts would wander and she would imagine a different kind of home where her parents never fought. They loved her so much and never neglected her even when they broke up but she still wished they were able to work through their marriage for her sake. Whose child wouldn’t want their parents to stay with each other and grow old together, right?

Going back to the present, she stared at Elmo for the nth time that afternoon as she went on.

“And sometimes, I can’t help but look at you through those walls. I’ve always wondered how it would feel to finally break them down and just let you in,” Julie explained, reaching out again for his hand and she held it with both of hers. “I wonder about the things you could make me feel; the things that I could make you feel. I wonder about the endless possibilities and the amazing adventures I could have with you. I wonder how it would feel like to be with you.” She smiled every time that thought would cross her mind. But it also faded as a frown appeared between her eyebrows. “But I also ask myself if I’m finally ready to give my heart out fully. If I can finally be vulnerable to someone like that. I’m scared to give someone the power to hurt me. Honestly, I’m scared of being hurt,” she finally confessed her fears.

Elmo smiled and tried to assure and comfort her. But she saw an ache in his eyes. “So what you’re trying to say is that you’re scared of giving your heart out to me?” He asked hesitantly as if he’s almost afraid to hear her answer.

He probably knew that as much as he wanted to put that fear to rest, he couldn’t do anything about it really because it was out of his control. It was going to be all up to her. And knowing Elmo, he would want to fix everything for her.

“No,” Julie assured him. And even though it scared the shit out of her, she finally admitted, “I’m.. I’m scared of you handing it back to me.”

She saw how that little confession affected Elmo ultimately. The ache in his eyes was immediately replaced by so much hope that even when he wasn’t smiling anymore, his eyes were definitely twinkling.

“But you do want to be with me, right?”

Because she realized now that it’s time for her to fix everything herself. There’s this boy who had been patiently waiting for her, and though he had already waited for ten months, she also knew Elmo wasn’t going to wait forever. He was eventually going to get tired of hanging around even if he didn’t want to and he was going to be her ‘the one that got away’. And she didn’t want that to happen. Elmo had done everything for her and now it’s her turn to do everything for him because he deserved it.

Julie had loved him from the very first time he asked her to be his girlfriend. She wasn’t ready to take the risk before but now she was.

“I do.”

She was only able to whisper those two words because even though she had this newfound courage, the whole thing was still scaring her shitless. But the conviction and honesty behind them were unmistakeable as she was finally putting her heart out there. She was finally breaking the walls down, giving him the power to throw her heart away and step on it anytime but she trusted him enough to take care of it.

Of course, the ever gentle Elmo Magalona securely held her proverbial heart in his hands as that oh so familiar smirk settled upon his lips.

“You’re looking at me again like you want to kiss me.”

And as she realized that she had also grown tired of just wondering and staring through the proverbial wall, she leaned forward to him and wrapped her hands around his neck to pull him closer, the center console of Elmo’s car between them.

“It’s because I’m about to.”

She whispered as her lips descended to meet his.

team-cia-faney-blog

#JuliElmoPagsusulit Answer Key

If you’re using desktop to view this document, you can click on some of the answers it will provide you the link of the where we get our answer (further evidence)

Okay, so many of you are requesting if we can post all the answer so here’s all the answer on #JuliElmoPagsusulit

1. What is the full name of Julie and Elmo’s character in Wazak?

Answer: Julie Anne Capule and Elmo Montero

2. "Ano ba ka?“ Who said this line and which act?

Answer: Julie, Act 1

3 .What was the last song Julie and Elmo sang on the Wazak Musical?

Answer: Love Story Ko

4. What was the title of the song Cindy and Rocky sang after Cindy help Rocky to button his shirt?

Answer: Sana’y Laging Ganito

5. What is Cindy’s job in the play "Noli Me Tangere”?

Answer: Stage Manager

6. “I know they’re good for each other because they bring out the best in each other.” Who said this?

Answer: Maxene Magalona

7. When did Julie tweet, “@SuperElmo gusto mong ice cream?"

Answer: 8/11/2012

“Thank you parekoy! Sana lagi kang andyan! :)” When was this a message on Ely’s whiteboard?

Answer: Episode 6 - July 22, 2012

9. The video below was the closest encounter of JuliElmo on stage in 2015, what is the title of the song they were singing in that opening prod?

Answer: The Edge of Glory

10. When did Elmo started posting at Plurk?

Answer: 3/17/2009

11. Even though our beloved tandem had been separate for almost 2-3 years now, GMA News TV’s show "Ang Pinaka” includes JuliElmo in one of their list of “2015: Ang Pinaka Hot na showbiz Love Team”. What is their rank on the said list?

Answer: 7th place

12. What was the food Tracy cooked for Joey?

Answer: Spaghetti

13. Santi and Kim were eating something before Santi’s aunt came downstairs, what was it?

Answer: Bananaque

14. What is Beto’s full name in Just One Summer

Answer: Maria Bettina “Beto” Reyes - Salazar

15. What is the brand and model of the car used when Nyel (Elmo) and Beto (Julie) had their first date?

Answer: Jaguar, XJ

16. When did Lizzy finally made Bryan her boyfriend?

Answer: 7/24/2011

17. How many time did Julie and Elmo hold hands during ‘Right By My Side’ prod?

Answer: 4 times (0:58, 1:25, 2:08 and 2:51)

18. What is the title of the song that Elmo is singing when she gave Julie a cotton candy?

Answer: Somebody

19. In one of the Party Pilipinas VOX, there’s a skit where Elmo accidentally got shot by a gun, what was the title of the song Julie is singing while Elmo is dying in the scene.

Answer: Without You

20. Fill in the blank: “Julie, thank you, thank you so much dahil sobrang, uhm, marami na tayong _________ at marami na tayong naexperience ________ and uhm, excited pa akong mas ______ pang ma-experience with ___.”

Answer: pinagdaanan, together, marami, you.

21. The above video is a plug for a Party Pilipinas episode, what was the title of the supposed theme?

Answer: Party Pilipinas: Buhos

22. What is Julie’s “Ikaw Na Ang Da Best” moment?

Answer: Ate

23. What is Elmo’s “ikaw Na Ang Da Best” moment?

Answer: Master Rapper’s son

24. How many times did Julie and Elmo say/sing the word “ko” (ko'y included) on “Bakit Ba Ganyan” prod in Party Pilipinas?

Answer: 10 (2:18, 2:38, 2:50, 3:23, 3:26, 3:51, 3:54, 3:56, 3:59, 4:33)

25. When did Elmo tweet: “Songs of @myjaps are #madebetter by my raps! RT if you agree!” which followed by Julie’s quote retweet: “Sige na nga RT. Lol RT @SuperElmo: Songs of @myjaps are #madebetter by my raps! RT if you agree!”

Answer: 1/10/14