Bright Side Babs

One woman's journey to find the bright side of life during infertility.

[brightside-babs]

A Letter To My Sisters In Infertility On Mother's Day

To My Fellow Sisters In Infertility:

I see you sitting there fighting back tears at church on Mother’s Day while it seems like every other woman in the room stands to be recognized for her innate ability to conceive and bear living children. I see you hiding from Facebook on that dreaded Sunday; hiding from the world with your curtains closed just wishing the day would be over. I see you crying out in pain and anguish under your mask of anonymity on social media. I see you. I am you. And I want you to know you are worth more than your inability to make babies. You are worth more than this sorrow and grief. There is more to us than this deep canyon of longing that is infertility. You are a beloved of the most high king, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend, a confidant, an encourager, a mentor.

Keep reading

[brightside-babs]

Reblogging for Mother's Day

[brightside-babs]

Rescue Me! Understanding God's Design In Deliverance

Today, I want to talk about two different responses from God when we cry out for rescue.

Have you ever been on your knees, sobbing, and begging our Father to deliver you? I have. There have been three distinct situations in my life that I can remember being in a state of utter turmoil–my mother’s breast cancer diagnosis at the young age of 39, the complete breakdown of my marriage, and the heartbreak of unexplained infertility. I have twice had the immense honor of watching my Mighty God reach his hand down into the pit of my despair and pull me up, first, when He healed my mom completely of cancer, and second, when He healed my marriage.

It’s an overwhelming feeling to actually be present in the moment when the God of the universe rescues you, when He parts the waters for you. It’s completely unfathomable to think how He loves me and delights in coming to my rescue when I cry out to Him. But what happens when God doesn’t rescue or when He doesn’t rescue quickly or in the way we expect?

What happens when the waters rage and you see no way through? What happens when you see God part the waters for others as you stand on the shore watching? I have experienced the immense disappointment and confusion of His silence, but recently, as I was leaning into my Abba, Father during this disappointment, as I asked Him to help me understand why He has not parted these waters for me, He whispered something in my heart. I want to share it with you today, but first I want us to look at two examples of God’s answers to cries for deliverance and how his answer will always line up with our God given purpose.

In Exodus chapters 13 and 14 we witness the conclusion of the great exodus of the Isrealite people from Egypt as the Lord rescues them from slavery and begins to lead them toward the Promised Land. God had promised this land to these people way back in Genesis because of His great love for Abraham. He had entered into a covenant with Abraham and sworn not to forget His promise to bring Abraham’s descendants home, and He was determined to follow through on that no matter how bratty these chidren acted at times. I love this powerful story. If you’ve never taken the time to actually read the entire story of the Great Exodus, I recommend you do now. God has revealed many of HIs truths to me through this story. 

For now, we meet the Isrealites at the edge of the Red Sea. God has delivered them from Pharaoh’s hands through ten mighty works and wonders, and now the people stand at the edge of this aquatic impasse ready to trust the Lord to provide a way. Just kidding. They are whining, complaining, and shaking in their boots! Can you believe it? God has literally just sent the Angel of Death to convince the Egyptians to let the Isrealites go by killing all their first born sons and causing Pharoah to finally release God’s people, and they still don’t trust Him!

If God ever had an excuse to walk away and choose not to deliver a people, He had it here, but as we will see, God’s ways are higher than ours, and His responses always line up with His purposes for us not our emotion. God loves these people. He loves them and He WILL honor his covenant with Abraham. That’s who God is. He has a purpose for them that does not include slaughter by the Egyptian army.

The purpose for this generation of Isrealites is to bring the nation back to the Promised Land, receive God’s instructions, and build their faith in a living God. That is their God-given purpose in life. So, as they stand there in front of the Red Sea, crying out to God to rescue them, His response is in line with their purpose, and in verse 21-22 God parts the waters of the Red Sea with such force that the people are able to cross, not on a muddy sea bed, but on perfectly dry land before the waves come crashing down upon the pursuing Egyptian army. The Isrealites cried out. God rescued.

