Iāve been applying for every weekend job I can find with not too much luck. Which is a bummer. This rent thing is serious business. Itās worth being on my own, obviously. This is more of an observation.
I went to the Broad the other day with Paloma and then went to West Covina to have a meeting with Mattās teacher. Both things really made me reflect on how much Iāve changed as a person. Mostly good, I think. But at the broad I got legitimately excited about some very pretty things. I donāt get that excited about things like that anymore. About romantic things, I guess. But thatās something Iāve always liked to get excited about. Iām trying to figure out why. Iām thinking Iām just not putting myself in situations to appreciate those things as often.
Following is Matt rant so it can easily be ignored. It is for my own venting purposes and for me to keep track of where I am with Matt.
Matt is blerg. Iāve been home about once or twice a week lately because Matt is failing everything and Iām trying to help my mom. I know she doesnāt have it in her to give Matthew the outrageous amount of effort that he requires. Itās just been getting harder lately. Itās been depressing me how hopeless itās all starting to seem and how mean of a person heās growing up to be. I still try to make a point to not stoop down to his level, but he immediately gets there no problem. Iāve made a point right from the beginning to communicate that I am not going to speak disrespectfully to him. Iām going to avoid low blows. Iām not going to curse at him. I told him this to show him that any disrespect he decides to show me is uncalled for and whatnot. He was doing pretty well with it for a while. He would curse, begin to tell me to fuck off, but then stop himself and try to say things more rationally.Ā
By the end of our fight I was shaking, I was getting in between him and my mom, my head hurt and was pulsing because I couldnāt comprehend how he could show so much disrespect to my mom. When he finally gave up he told me,Ā āGo fucking kill yourself already, Bree Anne. Nobody fucking wants you,ā and walked away. Which I realize is a dumb statement coming from him. But I couldnāt really handle it. Itās been a while since I just couldnāt handle something. I couldnāt feel my legs so I sat down and I had another panic attack. It sucked and it was embarrassing. Iām scared that theyāre going to become a regular thing.Ā
It just completely baffled me how it was possible for that to come out of his mouth. My head filled with the fact that he has definitely said this to the rest of my family, and how fucked up that is. I donāt know if my first response was to have a panic attack because I have been suicidal. Iāve talked about this before, maybe not on this blog. I think it had more to do with him telling it to my family. Miranda has been so depressed sheās been locked in her room for two weeks. Katie feels worthless. My mom tries her hardest and is given nothing in return. They are or have been emotionally and have all at some time seriously believed that they were better off dead. Yet, he tells his family to kill themselves because his phone is taken away when he gets straight Fās. And he canāt comprehend the logic behind that despite the fact that I had clearly explained it to him every week since the beginning of summer. I obviously didnāt hate him in that moment. But I have never felt more frustrated at him or felt a complete loss of how to approach any aspect of his dysfunction.
It is now several days later and Iām back to where I was. I spent the last couple of days at home helping him with math and whatnot, only to leave to a,Ā āfucking leave, Iām doing this shit for you.ā Iām trying to take deeper breaths. Iām trying to be open to each ridiculous thing that I learn he believes and see it as a challenge rather than add it to the list of reasons why this is completely useless. Blerg.
