this is the stuff i wrote: hope you enjoy your stay :)
Seventeen going under (j.f)
Synopsis: YN has been the Fisher's neighbor since she was in diapers. Jeremiah Fisher has been her best friend for as long as she could remember. He was always her person. This summer was different, though. Things were different. Mistakes were made and lies were told. The carefree Cousins summer that they all longed for all year long, seemed to be crashing down around them and YN could no longer hold it all up.
part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13 part 14 part 15 part 16 part 17 part 18 part 19 part 20 part 21
details (j.f)
Synopsis: Yn thought she and Jeremiah were unstoppable after finally falling in love last summer. After all, they had made it through war together but only a short 10 months later, they're broken up and no longer speaking. What they thought was forever came crashing down and Yn isn't so sure it can be rebuilt.
bad in the bones (c.f)
synopsis: Yn joins her cousin Belly for her annual trip to Cape Cod, post heart shattering break up, hoping that the salt air will make her forget. It wasn’t the ocean that made her heart melt back together, it was the boy that was swimming in it. The same boy that her cousin loved.
part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9
stick season (c.f)
Synopsis: the Conrad you loved was fun, adventurous, and loyal. he had a fierceness that you could not escape. you were certain he was the one. forever. you didn’t expect that Susannah’s death would change him in all the worst ways. inspired by stick season by noah kahan
part 1 part 2
Requests
couldn't be more in love (c.f)
strangers again (c.f)
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Hey all! Gonna start posting chapters of all my works on Substack! There will be an edited/changed version of Seventeen Going Under and probably some other bodies of work as well. If anyone is interested, go ahead and follow me there! @hailsd
I’ll try and be more active on here as I really need to be held accountable for my writing 😅 I have fallen super behind and need to get back into it.
Let me know what you guys wanna see! I know more Bad in the Bones!!! Hahaha
Hey all! Gonna start posting chapters of all my works on Substack! There will be an edited/changed version of Seventeen Going Under and probably some other bodies of work as well. If anyone is interested, go ahead and follow me there! @hailsd
I’ll try and be more active on here as I really need to be held accountable for my writing 😅 I have fallen super behind and need to get back into it.
Let me know what you guys wanna see! I know more Bad in the Bones!!! Hahaha
a/n: hey guys, sorry it's been a minute. just trying to figure out life right now haha but it's here! sorry for the wait!!
Thanksgiving, last year
I was sitting on the couch with my feet on the coffee table and a book in my hand when Conrad walked in. He leaned against the door jam with his hands in his pocket and I’m pretty sure he was watching me for a while before finally speaking up, but when he did, he had a smile on his face. “What are you doing hiding in here?”
I held up my book for him to see the cover. I don’t think he read it, just nodded and started walking toward me. “I’m not hiding,” I said. “Just getting out of the way.” When Susannah was in the kitchen, everyone was just a waste of space. If you weren’t chopping or peeling, you had to go and I was doing neither.
“Where’s Jere? He wasn’t in the kitchen.” I close my book with a bookmark and set it aside.
“He’s probably upstairs,” I told him. Conrad lifted up my legs by my ankles and sat down next to me, putting my legs on his lap. His hands rested on my thighs. “I think he’s a little overwhelmed with everything that’s going on.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” He scoffed and I shook my head. Of course, he didn’t know what I meant because he was never around anymore. He didn’t see all the stuff that Jeremiah did every day. He wouldn’t understand.
“He’s just tired, is all. Taking care of your mom.” Conrad looked at me, his eyebrows knitted in confusion and he opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. “She needs a lot of help these days.”
“What do you mean? She’s in there right now cooking Thanksgiving dinner,” he said, a little laugh under his voice.
“She’s making mashed potatoes and veggies. You didn’t see Jeremiah cooking the turkey all morning and feeding her health smoothies so she’d have enough energy to even do what she’s doing,” I told him. “She’s not doing well, Con.”
“You don’t think I know that?” He whispers.