Now, let’s look at a different answer to a cry for rescue. In Matthew 26:36-46 we watch as Jesus, “crushed with grief to the point of death”, cries out in anguish–so intense that he is actually sweating blood–begging the Father to let this cup of suffering pass from him. This is Jesus Christ we’re taking about here! The one through whom the world was created! He is the beloved Son of God in whom the Father is well pleased. He has given his human life to ministry, he has lived a perfect and blameless life, and he sees the separation from God that he must endure as he takes our sins upon him on the cross.

In that moment of prayer, he shows his complete humanness and his complete godness as he pleads with God to find another way. He knows that he will be spiritually torn in two as he is severed from God to conquer death for us. But Jesus knows his purpose, and he trusts God’s will for him.

God did not let the cup of suffering pass from him, not because God didn’t love him, not because God didn’t care about what he was about to go through, but because it was the purpose of Jesus to save us all. He had a job to do that made deliverance impossible. He remained in the will of God and became a sacrifice for you and for me, in turn giving us the rescue instead of himself. He was meant to carry us all to safety. God’s answer was in line with Jesus’ purpose. And this brings me back to what God whispered in my heart as I cried out to Him.

During my prayer time, on a day of disappointment, I came boldly into the presence of my Father asking Him to help me understand why I continue to stand at the edge of the sea waiting for Him to part the waters while the waters keep crashing against me. I asked why others have crossed ahead of me, and then I asked the important question. What is Your purpose for me here? When we are confused or when situations do not meet our expectations, I believe the most God honoring question we can ask is “What is Your purpose for me here?” In asking this question we submit to God’s design for our lives and show our willingness to be used by Him.

In my heart, I cried out to God, “I want to trust You even if You don’t part these waters. I know You don’t intend for me to stay stuck here, but how else can I get across if you don’t move the water? What is it that I’m not seeing?”

“I want you to build a boat,” I heard clearly in my heart.

What? Did I get that right? Ok, yes, a boat would get me across, but what does that mean?

“You have a purpose here, my child. I’m not parting the waters for you because I have a purpose for you here. I want you to build a boat. There are others who need to be taken across the water who don’t have boat building skills. I will help you build a boat, and I want you to take as many others with you as can.”

Well, let me tell you that I immediately started crying as that imagery washed over my consciousness. In my mind I had envisioned standing in front of the raging seas, but God instructed me to turn around, and as I did, I saw countless other women. I had felt alone looking out over the water, but I just wasn’t looking where God wanted me to look. I considered what this means for my life and the tremendous honor that it is to be here.

I still want to get across this sea. I still look to the other side with longing and disappointment at times. The difference is that now I know what to do while I wait. I’m building my boat, and I’m taking as many hurting people with me as I can.

I ask you today, if God has not delivered you from your situation, to ask Him to show you what His  purpose is for you in the pain. Cry out to Him, but remember His rescue will always line up with His purpose for you. It is not an indicator of His love for you. He loves you. He loved you enough to send Jesus to carry you home. He loves you enough to give you a purpose in His will.

Maybe you’re called to build a boat too. Maybe Gods purpose for you is to just be rescued right now. Maybe you’re called to tow my boat to shore. Who knows? But, what I do know is that we must be willing to lay down the desire for our own rescue, to be a part of someone else’s. It’s in that submission that God truly rescues us. Once and for all.

John 15:13

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Soldier on, my Dear Ones

xoxo

[brightside-babs]

[brightside-babs]

Why You Will Never Regret Being A Good Friend During Infertility

I’m a 34 year old woman dealing with unexplained infertility. (Ok, technically I should say I’m 35, but I have 25 more days to be 34, and I’m hanging on as long as I can! 35 seems startling to me. I mean, 40 is creeping on me like a Peeping Tom, y'all, and I can’t even deal!) As a 34 year old infertile woman, God has given me approximately 29 million opportunities to learn this very valuable lesson: You will never regret being a good friend.

When I was younger and we hadn’t yet started trying to have children, I enjoyed things like baby showers, baby gift buying, pregnancy following, and just being a super supportive and encouraging friend to the moms in my life. I cherished these moments with my friends, thinking that I too would soon celebrate these growths of my own family. Then infertility came to steal my joy and hope, and something inside me changed. I know my infertility sisters will understand exactly to what I am referring.

