The Quirky Brunette @bseverson - Tumblr Blog

How do you find God in hard times?

The Psalmist David cried out to God,” My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, I find no rest .” (Psalm 22:1-2 NIV).

Pretty intense way to cry out to God, but if we’re really honest how many of us have cried out in similar ways?

What happened when life gets too hard? You study for a test and you don’t pass? You befriend someone, build a relationship and find out it was all fake? What happens when you lose the one person you’d seek for advice? What happens when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from? What happens when you’re sick, you can’t work and can’t pay bills? What happens when life just gets too heavy, you cry out for help and you don’t hear anything?

I saw this video that emphasizes the promises of God and that’s how we hear him, through his word and promises. Romans 8:37-39 promises we cannot go anywhere where God is not already there. “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us, For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (NIV).

God sent his son to die for the world’s sin, but Jesus is Gods new covenant. In his new covenant again to emphasize nothing can separate us from his love he promises to never leave. Hebrews (sort of hall of fame of faith in the Bible) in chapter 13 vs 5,” keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,” Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

In the Old Testament his chosen people consistently forgot of his marvelous miracles. They literally were led out of Egypt, the Red Sea was split and they had food falling from the sky. Perhaps miracles aren’t physically falling from the sky, but maybe it’s the person in your life who’ll drop off a meal for your family. In a time of need we had friends rent a U-Haul so we could move. People who offer to watch your kids for free just so you can get out of the house. A friend who’ll take a day off to take you to treatment and stay with you as long as you need them. Miracles can be every size, but God is truly with us every step. He is still faithful and he’s the same he was yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is good, he is faithful and sometimes we just need to turn down the noise in our lives to hear him. Throughout scripture he isn’t this big booming voice, but more of a gentle whisper or nudge and if you’re not careful you’ll miss it.

So, how do we find God when life gets hard? Keep seeking him and you will find him. Read his word, listen to worship music or see him in nature- he’s always with you. Promise he will not abandon you.

Getting myself back

Throughout the last three and a half ish decades I’ve gone through my share of different seasons. If you know me well you’ll know my childhood wasn’t the easiest for me for years emotionally and mentally. College, marriage plus kids and more than a few moves here and there.

I often emphasize that a particular season where we had moved away from everyone and everything we knew was hard. It was hard on every level but it’s not to say it didn’t grow us either. But in that time was the first time I questioned if I really liked things because I actually liked them or wanted to obtain an image.

Moving back I did get back into certain things like baking but even that has gone in ebbs and flow with life. While I get people change in life and grow out of things it’s more than that.

Losing my grandma last summer (2022) was one of the hardest things. Talk about losing a piece of yourself when the person who had the biggest impact leaves. The first holidays without her was hard and I didn’t function well in wanting to do much. It was also a time that I was in physical pain from my hips being out of place.

Grief is sometimes like a fog and you don’t realize it’s there maybe right away. But over a year later I’ve fought hard to get pieces of myself back. Getting back into running has been one, focusing on friendships and family and faith. While with kids it often seems like we’re running around with our heads cut off. We also have dived into helping with Girl Scouts, youth group and other community activities.

This year heading into towards Thanksgiving I feel like I’ve gotten a piece of myself back as I want to watch and enjoy Hallmark movies. As the colder weather teases us I’m excited for cooler dare I say snowy days because I love baking on cold days. (Help warm up the house and make it smell good).

I’ve tried new things and maybe have tweaked them to fit life better now. But for the first time in a long time I’m excited to enjoy things I use to without sadness. I know everyone grieves differently and there’s no right or wrong way. There are days where it does hurt more than others but I feel like it’s not taking away who I am anymore.

The cost of ministry… from a spouse’s perspective. “Then Jesus said to his disciples,” Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” (NIV) Matthew 16:24 A commandment that is given to all believers to live out. However, when I met a young man, fell in love and said, “ I do.” I didn’t know it’d be more like our life motto. My husband volunteered in ministry in years before it was his full time gig. One of the hardest things I’ve struggled with him being in ministry is sharing him. So many late nights as he’s led different groups, went to conferences or mission trips or camps. It’s not a normal 8-5 Monday thru Friday job.. and it definitely follows him home. Over, the years I’ve done my best to come alongside him helping with youth groups or helping with slides, singing in front or helping host groups in our home. Some of the biggest challenges we’ve faced have been feeling called to leave a community, feeling pushed out and then stepping out in faith. We moved our family to be part of a church plant and it was away from everyone and everything we’d ever known. There was no guarantee it’d be work out, but we boldly stepped out in faith blindly. Honestly, I’ve said it before it was one of the hardest years of our lives. We really had to rely on God and each other. Our foundation in so many ways was shaken to the core. We had moments where we didn’t know how we’d survive, take care our kids and pay our bills. In every moment of literally crying out to the Lord He showed up and provided for us. Fast forward he provided a way home. Having a door open to bring us home brought a lot of unexpected pain and hurt. In a short time we had a lot of heartache and loss, but ministry still calls. In the following days of my husband facing a heartache he still led worship. It was the most authentic, he held nothing back and literally laid everything down before God and it was so beautiful to witness that. (Now it’s not to say he didn’t have time to grieve he did). The last year as I navigated through my own grief I questioned if God could use a hot mess like me. Spoiler the answer was yes as I stepped up to fill a role in helping with confirmation class. Ministry isn’t easy, it’s not always pretty and it‘s downright hard, challenging and not always for everyone. The past fourteen years of marriage I’ve had to navigate for myself what it means to have my spouse in ministry. I’ve struggled with not having a lot of time with him, moving our family and what does it mean to include our family in ministry? It’s not easy to devote not only yourself but your family in an ongoing, ever changing way of life. But how we parent, love our kids that’s our most important ministry. How we volunteer and come alongside our community is our ministry. It’s not an easy life style, but I don’t know that I would choose anything else.