“You don’t seem to act like it.” Hurt flashes across his face. “You’re just never around anymore.” I tried to keep my tone light so maybe his feelings don’t get hurt but I can tell that they are. He opened his mouth to speak but then Jeremiah’s voice booms from behind us.
“Dinner is ready,” he said. We both turn to look at him. His blonde hair is still a curly mess but he tried today. He spent too long in the bathroom with his hair gel trying to make the curls fall in the right spot. His eyes dart between Conrad and I before they land on my legs on his lap. I shift uncomfortably, swinging my feet to the ground.
“Let’s eat,” I said, standing up and tossing my book next to Conrad. I met Jeremiah in the door, taking his outstretched hand. I can’t help but notice Jeremiah watching Conrad on our way to the dining room.
Later that night, Jeremiah told me he was going to football camp over the summer. “It’s our last summer in Cousins. With Susannah,” I said when he told me. His eyebrows crinkled and he shook his head at me.
“My mom is going to die before we can go back to Cousins. You know that.”
“Don’t say that,” I snapped but he wasn’t phased. He blinked slowly and sighed. “You don’t know that.”
“I do know that. And my dad wants me to go this year, finally. So I’m going to go.” He sounded so certain. Adam always asked Conrad to go to football camp. Conrad was always his star but now that Conrad quit, I guess Adam has no other option. I almost said this to him, just to hurt his feelings, but I didn’t. “I thought you’d be happy.”
“Why would I be happy?” I asked. “You’ll be gone for three months.”
“You supported Conrad when he went,” he spat. Always just when I think he’s over it, he throws it back in my face. Conrad. Always, always Conrad.
“I didn’t care if I saw Conrad for three months or not.” Liar. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
Jeremiah stood up and ran his hand through his curls. No longer perfectly placed but a disheveled mess. “I have to go check on my mom,” he said after a minute. He turned toward the door.
“Conrad is in there with her,” I told him. After dinner, Conrad took her up to bed and has been locked in the room with her since.
“Of course you’d know that.”
“Oh, shut up!” I yelled. He turned, startled that I raised my voice. “Just stop with that.” His shoulders dropped and he crossed the room swiftly, wrapping me in his arms. I let him hug me and I hugged him back and we didn’t talk.
Conrad went home the next day. He knocked on my front door, bags in hand and dropped them on the stoop when I opened the door. “Just wanted to say bye,” he said quietly.
“I didn’t know you were leaving so soon.”
“I just-” he stopped and looked at the ground and he didn’t have to finish. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. I pulled open the door a little further, just enough for him to squeeze inside the house. He did without question.
My dad forced my mom to go Black Friday shopping with her so they’ve been gone for hours. I had the entire house to myself but I still led him upstairs. He collapsed onto my bed and covered his face in the crook of his elbow. “It’s better for both of them if you stay,” I said quietly. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells talking about Susannah when she was sick. I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing.
“I can’t see her like that,” he said. “I kept that secret to myself for too long. I can’t handle it anymore.” His voice was muffled from his arm. I sat down next to him. So close his leg was touching mine. “Plus, Jeremiah acts like he couldn’t care less whether I’m here or not.”
“That’s not true, you’re his brother.” Conrad peeks his eye out at me and I give him a look that makes him roll his eyes and cover them back up.
“What are you going to do this summer when he’s gone?” He asked, changing the subject. I shrugged which makes the bed move up and down. “Maybe I can come home for a while.”
“What are you going to do for the rest of break with no one else on campus?” I asked. It was his turn to shrug now which made me blow a laugh from my nose.
“Lots of kids stay home for break. I’ll be back for Christmas.” I picked at my nails and thought about Conrad in a knitted sweater, his hair pulled down by a beanie. He stood up then and said, “I should get going.” I nodded and stood up with him, following him downstairs back to the front door. “Call Jere,” he said as we stood on the front porch. My hand gripped the door tighter.
“I will.” He nodded and touched my wrist as a parting gesture. We no longer hug. Not since summer. I don’t close the door until his car is down the street. I pull out my phone and see three missed texts from Jeremiah.