No longer did I enjoy all things baby, and no longer did I get excited for my friends when they announced pregnancies. In the course of my first year trying to conceive, the enemy slowly dug in-roads of bitterness, grief, and selfishness into my heart. All of a sudden, it became unbearable to host a baby shower, buy a baby gift, support a pregnant friend, listen to a mom friend vent, but even as I was being crushed under the weight of these emotions of disappointment and sorrow, God was whispering something in my heart: You will never regret being a good friend.

See, I have met infertile women who have burned friendships because they have followed the feelings of pain and anger to destruction, and I can tell you there is regret for these women. I’ve met non-infertile women who, after conceiving, have been abandoned by their infertile friends and left feeling confused and hurt.  As someone dealing with the constant reminders of infertility, I can attest to the fact that it definitely feels justifiable to create distance at the time. “How dare anyone be so happy about having what I so desperately want?” “Why doesn’t she at least acknowledge my loss?” While these are very legitimate feelings that I have endured many times, what I’m speaking of is how we choose to respond in these moments.

There is a certain unspoken rule among women that says something like this: “Thou shalt not refer to one’s infertility while one’s friend is pregnant.” Even the best of friends who have been supportive in the past will usually become distant if any hint of your infertility is mentioned. I don’t believe it’s intentional at all. It’s human nature to avoid being uncomfortable, to avoid distress. It does cut deeply for those of us already feeling isolated and forgotten, but, in those moments of hurt and loneliness, we have a choice. We can follow our anger until the friendship is destroyed or  we can dig deep into the self-control the Holy Spirit has given us and do the hard thing.

I don’t enjoy baby shopping for friends, but I do it with presence of mind. I don’t enjoy attending showers for friends, but I do it with a smile. I don’t enjoy asking my pregnant friends how they are doing, but I do it out of love. I don’t enjoy listening to my friends vent about  the struggles of parenthood, but I do it with empathy. Why? Because I love them and I cherish them, because I would want the same if it were me, because their feelings and experiences are valid, too,  because my feelings don’t have to dictate my actions, because I am a daughter of God and I want to choose to show His love, and because it’s incredibly hard and that tells me it’s the right thing to do.

And what do you know? I have never regretted it. Not once. I’ve cried. Oh, I’ve cried. I’ve stood in baby stores wanting to grab the first thing I see instead of really striving to find the perfect gift for my friend. I’ve gotten in the car and sobbed after holding tiny shoes. I’ve grieved after touching bellies. I’ve had judgmental thoughts while a friend I love complains about her children. But, I’ve never walked away and regretted choosing to be a good friend.  

My sweet, sweet sisters, this world hurts us sometimes. Ok, a lot of times. But we do well to remember that pain is fleeting, and feelings come and go.  The Word of the Lord, however, is eternal, and what God says is this:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” {Colossians 3:12-14}

And this:

“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” {Galatians 6:9}

When this is all over and God has relieved my suffering I want my friends with me to celebrate, and I treasure them for so many reasons right now. Each of them are so, so precious to me. I am not perfect, and I’m sure there are many times when I make them uncomfortable, but I press on believing what God has told me. Will you believe it today, too my sisters? You will never regret being a good friend. Hold tight to our ever loving Father and trust Him, and turn those feelings of despair into prayers instead of regrets.

Soldier on, my dear ones.          

Xoxo

[brightside-babs]

The Empty Tree

I realized the other day that I am the age now that my mom was when I was six years old. She already had three children by the time she was 33. I don't feel the same age that she was then. Nothing seems right. I'm almost 34 and still thinking about what it will be like to have a family. 

Twelve times I've put up our tree as a married woman. Many of those years have been spent longing to wrap gifts for our own little ones. Every year I look at the Baby's First Christmas ornaments and wish I could buy one. Each year I watch as one by one the gifts under our tree are given out to family and friends. And every year I wake up on Christmas to an empty tree and empty hopes. I put on a smile and do my best to make everyone feel loved. 

