logging onto tumblr via a computer after years of not... It doesn't feel like returning home, as it was just a 2D space I starred at for hours on end once upon a time...it's a new 2024 feeling- to miss a website that has not been revamped or had a comeback, one that has remained just the way it always was aside from a few new features. And I'm not 17 anymore where it's expected that I waste hours on here. It's a time capsule of everything I have felt, ever. Everything I obsessed over when I had no one to share it with. But unlike a time capsule buried in the ground, I can't hold these quotes or photos or dreams - they come in feelings only. Nothing on here physically aged, the quotes, if on paper would be yellow now, the photos might have stains. It's not like when Myspace disappeared and attempted to come back in less desirable conditions. It's also not like Facebook, where I frequently posted pictures of myself or events that happened in real life. Here, events happened and there are photos of those events on my blog, but they didn't happen to me, I just wish they did. Or I wish they didn't if they're quotes about depression and grief. This blog is like the inside of my brain, untainted by fear someone I know in real life would see it. It's a diary I didn't have to physically write or cut photos out for. I didn't have to go on Google or Pinterest and search specifically "photo of Las Vegas", find a decently aesthetic picture and glue it on paper and say "I wanna go here!" to only myself, where no one else would see. No, I actually was probably influenced by the strangers I followed, who happened to like a picture of a casino enough to repost it, to which I ironically saw and also enjoyed enough to think to myself... hmm I wanna go there. And the algorithm wasn't trying to hard to sway me. Here, anything I saw was all up to what my followers liked- it was authentic. Yes, sometimes in relation to traditional media like TV shows and music I would initiate that process and search that piece of media and find accounts who shared similar interests as me, but usually I got more than I bargained for based on who I was that week (;)). One week I wanted to be like those tan, skinny girls who wore triangle bikini's, the next I wanted to be a hot pink baddie with diamond butterflies around my neck, the next I reblogged cows and dreamed of being a writer on a farm in Pennsylvania. I was unpredictable and finding myself. My mutuals were online at 12AM, and so was I- number of likes, searches in my history were all incredibly inconvenient. Mutual, you were online, and so was I and we liked similar things, so we influenced each other before social influencers got profit off of it. We hid behind photos of celebrities we admired. It was all for fun and sharing a piece of ourselves with the world along with better understanding ourselves- without thinking of it that way. But I'm thinking of it that way now, and maybe I'm romantasizing social media addiction, but I'd say this website had a lot of say in who I am now. And I think I'm more inclined to follow my dreams because I frequently day dreamed and saw others succeed. I think I have a deeper appreciation for some things than I would have, had I not been on here.