Hey, con left
Hello???
Where are you?
I don’t call him, instead I put on my shoes and cross the lawn to his house. He’s sitting in the living room, his phone on the coffee table and the TV on quiet. He turned around at the sound of me entering and he smiled. My Jeremiah. My heart jumps at the way his eyes crinkle. “Susannah sleeping?” I asked and he nodded. I walk toward the couch to meet him and can’t help but notice the perfect view of my front porch.
“We have to get back,” Conrad says. My dress is still soaking wet, dripping onto the cement underneath me. Conrad’s hair drips water onto my forehead and I wipe it away with the back of my head.
“Do we?” He gives me a lazy smile and extends his hand to me. “They’re going to kill us.”
“And who’s fault is that?” He tilts his head to the side and I push my wet hair out of face. His hand finds my cheek and he presses his lips against mine softly. “I’m sure there are spare clothes somewhere around here,” he says. He leads me inside of the country club and instead of going down the hall, we take the stairs up to the second floor. “I think there’s a closet somewhere in here.” He pokes around the rooms, opening and shutting door when he doesn’t find what he wants.
“We’re leaving a trail,” I laugh, looking behind us at the water drenching the carpet.
“Hold your dress up higher,” he remarks. I do what I’m told but huff at him which makes him chuckle. “Here.” He opens the door to a dressing room. In the corner there are clothes hanging up on a rack with a row of vanities in the middle. “I think this is where the girls all got ready,” he tells me. I walk toward the row of dresses hanging up. They’re not all white, but most of them are which feels tacky to wear. Like wearing white at a wedding. “What are you going to wear?” I ask as he opens a wardrobe on the other side of the room.
“The boys dressing room is a few doors down. I’ll go find something.” He pulls out a purple dress from the wardrobe and holds it out as if he’s trying to picture me in it. “Put this on. I’ll be right back.” He drapes the dress over one of the vanity chairs and then disappears out of the room. I strip out of my wet dress, leaving it in a pile on the floor and slip on the purple one. It’s silky and hugs my curves exactly where they need to be hugged. It’s a perfect fit. I brush out my hair with my fingers and fix my makeup with whatever I can find on the vanity but nothing I do is going to make me look like I didn’t just jump in the pool, but it’s better than nothing.
I wander down the hallway until I find the only door that’s cracked open. I peek inside, trying not to make a noise. Conrad is standing in front of a wardrobe similar to the one he pulled my dress out of trying to untie his tie from around his neck. “Need some help?” I ask quietly. He smiles when he sees me and nods his head. He’s still wearing his wet suit, the fabric damp under my fingertips as I undo the knot.
“That dress looks beautiful on you,” he whispers. I drop the tie to our feet and work the jacket off of his shoulders.
“Thank you,” I whisper back without looking up at him. The jacket drops to the ground and I start undoing the buttons of his shirt. “We gotta get you out of these wet clothes, huh?” I can feel his heart beating faster under my hands and he nods slowly. He dips his head so our noses touch and then we’re kissing again. My fingers stop working out the buttons and instead they’re gripping his shirt and pulling him closer to me. His hands grip my hips and we stumble backward until we hit one of the vanities, the edge of it ramming into my lower back but I don’t feel it.
Conrad lifts me up and sets me down on the vanity, his tongue sliding into my mouth. I open my mouth and let him in, his tongue taking over my own. His hands slid up my thigh and under my dress, his fingertips pressing into my skin. I don’t bother trying to undo the buttons of his shirt anymore, I just rip it open and off his body, desperate to feel his skin on mine.
Conrad pulls away from me, leaving me cold and empty. A moan escapes my lips at his absence and she smiles, tracing his thumb along my swollen bottom lip. “I don’t have anything,” he says. “I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “We should get back anyway, huh?” I ask. I think he can feel the disappointment in my voice because he kisses me once again, this time soft and sweet, and nods. “Then let’s get you changed.”