#ministrylife

Forgiveness is a heavy topic, because it’s something as believers we’re called to do. It’s not an easy step to take, but there’s multiple verses instructing us to. In Ephesians 4:32 (NIV), “ Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

That verse alone is quite the reality check and lays down a pretty firm foundation. I for one have said,” but this _____ happened to me and how could I forgive ____?” In all honesty I’ve found it irritating when given such a church answer. However, the reality is, the truth is despite our life situations doesn’t change the fact that Christ died for us and is with us every step everyday.

Life’s biggest challenges of someone choosing to not be in your life, someone lying to you and breaking trust or a betrayal, etc. The thing about forgiveness isn’t to let them off the hook for what they did. It’s to release you from the power they had over you. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you can’t set a boundary for them to stay out of your life.

Christ paid the ultimate price of dying on a cross for the worlds sins. So while we go thru the ups and downs of life He’s with us every step guiding us, protecting us and loving us. We can find freedom in Him that this world can’t touch. I’d say to forgive someone doesn’t mean they win, you do in Christ.

I’ve found my own peace and healing in forgiving someone who caused great pain. I don’t know that I told them and that’s okay, because I did what I had to do to protect myself and my family. Also, in the last few years I’ve really invested in my own mental health. Every couple weeks I talk to a therapist, because I will not let past hurts win one more day.

Know you are worth it and that thru Christ you can have the power to forgive. Release “it” from your life and don’t let the enemy, the Father of lies, win any victories over you. Find the freedom and peace your soul yearns for in Christ Jesus.

Ever have a day or week that you seem to get into a slump? The last Saturday of September was my grandpa’s birthday. He passed away a few years ago so the day and the following days brought mixed emotions. Then it turned into little things piling up one after the other. It was hard to keep up a positive outlook and perspective, I just felt down.

So as I’ve done many times the last eight months I went for a run to clear my head. While I was running I had the scripture from Paul to the church of Corinth pop into my head.

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets a prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last forever. Therefore, I do not run like someone running aimlessly;” 1 Corinthians 9:24-26 (NIV).

It put into perspective for me a heart check - what race am I running? A race to please man / the world with success of how well I’m doing? And when I have hard moments of feeling like I can’t keep up and feelings of failure pop up. Am I focused on running the race to please the Lord? “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 (NIV).

There are so many distractions in the world that pull us in different directions. A verse I often cling to is, “ Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23. From the moment I open my eyes to when I close them I pray may my feet be planted in your truth O Lord.

As a runner I strive to be better to improve my pace, listen to my body when it needs rest and to nourish my body to keep in running shape. I don’t have time to focus on how someone else is doing while running. My focus is inward and in life’s race my mind, body and soul need to be focused on things not of this Earth.

Comparatively, when I started running months ago I wasn’t very fast at all. I’ve slowly built up strength and endurance to further distances. Some in our faith, as we run the race of life, we’ll have different hurdles to overcome. Take a moment though and look back to see how far you’ve really come you might be surprised.

There’s that Phil Collins song,”You can’t hurry love.” The chorus goes… “My mama said, "you can't hurry love No, you'll just have to wait" She said, "love don't come easy Well it's a game of give and take" You can't hurry love No, you'll just have to wait Just trust in the good time No matter how long it takes” This August will be our 13th wedding anniversary and everyday I’m still learning about this crazy thing called marriage. Like this lyrics say,” it’s a game of give and take”. I remember how hard that first year of marriage was learning to live with someone else and learning to communicate. Still learning how to communicate to my spouse and show that I’m hearing what they say. For example, in the past it’s bothered me a bit that my spouse takes naps after 3:00 pm. Probably not a big deal to anyone else, but growing up and into adulthood.. my grandma always said to not take naps after 3- you’ll have a hard time falling asleep later. However, sometimes it’s nice when he does get those naps in and then when I’m exhausted and need a restful evening to myself then he can step up. Now with our three kids at this stage in life and summer upon us everyone seems to be going their own direction. Lately, it seems like our older kids are constantly outside (which I’m 100% fine with less screen time), but it makes family meal times a little challenging. They’re old enough to either just come home when they are hungry, make something and run out the door. Or I’ll make something easy & yell down the alley way for them to come home just for them to run off afterwards. My husbands schedule is just as busy as he joined a band and has a busy weekend schedule with his job. So when it seems like everyone’s running in all directions it’s easy to sit down and just make food for myself and Baby M. Thinking of their needs and putting my family’s needs first is something I forget but need a nudge to be reminded that they count on me (the mom) to help provide a meal. Making something quick and just saying ,” hey lunch or dinner is ready” and enjoy some time together before rushing off to the next thing. Balancing each other needs- like I said above that when one of us is tired and just need a rest/ break the other one is always ready to step up and take over. In sickness and in health- mental health days or physically exhausting days it’s important to be able to balance out those days for your spouse/ significant other and vice versa. Don’t get me wrong it’s very easy to see only what you do, how much you do and create a blind eye to how much your spouse does. Making sure you vocally tell them and show appreciate plus respect for how much they do carry daily. Communicate together and help each other take things off each other’s plates. So as I started out love is a game of give and take. Thirteen years into this marriage thing definitely not close to being an expert, but always open to learning and growing with the person I’m committed to taking this crazy thing called life with together.

Grieving bedtime.

It may sound silly to say or to hear, but after mentally & emotionally exhausting weeks of trying to prepare to sleep train our last baby. After some sickness and a mental health day feeling like it was crashing down on me. I reached out to my therapist about the struggles I was having adjusting to the idea of our baby sleeping in her own room, in her own crib.

While with our other two girls it was so different. Our oldest I remember I never wanted a toddler bed, because I think they’re dumb. (Sorry) From the get go she was my champion sleeper. I do also remember her first night in her crib I wanted to sleep in her room. It was hard because all the what ifs start and don’t stop.

