I was 22 when I met you. A lot of people say you meet your soulmate by that age. I thought I had found them. You were everything I ever wanted and dreamed about. Life was beautiful for once; my demons faded for a long time with you. That’s the worst thing about our end, they came back. They had been silenced and they were fucking angry.
One thing about anxiety and depression that most people don’t realize, is that everyday is not a bad day. I can have some pretty amazing days and still feel like I’m going to go into a panic within a matter of seconds. The days I’m able to stand up to that make me feel like the greatest person in the world. The problem is, when it hits and you don’t have the strength to fight it, it hits HARD. It’s difficult to put into words the feeling that runs through you in a manic state.
I fell in love with you so fast and I know that was the worst thing in the world to do. We barely knew each other. The circumstances of us meeting were definitely less than ideal. The fact that you weren’t out to anyone in your family was trying at the best of times (I’m still insanely proud of you for eventually coming out to your brother though). But it wasn’t all you. I let my own insecurities and issues get in the way of us. I wish we both could’ve been more understanding of what we were doing to each other.
In the end, it hurt to watch you move on and figure out your next steps. I’m probably the worst person in the world for saying that, but at the time I had lost who I thought was my dream girl. The only person I had contemplated spending my life with. I know now that you didn’t feel the same, but that devastated me at the time.
In the past I’ve blamed my issues on my parents and my upbringing. While I think those things do play a factor in how we’re taught to handle situations, as a 26 year old I can tell you now that I’m a horrible person. I’m selfish, lazy, and very, very controlling about a lot of things. I can recognize those faults, but correcting them has been difficult. In all honesty, I haven’t really worked on any of them. Mostly due to the fact that I put my job above all else.
This is my open letter to you so I’m laying it all out on the table here, I’m not going to lie to you any longer. In the past ten months I’ve done a lot of drugs, drank myself into oblivion more times than I can count, had multiple different partners and regretted all of them the next day, and I got very close to dating someone. It’s all the same bullshit that I do after every terrible situation I’m in.
After all this, I still love you more than I think you will ever realize. But please, don’t love me back because I couldn’t deal with losing you a second time.
Goodbye Annie, you will always be my first “big love”
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