Our table is empty when we return. I stop just clear of the door and when it slams shut behind us, I feel the entire room looking at us. But they’re not really. They’re looking at our people - Belly, Jeremiah, Susannah, and Laurel. They’re all huddled in a group. Jeremiah and Belly’s backs are to us. Susannah looks like she’s crying. While my feet stay put, Conrad’s move him as fast as possible to his mom.
I can’t hear anything over the music but I can tell they’re all angry. Or sad. Conrad’s face is all scrunched up and he’s holding his hands out to his brother as if he needs to steady him but Jeremiah’s shoulders are tense. Belly’s shoulders slouch and Jeremiah yells, “you knew! You knew and you didn’t tell me!”
“Jeremiah,” Conrad says more like a warning than anything. Jeremiah’s hands are on Conrad before Conrad finishes speaking and they’re tumbling around, a mess of flailing limps. Susannah is crying and begging her boys to stop and I snap back. I was hoping I was imagining it all but the cries are real and the fists hitting faces are real.
“What is going on?” I ask Belly when I reach her side. I raise my voice above Laurel crying for the boys to stop. Jeremiah is on the ground with Conrad on top of him, trying to pin him down. Belly doesn’t speak. Her lower lip quivers and she looks like she’s going to cry but can’t do anything to stop it. I’m about to put my arm around her but then Jeremiah gets a punch in and now Conrad is on the ground and instead of my arms going to Belly, they’re reaching for Conrad.
Susannah grabs Jeremiah by his shoulders and he softens at her touch but when I grab Conrad, he jerks away from me. Our eyes meet and I can see him soften, just a little bit, but then his face goes stoic. “My mom is sick,” he says. “Her cancer is back and I knew this whole time.” I open my mouth to speak but he doesn’t let me. “Jeremiah just found out. While we were out there, in the pool making out, he found out.” He shoves a finger toward in the direction of the pool.
“I didn’t know,” I mumble, shaking my head. I reach for him instictively and he takes a step back, shaking his head at me.
“Of course you didn’t know. No one knew and he shouldn’t have had to find out like this. I should have never left with you. This was a mistake from the beginning, you even said it yourself.” I think my heart bursts inside of my chest. Cracks, actually. My heart explodes. Disintergrates. Completely combusts.
“You don’t mean that,” I whisper. I’m suddenly very, very aware of all the eyes on us. Belly’s eyes on us.
“I do.” He gives me a curt nod and then turns around and walks away.
I feel like the walls are moving further and further away from me and I’m left, all alone, in the middle of the dance floor. I feel like I did when we were in the boat, paddling through the water except I’m paddling alone and going in circles.
“You and Conrad?” It’s Belly that speaks to me first. At least, she’s the only voice I can hear. “You and fucking Conrad?” She repeats harder this time, spitting at me as she speak. I don’t want to look at her, but I do. I look at the tears in her eyes, the red flush on her cheeks, and her shaking hands.
“Belly,” I breathe. “Belly let me explain.” I start to beg her. I’m practically going to my knees but she throws her hands up and storms away.
I sat outside of Belly’s door all night. At first, I was knocking and begging for her to open it and let me talk. I begged her to listen to me. I could hear her shuffling for hours but eventually, it all went quiet and I was sure she fell asleep, but I kept whispering to her. Hoping that she would open the door. Eventually, she did. She opened the door so fast I fell backward, barely catching myself with my hands. “You’re still out here?”
“I didn’t think you’d open the door,” I told her honestly. She shrugged and opened the door further, silently inviting me in. I scrambled to my feet and went into her room and she shut the door behind me. “Thank you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked before I could finish my sentence. She crossed her arms over her chest, closing herself off to me almost completely.
“How could I?”
“You’re my cousin. My best friend,” she pleaded, dropping her arms at her side.
I stepped toward her but she stepped away so I stopped. “You could have told me.”
“You would have been upset. I didn’t want to upset you. I know how you feel about him.” I tried to quiet my voice to a whisper but Belly didn’t want to be quiet. Her voice was harsh and stern.
