i'm trying to get into hockey and i have no idea where to even start. do you have any suggestions for a newcomer?
pal i don’t even know how i got here (just kidding, i exactly know, it is on the internet forever and also it’s My Own Damn Fault)
from what i can tell, you pick just one water bottle to be responsible for at first. ur starter hockey. the one who trips you so you fall in the hole.
according to catie’s hockey polls it seems like a lot of people fall in via sidney crosby, a canadian hockey robot who wants to learn to be a real boy, and many others were cruelly snatched by tyler seguin, a sexy dumpster racoon eating protein powder out of his creepy human hands. wade was lassoed by timothy jimothy oshie: devoted husband and father, stone cold sex freaq. eva, rave, catie and i willingly and consciously jumped after “dc hockey man looks like tim riggins”. choose ur own adventure!
have you selected ur first hockey water bottle? dope! now it’s time to find someone with a robust tag of that hockey! cool, now u know what ur first hockey looks like in various sweaty situations. time to hit the ole ao3. these two tactics when combined will lead you to level two: more fuckin water bottles. let the current take you. it’s a wild ride.
these water bottles may be all on one team. surprise!! that’s your team now! some people choose the team nearest to them geographically, but that seems fiscally responsible and unlikely. go with ur heart. project all sorts of weird shit onto them. their narrative is ur narrative. are you anxious about ageing and missing your shot?? the washington capitals may be for you! are you one boy and his only friend?? try the vegas golden knights!! are you a bunch of scrappy little muppets who are giving it the ole teenage try??? ur a maple leaf, you’re on the up and ur gonna be happy for a long fucking time baby, so i’m mad and jealous at you (I KNOW, i know, you suffered for three centuries in the ice desert, leave me alone)
there are soon-to-be 31 teams so there’s plenty to get weird and personal about. pick ur poison.
damn buddy now you’re deep in this situation. ur hoggles have probably fused onto your face. u keep discovering new water bottles. you’re terrorising your friends in the group chat.
look at all those fucking water bottles!!! god. this was a damn mistake. your team just lost and it HURTS your BODY. who are you?? you’re sports crying on your sofa!! fuck this whole experience!! you should never have got into hockey. time to get out.
nice joke; you can’t get out! you know that west wing speech about the guy in the hole, and the friend jumps in after him? and the guy goes ‘are you stupid? now we’re both down here!’ ‘yeah but i’ve been here before,’ says the friend, ‘and i know the way out.’ spoiler alert: none of us had ever been in the hole, or know the way out. we’re just chilling in here, in a hole. now you’re here too! welcome, buddy. welcome to the hole.
sure beats the hell out of thinking about the state of the world all the time, though, am i right??
