[melancholicheartbeat]

we get so caught up and swamped with every little thing around us that we forget to reminisce. to pause. to take in what we call, existing, as much as we could. how silly of us to think that we will always have all the time in the world to do it later. leaving footprints like rough drafts. too many “try to sleep as much as you could” left unsaid. too many foreheads and lagoon-deep collarbones left uncharted by lips.

living as if death promised that this isn’t the last stop.

30th of november, 2022.

[melancholicheartbeat]

i haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

[melancholicheartbeat]

i’m back. i guess.

[melancholicheartbeat]

hihintayin ko ang kanilang pagbabalik

marahang hahalikan ang dalampasigan

kukumutan ang aking mga binti ng may pananabik

[melancholicheartbeat]

[melancholicheartbeat]

[melancholicheartbeat]

[melancholicheartbeat]

[melancholicheartbeat]

[melancholicheartbeat]

my mouth is not forgetful. it’s hard to diagnose it with amnesia when it memorized the way my tongue and my teeth meet then rest on my lips when i say i love you.

“on saying i love you” excerpt from decathect

[melancholicheartbeat]

after preparing for almost 10 months, it only took a 6 minute performance to summarize the whole journey. surreal. still can’t find the right words to say just to describe how it all went down. competing in two divisions was the most challenging thing we’ve ever done and i must say, we freaking surpassed ourselves which is the main goal since the very beginning.

makin’ waves.

chasin’ one dream at a time.

[melancholicheartbeat]

If you're in a bad spot mentally i hope you feel better soon and may you always see the good in everything -y

i’m not really sure if i’m in a bad place mentally nor sure of being fine. all i know is that once i stop trying, everything will crumble.

anyway, i appreciate your kindness anon! i pray the universe treats you with tenderness.

[melancholicheartbeat]

hi. beautiful stranger. before i start, i want to thank you for wasting your time reading my writings on this blog. if one of my writings made you smile or made you even sadder, i’m still glad that my pieces did their job which is to make all of you feel something. i will try my best to outgrow myself in writing and to be a better version of myself everyday.

speaking of writing, here’s the good news. i’m proud to announce that i’m currently writing a chapbook called “decathect”. it’s a collection of prose, poems, and melancholy. i will publish this one on wattpad. i am not a good nor a famous writer to be able to literally publish a real book. so don’t expect too much. if you’re looking for happy thoughts, this chapbook may not be for you. but you can still read it anyway. it will be my honor. the weird thing about it is that all of my written pieces in the past suddenly met at one point and still made sense. simply put, this chapbook will speak about everything that is hurting.

this journey is scary. it’s not easy to write a collection. this may take months or even a year or two to finish the whole thing. this will hurt me mentally, physically, and emotionally. i don’t even know if someone will read it. i am taking a risk here. that’s why i’m going to do it for myself. i hope you will still be here, reading my metaphors until i finish it. i will probably need your support. i am praying that i will be able to commit myself into this completely and also to write while being real to myself.

before i finish this note, it would be really helpful for me if you are going to spread or share this page especially my writings. thank you so much. sending love and light.

- melancholic heartbeat

[melancholicheartbeat]

2 months and counting.  a constant loop of hating and criticizing myself for having a slow progress. 39 pieces. and most of the time, i ask myself why am i doing this. can you remind me again? so you see, this is the reality. this isn’t all about positive and sugarcoated bullshit. no filters. struggling and i wonder why do i still keep on writing.  

i think i’m in the phase of not having any purpose at all. it feels like i really don’t know where i’m going with this. why am i writing this? i’m lost and yet i don’t want to be found. but i thank those few people who asks about this book and telling me to publish the whole thing already. i appreciate y’all and your existence and appreciation.

if ever that i die before i can even finish and publish all of the pieces(because i really don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future weeks, months, or years), i wanna let you know that i’m sorry. i tried. know that my pieces will still live here.

[melancholicheartbeat]

[melancholicheartbeat]

2:24 ng tanghali // ika-4 ng pebrero, taong 2019

ibigin mo rin ang aking lumbay

ang aking balisa

ang aking marahan na pagguho

halikan mo rin ang aking mga lamat

biglaan siya kung bumisita

madalas ay nasa gitna ng pagtawa

iniipit sa ilalim ng mga yakap

kalakip ng bawat “mahal kita.”

[melancholicheartbeat]

balat

[melancholicheartbeat]

[melancholicheartbeat]

the journey of finding my own mark in this art form has been difficult since day one. a lot of times, i can’t stop comparing myself to everybody which is a bad habit i’ve learned along the way. also been blind to the progress and changes that transpired and really wanting to quit for the past 2 years but i think, life really happens while you’re busy doing other things.

i’ve never felt this comfortable in creating and maybe this is what home feels like.

song: space - madi sipes & the painted blue