“I’m upset anyway. Were you ever going to tell me? Or just be with him behind my back until we went home? And then what? You’re my family but so is he.” I knew what she was insinuating. That I would leave him after summer was over and never tell her. “You should have told me.”
“You’re right.” I threw up my hands. “You’re right, I should have told you but I fell in love with him, okay? And I panicked. If I had told you and you told me not to be with him, I wouldn’t be with him and that thought alone scared me more than anything.” Belly’s face softened for a moment and I felt the breath I was holding in release itself. “I’m sorry.”
“You would have stopped if I asked you to?” She asked and I nodded. She sighed and walked over to me, plopping herself down on the bed next to me. I hesitated, but sat down too.
“Belly, you’re my family. I can’t help that we fell in love but I should have told you.” She nodded and then put her arm around me and it was over. Just like that. No yelling, no screaming. She was just my Belly again.
“I would never have told you to stop seeing him,” she whispered.
“Well, I’m pretty sure we’re over anyway,” I told her. I just kept picturing his face in my mind. The way he glared at me before leaving me all alone. “I doubt he wants anything to do with me. Besides, that’s the least of his worries right now. Me and him.”
I could see the way her face fell. I put my head on her shoulder and she put her head on mine and we sat there in silence for a long time before eventually, we fell asleep in her bed.
The sunrise woke me up the next morning. Belly was still fast asleep next to me so I slid out of her room quietly and walked down to the beach. The path to the beach is quiet and it’s not yet scorching hot out. When I reach the sand, I take my shoes off and that’s when I see him. He’s sitting in the sand leaning back on his hands and watching the waves crash. I almost turn around. I think I should turn around. But I don’t.
“Fancy meeting you out here,” I tease quietly, hoping not to startle him. He barely flinches. I stand behind him and wait for him to acknowledge me before inviting myself to join him. He waits so long to say anything I almost leave.
“You stalking me or something?” I think I feel a weight leave my shoulders when he talks. His voice no longer screams in my head in anger. “You can sit down.”
“I wasn’t sure.” I hesitate still but sit down next to him. “I don’t know what to say,” I admit. I want to put my hand on his shoulder. I want to look him in the eyes and see the same thing that I saw just yesterday at the pool but all I can do is sit as still as a statue and watch the water.
“I should apologize.”
Conrad stays quiet. I feel him breathing next to me. I know he’s thinking about what to say because his eyebrows are knitted together and he’s chewing the inside of his mouth. “I’m sorry I distracted you this weekend. I’m sorry that this was your last summer here with your family and I ruined it.” I rush out all my words before I can regret them. “I hope that you don’t regret us but we can forget this ever happened.” I stand up, shake the sand off my clothes and start to turn away.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” His words shoot through me like knives. “Forget this ever happened? I love you. I can’t forget that.” I don’t turn around because I can’t look at him. I think I might break if I do. He loves me. “You didn’t ruin this summer. You made it bearable. It’s not your fault I didn’t tell Jeremiah. Please look at me,” he begs.
“I can’t look at you because if I look at you then I’m never going to leave and I have to leave,” I tell him. Laying in Belly’s bed, I made the choice to go home. It’s already set in stone in my mind and I know that if I look at him, I’m going to change my mind. “We shouldn’t be together, Con.”
“Stay as my friend,” he rushes out. “I need you.”
“I can’t just be your friend.” His hand wraps around my wrist and he spins me
around so I have to look at him. I swear there are tears in his eyes that he’s blinking away. “I can’t be your friend,” I repeat. His eyes dance from my eyes to my lips and I know he doesn’t want to be just friends.
“Why can’t we be together?”
“The same reasons that we should never have gotten together in the first place. Belly and your mom and all this shit you’re dealing with that you’re not focused on because of me.” Conrad rolls his eyes and cups my face with his hands and I can’t help but lean into him, at least just a little bit.
“I need you,” he tells me again. “Please don’t go.”
details (a seventeen going under story)(j.f)(ch.2)
details (a seventeen going under story)(j.f) (ch.2)
a/n: hey all! thanks for your patience with waiting for chapter two! hopefully you all enjoy it and let me know what you think or if you wanna be tagged in the next part!! I'll be working on updating my masterlist so hopefully that will be fully up to date shortly. love you all!!!
