The Void @bringthethunderingskies - Tumblr Blog

After so many months, I'm back. He's gone, and I don't care anymore. But there's someone else and I just wanna kiss him and that's how you know you're fucked. When you wanna kiss him from the first day you realize you like him.

#Let's hope this one doesn't nearly kill me #at least he's kinder

The desire to kiss him has been overwhelming lately. I'm not really sure what to do.

#I doubt he likes me #I really do #and I know that I'll be fine #but I just #have this desire #this craving #for physical intimacy/affection

I am still bitter and I realize how bad that is. Being merciful is so hard. Being graceful is so hard. It's in these times that I remember all the mercy that has been lavished on me. The grace. Grace upon grace upon grace upon grace.

#Evan I forgive you for not inviting me to hang out with you #Evan if forgive you for being disruptive and fostering disunity #Evan I forgive you for hurting me #that's so hard to say

This month has brought disorder and chaos beyond what I imagined. But I have a new belt, and a breastplate, and new shoes to carry me though these times

This will go down as the worst night in my entire life

#I can't believe this #I'm so fucking upset

I've realized that as long as there's the tiniest glimmer of hope that I can be with him (and barring an act of God) I won't be able to get over him

#I think I have to do something #which is terrifying #but I'm in so much pain and I'm so tired #it's been a year #a year #I'm going to pray about telling him how I feel about him

The hardest part is having to let go of the possibility

#this hurts more than I thought it would #but somehow I always knew it was coming

Wowowow

#this is tough #I just found out that someone else likes the boy I like #and she's so much prettier and more desirable than me #and I hate it I hate it I hate it #I love her and would never ever hate her #I'm just so upset #like what the heck #my life is a shitshow #one thing after another #they don't stop happening #and I'm in so much pain right now #honestly I don't know what to do or what to say #it just breaks my heart because I don't even stand a chance #she's so beautiful #and God it stings

I never know what to say to you And I've been especially vulnerable lately The one time we talked personally I ended up hurt I know you didn't mean it But I've been very sensitive lately And it's hard to take a barrage of "whys" questioning all of my choices I'm not permanently hurt by you In fact, I'm glad you hurt me It was a reminder I needed A painful reminder That you're just as busted up and terrible as me I forgive you And I know as (if?) we get closer That's something I'll have to continue to do

#you mean a whole lot more to me than you realize #I both hate it and love it

Holy, holy Holy, holy Holy, holy is The Lord Almighty (I began to understand why God died)

#so much is happening inside me and outside me #this felt like the only fitting response #Holy (Wedding Day)

I saw both of them today. The one I used to admire and the one I can’t decide if I admire. The one I can’t decide about, he’s different now. Maybe it was just because he was tired. But I don’t think so. I think he’s changed. Maybe only a bit. But he has. He gave me a hug. I wasn’t expecting it at all. But it was sweet. I’ve missed him. I’ve missed both of them. I bought a present for the one I used to admire, because his family is throwing a surprise birthday party for him. I got him some coffee. I hope he likes it. And I hope it gets here in time. I just want to be his friend, more than anything.

#I don't think there was any point to this #but both of those boys make me think too much

Bring me home

#I want your heart

It's been a long time. I'm a lot different. I don't care too much anymore about him. He probably hates me and honestly it's better that way. He's not back yet. I'm not sure what's going to happen when he comes back. I hope he's changed and grown. I hope they all have. Growth is good for the soul.

#I just can't believe how I feel about all this #come what may #I may be with him #I may not #regardless #God is in control

I don't want to idealize you. You're a human, first and foremost. I need to remember that. I wish you wouldn't be gone for so long, but I think it's stopped me from falling for you. So maybe it's a good thing. I don't think you'll be the same when you come back.

#you're such an unexpected mess in my mind

Since when did tolerance Get so intolerant

#no one is entitled to anger

This here See this is a different kind of bad

#so much is happening #and I'm so overwhelmed #I think I like someone else #and my mental health is fucked up again #I'm not depressed but what am I #I'm going through some weird manic like thing #I hate this #I hate it so much

There’s no word for the longing I feel Because the longing I feel isn’t a longing that can’t be satisfied It can It could But will it? It’s the unknown the possibility That kills me Because if I stand a chance then why am I sitting here But if I don’t I don’t want to stand up You see my dilemma? I don’t know what to think and still I long So deeply So painfully I long

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