BRIAN FLIME

organizing my thoughts by dropping them here. mostly harmless, sometimes profound, definitely overthinking it all.

[brianflime]

intro

Hi there, I’m Brian Flime, a 20-year-old guy, currently studying in Brussels. Welcome to my blog — or as I like to call it, my journal.

Why an online diary/journal, you ask? Well, back when I was a little boy, I would keep diaries for everything — and I mean every subject would have its own book (I never completed any, btw :)). For example, the wellbeing and behavior of my animals would be documented, the typical “my day, my feelings” diary I kept as well, and even when my grandfather gifted me a selection of old coins, I investigated every single one and wrote it all down in a little book, hoping to find an old pirate coin. Sadly, no luck there.

Girl, I was such an iconic little disaster, if I may say so myself. I remember catching my tears in a little vase (don’t ask me why I did that), I even taught myself to cry on command. Now I don’t cry that much anymore — I believe I ran out of tears, and the little pot I threw away long ago, so I don’t have any stored either. All that blood, sweat, and tears for nothing.

Anyway, as I found all these books back, it started to itch — to reinvent my journaling a little. But now that I’m a bit older, I need more structure. I want everything in one place. So that’s what this journal is for: to type out my thoughts about life and everything I think of in general.

But don’t worry, I’ll be selective with what I share, because I think a lot — like, a lot lot. I’d love to tell you what to expect on this journal, but since I’m no fortune-teller, I don’t know what I’ll be thinking about tomorrow or the days after. So all I can say for now is: stay tuned. I truly hope my thoughts are entertaining in some way. And I don’t know how consistent I’ll be, either — fun comes first for me, that’s the only way I want to journal: by having fun and making fun.

In the past, I found it kind of sad that nobody could read my writing, and I would always act like I was a best-selling author (cringe, I know). No but seriously, I wanted people to read my thoughts, but I didn’t want to know them personally — because that’s scary. So I invented a false audience instead (hahaha). But then I figured the internet could be exactly that: I get this feeling of being heard, if that makes any sense. Which makes my urge to write even bigger

[brianflime]

People see atheists as non-believers. GURL, I made up a whole religion and it's housed in my head and heart.

It's true! People think atheists don't have any beliefs. And it's true that I don't believe in a "god," but that doesn't mean I have no beliefs at all. I believe in nature, science, education, and so much more. I have my own beliefs, and the only difference between mine and those of others ( I would call it, no offence - a commercial religion), is that mine isn't written down in a book. There are no other people who can say they have the exact same beliefs as I do. And there's no hell, no sins. There's just me, because that's what it's about. My religion is just me and what I stand for, and the beauty is that it can evolve alongside me as I grow. That's the point of not writing it down and housing it in your heart instead, because otherwise, the words you pen down today might be considered holy in a thousand years, and I think that's a problem.

Ps: I don't have any problems with religious people, as long as they take their holy book with a grain of salt. :)

[brianflime]

This and nobody bothering me.

[brianflime]

It's so weird how i can't stand being touched by people but also logically know i'm starving for it. Skin hunger is real and I'm out here flinching at hugs. Am I the problem here...?

[brianflime]

The power of a word is never static. It is repetition that decides to either sanctify it, or reduce it to noise!

Take for example the words "I love you." I know couples who say it every time they end a call or run out the door. And I genuinely wonder, what does it mean after years of a relationship? I'm not saying that one way is right and the other wrong, I'm just wondering, are those three words still sacred, or have they just become noise?

[thepersonalquotes]

[brianflime]

I must be Einstein by now, hahaha.

[miawasthere]

i do not get better i just create fake scenarios to cope with it

[brianflime]

Blue and White

Blue and White is a song from the Belgian artist Meskerem Mees, the intro contains sea and sea eagle sounds. I’m in general quite a fan of her work, but when this song popped up on my morning walk I smiled. Because I was walking next to the blue and white sea with sea eagles nearby, it was just coincidentally perfect.

The sea was quite dramatic today, she pushed the waves hard onto the shore. And also onto my feet and pants, excuse her! Invading my private space like that is not woke at all, sister sea. But I allow it as I pull my pants high not to let them get wet, she freezes my feet with ice-like water. I had left my shoes at home cuz why tf not. #freethefeet. But seriously, sometimes all u need is a barefoot stroll to truly reconnect with nature.

Because she was her dramatic self this morning, I let her have some extra joy and let go of my pants cuz why tf not. There I was walking with wet feet and pants, black sunnies, and Lana Del Rey singing into my ears. About her pussy tasting like cola or something, whaha.