My birthday was in September. Only a few weeks after we got back from Cousins. Susannah was still as healthy as she had been all summer, so she threw the biggest party I’d ever seen her throw. It was bigger than either of the boys’ sixteenth birthday. Bigger than my sixteenth birthday. She rented an entire ballroom and hired a catering service and a DJ. It was everything that I hated but she was so happy planning it, it almost felt like her dying wish.
Jeremiah sat at the end of my bed as I riffled through my clothes trying to pick out an outfit. He wasn’t much help because he said everything I picked out looked good The third outfit that I held up was a blue dress that hit just above my knees. When he said, “you’d look beautiful in that” again, I huffed it at him. He laughed as he caught the hanger.
“What’s with the attitude?” He asked.
I stood in front of him with my hands on my hips and tilted my head to the side, “you’re supposed to help me pick an outfit and you’re not helping me by telling me everything looks good.” Jeremiah smiled at me like he always did with crooked lips and soft eyes.
“But you do look good in everything,” he said. “But maybe I’ll get a better idea if you put it on.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I rolled my eyes.
“Not a chance.” He gawked at me and grabbed my wrist, pulling me in between his legs. I let him and my arms naturally fell over his shoulders.
“Not even a small, minuscule one?”
“You know what minuscule means?” I teased him. He faked a laugh and his hands squeezed the back of my thighs. He was perfect and I kissed him making him fall back onto my bed with me on top.
I wore the blue dress to my party with a gold necklace that had the letter J hanging right right below my clavicle. Jeremiah draped it around my neck when he met me outside of the venue. His fingertips grazed my skin as he clasped it around my neck. His hands rested on my bare shoulders and he kissed my cheek and said, “forever, you’re mine.” I believed him and when we took photos together in the photo booth, he kissed my neck and I threw my head back laughing. He tucked both copies into his back pocket and when we got home later that night, he secured it into the frame of my mirror and we fell asleep tangled up together in the sheets.
Now as I stare at the photo, instead of my heart swelling with fond memories, it fills with dread. I grab it and shove it in the bag I packed for Brown. I throw it over my shoulder and head downstairs where my parents are pretending that they weren’t waiting for me to come down. I hear the shuffle of my dad grabbing his crossword puzzle book from his lap in a hurry as I round the corner. “I’m going to go see Conrad at school, okay?” I tell them.
My mom blinks at me. “Oh.”
“Oh?”
“I just didn’t know you and Conrad were still talking. Considering.” She shrugs loosely and gives
me a sad smile. Considering.
“Conrad and I are still friends, Mom.”
“She didn’t mean anything by it, sweetheart. How long are you planning on staying?” My dad
asks. I turn my head to look at him and he looks so eager. So hopeful.
“The weekend. I should be home by Monday.” He nods and my mom blows me a kiss. They yell at me to be careful as I leave out the front door.
Brown’s campus is even more beautiful than the way Conrad describes it on the phone. It’s a little overwhelming, if I’m being honest. I stand in front of my car watching all the students pass by me with purpose and hesitate to ask one of them for directions. That’s when I see him. Walking toward me in a striped, collared shirt with a grin plastered on his face. “There she is,” he calls. He runs toward me, closing the gap between us. His arms wrap around my waist and he spins me around a few times which makes me laugh. When I land back on my feet he says, “I feel like it’s been far too long since I’ve seen you.”
“It’s only been a few weeks,” I remind him.
“Feels like forever.” Conrad looks down at me and smiles. His hands grip my biceps and he pulls me in for another hug. I feel my body relax against his chest, something that my body has refused to do for the last few weeks. I try to remember the last time I saw him. I remember what he was wearing, the way his hair looked, the look on his face as I ran out of the house in tears. “I’ll show you to my dorm and then we can go get lunch,” he says and releases me.