Infertility is a thief. It steals so much from those of us who are clenched in its grasp. It's painful. It's unfair. It's expensive. Sometime, as in our case, it's unexplained. It steals innocence, joy, and if you're out like I am, it steals all the fun. When I'm really hurting, it's easy to believe that infertility is my enemy. The truth is, we have an enemy, and it's not infertility. It's not any particular struggle we face. Our enemy is the greatest deceiver and the greatest manipulator of all time, and he is out to destroy all who put their hope in Jesus. 

As a woman, what better way to attack me than at the core of my humanity...my ability to bear children. And I'm not going to lie. It's brutal. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll make it through this battle. And sometimes I worry about what will happen if I do. I want to trust that God has this. I want to do my Christian duty and be thankful even when my heart is breaking. I want to be the good girl that shouts to the world that God is in control and that I trust him. Some days it just doesn't seem genuine. 

I'm the type of person who really desires to be sincere in all I do, but I also struggle with comparisons. I want to be real with you all. No useless platitudes. No empty words.  This hurts more than anything I've ever been through. I lose hope. I lose faith. I lose my joy. But even when I'm feeling all those raw emotions I desire to be obedient to my creator, the lover of my soul. 

I've learned something about obedience. Sometimes we have to make our mouths say the words we know are right, and pray for God to bring our hearts in line. So, this Christmas as I look at the empty tree, I may not feel joyful inside. I may not feel faithful. I may not feel thankful, but I know the value in honoring God through this valley and I know that he will renew my spirit in time. I pray He does the same for you as you pursue obedience to him. 

Soldier On Dear Ones.

xoxo

So whether suffering Or free from laboring It's for Your glory and my good     {All Sons & Daughters, For Your Glory And My Good}

[brightside-babs]

“I don't want this to be my story. Please, God, don't let this be my story. Don't make me that woman who helps others through this because of what she's been through. I don't want that. Please, God, don't let this be my story.” 

This is what I begged God in the first year of infertility. Many more times than I care to admit, I cried out pleading with him that he would not take me down this road. What's funny is that I knew in my heart that we would struggle with infertility before we ever began trying to conceive. I had no reason in the world to have that feeling. My mother and sister had no problems bearing children, and my cycles were totally normal and regular my whole life. Still, I just knew. I think God was trying to prepare me for the fight of a lifetime. Here I am nearly four years in with no explanation for our inability to conceive, and while I still hate every second of it, I have the hindsight to see just what God has done in my life while he's been busy not giving me a child. I thought I would share those with you all today for two reasons: one, so that I can reflect on the blessings and growth God has given me during infertility, and two, so that you might gain insight into how God is working in you right where are. Now, hear me when I say that this isn't some mysterious test that we didn't pass that millions of moms out there aced. It's not that we needed to learn lessons that other women didn't need to learn. That would be a very hurtful thing to assume about someone who is already hurting. It just that as a Christian I believe that God will bring good to those who love Him, and personal and spiritual growth is a blessing and one we can thank him for in the midst of deep sorrow. 

Several years ago, before I began this journey, I have to own that I was one of those thoughtless people who would say something horrible like, “why don't you just adopt,” or “having your own kids is so narcissistic when there are so many children who need homes.” Before I set out to have children I had no idea the emotional toll of trying to conceive for a lengthy period of time.  I am ashamed to admit that when I was younger I *gasp* thought I knew everything. I thought my views were “like, so original" (please insert snarky teenager/early twenty something voice here). Oh boy, did God ever teach me a thing or two! Because of the pain of infertility, I now have an unlimited amount of compassion for those who are hurting and grieving; especially those who are struggling through something I have no experience with. “Dont judge a pain you haven't experienced” is something I am learning to live my life by. Pain is relative and feelings are legitimate even if they aren't the ones I would have. I have learned how to listen without always giving advice, and how to say “I'm sorry you're going through this” with no explanations. I have definitely learned what NOT to say to someone who is hurting. God has made me a more compassionate human being through infertility. 