Writing this all down I realise how funny of a sight this must have been. An all-black-fitted dude walking through the sea singing to whatever comes up. But that’s what I needed truly, and I love the fact that it’s possible. For a matter of fact it’s free and freeing as well, cuz there was no destination linked to this walk, and that’s what made me able to relax and enjoy it truly. It made me walk slower and feel. Feel the stones, the temperatures and materials, the rocks felt surprisingly soft due to the attrition. Also there were occasionally sharp things poking my feet, but I didn’t mind.

As I kept walking on what looked like my private beach since I was all alone, there was this little bird that I believe was a Ruddy Turnstone. It thought I was following him and kept walking at my pace a few feet in front of me, I decided to give it some space and made a loop around him.

Btw the music on this walk was on point and just matched the whole aesthetic perfectly. Dance for Me Wallis from Abel Korzeniowski and Fuck Roslyn from the Twilight movie were banging into my ears. (Yes, love Twilight, judge someone else mtf.)

In the meantime my stroll turned into a hike and my feet were red from sister sea’s cold and the rougher materials underneath them they’re not used to. Honestly we cushion our feet too much. Let’s all expose them to the outside world! (Why do I behave like a surfer boy sometimes.)

Anyway I returned and met up again with Ruddy, he was not in the mood for a second round so he flew over my head and landed behind me as if saying leave me alone. When he landed, a big wave gave him an icy shower, it feels like sister sea has my back after all. It’s funny how the big waves cover Ruddy fully, where they just wash my feet and pants.

When I returned to the house it felt like an anticlimax to cross the street and walk through the gate into the hallway. I missed the sea, I missed Blue and White, and that’s how I know I reconnected the right way.

[brianflime]

Tipsy bugs

Hey there, this is my second-last night in Portugal, and today I’m tipsy. Hahaha, okay, it’s nothing crazy, diary, don’t worry — I just had some caipirinhas and tasted some amazing port wine, it was 30 years old. It genuinely feels weird drinking something older than myself. But delicious af.

Now I’m back in my hammock and the stars are looking gorgeous. I thought some were satellites, but it’s the hammock that’s moving, not them — silly me, haha. No satellites today, I guess. Yesterday there were some though, and also a falling star.

I was just thinking about how differently I used my diary in the past. I would only write when I felt shitty, and I believe that’s a shame — I mean, it really helped me feel better, but it also resulted in having only sad stories, and me never picking up my old journals ever again, because I knew what they contained.

Glad that in the present, I’ve learned to combine both happy and sad thoughts in one place. ‘Cause isn’t that the truest form of journaling?

Omg, can I say something, it’s silly but I have to get it off my chest. I FUCKING HATE BUGS. Like, honestly, stfu. I don’t care that you sting me, I don’t care that you live, I don’t care that you want to feed on my blood and feed your babies, I don’t care that you’re in my room. I do, however, care about the FUCKING ANNOYING SOUND YOU MAKE. So as I’m nestled here in my hammock, typing my thoughts out, out of nowhere my left ear starts to go zzzzzzzzz. In less than a millisecond I sit straight up and start smacking in the air like a lunatic. Because there is one thing I truly HATE, it’s the sound they make.

Dear bugs, you can suck my blood, you can enter my room, you can rest on my skin, but please stfu. Or send a letter when you’ll arrive, that way I’ll have my earphones charged and ready so you can make all the noise you want, and I can select the noise I tolerate.

Thx bugs, love u.

PS: I feel like I write more dramatic when tipsy, am I right?

After my hammock time I was tired and went to bed. But sleep didn’t want me as badly as I wanted it, so there I was, slowly but surely sobering up and looking at the rather dark and boring ceiling. I start imagining stars like I saw outside. I laughed and said out loud, the real stars are just one window away, why not take some extra hammock time. So naturally I snap on the light on the nightstand and, as if out of a 3rd person view, I pick up my own body, wrap it like a burrito in a blanket and hobble like a penguin outside through the window back into my beloved hammock. And back underneath my beloved stars.

I feel like a mummy in this blanket, or maybe an old Greek is a better comparison since one of my shoulders isn’t covered, and also unlike a mummy I’m alive, which resonates better with the Greeks, I believe.

Now that I lie here again I wonder what my goal was, was there more thinking to do, why couldn’t I sleep? Because I’m actually tired. It genuinely frustrates me. My restlessness. Always tired during the day, always not in the mood to sleep at night. I wonder if it could be because the nights are truly mine, I feel like they are so peaceful, no one bothers me when the darkness arrives, I believe that’s why my subconscious mind picked me up and brought me back outside.