Our middle daughter has kind of always been a pistol when it comes to bedtime. She just didn’t sleep as nicely and easily as her older sister. But both girls around the age of 4 months went to sleep in their own crib. Granted during those times their rooms were right next to ours. Also very big deal that with our second daughter we got a camera baby monitor.

Moving forward a little bit our second daughter during her toddler years particularly around 2-3 were terrible. We’re from South Dakota, my husband born & raised here, but in a chapter of our lives decided to move to Indiana. While that chapter was a year it was me getting up numerous times in the night with our 2nd daughter. Really just meant I was sleeping more in her bed than my own.

Then when we moved back for about a year we co~slept. Finally landing a house her and her sister at the ripe ages of 7 & 5 , I think, got their own beds & they continued to share a room.

However, bedtime was still a big deal. I would snuggle our youngest (2nd daughter) almost every night until she fell asleep or I would and wake up a couple hours later. Holding her hand and being next to her and being close to her sister made them feel safe.

Fast forward a couple years and I got pregnant with their sister. Baby M. Well by the time I was ready to have baby M I couldn’t really lay down with our 2nd daughter. I’d cry and say I’d still want to do bedtime after baby was born it was so important to me.

But life changes after a baby. I tried to keep our fun bedtime routine up, because I didn’t want things to change so fast.

A year later I’ve finished up breastfeeding Baby M. For more than a few months I had pushed off having her sleep in her room, because it’s all the way upstairs. I didn’t want to be running up and down the stairs in the middle of the night. Plus every time I tried to get her sleep trained in her pack n play.. she’d start teething, one of us would get sick, etc.

Now at a year old I knew I couldn’t push it off anymore. My husband one day, bless his heart, brought up that after a certain date he’d do it. He’d stay up in our guest room and he’d do whatever it took to get her to sleep in her crib. First of all, I know he meant well, but I felt attacked and I felt rushed. Secondly, I knew he was just trying to help, but it also felt like he was butting into my relationship with our baby.

So I said I’d just do it. The first night I slept in the guest room right next to her and she did fine. The next night and the next she seemed ok to be in her room and crib by herself. Then it hit me like a bus… she fell asleep on the side of the crib where I’d sit in my recliner. She’d fall asleep after knowing I was there, touching my hand and trusting momma is right there for her.

My heart broke because I felt like I was betraying the trust of our baby. Sounds weird to “ say aloud” but I’m bearing my heart and soul here.. it just wrecked me. For hours. For a couple days. Again reached out to my therapist because it was hard!!!

It’s also that I haven’t been able to do bedtime with my other girls. I feel like I’m losing on all bedtimes not just the baby but all my girls. It’d be nice to have the baby fall asleep early so I could do bedtime with her sisters, but that’s just a dream.

So to go back to my title grieving bedtime I guess at the heart of it. It’s just been hard because it’s our last baby and she’s ready to be rolling around in her own space. But also because I’ve felt like I’ve lost out on that time with my other girls.

Changes are hard enough when you can’t control them, but when your kids grow up and you want to cherish every moment as much as possible. It’s amazing to watch them grow up but it’s sad too because you only get so much time for each phase they’re in. They’re only little once.

Serving others

In the gospel of John chapter 13 verses 1-17 hours before Jesus dies on the cross he has the last supper with his disciples. He gets down on his knees and washes his disciples feet. And scripture then says —Jesus talking..“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.” John‬ ‭13:14-16‬ ‭NIV‬

Now as terrible as it may sound I’ll admit I’m not always the first one to jump up and volunteer. In fact, if you asked my husband I am a sigher and anytime he asks me to do something I sigh and say ok.

Now whether in person or social media this last week it was admittedly harder than I would have wanted it to be. My husband got sick (again) and so for more than a few days I was the sole caretaker of our three girls. Any parents, married or single, knows it’s hard being the one taking care of everyone else plus yourself. Struggle bus party of one.

And I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ve struggled with my role in the family. I’ve tried to tell myself Im serving them by doing things around the house but it’s a struggle to keep that mindset. But in a moment God brought my attention to the scripture of Jesus washing feet. While I didn’t physically get on my knees to wash anyone’s feet. I did physically put the needs of others before my own to serve and to love my family.

I served my family by being the kids chauffeur, washing dishes and making meals and doing bedtime. Picking up medicines and running other errands. Putting pillow cases in the freezer so they were nice and cool and filling up the humidifier plus staying up on laundry. Dropping off and picking up from the club, daycare, gymnastics plus vbs…My way of “washing” their feet.

It wasn’t an easy week but I knew it was temporary. And I definitely have found a new appreciation for my husband who normally runs the kids around to gymnastics, to the boys and girls club and to appointments. Rearranging how I took on each day may have added a little more than I had wanted, but being a servant to those who mean to most to me was worth it.

In what ways are you serving those around you? How are you using your gifts to “wash” the feet of others? And I pray whoever reads this til the end that you know if you’re facing a hard time it’s only temporary. It won’t last forever.

A mid-week devotional for those on go. Living in the fast lane of life- where it just seems to never stop.

“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better,and it will not be taken away from her.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭10:38-42‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Recently, I was at a luncheon and a friend made a comment about his wife. He said she “likes” to put all this pressure on herself to do a certain task and then when it doesn’t go according to plan then she gets upset and blames everyone else around her. Immediately in my own brain I thought isn’t that every wife? Why do moms especially put so much pressure on themselves to have everything be “perfect”?

But seriously how many parents can relate more to Martha? We had a baby back in April and I ran around like a chicken with their head cut off trying to prep as much as I could before baby. Meal planning, who was going to watch our older girls, and packing the girls lunches. Writing extra lunch notes so I wouldn’t have to worry about it later. Trying to have it altogether as much as possible because shifting from two kids to three seemed very daunting trying to keep up with them.

