It’s funny how time changes things. I was so adamant about keeping my blog purely for my art. But to be honest I haven’t created art in almost 3 years. I’ve lost all desire to create. I’ve lost all motivation to continue. I’ve lost the thing I loved the most about myself. In turn I’ve grown to resent myself. I thought coming out would free me from the the depression and shame I had been experiencing and feeling for years. I was wrong. That sadness and shame clings to the crevices of ones being. I’ve been going to therapy for 1.5 years now to work on the issues and problems I’ve been facing thought my life but also the day to day challenges as I start to live ‘more’ open. If you didn’t catch the sarcasm on the ‘more’ than let me point it out to you. I hold myself back from so much in life and sadly I can’t seem to figure out why. Therapy has helped... I know it has but there are days that I question why I even bother. I moved to a new city shorty after coming out. My dad sort of accepted me... my mom, well to her I was an embarrassment. I made her feel ashamed. She tried to send me to some form of conversion therapy to fix me. You see, I grew up in a conservative religion until I was 23. Sometimes it’s just easier to say I grew up in a cult because I spend 16 years of my life, honestly some of the best years, growing up in the country at a religious boarding academy my mom worked out. the small town was made up of only people from my religion. Oh and they decided to make a farm one day, thought you should know. Regardless my mother doesn’t accept me. I had the same conversation with her 3 consecutive days where she asked the same questions and I gave the same answers. I was trying to be patient with her, out of respect because deep down inside i do admire my mother... even if I don’t show it. However, I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated seeing that my very being, the core of who I truly was, brought her so much pain and humiliation. So I told her on that 3rd and final conversation that we were done talking about my sexuality. I needed to move on with my life. I denied my existence for 23 years and I needed to move on to try and be happy. We haven’t spoken about my sexuality since and it’s been 2 years since that last conversation. So this is why I hide out in CHI. If I’m such a disappointment I might as well go to Sodom and Gomorrah and rot away. I’m to the point where I would rather go to hell than lie to myself. I never thought I would make it to heaven anyways if I’m being completely honest; I could never grasp the concept of God’s unconditional love, possibly because I never felt truly and deeply loved by my family. I know my mom loved me... I do... but I just don’t think it was ever in a way that I needed, a way that spoke to me on the deepest levels. I’ve always dreamt of what it would be like to have a family that truly loved and supported me, a family I would love in return. I’m a dreamer. But most of my dreams turn to nightmares, nightmares that leave me scared shitless. I become paralyzed to move, to grow, to change. I hate myself. I’ve never loved myself. I’m broken. Apologies for rambling and jumping all over the place but this is how I write and express my feelings. It works for me. That’s all that matters. I have a boyfriend. I bet most of you had no idea about that. I’m not very public about it, partially because I’m trying to navigate being in a relationship and being in love. It’s definitely challenged me to grow, in good and bad ways. I’ve learned a lot about myself and at the end of the day I’m so grateful for the knowledge I’ve received. One day I dream that I’ll come out of all of this ok... sadly I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel but I’m still dreaming.
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