Revival

The person who was my life, took my life away. They betrayed our love, and trust, leaving me shattered. This is the place where I document my strive as I rebuild my life from ground zero.

[brokenlund]

Hot & Horrifying dreams

It was dark. A fancy hotel room. I am with this woman. I know her, but I can’t place her. My fingers are in her mouth, while she tries to scream, I pick her up from behind. My other hand struggles to grab both her boobs, squeezing them hard. Real hard. Like they are the only reason I am not falling down. For some reason, I shout really loud while I continue to thrust in her. Over, and Over. Until I see her melting down completely, leaving me cover - all my skin, my dick, my fingers which were in her mouth until now - covered in hot cheese.

[brokenlund]

Am I depressed?

God its terrifying

I have so much to do but want to do nothing.

I feel sick in my stomach

I want to die. I don’t want to shower, eat, sleep, masturbate. I just want to die.

For no reason.

I think I have so much to do, and a large part of me believes that I can’t do anything. I will not do anything. It is a large part in me that believes that. I was so excited till Tuesday. It started to go down on Wednesday. I refused to do anything. I just wanted to die.

How terrible I can be.

How terrible I can get.

[brokenlund]

Had a good dream that led to catharsis. I was with the cheating ex. It was like we were in the relationship where cheating never took place. An alternate universe. We were doing a couple stuff like mall, and things. But we were being careful as to not to be spotted by our families. I felt discontent. I woke up and realized i had the dream coz i am tired of dating, and don’t want to see someone hiding from the worked. I want a relationship and marriage. But u can’t be in a relationship and marriage for the sake of it, with just anyone. Two people have to be at the similar place to make a relationship work, to let the love flourish. You can’t force love. And, you certainly can’t be pressured by it and pressure someone into it. It led me to realize that i am feeling discontent coz dating can be tiring, but the solution is not to marry anyone. It is to be comfortable with yourself and heal yourself right. Coz when you find that person who is at the similar place, you can without any difficulty reciprocate the friendship, and love with all honesty Also. earlier i was skeptical whether two people can really be together forever. now, i am not skeptical anymore. Right person is not some fictional fairy tale prince. Right person is the matured being who understands the value of love and is at the same place as you. Right person is not your counterpart or ur opposite but your equal.

[brokenlund]

"You’ll have to wean yourself off of the guy you think to be your best friend because he’s not your friend, he’s your worst enemy. He will drive you insane and then make you feel guilty for losing your mind. He will fight with you to stop caring about him and when you finally do, he will fight with you to care about him again. The best way is to slowly fade away as if that connection never existed. It’s the only way to end the vicious cycle and be free of the half-ass title he gave you. And one day, you’ll look back and see that he underestimated your strength and that you overestimated his worth."

https://krumehta.wordpress.com/2015/02/26/side-chick/

[brokenlund]

I am afraid I have fallen for you.

There is no saving me now.

You should have met me years ago

when I was sane and unsung

Now, I am just piece of a wood

Waiting to be chipped.

You and I

are unfinished tape

which I will never record.

[brokenlund]

You feel if you don't save this relationship, you are not worth it. But I need to tell you that you are not your relationship.

Relationship is made by two people (or more). You alone can't save or break the relationship. It is not just because of you that relationship does not work.

So stop carrying that baggage of the relationship.

Your self worth should not be dependent on the success, or failure of a relationship. You are much more than your relationship.

[brokenlund]

It is nice to wake up and realize you don't think about her anymore. That the place you have kept for her is shut for her, probably forever. She was good, bad, and ugly. Like she was supposed to be, like I am. It was not that she was not for me, and I was not for her. It was not that months we spent together were likes eons. It was not that we were haunted with terrible timing. No. We were both storms waiting to reach the shore, rain destruction, and leave behind the silence that gives birth to salience of our fractured beings. She was the push I needed to move, I was the salt she needed to heal. Goodbye dear friend, and lover. Albeit, you will not be missed, you will hold a special place in my consciousness. Honored to have you seen in the light, in the dark, in the frittering corners where desire resides, and love mellows. Obliged to be in by you, thankful to be let out. Borrowing the words from Schindler's list, 'I wish I could have done more'. I wish I could have done more. :*

[brokenlund]

I have never been more lonely in my life. I have been lonely since i was born. Lonely, read, not alone. But this is the first time i am feeling thorns of loneliness in my heart. I am surrounded by people yet i am in darkness of my loneliness. I have gone through the worst period of my life last year so this seems nothing. I am afraid that coz of the fear of loneliness i am going to make mistakes, seek wrong people, and fall deep in to my depression. Only saving grace i have is that i am writing well. I am more focused. I just need to get through this phase where i am highly needy. I am so afraid that i want validation. I want a hug, a snog, a laugh. Constantly too. The only cure of loneliness is bare naked vulnerability to be myself. To remind myself that i am fine with my own company. I am never lonely when i am with me. Constantly.

[brokenlund]

Don't beat yourself about falling love with the wrong person.

You will have to go through lot of wrong ones to get to the right one.