So often I hear parents talking about how many activities their kids are in and how much traveling is involved. It’s not to say these parents are complaining, because their child has an interest and they’re investing in that. Nothing wrong with that- we do the same thing!! From daycare, to appointments and pick ups & drops off plus running to work- life gets busy.

Whether you’re single or married everyone’s busy, we’re all running around filling our days with things we think are important. But how do we slow down and be more like Mary - come to the feet of Jesus and just listen.

With a baby my devotional time is during late night feedings. Before I’d make time after my morning workout before everyone else got up and if my kids got up - I’d simply say,” can you please be quiet? I’m reading my Bible.” Sometimes I’d invite them over to tell them what I was reading.

Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting to plan and prep. Type A personality over here I enjoy greatly planning and organizing and prepping. Although if you came over to my house you might not be able to tell, but I did mention I have a baby ?

The point is Martha let her focus on what she thought was important be just that. More important than focusing on Christ and what she had to learn from him. Don’t let the worries of to-dos take your focus off what’s eternally more important - your relationship with Christ. How is he challenging you? How are you growing in your walk?

Dear Heavenly Father,

I want to lift up those who are so busy day in and day out. Those who seem like they’re stuck in a mundane routine. Those who are so busy running their kids around to their activities. For those who seem like they just can’t catch their breathe. I pray for a renewal for their spirit. A refreshing breath of fresh air that only you Lord can bring. Bring peace in know Lord Jesus you are in control and I pray even as busy as people are that they still find time to dive into your word. Through a Christian podcast, through listening to a devotional on the way to work or cleaning dishes— Lord Jesus I pray those who need to hear your word and know you are there for them that their ears and hearts are open. In your holy name, Amen ♥️

Cancelling debt

Now as financially debt free goal oriented as I am this has nothing to do with money whatsoever. For the lenten season I joined a bible study that my husband actually is leading and it’s “Enemies of the Heart by Andy Stanley”. The are four enemies of the heart: Guilt, Anger, Greed and Jealously. So far in the study we have read guilt, anger and currently working on reading the guilt chapters.

In the anger chapters the hardest hitting question Andy Stanley asks is, “ How long are you going to allow people you don’t even like---people who are no longer in your life, maybe even people who aren’t even alive anymore--to control your life? How long?” (page 63 Enemies of the Heart) It’s not to say your pain, your hurt, your story isn’t real, but how long go you plan on carrying a debt that someone else cannot repay (essentially). He does tap into subject of people basically playing the victim, because somebody somewhere OWES you! They don’t want to let it go-they go around and tell their stories whenever, wherever, because they know people will feel bad and feel sorry for them. Feeding into them never really wanting or willing to let go of that pain, that hurt so it continues to control them. But in reading his book I love the point where he says gets a calendar out and mark a date that your anger will no longer control you, that you will no longer allow it to be apart of your future-How long will you allow it to control you? How long are you going to carry it around and what’s the purpose of carrying it around for so long?

He used an example of a parent leaving the home and that was the example I that was apart of my story. For years, and years I carried this pain and hurt from a parent choosing to leave, but eventually I had to let it go. There was no more point in carrying it anymore and the weight lifted off my shoulders was amazing. The second most hard hitting point Andy makes in the anger chapters was, “ If you’re a Christian, you aren’t expected to treat others the way you’ve been treated by others; you’ve been called to treat people the way you’ve been treated by your Father in heaven.” (page 130 Enemies of the Heart). Re-read that last part again. Ouch-right? Heart, gut wrenching check right there! In recent times, everyone’s opinion about everything and everyone getting offended by everything-its exhausting, but as a believer our standard of life is a higher one to live up to. Our words and actions must reflect that of what’s in our hearts-the main point of the whole book really is to guard your heart, because all things come from our hearts. All the “enemies of the heart” come for our hearts. If we claim to follow Christ, his word should be in hearts-they should come out in our words and actions no matter what or how someone treats us. Stand firm in what the Lord’s word says.

He furthers goes along with steps to slay our anger (pages 131-135)

1) Identify who you’re angry with- He talks about being so mad and so angry that we carry it from season to season and we really lose track of who and why we’re angry in the first place. Honestly, been there and done that-where in one season you experience so much hurt, distrust, etc and ended up carrying for awhile without even realizing it. Carrying a debt that probably won’t even get repaid back, focusing on anger issues that it’s in the past and those people who caused the hurt aren’t even apart of my daily life anymore-so why hold on to it? Good question with this step (page 132), “Who do you hope to never see again? Who do you find yourself having imaginary conversations with?” We all have someone who pops in our head after reading that one-am I right?

2) Determine what they owe you-Oh this was so good. I never thought about this one before. “You know what the person who hurt you did, but what exactly did they take?” Some people make a list maybe the burn that list, maybe they rip it to shreds, but the point is those people work on letting the “debt” go.

3) Cancel the debt. “After identifying exactly what was taken, you must cancel the debt. That means deciding that the offending party doesn’t owe you anything anymore.” In an earlier chapter the parable of the King who forgives his servants debt, but then that servant doesn’t forgive another servants debt is used. The overall story is to show us that God cancelled our debts by sending Christ to die for our sins so why can’t we then in turn forgive the debts of others. This one is the hardest one I think to swallow, because so many people think and see that in forgiving someone else that it lets them off the hook. It means what they did to you was fine--that isn’t the case. Earlier in this post I even mention that in forgiving someone who had deeply hurt me-it released me! It lifted this weight of the control of the pain and hurt caused by someone else because I stopped carrying it. I stopped letting it control me. I stopped letting it be apart of my feel sorry for me story. It’s not about that anymore-its about the strength to move on. I’m not saying that past hurts, pains aren’t real for people and their stories don’t mean anything-that’s not what I’m saying. I would say that with proper resources like seeking out therapy, counseling it is possible to move forward and leave that pain behind-it doesn’t own you, it doesn’t need to control you and you are stronger than you think! I recently heard on a podcast letting go of insecurities or past hurts doesn’t mean you lose apart of who you are-its you gaining apart of who you were created to be.

