Breeanna

Lazy, Compulsive, Indecisive, Creative, Over all... Lovely! var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-24185101-1']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })();

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Awesome.

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Spring Morning

Its days like these that make me stop and think and appreciate nature and life itself. When the sun shines down the way it does on a warm sunny spring morning I feel a sense of tranquility, and can simply close my eyes and feel content. Walking down my road I can smell all kinds of life blossoming around me. The trees are budding, and wild flowers are growing everywhere. The grass is getting long enough to mow, and a mowed lawn is one of the freshest pleasant scents I have ever smelled. You can feel the quietness, knowing that most people are inside their houses, just waking up, probably drinking their coffee and eating breakfast. The new day is peaceful and fresh, even the birds are waking up, chirping and singing to praise the new day. Everything is so pretty and gentle, and makes me feel whole.

 I feel like one piece to the world, as if it’s a puzzle, because everything is so perfectly fitting. The only flaws I can think of the asphalt that makes my road, or the houses. Sometimes I like to think of what it would be like if it was just a dirt road and the only house around was mine, but then again, in some way the houses make fit together even more perfectly, with all the different colors and shades of the houses, their box shapes and clean landscaping. It is like a children’s storybook picture that was drawn very carefully, by an artist who took his time to draw every little detail with much love and thought in hopes of making the reader drift away into the picture, feeling like they are there in the story. It is perfect.

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I want to be here.

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I want to move here.

Park City, Utah.

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I love attic bedrooms with every fiber of my being.

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Dream.

I was at a friend's house I never knew, down the dream version of Burridge. I wasn't supposed to be there, and crawled home at 5:00 in the morning to Molly's. She said I would be in trouble, and that I'm lucky I got away with it. Before I knew it, I was shopping at my mom's store, but it didn't even look like it. The boy who was bagging for me, just looked at me, and stopped. He invited me out, and I just followed him like it was no big deal. We got into his car, and we sat in the parking lot. Now the place was completely unfamiliar, but I didn't care. I asked him how old he was, but he didn't answer. I decided it was best I didn't know. We drove to a movie, which is all a blur in my mind now, but I know we saw one. Then he took me to dinner, which I also cannot remember. It was late and I didn't even know where I was. I knew I was far from home because I couldn't recognize anything. I knew I would be in loads of trouble, for it was going on midnight. I arrived home early the next morning, in another unfamiliar setting. I told my dad I did something bad, but It wasn't what he thought. He was furious I just ran away with a stranger, but it didn't last long, and he walked away. It would never go down like that in real life. I brought the boy in, now realizing I didn't know his name and introduced him. My dad was still upset but said nothing, and I pointed out all of the flaws that this boy had to my dad.

Before I knew it I was out shopping at a place that seemed to be like walmart. I remember wanting to find a black bra. Whatever I bought, he payed for, and then all the sudden we were back at my Grandma's in her living room, but she wasn't there. He said he was tired and to come nap with him. I don't know what it was, but I couldn't because I was busy with something else. Then out of nowhere my parents are there, telling me about how he was with this other girl who was madly in love with him. I looked her up on facebook (now, somehow in my bedroom) and saw she was real. She was really skinny with short hair, and then I understood what I had to do. Move on from this kid before I actually started liking him. I confronted him in what I think was my grandma's living room. He denied, but when I proved to him I had proof, he didn't have anything to say.

That is all I can remember, and then I woke up and couldn't sleep for hours. I remember he had brown eyes that struck a bell quite a few times while laying in bed. I wonder who this dream person was representing...

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2012 is going to be like the refresh button on my computer. Every day is a chance to start over or to change things, but a new year is a new time to create a new, and improved you. I plan to push everything negative aside, and move on from previous relationships the best I can. I don't want the negative energy some people deliver. It just brings me down with them. I don't want that. I need to move on if no one else is. I can tell this year is going to bring a lot of changes. Maybe moving, possibly.... (If I win that HGTV Dream home!) Finishing and starting a new grade. Maybe even starting at my community college for a little. I want to get ahead, and make friends.

I find myself as a very social person,who when started, can't stop talking. I can be shy at times, but I feel I can be a bit charming, over all nice person. (Right?) The only problem is I find myself having too much hostility towards people for little to no reason at all. I like to be alone and live on my thoughts, rather than hear other people's thoughts, which is what you get out of talking. You get someone else's thoughts. Sometimes I am unhappy with how lonely I get, but get too impatient when I am surrounded by people. Sometimes I don't even want to hang out with my dearest friends simply because I don't want to give up my peace and quiet. So could I be able to have friends? I wonder sometimes maybe I am the way I am because I have been so detached from the world for 4 years.

This year, what I truly want to accomplish is writing. No matter what it is, I want to write. I have a few ideas for a book, but I feel like thats too much of a challenge. If I start writing and then stop for a month because I get bored, I will never get it done.

Am working on losing weight. I don't care how much I lose, I just want to be comfortable with how I look. All of this dieting and exercise isn't so bad after all either. I have already lost around 6lbs. And I did it the healthy way too.

This is going to be a good year. I can tell.

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If I am not mistaken, it has been 5 months, 18 days, 20 hours. 169 days total.

I couldn't believe it has been that long. It has been so easy! I thought I would be stuck with my disorder for the rest of my life. Who would have known I was going to successfully drop it at 15? Sometimes, I feel like I can conquer trichotillomania, then I can conquer the world. As if anything that comes my way it won't be truly half as bad as what those six years of my life were. I feel like I have found the solution to life.

The truth is- I had to really want it. Of course I wanted to stop pulling, but only to an extent. I was never happy with how it made me look or how it made people feel, but I basically got high off of it, and never wanted to truly leave it behind. The power you have when you realize you truly want something is unreal. I had to really want it, and I knew when I did. To anybody who is reading this and suffering, you will too. You will know. Don't worry if you don't feel that way now. Don't confuse yourself with wanting to want, from just truly wanting. You could just be setting yourself up to fail. If that happens you will only cause yourself to believe you aren't capable of it when you really are. You will be ready someday, and when that day comes you will just know.