Well, thanks to her I got another chance at writing, let’s get out of this hammock and back into bed, but just 5 more minutes….

[brianflime]

BACON!

Today I woke up and when I walked out of my bedroom I smelled something horrific. The smell of BACON wandered throughout the house. I quickly closed my bedroom door to keep at least one room bacon-smell-free. But seriously, I think that smells horrible. That might be because I have been a vegetarian for a while now. And that’s what I want to write about today.

When I was around 12 years old I got the assignment to do a presentation about a subject of choice. Naturally I decided to talk about animal welfare and the meat industry. I don’t have anything against meat-eating people btw, but I think education is necessary, so all I wanted to do with my presentation was inform my classmates about the industry. What better way to do that than with a video from a slaughterhouse. :)

Okay, I’ll admit it was quite the shocking type of footage, I believe it was leaked by an animal rights organisation. You could see broiler chickens being slaughtered, basically a lot of blood and, you know, all the things that come with the practice of slaughter, but there was also a great amount of unnecessary aggression coming from the staff, which I remember finding shocking.

Anyway, I watched the video at home as I prepared for the presentation and decided it was disgusting enough. The next day, after my yap, and at the end of the presentation, I said “I would like to show this video that illustrates what happens before you eat your chicken fillet.” Long story short, I was not allowed to proceed with the video. My teacher cut my time short and that was the end of my presentation. I remember feeling hurt, not because I got less presentation time (I could have peed my pants out of fear standing in front of the classroom, ugh) but because I felt like I had failed the chickens in my belief.

But above all it’s the ignorance of my teacher back then that frustrates me even now. You know the industry is bad, you know you can watch a video to see the truth, but instead you close the laptop and eat chicken for dinner anyway, like nothing happened. I hate it when people choose the easy way, and it’s usually the way of ignorance. And by closing that laptop that day, he taught a whole class to look away.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a saint, I still eat fish now and then and I would love to eat more vegan but it’s hard right now. But at least I educate myself and learn about the harm done not only to animals but also to the planet and humans too, because are these meats even healthy?

Btw, if you educate yourself and decide you are okay with everything happening and can still enjoy a burger without the feeling of guilt, then I lowkey respect you more than the ignorant kind of people.

Ps: I don’t have anything against cows, pigs and others used for their meat. They just don’t have a part in this story.

[brianflime]

“It might feel like I’m ready, but I’m not at all.”

Dear diary,

Currently in Portugal, somewhere in a small coast town, I nestle myself in a hammock. In the distance there’s a Portuguese concert happening and I can hear the music LOUD AND CLEARLY, but it’s okay, I’m not complaining. I poured myself a glass of wine because I’m on vacation, so duh, it’s wine o’clock. (I drink wine at home too, btw, I just feel like I need an excuse to enjoy a glass, sadly.) Anyway, I was just texting a friend about dating trauma and I just needed to write it down for a sec, so here goes nothing.

So, like, I’ve been single for a while now, and that’s intentional, btw, because I don’t have good dating experience and frankly dating scares me because people are cruel. However, I noticed that my ex has a new boyfriend… and honestly, good for him! Because I’m 100% over my ex himself, I’m just not over all the things that happened. I mean, I’ve done enough self-reflection and am mature enough to say that I was an absolute ass of a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean he was a goddess either.

I’m not going to go into detail about what happened, but let’s say it just hurts to see other people be less damaged by what you both went through. It’s kind of unfair. It’s not like I don’t want to move on, it’s not like I don’t want someone sitting with me in this hammock, sipping wine under the stars. It’s not that I don’t think he deserves it, I just think I deserve it too.

But here’s the issue: when I try, I crash. For example, I downloaded the infamous dating app Tinder and started swiping… I know, I know. Anyway, little side note, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but finding a good-looking one is quite the hunt, no offence. Or maybe I look for the wrong ones. Or fuck, maybe the good ones are all taken. Okay, let’s calm down, Brian.

Not long after, I got asked on a date, and that’s when I just couldn’t do it. I would have loved to go. Fuck, I wanted to go, but my body said no. I cancelled and, of course, cried a little.

It’s just sad and interesting that even though I want to, I can’t do it — and it’s so unfair, but a clear sign that it might feel like I’m ready, but I’m not at all.

Long story short, I deleted Tinder and I swear to focus on the things that truly fulfill me right now, and we’ll see what happens in the future. I might just stay single and rescue a few dogs.

There, loyalty is what I need and love.