4) Dismiss the case. “Your memories are not your enemies. Memories are simply memories. What you do with them will determine their impact. Truly forgiving doesn’t always entail truly forgetting.”

Again, these anger chapters were very challenging to read, to accept the words and the challenges along the way of focusing how much anger or pain and hurt are really stored in the heart. How much it effects daily life. It isn’t always so easy to pin point where the source of so much hurt and pain comes from. I have said before how much therapy has helped me-the layers peeled back and exposing past hurts and why I do things the way I do. Its been very healing and rewarding to dig into the past and present to get more answers.

But really ask yourself How long do you plan on carrying past pains? past hurts? How long do you plan on letting it control you? Think of your potential in letting it go and becoming a stronger, more confident person you were created to be living a more peaceful life.

Good grief.

In the last few years I have learned that there are so many different ways to grieve. From the loss of someone you love, the loss of a friendship or grieving the change from stage of life to the next. There’s no one size fits all when it comes to the grieving process.

When our little family had moved from everything we knew and loved to a new state it was weird to say I was grieving that move. Grieving leaving everyone and everything that was ever known to us. Not being back home when family would have get togethers and we were hours away. The hardest one that still stings is when my grandpa had his 80th birthday party and I wasn’t there. It still hurts so much,because now he’s passed and that was one of the last times he was really healthy. Oh the “what I wouldn’t give to go back in time...” to just say I’m coming back and give him a big hug.

Over the years I have known my husband unfortunately he has lost both parents. The last two-three years I have lost my “mother” and my grandpa, as mentioned before and the grief for both have been so different. When my “mother” passed it was a grieving of a lost relationship that never happened. She wasn’t apart of my life and for what I had thought were good reasons for protecting myself and my family. The loss of never having another chance to open that door it was a strange process, but one that was needed.

For those who have had a miscarriage your posts, your voice, and your story are being heard. I cannot imagine that kind of pain and sorrow in hoping and dreaming of growing your family and then in an instance it’s lost. That part of your heart and soul that is lost- doesn’t go away, but somehow you find the strength and courage to keep moving forward and be the courageous woman you’ve always been and continue to be. Or perhaps on the other side, for those who are told they can’t get pregnant and those who go through a long process trying to make that happen..the heaviness that gets carried with that. Everyone has a story of grief, of hopelessness and the size of that doesn’t change the importance of it-especially to the one going through it.

With my own pregnancy this time it’s been harder to perhaps find those joyous moments sometimes. In ways I have windows where I think I can understand my spouse’s pain in not having that special person here. Where again you’d give anything for them to be here and to share in our joy of hey we’re having another baby- another baby I know you’d love, you’d cherish and would watch grow up. The hurt that they weren’t here for any of our kids, or our kids only got to know them for a little bit . It’s a rollercoaster that there’ll be good days and some days the smallest thing will remind you of them and tears just start rolling down. An example, I got my haircut not that long ago and it surprised me how much it brought up memories of my grandpa always joking he’d take my hair that got cut-so he could make a wig. How many emotions came roaring up or you catch the smell of something that person liked and it reminds you of them. Maybe their favorite song comes on the radio, or a movie you’d watch with them comes on and it’s not bad memories, just a reminder that they’re gone and it hurts a little.

The pain of covid distancing families and friends so in times of wanting to be more together-there’s been a year of restrictions and fears. Grieving the distance and in some cases lost relationships, because social distancing has put a hindrance on life. The grief of just how much life has changed and the fight to wanting to get some normalcy back and the ups and downs in trying to make any progress.

The grief you may carry, the way it affects you again there’s no one size fits all. Some people take longer than others to process their loss of a loved one, the lost of someone not being their friend anymore or whatever it is. There is no this is how you grieve steps 1,2,3 -if you see someone going through a tough time-just listen. Just be there. You don’t need any answers just ears to listen.

Stop making excuses for A-holes

I don’t know why but it seems to me that in today’s culture and society (and it has for awhile) that it’s impolite for one to stand up for themselves. Between 2020-2021 so far anyways- sharing one’s negative opinions has skyrocketed. From topics to politics, to view on vaccines to things about people’s appearances-nothing seems to be off limits. I don’t even remember the days where people politely just kept their mouths shut-does anyone really??

For the last eight months I have been co-creating a human being. It’s February now (almost March) and since before Christmas the comments have been insane to me. Recently though the one that takes the cake ladies and gentleman..a man came into the office today and after rudely making comment after comment. Finally says, “ Hey maybe you should stop eating so then your baby wouldn’t get so big! I can tell it’s going to be over 10lbs!” Well I could have probably told you the last two were over 10 lbs if you weren’t so busy insulting me. And apparently being pregnant means I like to “torture” myself-you A-hat have no idea that we’ve waited 5-6 years for this child. The tears, the prayers, and the timing for this to happen. Is pregnancy a walk in the park no, but you have no idea the journey each woman has taken to get where she’s at. Just zip it with the nasty comments- no one wants to hear them.

But why is it as a woman (and not to say men don’t go through as well) if you don’t smile, laugh or acknowledge a man’s comment towards you that degrades you in someway- you’re the jerk! You’re told why don’t you smile, they give you the stink face, etc. Someone makes a rude comment to you for whatever reason and I feel like we’re conditioned then to just grin and bear it! Why would it be so inappropriate to say, “ that’s not cool. that was inappropriate!” Why do we have to accommodate ourselves to then fit someone else’s rudeness, because it’s not polite to gently, but firmly call them out!

