Fury’s Hot Takes: Paul Phoenix
Okay - Tekken fangirls and fanboys ( or do the kids all say “boiz” now - whatever)… Let’s get right down to it.
Take a good hard look at the image below… Yeah - that one, right there. Nope - you’re not done - linger a few more seconds than you’re comfortable with.
Now ask yourself: “Is THAT that’s the best they can do?! Try as they might - no one can make this moron look cool or even mildly interesting.
We’re talking about Paul Phoenix and wondering aloud - is there ANYTHING about this star-spangled goof-ball that is even remotely appealing??
I could save you a lot of time and just say: “No.” But let’s break it down.
We can start with the elephant in the room and just go straight to the hair. I don’t know exactly how much “product” this douche uses to make it stand up like that, but it has to be on par with everyone’s favorite fancy lad, Lars.
All I know is that if you needed to defeat Paul Phoenix in battle fast - just flick a match into that mess on the top of his head and it’ll go up like a fuckin’ roman candle. And when it does it, would literally be visible from the international space station.
But it’s the contrast that makes it so perfect - lemme explain what I mean kids. When you look at Paul - he has this sullen and slightly confused expression, permanently fixed to his doughy face. But his hair stands straight up in cartoon-ish alarm. Like he was on an episode of Scooby-fuckin’- doo and saw a ghost.
So combine the glum and confused mug - with the standing straight up doo and you got Paul shuffling around in a perpetual state of what looks like “dull surprise.” Which - is kinda accurate.
Dull surprise… our boy’s one size fits all emotion for every occasion.
While I’m sure you all know plenty about ME(Bryan Fury - you know the guy that’s writing all this!) - you’ll also know I go back a few years. That’s a nice way of saying I’m OLD. I remember some of the early renderings of Paul from back in the 80s and 90s.
Back then, his “people” were trying to play him off as some kind of punk rock dude. He was a lot skinnier and still looked like a dork - that is his most timeless quality - but at least handlers were trying to do something with him.
Now - they’ve beefed him up and stuck a beard on him and drapped flags all over his ass, until he’s he’s just a star-spangled freakin’ mess. Maybe they’re hoping he can do a guest spot as a celebrity announcer at some monster truck rally in Saskatoon.
He really should be working on his fighting style because - news flash - that sucks too.
[Get used to this kind of thing happening a lot Paul…]
Okay - I’ll give him this much credit - Paul Phoenix has this spiffy little fire-punch thing he does. But it takes him so damn long wind that shit up, that he gets clobbered before he can deliver the goods. He’d probably be really good at interrogating some poor slob that’s tied to a chair - but in a straight up fight - TOO SLOW.
Maybe he could wipe the floor with Xio’s disturbing as fuck - pet panda (more on that pervy-ass thing in another post) or Lili’s dainty, old as the hills butler - what’sisname… But even then - that old dude’s still breathing - sooo, it’s really anybody’s guess who would win that snooze-fest of a battle.
[Actual picture of Paul trying to think - it’s kind of unsettling when he does that…]
Finally, I shall (mercifully) end this entry with a quick comment about Paul’s mental capacity. In short - I think he’s been hit in the head WAY too much to be effective.
I’ve got a brown recluse spider that lives above my sink (her name’s Rosie and she’s beautiful) but the point is - Rosie can problem solve and and apply tactics much more rapidly and effectively than Paul could ever hope to achieve.
He just barely fulfills the requirements for basic, linear thought.
Case in point - at the last Tekken tournament, I ran into him in the ready room.
Phoenix was focused like a laser on his phone. He was wagglin’ his big eraser shaped head - scowlin’ and mutterin’ away. I watched as he jabbed his big stubby fingers on the screen, and swiped at shit. Then he inexplicably held it flat in the palm of his hand and held it over his head for a moment… just sort of… waiting. Of course, nothing happened. Then he’d shake his head and start jabbin’ and swipin again.
After watching this sad little scene for a few minutes, I finally thought I’d help the the poor slob (Hey - I’m not ALL bad). So, I went over and asked him what the fuck he was doing.
Turned out this genius wanted to get some aerial pics of the tournament and was putting his phone into (I shit you not) “airplane mode” so it would… fly.
Classic Paul - you can’t make this kind of crap up.
I considered humanely euthanizing him right then and there - but instead - I patted him on the shoulder and told him he was real close and to keep trying then, just walked away.
So that’s the hot take on Phoenix. When you see me beating his ass in the tournament - don’t feel too bad. He doesn’t really feel it - his nervous system isn’t advanced enough.
Bryan Fury here - I was horrified and deeply insulted to see this old post got no reactions. So I’m re-blogging it. Either it was buried in a flurry of other posts - or - there are WAY more Paul Phoenix fans out there than I expected. I’m puttin’ my money on “post flurry.” Now back to beatin’ up people...