The walk to his dorm is short but the campus is beautiful. I feel his eyes on me the entire time we’re walking. His arm brushes against mine and his eyes stare down at me willing for mine to meet them. I don’t.
His door has a blank whiteboard on it and I almost think that’s more fitting than him writing his name on it. His roommate is gone so when the door closes, we’re alone and suddenly it all feels too quiet. “How did your last chemistry test go?” I ask as I stand awkwardly in the doorway. Conrad carried my bag the entire way and it’s now lying at the foot of his bed, his hand still lingering on the straps.
He chuckles and says, “it went well, thanks for helping me study.”
“Anytime.” He smiles at me and waves me toward him. I take the few short steps across the room and he hugs me one more time, this time as tight as his arms will allow.
details (a seventeen going under story)(j.f)(ch.1)
details (a seventeen going under story)
a/n: hello everyone!! i hope you all enjoy this new story. It's a continuation of seventeen going under, so if you haven't read that yet I encourage you to do so! I'm trying to follow the story line of book/season 2 but obviously, it's going to be different. Let me know what you all think!!
Susannah died at the beginning of June. The call came late one night as I was fast asleep, but Jeremiah’s empty breathing woke me up. I immediately knew something was wrong and ran next door without putting any shoes on. The boys were sitting on the couch in the dark not speaking. They looked like statues, I thought at that moment. Little wax figures forever frozen in time when their mom was still alive, but they were not. They were alive.
They both turned to look at me when the front door swung shut. Jeremiah’s eyes were puffy and red. Neither of them looked like they had gotten any sleep for days, maybe. We all knew it was coming soon - her death. She was slowly getting worse and worse, it was only a matter of time. I kissed Jeremiah in the doorway as he left for the hospital to see her. Neither of us knew it would be the last time he saw her. If I had known, I’d have kissed him a little harder.
If I had known that everything would change that night, I would have hugged him a little bit harder. I would have locked him in the house and not let him leave. I would have strapped our ankles together so that he could never leave me, but he did. He did leave me. And now, I’m sitting on the back porch watching the rain poor down flooding the grass.
“Dinner is ready,” my mom calls from inside of the kitchen. She always likes to keep the back door open when it rains. “Come inside before you get a cold.”
“It’s too warm out for me to get a cold,” I tell her once I’m inside. She pushes a plate toward me on the counter with a sad smile. She’s been pitying me for weeks it feels like. Always giving me sad smiles and hugging me for longer than normal. Shouldn’t she be the one grieving? She lost her best friend. She watched her person die right in front of her eyes and she’s the one comforting me? I pick at the chicken with my fork but don’t eat it. “I’m not hungry.”
“You have to eat something.” My dad comes in from the other room, kissing the top of my head once before rounding the island and kissing my mom on the cheek. She leans into him and my stomach turns.
“I ate lunch.” I push the plate away. “I’m just going to go to sleep.” I can feel both of them watching me as I walk away with their sad eyes and wallowing stares. Being upstairs doesn’t make me feel much better. He’s all over the place up here. His clothes are in my closet, his shoes under my bed, and the notebook he gave me on the desk. I flip it open to the last page. Big, white, and empty. I’ve been meaning to pack up all his stuff for weeks now, but I can’t bring myself to do it. One minute I was packing for Cousins and the next Susannah is dead and Jeremiah is no longer my Jeremiah.
My phone starts to ring in my hand. I know who it is before I even look at the screen so I answer it, but I don’t speak. “Y/N,” he says softly. “I can hear you breathing.” I lay back on my bed and try to stop breathing. I hold my breath until my lungs start to burn. “Did you eat today?”
“Don’t start doing that,” I whisper.
“Doing what?”
“Talking to my mom and checking up on me. She already talks to me like she’s walking on eggshells I don’t need you to do it now, too. You’re the one grieving.” I can picture Conrad now, rolling his eyes because all he ever does is care for other people he couldn’t imagine not doing it. Not even now. “I should be asking you if you’re eating.”
“I ate a burger about 30 minutes ago. I can feel it traveling through my digestive tract as we speak,” he says. I can hear the smile on his face.