Oh boys will be boys, or they’re a trucker or they just don’t have a filter..they’ve always been like that..blah blah blah! Oh she’s PMS’ing..Why do we make up excuses for other people’s rudeness that leaves us hurt, and upset!? A normal, average person wouldn’t go up to someone they know and haven’t seen in forever and say, “ WOW you got huge!” So why is it a norm to that to pregnant women? Yeah they’re not overly hormonal and emotional lets verbally tear them apart, because they don’t already feel like a whale. On the opposite end I’ve been someone who lost a lot weight and would hear comments about don’t you eat anymore. You’re so skinny you need to gain a few pounds back. Because really its everyone’s business to dive in and verbally give feedback when they weren’t asked.

As a society we’re so ready to jump on and judge other people for whatever reasons, but those who get verbally attacked- I just don’t understand why it seems like we’re told to be quiet. Why sticking up for yourself isn’t seen as a positive thing. Why setting boundaries to prevent further hurt, verbal attacks, and emotional wounds- isn’t seen a necessity?

There is a time and place for how to handle certain situations and verbally attacking someone in public just isn’t it. However, being told to lighten up while being degraded just cannot be acceptable either. Where’s the happy middle ground? How about the basics of if you don’t have anything nice to say...then umm don’t say anything at all. Be firm. Be strong and protect yourself in the way that’s best for you. <3

Telling someone to shrug off hurtful comments doesn’t really help either-easier said than done. Words are hurtful and they are remembered and get buried in the back of memories. It isn’t an easy hurdle to jump over, but in my opinion for those who seek therapy it is awesome...telling someone else what you’re going through and getting that validation, :) Anyways, this post was more of a long rant, because I am just so tired of having to put a smile on and just “put up” with rude comments day in and day out..it’s tiring.

Dating my spouse.

If you follow me on Instagram you may have seen that for the Lenten season instead of giving something up- I along with my spouse are refocusing on our faith and our marriage. On our 40 day journey together this year we will be back tracking a little to the good old days of dating.

I remember when we first started hanging out before we started dating how he would ask me to hangout everyday and after about a month I thought maybe there’s something here. The flirty text messages, the first time it took him like fifteen minutes to hold my hand and our first kiss. Fast forward thirteen years together (eleven years married) two kids, one on the way and multiple moves here we are. Through the challenges of multiple moves, kids and the chaos of normal life before 2020 threw in Covid-how social distancing and distant learning have taking tolls on us and our family.

This new idea of going back to dating each other in the midst of changes coming soon (mostly baby!!) I wanted us to re-connect and enjoy each other before another bundle of joy, bundle of they need so much attention and bundle of extra errands to run, things to buy and basically this whole other person that needs to taken care of all hours day and night. I want to enjoy and embrace the person who was there at the beginning before any little person came along. What was it about the other one that drove us to the edge of excitement ,mystery and just the fun of getting to know this new person?

Usually when a new couple gets married someone sooner or later offers up the advice to “don’t forget to date each other” which at the time may seem silly, because you’re on the crisp of marrying your best friend and what could possibly go wrong in any scenario?! Life happens and you both get busy with jobs, school and kids, pets and family, etc. Then those cute little things you did while dating soon become a sweet memory and nothing more.

Now while one thing may work for one couple it may not work for another one. I would suggest for all couples to read the 5 love language book and take the quiz at the end to figure out each other’s love language. While my husband and I have the same languages- Acts of kindness and quality time- they each look different to each of us. It is important that you and your significant other openly communicate your language and how it speaks to you! However, I think, for both of us if the other one washes the dishes that speaks high volumes, because neither one of us love to wash dishes. Spending quality time for me might look more like watching a movie or just talking (no phones, no kids-just us) while for husband might look like me hanging out with him while he plays video games or watching a video that he has interest in!

By simply taking the time to write a note to your significant other, texting them during the day asking how they’re doing, or taking time to take interest in what they’re interested in (even though it’s not something you enjoy) means a lot to them. You’re taking time out of your day to show your investment in them, and in your marriage- your future. An example for us would be my husband is very into politics while I am not, but I try to read up on articles or watch a video or two, because it’s important to him and then later we can talk about it. To me dating your spouse isn’t just going out on a date, or a movie night (which both are good examples) it’s just not limited to a certain time and date. My point being more so that you invest in the other person daily with your words and actions.

We are also trying to be intentional with spending right now so really a date night out probably just won’t happen-really hasn’t happened for quite some time (thanks covid)... but having the kids eat before us and then we can eat alone-WOW really more romantic than maybe it comes off as. Unless you have kids, because I feel like you get what I am saying and you’ve been there and you get it! In the morning an act of kindness I try very hard to do is starting my husband’s truck, because I leave before he does. We live in the Midwest and as acclimated to the weather as we may be a warm vehicle is always nice in the morning! On other side, for my husband helping clip my toe nails, because I’m pregnant and can’t reach them- speaks volumes to me!

I think for me and I cannot speak for my husband (although as a wife we like to do that a lot...) it’s more about the little moments vs the big, grand ones. Day in and day out if you are not connecting with your significant other, finding time throughout the day, putting the phones down and while disconnecting from others-finding time to connect with each other. Than over time the little moments of flirty comments, or trying to sneak in a kiss or grabbing their butt because your kids aren’t looking or whatever your little moments look life- will add up to more miserable ones. Over time the disconnect will happen and it is so hard to come back from that- not impossible- but I’d imagine really hard.

So over the next 40 days I look forward to dating my husband, for us to dig more into our faiths through reading the Bible, joining Bible studies, and through our love languages continuing to grow that spark that has kept a flame of marriage going for eleven (will be twelve years this summer) . To challenge ourselves to step out of our boxes, to grow and to be changed as our family awaits to grow and life as we know will it change some more.

So what does dating your spouse look like for you?

