and pour me out

◇◇◇ 31 ◇ queer ◇ they/them ◇ depressed and anxious, but who isn't ◇◇◇

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Made my therapist laugh so hard she cried a little in session today, so not that I'm thinking about getting a good grade in therapy or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's an A.

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Having accommodations for school is great, and also it's wild to be getting them for the first time in grad school... I truly just suffered for years.

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In therapy talking about re-emerging depression and being dumped and SI thoughts and then going, "Remember Sharknado?"

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When I was a teenager and grown men hit on me (which, fortunately, I only dealt with a few times), I assumed they thought I was older than I was. Now, it's unsettling to consider that they may have been fully aware that they were talking to a high schooler... but I do still love my response from when I was at a concert, and a guy who had been talking at me asked if I wanted "to get out of here":

"...I'm fifteen. You're older, I'm guessing, since you just got alcohol, which I am not old enough to buy because I'm fifteen. So I'm going to go find my mom, because I'm here with my mom, because I'm fifteen."

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I'm actually never going to learn how to play a class other than Ranger.

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DND campaign blew up like three years ago now, and somehow I am STILL bringing up my girl (Dragonborn ranger/sorcerer/but barely on the sorcerer bc I didn't want to learn meta magic) in therapy.

(At one point, my character got an item that gave her the ability to fly, but no one else in the party knew and it kept not coming up, and I was like, "okay, the further we get from her gaining this ability, the funnier it's going to be when she just suddenly starts flying" and anyway, things had kept coming up that were getting in the way of telling my therapist about a new development in my life, so obviously that's the same.)

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Last couple therapy sessions have been, "Here are some of the ways I struggled as a child and now see potentially connect to autism" and it's kind of heavy because it's stuff like self-harming behaviors starting at six, learning to make myself throw up when I was like eight, hating myself for crying... so my therapist encouraged me to do something nice for my eight/nine year old self (around the age more focused on today), like listen to music that I liked then.

My first favorite CD was Avril Lavigne's first album. So I put that on, and was thinking about how listening to it was the start of my favorite songs never being the ones that get put out as singles. And I was remembering what my favorite songs from the album were... "Things I'll Never Say," "Anything but Ordinary," "My World"... a motherfucker has really always been autistic and found the most autistic way to relate to the CD I listened to every night as I went to sleep.

Also, there are some innuendos I definitely didn't get as a kid that I now recognize and retroactively feel my younger self being embarrassed about, and I'm trying tell them it's chill when my nine year old self didn't want my sign to be Virgo because it was the virgin and that was about SEX.

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Speech hasn't been working great for me this evening. Earlier at the studio, I tried to tell someone, "No worries" but it just came out, "Worries."

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I had an extremely detailed dream that Scrubs came back, just for a few episodes, and at the very end of the new episodes J.D. came out as nonbinary.

Was so disappointed when I woke up and realized that wasn't real.

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Wait, Scrubs is back now....

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One time at summer camp, I was struggling to come up with a camp name for myself and suddenly felt a time crunch to decide on one. I looked around the room I was in and chose my name based on something I saw in my immediate surroundings-- an incredibly nonbinary move on my part, and I still thought I was cis at that point.

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Shout out to when I was a weird little kid who once celebrated Friday the 13th by sprinkling salt on my classmate's shoes.

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Texting my therapist from the club

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Jesus fucking christ, being autistic is so embarrassing sometimes-- I went to put air in my tires, and I was at a different place than usual, and at the pump the sign was like, "Free Air - No Parking in This Area" and there were some cones on either side of the space about not parking there, and I'm staring at it confused like "how do I use the pump if I can't park here" and I park a space over and the hose is long enough to reach but it's not that convenient and I'm looking at the setup going "do you think this makes sense if you're not autistic," and anyway, they mean don't park and leave your car there, the space is only for when you're using the air pump, but I had done three out of four tires by the time I understood this, so

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When king penguins suddenly stretch out their necks... it's unsettling...

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So how do I get myself to go numb if I don't drink or use drugs and I've stopped cutting... feels like I'm taking a lot of options off the table...

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My body, apparently: "Best I can do is COVID."

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So how do I get myself to go numb if I don't drink or use drugs and I've stopped cutting... feels like I'm taking a lot of options off the table...

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The class I'm working with started watching Tangled today, breaking my 15+ year commitment to the bit of never having seen Tangled because when it came out, I went to see it in the theater with my mom and friend, only it was sold out when we got there so we saw Black Swan instead.