“Good.” Conrad calls me every day at the same time for the last month. Sometimes we sit in silence and sometimes we don’t but he never hangs up first. It’s been exactly 32 days since I’ve seen Jeremiah. 32 days since I have heard his voice, although Conrad’s is similar. Similar but not the same. 32 days since I have felt his hands on me and exactly 30 days since his mother’s funeral and 28 days since Susannah died. My mom keeps telling me that time heals all wounds but how can I believe her when I feel like it just keeps getting worse and worse?
“When are you coming back to visit? They’re doing prospective student tours next week. Figured you could come then and tag along.” he suggests. It’s been a while since I’ve been out of the house and I think he knows that. He’s been trying to get me to visit him at school for weeks now but I keep blowing him off. I shouldn’t be, I know that but the thought of leaving the perimeter of my house feels very similar to dying.
“I’ll think about it,” I tell him. “Look, I should probably-”
“Jeremiah asked about you.” We both say the same time. His words stop me in more ways then
one. I sit up and grip my phone harder. My voice stops, my breathing stops, and I’m pretty sure my heart stops.
“What did he say?” My voice cracks and I clear my throat. “What did he want?”
“He asked me how you were doing,” he tells me. “He asked me if you ask about him.”
“Did you tell him that I don’t?” I don’t recognize my own voice. I keep talking about him to a minimum because when I do, it feels like my entire body is falling apart. Conrad sighs on the other side of the phone and he doesn’t reply. “What did you tell him?”
“I told him that you were.” he hesitates. “That you were you. You were okay.” I stop myself from picturing how he was doing in that house all alone. Just him and Adam. I have to stop myself because if I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t. “You were going to tell me that you’re hanging up, right? Before I said that.”
“Yes.”
“Don’t hang up yet, okay?” His voice cracks so I don’t hang up. I don’t hang up for what feels like hours but we sit together all night long until eventually I fall asleep listening to him breathing.
When Susannah got really sick, the worse I’ve ever seen her, being around the house was hard. Conrad hardly seemed to be around. It was his first year at Brown, so we all let it slide when he didn’t come home on weekends or make it to her doctor’s appointments. Jeremiah or my mom always took her. Laurel came down a lot, too but Jeremiah always got the worst of it it seemed like. One day, I came over to find him with his head in a pile of bills.
“That’s not your responsibility,” I told him when he told me that he was sorting through the bills and trying to pay them off.
“It’s just one less thing she has to worry about, you know? Conrad isn’t going to do it.” His voice was tense and unlike the Jeremiah that I loved. I put my hand on his shoulder and kissed the top of his head.
“You have a dad,” I reminded him. He half smiled at me and took my hand off his shoulder. He held it tightly and kissed my knuckles. “Lets go get some food,” I suggested. “We can bring your mom home something.”
“Normal food makes her nauseous.” There was a lot of things Susannah couldn’t do anymore. She barely could get out of bed. It was like seeing a stranger toward the end. She still smelled the same, her smile was still the same. She said all the things that Susannah said but she wasn’t Susannah. She wasn’t dancing around the house with the radio on in her apron. She wasn’t gardening in the backyard with dirt on her cheek. She was living off of saltine crackers and chicken noodle soup.
“Then we’ll bring her back a cup of water. Come on.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the dinning room table. I felt guilty sometimes. Taking Jeremiah away from his mom like that but he didn’t deserve to sit here and grieve her before she was already gone while Conrad was off living his life. Sometimes I found him smiling. A real smile, the kind you only get when you’re really, really happy. His eyes would light up and he’d be him again. But then, everything hits him all at once and he’s sad again.
He almost didn’t even go to prom with me. We had everything planned. Susannah even picked out the corsage but at the last minute he showed up at my door crying. “How can I go out and have fun while my mom is dying?” He said through his tears. I didn’t have an answer to that so I just let him cry but the next night, he showed up in his suit and tie with the corsage in his hand and it was perfect. It felt like nothing had changed.