Success vs Failures

A couple days late on posting a new blog, but didn’t want to rush just posting any topic. While at work I started thinking about why is it that we as human focus more on negativity than positivity? Really the answer comes down to it’s just how our brains are wired and a chemical in our brain called cortisol. Which is easiest explained as our brains sort of defense mechanism when a stressful situation comes up we quickly think of a way to handle that situation, however, more often than not our brain then sticks to that pattern of thinking the worse will happen.

I had asked a few people which one they see more in their lives success or failures? All of them said failures hands down was more prominent in what they see in their daily lives. One response as a parent definitely struck a cord in that instead of focusing on, for example, your kids are fed you see that they ate box mac n cheese and sugary snacks instead of fresh food. Therefore setting off in the brain that instead of a success that the kids are fed they just saw that they failed at not providing what they “should have”. Part of that was the expectations set for that person and it was interesting, because who they are now doesn’t reflect what happened in their own home as a child. How many of us say we will be different than how we were raised or emphasize similar patterns from our childhood? Maybe both?

A couple more people said that when it comes to seeing their wins or fails they don’t focus on their wins so much, because they’re addicted to what’s the next thing? what’s the next goal? Always ready and willing to jump to the next thing, because even though they may have accomplished so many things over here they’re not content or happy with themselves and want to keep pushing the limits on what’s next. Or perhaps they’ve accomplished so many goals, but the next one is the the one that they fail at so then that’s all the focus on. “Why didn’t that goal work out? What went wrong? I did everything I was suppose to!” Any of those sound familiar??

But where do our expectations of where we “think” we need to be come from? Society says by this age one should be accomplished in their career, married and have kids, etc. Or perhaps even in ones family their grandfather, their dad, or their mom they were set by the time they were a certain age- so why isn’t their kid (s) following the same path? Ever feel like social media just feeds into the negativity of feeling more like a failure? I had mentioned this in another post- scrolling through social media and seeing and thinking, “ Oh that person has their life together. Their house is clean, their kids don’t have food dried to their face, or garbage isn’t piled up..etc”

Now I’m not saying a little competition or even some comparison isn’t healthy, because at some point using some comparison as a scale to see progress or to see where growth needs to happen isn’t terrible, but how it consumes your mind, your thoughts I would say be cautious.

And for myself I look at how we define success or failure, because does one look at the standards of the world, of society or does one look towards their faith, towards the standards God has set in more eternally lasting things? Success may look like taking care of your family, working hard and helping plant the seed of faith and guiding your children along a faith based path. Or does success look like working hard, taking lots of vacations, having the biggest house and cleanest house with all the latest decor styles and whatever else? ((In which I’m not saying just because maybe you do work hard and take lots of vacations that makes you a bad person- not saying that!))

Success looks so different to many people, but I think it is so important to set and know what the core, the foundation of your base really is. To be focused on why you do what you do and not just because your neighbor does it a certain way or that’s what society says you should do. Why do you focus so much on what you want to accomplish and are your setbacks only going to push you harder or will you let them defeat you? Are you focused more on the accomplishment of a goal or the growth, the challenge and lessons learned along the way?

Put on the armor of God

Earlier this week I couldn’t help but focus and pray over the scripture of putting on the armor of God. On days we think that we’re just having a bad day-are we? When we are loathing in self doubt, self hate, or self pity could it be that the enemy is dousing us with a spiritual attack? The Lord knows our hearts desires and passions and may open doors to opportunities to go after those, but when they don’t work out exactly the way we think they should - it is so hard to honestly not fall apart a little bit. Questioning if we were on the right path to begin with.

Putting so much passion, effort and rearranging of schedules and prayer and you feel “it “on the crisp of your fingers and then....nothing. Self doubt creeps in and you question whether you have the right “stuff” for that passion, you question whether you really invited God into your process or did you plan it and then ask him to bless it after you had your plans in order? You question whether or not you can be used in what you felt you were being called to do.

The enemy loves nothing more than to make us question our relationship with God, to make us question our passions to serve to the Lord and to be that light God calls us to be. So once again after what harmlessly seems like a bad day I couldn’t help but focus and pray over the scripture of putting on the armor of God.

Using the NIV this is quite a chunk of scripture please follow along with me..

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle IS NOT against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you make be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” (Ephesians 6:10-17)

Reading this there is almost an urgency of needing believers to put on the armor of God. “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8 NIV. There is spiritual battle going on all around us and although we all know how the book ends (spoiler alert God wins!!) there is always a constant battle for our souls. Jesus went to the cross to die for everyone’s sins, everyone who repents and invites Christ into their hearts, and even those who reject him- He didn’t just die for those who he knew would accept him. Christ still died for those who at the time of his death that verbally and physically rejected him, beat and spit at him...he died for them.

So many doors of the “truth” are out there and not sorry to say I only believe in one truth, God. God’s truth in his Holy Word and when it emphasizes the importance of putting on the armor of God I listen. Put on the belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, readiness that comes from gospel,shield of faith and the helmet of salvation and picking up the sword of the Spirit. In Proverbs 4:23 it says, “ Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (NIV) The word of God focuses again and again in us guarding ourselves in the knowledge of the word, in the truth, because it’s not like the enemy doesn’t know what’s in the word. Do not listen to the whispers of deception, the whispers of you’re not good enough, you’re not making a difference, or the whispers of God can’t use you! LIES!

Throughout the entire word of God he uses an arrange of people who from the get go may have questioned a little bit if they could have been used by God, but still took that leap of faith and said,” Ok, here I am use me.” They were liars, murderers, adulterers, and young to older people. God doesn’t just have a cookie cutter check list of who and what he desires to use. Be open, be obedient and be bold enough to stand your ground in God’s truth, because “What, then shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31 (NIV) Reading further in Romans 8,” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39 NIV) Even in the Old Testament, in the Psalms, I think, there is scripture that tells us we can go nowhere where God isn’t already there.

