bry

4 years is far too long to wait for someone to love you

[bryfisherr]

they said it gets better, well some days it does

it gets better

and one day before you even realize that you’ve begun healing 

one day you don’t even hate that boy for leaving you to do it alone

your just glad he gave you everything that is now yours

one day you grow up and you never even realized that all those months you just felt pain you were actually getting stronger than you have ever been 

you keep waking up and you don’t do it for you anymore 

you wake up and you can’t think about how much you don’t want to because you don’t have that choice

you wake up because if you don’t wake up she doesn’t wake up and that’s not an option 

it’s no longer a matter of if you want to live it’s a fact that you have to 

so you don’t get to focus on the misery you don’t get to focus on the pain you no longer have the luxury of falling apart

so you keep getting up and you keep getting better and you don’t even realize it because it’s no longer a choice you have to make

one day you’re all healed and you still have nightmares about the loneliness and you still have flashbacks of the promises he didn’t keep 

but it’s no longer the end of the world 

because the world kept spinning every single time you thought it should have stopped and 

you realize that if you lived through it, you will live through whatever comes next

-b.f.

[perfectquote]

“I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.”

— Meredith Grey

[bryfisherr]

and in just a few months, I am going to have this perfect little person. and it's all going to be worth it, when I see your tiny glowing face. and oh how he will miss out, on such an incredible miracle, I hope he regrets every day of his life that he doesn't get to spend with you. because it's not about my life or his anymore, this is all about you now. and there are going to be so many things that I am going to have to miss out on, but I wont remember any of them once I get to hold you. and he doesn't see it, but he doesn't have to, you are already so loved. I promise you that your never going to miss out on anything. so so many people are so ready to love you even though he's not. I promise there are going to be people who will fill the holes in your heart where your fathers love was supposed to be; and I promise that it will hurt him so badly one day that he chose to miss out on YOU. I promise you, this is his loss

my April baby 

[bryfisherr]

August is a month of tears. with her hot humid air and raging bursts of thunder; in August the people that you love leave, in August the heat is suffocating. it's a dreary month of sorrow. we begin to get restless, everything begins to hurt; last August i met a boy and he lit up the sky in my eyes this August i can't stand to hear his name.  oh, August wont you hold back on heartache this year?

bry fisher // August 

[bryfisherr]

i will not let you raise this child in ruin. i was raised by a narcissist and you're crazy if you think i will let my baby grow up thinking thats what love looks like. i wont let her watch you yell. i wont let her watch me cry. i will not let brokenness be the first thing she knows. i wont let you say ' im sorry ' a hundred thousand times because i will not teach her to be forgiving like i was.

august 19 2021

[wisp-of-thought]

Which is to say I fell out of love with you to save myself. In an act of self-preservation. To keep loving you would have killed me. So I stopped. And I think this is why you were the person out of all the persons I've ever loved that I got to keep in my life even after. Because loving you was growing up. Was realizing just because you can't have the entire good thing doesn't mean you have to deny yourself the piece offered. That a slice of lovely doesn't have to be the end of you. Was learning to make do with what I was given with a smile and a thank you. Was learning to be grateful. Because we don't always get to have what we want. And we can't keep throwing tantrums by having panic attacks in the bathroom over accidental glances and unintentionally broken promises.

Loving you was growing up. Was realizing some people are nice to everybody. They have a talent for making people feel wanted, but this does not mean that they want you, and that is okay. That is okay. Their kindness is not their fault. Loving you was growing up. Was realizing people are busy. People's lives don't stop because you have chosen this inopportune time to become madly infatuated with them. They don't text you back. They don't love you back. They don't think about you. They forget to ask about your day. They say things that hurt even when that wasn't what they meant to do. And you grow up. You brush it off. You realize this is not a reflection of your self worth. You stop expecting people to fulfill what you dreamed them up to be. You let them just be them. And you learn to let this be enough.

