Real talk: If you cheat on your partner in a relationship that was, by all communication and agreements, monogamous, and then use excuses that your reasoning for doing so was because you don't wish to be monogamous AND then proceed to then stay with one person after having done so -- that's fine. It's hurtful, but every human is allowed to do what they wish on this planet.
But if you do so with the supposed intention of growing as a person without relying on other people, the simple fact is that you're not doing yourself any favors when it comes to growth. You don't have to be alone, forever. Being alone sucks shit. But doing so in this fashion simply isn't growth. There's no way it can be.
This isn't me being an armchair psychologist. It's literally what therapists will tell you.
Everyone's healing is different, everyone has trauma with which to deal, and nothing is a straight line. But an inability to consider the pain that you inflict upon others in your life is a condition. It's one that will continue its cycle until you put a stop to it, and if you don't, you're doomed to repeat that cycle.
People wonder why I moved from the city that I loved, leaving behind literally everything, my friends, my family, my home, and most of my possessions, in the past few months. I did that because I very literally had to put myself into a completely different environment in order to change my own cycles.
For all too long, I have accepted and allowed people who have and do hurt me, repeatedly, because I believe in autonomy. And I still do. I will not, however, pay the price of my own health because I believe that people are who they are. I have literally done that since I was 12 years old, and I refuse to continue down that path.
I have, in the past, ended up in relationships again very quickly after another one ended. And in each case, I have felt that I was growing and moving beyond trauma, because I was open about what that trauma was with a new partner, and they insisted that they heard and saw it, and wanted to give me the world.
And I, in turn, wanted to give the world to them, and then some, because that's literally what I do, and have done, for my whole life.
But I now realize that in my doing that, I was doing a disservice to myself, because I didn't clearly identify why I wanted so badly to be with another person -- and the simple fact was, I didn't want to face my trauma.
Well, guess what I've done over the past four months, through deep therapy? Looked at my trauma and abandonment issues, in a very deep way, that show me why I feel this way, and what has led me to allow people to so greatly take advantage of me, starting with my father, and moving on up through every single long-term romantic relationship in which I have been involved.
I have never, ever cheated on a partner, and never would, because I know the pain that it brings. I'm on my now third round of having been cheated on. One of those occasions was in my marriage, a union that I very literally went into with every intention of being in it for the rest of my life. The day I got married was, actually, the happiest day of my life. I actually couldn't stop crying at the "altar", because I was so happy. And I don't believe that my reasons behind that marriage were driven solely by the need to not be alone. In fact, I know they weren't.
I had told that person all of my pain of my previous relationships. They knew my traumas, and then they inflicted the same trauma on me, again, and completely broke me down.
I did that again, in my most recent long-term relationship, and the same thing happened to me, literally almost to the same timeline and timeframe. It led to me trying to kill myself.
I'm not trying to whine and complain, here. I'm stating that at some point, I have to realize that I have to change everything in my life, everything that I can, to shake off this rust that continues to try to eat me alive, because I really do truly want to be happy with myself, and be able to be happy with someone else. There isn't time for this insanity anymore.
I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone else, I'm really not. But, to see a person tell you that they are trying to change their behavior and then continue the exact same behavior, only now amplified because a new person also practices that behavior, is truly sad. It makes me sad for that person, but I can't be their keeper, anymore. I did that for a long, long time, and it led to me being completely used up.