Infertility was the force that made me grow up and gave me more refined ideas and kindness toward the world. More importantly, it gave me a richer and deeper connection with my husband. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to portray our marriage as perfect. We have had plenty of problems. Just this year we had a terrible moment when we considered divorce. But through these trials we have come to share a pain that no one else understands, and a love for one another that I never knew existed. Because of the journey we have been through together we have truly arrived at a place in our marriage that I did not think would ever come. A place of mutual respect and tenderness. I have learned to value my husband's perspective and advice more than I ever thought was possible for someone who needs to be in control of her life. I haven't been able to completely let go, but God has been making me a better wife every day, and I see the change that God has brought about in my husband as a result of my obedience. I'm learning how to give him my best instead of my worst. Now, instead of aiming my frustration gun at him, I point it at more constructive things...like my housework. My house has never been so clean!

Lastly, I would like to think that God has made me a better friend. I'm not the best there is (I'm still an introvert, after all), but through the amazing friendships he has brought into my life whether in person or online, he has shown me how important it is to be there, pray for, mourn with, and celebrate with the friends he has so graciously placed in my life. He's teaching me how to let others be themselves. So, in this season of constant heartache, loneliness, and grief, my God has truly reminded me that he isn't done writing my story yet. 

A dear friend of mine often says, “grow where you're planted,” and while I lack the bottomless well of positivity that that beautiful woman has, I definitely take that phrase to heart. Grow where you're planted. Even if you feel like the only water you get is from the cows peeing on you, if you're still alive...then grow. 

Soldier on, Dear Ones

xoxo

[brightside-babs]

You all can go home. We won Halloween. 

[brightside-babs]

Where Is God When The Holidays Hurt?

The Season of seasons is upon us, and I’ve been feeling that old familiar ache. Another Halloween without a tiny person to dress up. Another year trick-or-treating with my friends’ children; living vicariously through their joyful moments with their sweet babies. Another Fall waiting for a reason to carve pumpkins and sit by a fire eating s'mores and drinking hot apple cider. Another Thanksgiving of wanting to thank God for the blessing of children as we feast together. Soon, it will be another year of putting up a Christmas tree with no children to laugh and dance around it. Another year with no gifts left under the tree by Christmas. Another year of wishing to start traditions. Another Christmas Day waking up to the sounds of an empty house while my Facebook feed is flooded with pictures of families smiling and videos of children squealing in rapturous delight. Another year of waiting. Another year of wishing. Another year of grief and loneliness gone by. 

But do you know something? Even in the muck and mire of infertility I can still hear my heavenly Father whispering in my ear. God is still there in the waiting. And you know something else? I’m not the first one to be in the agonizing place of waiting. In fact, waiting is such a significant part of the human experience that God felt he needed to speak to us about it quite a lot in his word. I encourage you to dive in and find some favorites of your own. He knew there would be seasons when we would need some encouragement as we grudgingly wait for life to move even one tiny step forward. When I feel as though I can neither be still nor move, but that I am stuck, unwillingly, in a place of solitary confinement, He is still there and whispering to me, “Hold on to me, sweet girl.” And no matter where you are at in your journey this year, He wants to encourage you in the same way. He is beckoning to us to not be afraid of finding joy in the childless life right now; that finding joy right now is not a concession to never having children. 

So, knowing that I’m not alone and knowing that God still has a purpose for me, I will find joy in this Season of seasons. I will dress up and go trick-or-treating with a beloved niece and friends. I will go pick out a pumpkin and carve it with my husband and soak up his attention as we sit by a fire sipping hot cider. I will put up my tree and collect my ornaments in hope as I wait for God to fulfill my desires. I will wake up Christmas morning and thank my God for the miraculous gift of salvation, and I will kiss my husband as we cuddle together uninterrupted. I will pursue 2016 with a fierce determination to lay claim to the promises God has placed in my heart. And every night I will be praying for you all to have the strength to do the same. 

Soldier on, Dear Ones.

xoxo

MICAH 7:7 But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. 

[brightside-babs]

God Hears Our Cries

“Please be patient. I will listen to you in a moment,” I said without turning my head to the bouncy toe-headed girl of almost four as she eagerly gripped my arm in a furious attempt to get my attention away from the conversation I was immersed in. She frantically tugged harder at my arm, frustration furrowing her brow. 

"Is this an emergency?” I asked. 

Silence. 

