Seeking Humility

Lord help me, Lord have mercy and save me Coptic Orthodox Christian

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Bring me back to your straight path God. I have allowed myself to be filled with all types of filth and thoughts that have corrupted me. They have rooted themselves so firmly inside of me that they have become a comfort, even though I know they are killing me.

Father, nothing evil can stand before you. You are a purifying light and truth. Be truth to me. Be my antidote. My helper. My salvation.

Bring be back to reality. To life again. Free me from the cares of this world; from all it's trappings. I am imprisoned. But you alone can set me free. My heart is hurting. My soul is tired. My spirit is languishing. It is reaching for you but I keep putting the cup further and further away.

You have not made me like this. But I have chosen this. Save my soul. Save my heart. I am hurting and dying. Save me from myself, and set me on your straight path. The road has only become so treacherous because I have created the erosion. I have made the picture so obscured that I cannot see beyond the blackness. My soul is in pain for want of you, but I have chosen worldly, temporary and fruitless comforts. I have chosen salt water, even though the fresh water is within reach. Save me my God. Save me my joy. Set aright my thoughts and intentions. Create a clean heart and pure desires from my inner parts.

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Lord, set aright my thoughts. Save me from them. Cleanse me from the inside out. For your glory, Amen, alleluia.

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I want to be better. I really am tired of not improving. Yes, our entire lives are a learning process, but we still have to put in the work to improve based on what we learn and based on our weaknesses. I have been aware of my weaknesses for years, yet I have not improved.

Lord, you know my heart wants you. Sometimes it is passionately and utterly hoping to be lost in you. Other times it is just a mere hope, a small, quiet voice deep in my soul that I let the world, my thoughts and mind drown out. I am here because you brought me, let me let you take me.

Teach me to put my will into your hands. So that my will and actions may be done according to your will. Remove my weakness. Bring me to your peace and shelter. Help me to direct all of my thoughts to you. I am still your daughter, even if I don’t act like it. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Let me do better, do not give up on me. 

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“... Thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.”

Psalm 30:3

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You O blessed brother, are more important to God than a built church. If one of the churches is destroyed, it can easily be rebuilt by people, through the collection of money it can be built... But if a person like you is destroyed, he cannot be rebuilt except through the blood of Christ. No angel or archangel or Patriarch or prophet, can return you to your original rank, nothing but the blood of Christ, for without it there is no salvation for you... You my brother, are more important to God than a built church. You are a living church, more important than bricks and stones, you are a temple for the Holy Spirit.

Pope Shenouda III, The Life of Repentance and Purity

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Prayer

My Lord Jesus, please help me to draw near to you, that my heart may be cleared, cleaned and made pure before you. I have made it so dirty and allowed such dark parts to be sown into it. By you alone can they be obliterated. By your light my God. I need you, help me. Help me to draw near to you. Please, I cannot on my own, I am so filled with my own desires and lusts. Help your light to penetrate my hear that I may repent of these sins and feel the compunction that will allow me to realize how deeply my sins hurt you and my place within your kingdom, both on Earth and in Heaven. By your mercy and the power of you Holy Body and Precious Blood, be united with me and guide me. Help me my savior. You always hear your children and you do not want them to continue in this way of sinfulness. Guide me oh good shepherd to your path and the way you wish for me to be.

Amen. Amen. Have mercy my just and good Lord.Let your peace and joy be upon your children. Amen.

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... [T]he excessive dejection to which man may surrender after falling into sin is actually a sign of pride and self-esteem. Man here regards his will with more respect than it really deserves. He thinks it outrageous that he should fall at all. He thinks his will is too great to stumble.... As for the correct attitude toward falling into any sin, it lies in confessing the sin and resorting at once to repentance. After this, man should take up the thread of his struggle with self-restraint, surrender his will again, and recommit his soul to God.

Abouna Matta El-Meskeen (Father Matthew The Poor), Orthodox Prayer Life, The Interior Way

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Glory to God; I am two years old today :)

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A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him saying, "You are mad, you are not like us."