Put on the armor of God, guard your heart and know that God is always on your side. You are not alone in what you face, the struggles and battles of life are not for your to carry on your own. Christ calls us to call upon him and He will be our strength, our courage to take one more step. Even in those moments where it feels like you cannot go any further Christ is there to carry you in those moments and be your strength, courage and guiding light when it seems like darkness has consumed whats going on around you. He promises to never leave us, nor forsake us and we cannot go anywhere that he isn’t already there and we cannot be separated by life, death or height or depths from God.

Feeling disconnected in an online world

Along with so many others I’m sure during the last year adjusting to the “new normal” has been exhausting. It seems like a lifetime ago hanging out, going to restaurants or wherever without hesitation has definitely become a thing of the past. However, on the other side I know there is a thirst for human connection, for fellowship and for community.

In today’s society technology is in a place that even a few years ago only seemed like a dream. Who knew Google classroom would have become a thing of the present or Zoom meetings or Facetime would become the norm for not only schools, but for jobs as people adjust to working from home. The chaos the world was thrown into with working from home, homeschooling your children and not having child care, because you’re working from home so you’re it!

A few months ago I wanted to put together say a basket of goodies for someone who was sick and couldn’t leave their house. However, when I had asked what people would have wanted in their baskets an overwhelming response said they just wanted people. Now I know for some maybe life hasn’t changed that much and hanging out with friends, going to work and sending your kids to school is still apart of our daily lives. While for others depending on where they live have had to completely shut down and not work, not send their kids to school and isolate themselves for what probably seems like forever.

Going back to technology we are more “connected” through social media than ever before. I don’t know if this generation even remembers phone numbers anymore, because if it’s programmed into your phone you don’t need to memorize anything! So much of our livelihoods are in such a tiny device that holds our passwords, social media connections, or banking information or Google maps so we know where we’re going! Yet, with all of these connections at our fingertips it still leaves a void in being able to connect to someone vs being face to face in person with them. Being able to hug someone who’s having a hard day or sitting down for a coffee date or going out on an actual date or whatever.

It has been extremely hard personally not always being able to go to church or not being able to go to Biblestudy. Connecting and growing with other women as life doesn’t get any easier just to hear someone else say what you’re going through it is so hard. While I know there are many reasons why people social distance and I am not here to bash any of those reasons, but just wanted to say that need for human connection, for friendship, and for that feeling of community hasn’t gone away. Maybe it some ways it has gotten stronger, because we all know we’re in this crazy boat together ( 6 feet apart) , but the day we can go on with our lives, hug again and live in community that’s a dream I cannot wait for it to come true.

All who wander are not lost.

As a senior high school the only thing I looked forward to was getting out of my hometown. I looked at colleges in North Dakota, in Sioux Falls, anywhere that wasn’t to close to home. In the end I went to South Dakota State University which I felt like half my graduating class went to. (Now I am not sure on those numbers but it felt like a lot) In college I wanted a fresh start on who I was, because I wasn’t going to be who I was growing up in college.

I wouldn’t say the problem with landing in Brookings, which is only forty-five minutes from where I grew up, was that I went to school there, but I stayed. When I graduated college all my friends had such BIG wordly dreams and goals and chased after them with everything they had. Before the end of my senior year I got married and planted where I was and we grew into a small family. That was my dream for me and for my our little family to find a nice house and for our kids to grow up there!

I never thought I would want to leave the comfort of the place where we had been for twelve years and had brought two beautiful girls into the world. It was our safety box and who wants to leave their comfort zone? Then the winds of change came into our lives and for weeks, months my husband and I wrestled with what that change looked like. For us at the time our change looked like moving to Indiana by the Indianapolis area.

For our small town South Dakota world it seemed exciting and it was new and it wasn’t anything we had been before so the opportunity was thrilling to step out in faith. However, as many know taking a step or leap of faith is not always the easiest thing to do. The year that we lived out there was probably one of the most challenging years of our lives.

From living in an apartment that we could not afford to moving to a house that we could afford, but had raccoons and or other pests living in the attic for months that we occupied the house. The crazy expensive childcare I applied for multiple side jobs, but ended up backing out for fear of never seeing my family. Despite how things may have been harder there we will never ever regret going out of our comfort zone and meeting people who we honestly hope will be apart of our lives forever.

However, life it’s funny how life works and how our plans don’t always pan out like we hope they would! Weeks before we even perhaps wanted to even admit we thought about moving back to South Dakota we had other plans. To say things didn’t work out for the original plans or reasons why we moved out to Indiana is not to say that other opportunities we not opening for us to step in a different direction. (Sorry to all my grammar friends I am sure that is a run on sentence..)

Life happens. our loved ones get sick and we needed our family back. We needed to be back where things were known to us and held memories. So about a year after we moved to Indiana we moved back to South Dakota. In the end we moved back where I grew up..ugh !! Life has in a way come to a circle? for me as I have ended up back where my childhood took place.

I moved back to my hometown and the four of us with our feline pet have invaded a bachelor pad. Our plans to buy a house have not worked out YET thanks our awesome debt from a certain apartment we could not afford our plans are just taking a little longer.

Although we have certain plans, hopes, and wishes for our future it may seem we are just wandering until we find our place, our setting for our home sweet home, but we’re not lost. We are moving forward, one day at a time. I may be an adult who lives with their dad, but for our situation it works and I feel blessed that we have a roof over our heads!

Just because life may take you on a journey that you may not see the end doesn’t mean you’re not on the path you’re suppose to be on. Taking steps out into the unknown may take you through storms and ups and downs that are harder than anything before, but when you come out the other side you’ll be who you’re suppose to be. So here’s to being who I am suppose to be back in my hometown with my family!

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