Looking out of the corner of my eye, her facial expression answers me that no, it is not an emergency. With my hand reassuringly placed on hers, I finish my conversation before turning my full face to hers and looking her in the eye. Her anticipation is relieved as she tells me she needs me to help her put her baby's clothes back on. 

For those few minutes, she might have felt ignored, inconsequential, or forgotten, but I assure you she was not. As a grown-up, of course, I know that children must be taught to wait patiently on occasion even when what they want feels extremely important to them. Waiting patiently, we all know, is a life skill best acquired through experience. 

How many times I have tugged on the arm of my heavenly father, begging for his attention, begging for relief from the waiting. My desire to have a child seems so strong, so important. Yet, he does not turn his face to me. Is he ignoring me? Am I inconsequential? Am I forgotten? 

The simple answer comes to me as I look into a pair of soulful blue eyes and run my fingers through a mop of tangled blonde tresses. No, I am not. As much as this child matters to me, I matter infinitely more to God. 

In Psalm 40:1-2 David says, “I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he TURNED TO ME and heard my cry. He LIFTED me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground.” We know David had to wait for God to turn and hear him because he would have no need of being patient had God given him his attention right away. But, when the time was appropriate, God turned and listened and lifted him out of his troubles. He righted David's world and set him on solid ground. Do you ever feel like the ground beneath you is so uneven and mucky from life's worries and heartache? I know I sure do. Sometimes, infertility feels like I'm clawing my way up for air in a pit of quick sand.  I long for God to reach down and lift me from this despair, and set my feet on solid ground. 

So, tonight my beautiful sisters, go ahead and clench God's arm. Do everything you can to let him know that what you need is important to you. Then wait patiently for his rescue, because, sweet one, he is going to turn to you when it's appropriate for Him to do so. He is NOT ignoring you. You are NOT inconsequential. You are NOT forgotten. He just sees the big picture of what you need to be raised up right in him, and he loves you enough to do the hard work of teaching you. But, rest assured, he WILL turn his face to you. He WILL reach down and rescue you. He WILL set you on solid ground because he loves you. 

"Just wait patiently “ he says. “I will listen to you in a moment.”

Soldier on, my dear ones. 

xoxo

[brightside-babs]

I tend to struggle with having a defeatist attitude. I try have faith in the Lord that someday everything will work out. That usually translates to me thinking, “Well, someday I’ll be in heaven and I won’t think about this life anymore. After all, what really matters but my salvation?”  While it is true that our salvation is the most important thing, I don’t believe I serve a God who put humans here on earth just to screw them over in life. Yes, life can be hard. We are living in a fallen world, after all, but that does not mean that we don’t have a right to hope that he will make things good for us in this life. Are you like me? Do you trust God to do the big task of making your salvation sure, but not trust him to bring about what you desire in this life?

Girlfriend, if I can just encourage you for a minute, I’d like to give you permission to believe God will show up with His goodness in THIS LIFE. We are children of a Father who desires to show His goodness to those who love Him here and now. Please join me in praying for a bold faith that He will not forsake us here in this life. 

xoxo

Prayer:

Father, thank you for your wonderful examples of faith in the Bible. Thank you for showing me what true faith looks like. I aspire to have the kind of faith that leaves our day to day in your hands while I rest secure in the knowledge that you desire to show me goodness in this life. Help me honor you through my faith during this difficult struggle of infertility.  Amen. 

[brightside-babs]

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For those of you who have lost a child of any age or size under any curcumstance, I mourn with you. 

[brightside-babs]

I just wrapped up my last doctor visit to prepare to start treatment! It's been so long it didn't feel real anymore! It does now! I will be calling Monday to talk to the nurse about our first (and hopefully last) IUI!

[brightside-babs]

Where Is God When The Holidays Hurt?

The Season of seasons is upon us, and I've been feeling that old familiar ache. Another Halloween without a tiny person to dress up. Another year trick-or-treating with my friends' children; living vicariously through their joyful moments with their sweet babies. Another Fall waiting for a reason to carve pumpkins and sit by a fire eating s'mores and drinking hot apple cider. Another Thanksgiving of wanting to thank God for the blessing of children as we feast together. Soon, it will be another year of putting up a Christmas tree with no children to laugh and dance around it. Another year with no gifts left under the tree by Christmas. Another year of wishing to start traditions. Another Christmas Day waking up to the sounds of an empty house while my Facebook feed is flooded with pictures of families smiling and videos of children squealing in rapturous delight. Another year of waiting. Another year of wishing. Another year of grief and loneliness gone by. 