St. Anthony the Great

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My God help me, have mercy upon me. I want to draw near to you but have fallen away. I stand up and resolve to draw close to you but fall down in the next second due to the weakness of my heart. Strengthen me, do not leave me to be complacent. Strengthen your Holy Spirit within my heart to draw near to you in prayer, contemplation and dialogue. Let this blessed Fast strengthen your goodness and light in me, that the passion of your love my flame within my heart. So that I may draw near to you, with a humble heart, looking to you with my hands and arms outstretched as a toddler seeking to be dressed. Dress me, make me as you desire and know. For you are my God, help me to know none but you and to not be driven down and clouded by the idols of this world and all the items meant to pollute and obscure your truth.

My Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy upon me. Help me, I need you. You alone are my strength and light. Father, let your light be within my heart, for nothing can stand before you, no darkness of the evil one which I have allowed to pollute my soul can keep your might from saving me. Guide me and help me my God. Day by day may you pull me up from my lowliness.

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Finding Balance

It’s been a while! I’ve been struggling lately in finding a balance with school and my spiritual life. With school in particular, I have been lacking the motivation to do my readings and to be prepared for class. If I am not reading and outlining I will not be successful. I hope that coming back here will help me to put down my thoughts and assist in keeping me focused when I am flailing.

Please pray for me. God knows that I am a sinner and I am so weak now. Glory be to our God always.

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Prayer

Do not pray in constant fear and in wanting something. But trust in the Lord with your heart and pray with love, to praise Him, knowing that He will help you in His time and according to His will; for He knows the desires of your heart.

Do not fear or worry, but trust in His love and mercy. He does not want us to always feel sorrow but to live with joy and thanksgiving through His son, Jesus Christ.

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I was praying the Agpeya this morning and the Psalms turned into a beautiful prayer of repentance started by Psalm 4 "Feel sorrow upon your beds for what you say in your hearts"

Psalm 5: "Hearken, O Lord, to my words and consider my cry"

Psalm 6: "O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger"

Psalm 12: "How long, O Lord, do you forget me, forever?" "my heart will rejoice in your salvation"

Psalm 15: "Keep me, O Lord, for I have hoped in You. I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord, and You have no need of my goodness""

Psalm 24: "To You, O Lord, I have lifted up my soul. O my God, I have trusted in You, let me not be ashamed forever"

Psalm 26 "The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom will I fear? The Lord is the defender of my life, of whom will I be afraid?"

Psalm 142: "I spread forth my hands unto You; my soul is toward You as a dry land" "Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; Let Your Holy Spirit guide me in the straightway" "for I am your servant"

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Look at what I got in the mail today! Glory be to God!

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The False Self

In speaking of the ascetic practices of the desert fathers, St. John of Lycopolis says "'We must take the greatest care over our feelings and our thoughts'... The need to renounce not only possessions but the desire for them is presented as the central work of the monk. (St.) John describes the rooted selfishness that coils round the heart like a serpent, continually burrowing deeper and creating a false illusory self which is continually restless and unstable. It is a self which we mistake for our real self; it is precious to us, and we resist the thought of uprooting it;" - The Lives of the Desert Fathers

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Baptism!

Praise and glory to God! I have set a date for my baptism into the Coptic Orthodox Church, this New Year's Day, January 1, 2015 in the morning. I can't believe it! I thank God for all that He has done for me, truly I don't deserve it. God willing I will be baptized in a week and just in time for Christmas! I will be able to take the Holy Communion for the first time! Please pray for me.

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God Never Abandons Us

God does not create anything ugly, worthless or stupid. He has created us in His image and likeness. How precious are we his children! He is the source of all goodness and love in this world. How could he create anything but beauty and perfection. If we were not meant to be here, to struggle in this world with his divine help, He would not make it so. To continue to struggle in this world means that He has plans for us which we may not be able to see or even fathom. Sometimes the struggles that we encounter in our daily lives seems to be too difficult. But trust that there is nothing more powerful than He, our father and creator. We are not here by accident and we were not put into our lives and circumstances for no reason. He knows what is best for us and gives us the strength to overcome any obstacle.