Because loving you was growing up. To keep loving you would have killed me, and I realized for the first time how childish it was to disintegrate into a hurricane of self-destruction when rejection was so softly gifted. To ache until I tore like it would change anything. And I suppose growing up doesn't have to mean wanting to live, but it at least meant trying. Which is to say I fell out of love with you to save myself. In an act of self-preservation. To keep loving you would have killed me. So I stopped. Which is an oversimplification of the process of withdrawal but I did. I fell out of love with you. And I am better for it.

~ #4: reflections on falling out of unrequited love with him

(Original excerpt removed from '#3: reflections on falling out of unrequited love with him')

[angelouvre]

by tashfox.designs

[bryfisherr]

so being lonely isn’t so bad

how else do you find out who you wanted to be, rather than who everyone else expected you to be

raising a child without a father does not make for a weak child, but it does make for an incredibly strong mother

and i keep telling them that i am so so tired of being strong

i was never supposed to carry the weight of the world on my own. it wasn’t fair. but hardly anything is

im just so tired of them saying im crazy! how can they not see what i see? it all makes so much sense and they all keep telling me it doesn’t. 

now imagine why i slammed my fists into the doors and the windows and the walls

imagine why my father had to pick me up off of the hardwood floor when i couldn’t stop screaming

imagine how bad it must hurt to be completely alone, and begging for help, and they all just keep telling you your being dramatic. 

-b.f.

[bryfisherr]

my teenage years in a paragraph

you were 14 and they were begging you to save the world but you kept telling them it was too heavy then you turned 15 and someone touched you without your consent but you weren’t even sure what that meant yet when you turned 16 you gave that boy every piece of you that was left 17 was when the drinking got out of hand because what else do you do when the sun hasn’t come out in years and then at 18 it looked like things could get better but you forgot to tell him that somewhere along the way you forgot how to love anything that didn’t hurt finally you turned 19 and the drugs took over your life after you met a pisces boy with green eyes i am almost 20 now and i am carrying the weight of the world in my stomach but i don’t think he will ever admit that this is his weight to carry too.

-b.f.// 

[bryfisherr]

what growing up sounds like

I was somebody that everybody knew

I was the girl that never missed a party

I knew every bouncer and every bartender and I could get into any VIP section that I wanted and get all of my friends in too

and you think your gonna miss out on everything, there were so many things that you were going to do

Everyone says your life is over, they say you don’t have to do it if you don’t want too

and you think about everything you might have wanted; and everything you might have lost

but you go to the first appointment and you hear that baby’s heartbeat inside of your own stomach

and all of the sudden the lights and the music, the parties and the people, none of it ever mattered

all of the sudden nothing else matters ever again. 

-b.f. // baby bean

[bryfisherr]

teenage tragedy

because there was this boy 

and i was barely 18

but his eyes were light green and he stole my heart from the second i saw him standing at muddys

and i don’t know why he wont leave me alone now or why i chose him over everyone else i had ever met

but i know it wont go away and i know i see the stars in his eyes and i know that the world could crumble to dust right under me and i wouldn’t stop looking at him even for a second

-b.f.

[blogofanangel]

i absolutely refuse to accept the bare minimum i’m too smart and too pretty to be treated like an option

[blogofanangel]

never worried about anything because everything works in my favor ✩︎

[bryfisherr]

2:13 am//2019

when did we become reckless? popping pills and kissing strangers when did we become dangerous? drinking way past our limits and just getting in anyones car when did we become so lost? stumbling our way through highschool, forgetting how to feel anything but dizzy how did we become this stupid? don't they know STDs spread like a common cold, and smoking that much turns your lungs black? why doesn't anyone care? why is our only intention to forget everything? how did you raise a generation so full of heartache? why are we all in so much pain? and why are we all killing ourselves just to get away from it?

-b.f. // when i was in highschool

[blogofanangel]

pretty girls get whatever they want and i am the perfect example of that

[putrid-pink]

[mae0x]

name two things better than self isolation and the refusal to face reality