But do you know something? Even in the muck and mire of infertility I can still hear my heavenly Father whispering in my ear. God is still there in the waiting. And you know something else? I'm not the first one to be in the agonizing place of waiting. In fact, waiting is such a significant part of the human experience that God felt he needed to speak to us about it quite a lot in his word. I encourage you to dive in and find some favorites of your own. He knew there would be seasons when we would need some encouragement as we grudgingly wait for life to move even one tiny step forward. When I feel as though I can neither be still nor move, but that I am stuck, unwillingly, in a place of solitary confinement, He is still there and whispering to me, “Hold on to me, sweet girl.” And no matter where you are at in your journey this year, He wants to encourage you in the same way. He is beckoning to us to not be afraid of finding joy in the childless life right now; that finding joy right now is not a concession to never having children. 

So, knowing that I'm not alone and knowing that God still has a purpose for me, I will find joy in this Season of seasons. I will dress up and go trick-or-treating with a beloved niece and friends. I will go pick out a pumpkin and carve it with my husband and soak up his attention as we sit by a fire sipping hot cider. I will put up my tree and collect my ornaments in hope as I wait for God to fulfill my desires. I will wake up Christmas morning and thank my God for the miraculous gift of salvation, and I will kiss my husband as we cuddle together uninterrupted. I will pursue 2016 with a fierce determination to lay claim to the promises God has placed in my heart. And every night I will be praying for you all to have the strength to do the same. 

Soldier on, Dear Ones.

xoxo

MICAH 7:7 But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. 

[brightside-babs]

Keep close to Nature's heart... and break clear away, once in awhile, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean. ~John Muir

[brightside-babs]

It's easier to trust God when we know we will be able to look back and see why things had to be way they were. It's a much more strenuous faith exercise when we know that we may never understand why things had to happen. The beauty lies in handing over control to a loving God who sometimes only says "because I said so."

[brightside-babs]

Sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness on the alter of the Lord, knowing that your obedience will cause Him to bring you a fuller and healthier happiness in its place. Don't buy the lies of this world that all you need is to be happy...that selfishness is a good answer to your problems. Be obedient and watch what God does in your life! Nothing worth having is ever easy. 

[brightside-babs]

A Time For Everything

It happened this morning as I sat teaching a beautiful and intelligent four year old how to sew with a needle and thread as we fixed our beloved stuffed hamster, Rosie. Rosie looks pretty beat up. (I can relate.) She’s been mended several times and is now sporting a sparkly button for her left eye. 

In that moment as my sweet little daycare girl pulled the needle through the button proudly, I saw my past and my present and my future in a single moment of time. I was overcome. She returned to playing, and my eyes filled with tears as I recalled all the treasured moments with my mom patiently teaching me life skills. I was suddenly crushed with emotion as I realized deeply and profoundly how I longed for this moment with my own daughter…how I never imagined these sweet memories would be made with someone else’s child. Memories that she will likely not remember because I’m not her mom.

I left the room to have a big old ugly cry. These moments sneak up on me. The crushing grief and empty hopes grasp me tightly as I struggle to hear God’s voice over the lies of my enemy. But that’s the blessing of reading scripture daily. In times of intense emotion I am able, through the Holy Spirit, to call up the exact words I know God means for me to hear. I’m reminded of Ecclesiates 3:1-8. You’ll find it below. I know many of you know it well.

So, I dried my eyes, thanked God for these memories (even if they aren’t what I expected for my life), and went back to being the best babysitter I can be today. Now I’m sitting here finding joy as I listen to their innocent giggles while they jump on the trampoline, and I know these times are to be cherished. I will accept the times of difficulty and look forward to the times of joy knowing full well that each are a part of this journey. In the meantime, I’m going to snap up every single memory I can with all these people I love and hold them in my heart in gratitude.

Soldier on dear ones xoxo

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time For Everything

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.