Wrong ones make you appreciate the right one.

Just smile. This is just a bad patch of road in your path to glory.

Life is good. Always remember that.

[brokenlund]

A year ago my concern was cheating. Now, I have grown. NOw, it is happiness. It feels good to move ahead. To evolve.

[brokenlund]

One and a half years ago i made a choice. I won't get in to a relationship. I won't fall in love.

I did both the things. many times.

I wanted to find my happiness. I wanted to do things for me. Realized it was banal, you needed people to share ur happiness. Went for friends. they didnt always stay.

Who stayed  was me.

now i am at crisis.

do i choose happiness in others, or happiness in me.

I choose happiness in me.

It is is just a start. it is going to be the friendship that will last.

[itsthewinterwind]

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.

Jo Coudert  (via thatkindofwoman)

[makingangelwings-deactivated201]

But then I realized I was holding onto something that didn’t exist anymore. That the person I missed didn’t exist anymore. People change. The things we like and dislike change. And we could wish all day long that they didn’t, but they always will.

Sarah Ockler (via thatkindofwoman)

[simply-quotes-deactivated202002]

People should not judge failed love affairs as failed experiences but as part of the growth process. Something does not have to end well for it to have been one of the most valuable experiences of a lifetime.

Ethel Person (via simply-quotes)

Truth.

(via soulproprietorship)

[brokenbyyourbetrayal]

[freespirit33]

Enough said 😎✌️ #love #loyaltywho #lolosworld #life #relationships #repost #friendship #loyalty

[brokenlund]

I have been meaning to write this post for a week, but I did not want to coz I thought it would stop me from letting go.

I have reached the stage where I am over that my ex was unfaithful during our relationship in every possible way - emotionally as well as physically. Well, I am mostly over it.

I am not sobbing over the ex, I am not thinking about them all the time, and I am focusing my energy on my own personal growth. Moreover, i am talking to people I am attracted to. I have still not started seeing anyone, but yes I have been flirting, and bonding, which is making me feel less alone.

However, I still have the feelings of anger, loss, and pain gnawing at me. The memories of our almost 4 years together are haunting me. I keep knocking them out but they keep coming back. It has been more than 2 months since we broke up, and I really don't want to be bitter over it.

I have forgiven the ex for the massive lies and dishonesty but I am not able to forget the ex.

I don't want to think of the ex or have to do anything to do with them

But I miss having them around. I reckon thats what living and loving someone for years does that to you.

I still don't want to feel horrible, but I do.

So, to feel a little less horrible I have decided to make a list of good things in my life as even with all the hurt, and pain, and anger, and loss last two months have been super for me. Here is the list of good things that happened to me in last two months:

I got out of the slumber that my depression had put me in. I woke up with zeal to live my life.

I began taking care of what I put in my body. I have been eating healthy food.

I have been exercising regularly. I have lost ten kg of weight until now, and closer to having a much fitter body.

I have started doing meditation again. I have been doing meditation all my life but had stopped for last few years. Now, I am back to it again. Never felt any better.

I am working on my abandonment issues. I have been writing about it so that I can introspect about other issues. I never loved myself enough, and have always been afraid to be with myself. I realized that I was with the ex because I thought if I remained single there is something wrong with me. I need to be someone to become normal. That is completely wrong. There is nothing wrong in being alone. I can still love. My heart is full of love and care for everyone. Including the people who have harmed me. So, I have been loving myself, and helping myself to be at peace with me again.

I got a nice haircut

I have been working a lot. I have taken lot of work. My first love has always been my work. So it feels better to dive in it again. Moreover, I am attaining lot of success in my work.

I have been talking to new people. I am much more comfortable talking to strangers now.

I have been smiling more.

I went dancing in public after a gap of 16 years. Last time I danced in public I was 8. Now, I dance anywhere, and everywhere I hear music.

I went to film festival last week. I was never comfortable in catching movies alone. But this time I did. Again I felt better.

Even though I was dying to talk to the ex, I did not reply to any of their mails. I blocked their number. I remained strong in the most difficult time in my life, and I stood my ground. I maintained no contact with the ex.

I did not jump into a relationship or  a hook up. It helped me realize that I need to first love myself, and be comfortable with myself. I have to stop validating my life through others. I can only be happy with others, if I am happy with myself.

I found my self-respect back.

I am more confident, and happier than I ever was. This is a great phase of my life. And, i am determined to live every moment of it.

Above all, I have realized I am a good person. I am righteous. Even though I was badly hurt, I did not hurt the ex, or anyone else. I have seen people go violent, or revengeful at others coz they were hurt. They date someone just so they can punish them for the crimes of their ex. I thankfully did  not do any of it. Neither I want to now. It makes me immensely happy to realize that even after all their cruelty, I remain kind, and loving. Thats all I ever wanted.

I was suicidal for first month, even the second, but I am thankful to whoever is guarding us, and me that I did not kill myself. I am thankful for being alive, and being able to see the orange sky out of my window, every beautiful morning.