I Bleed Words

Love, lies, and all the other poisons | Writer | Not someone you'd want to meet in real life

[zhizhisiregar]

Awful things happened without apology But I know where this will end, you once said And I nodded, knew you'll lead my little hands with your soft whispers Through the small path inside the forest of fairytales about heaven and a place where we would meet long after you're gone You're the one who first mentioned that I'm a warrior not a princess, belong with armors and dragons riding bravery and kindness You told me to stop running from the emptiness, but I looked away and years later let myself swallowed by it . What happened today doesn't define you But I cried as I try to grasp the words out of your mouth they turned into dust, each letter fell to the empty air and I felt nothing other than no you're wrong I'm worthless and these bruises are the prove that I deserve Years after, months before you vanished into the Mother Earth, you patted my back again and again and again when my headache came each night and it felt like having a gun cocked into my mouth and I beg to God to pull the trigger some days it hurts so much I smashed my head to the wall . And you said sorry for all the scars people left Awful things will happen without apology Just remember, I love you I love you I love you Even if no one else does Even after you stop doing it yourself . - Fairytales My Grandma Told Me (some days her tenderness felt more like a mother to me) (ZS)

[zhizhisiregar]

aku hujan yang kau peluk kala hatimu rindu pelangi

Kalau kau terus nyanyikan lagu rindu untuk pelangi Baiknya acuhkan saja rintikku jangan tangisi ketika jemariku pergi mengembara jauh ke dalam kungkungan jurang dan tebing menjulang akan kuantarkan ia ke pelukanmu kembali lalu kita bisa pura-pura bahagia menggenggam apa yang tercipta bukan untuk jadi milik kita -(ZS)

[zhizhisiregar]

Don't Judge Me from My (Un)covered Veil

I'm tired of being a woman Lipstick stain and fondation to hide my flaws high heels and long dress so no one could see my fat There are men along the road throwing me rocks of words About what should be covered and what is not What should I do to tell the world that I'm a constelation of dreams Carrying a handful of lights streching under my stretch marks trying to pull the shine out of the cover I'm a shaking gun they've tried to dismantle so I won't hurt anyone's ego Dear, I'm indeed all skin and stain and bruises and shame But it has nothing to do with this ocean of broken words under my throat Let me storm

- ZS

[zhizhisiregar]

To be punished by the mistakes you've done, to be called under different names based on your sins, to pay the price of misjudgement for the eternity, To lose everything and to be crucified for the things that also haunting you at night, To those who begged for mercy from strangers and society: don't. They're not punishing you. They're just celebrating life that exposing your flaws instead of theirs.

- ZS

[zhizhisiregar]

Orang bilang, hidup itu santai saja, biarkan mengalir seperti air. Tapi untuk orang-orang sepertiku yang terlahir dari bawah, air kami harus mengalir ke atas. Aku harus sekuat tenaga berjuang melawan gravitasi, melompati batu demi batu untuk bisa menderas naik, ke titik yang lebih tinggi. Mereka yang memilih diam akan terseret arus dan tenggelam ke cerukan yang lebih dalam.

ZS

[modernartstudy]

starry night on the rhone, 1888 vincent van gogh 72cm x 92cm

[zhizhisiregar]

Mungkin sesekali kita harus berdoa bukan karena ingin Tuhan mendengarkan, tapi sederhana untuk mencari tahu apa yang sebenarnya kita inginkan.

- memang susah hidup berlarian sendirian tanpa tujuan (ZS)

[zhizhisiregar]

Caitlyn Siehl

[zhizhisiregar]

Mungkin aku serupa pengembara dan kau sungai di tengah sahara Kau hapus dahagaku yang sudah membara kubiarkan derasnya arusmu aliri tubuhku dengan warna Kita berdua saja, berdansa dan tertawa Segala hal yang pernah kau lewati dan akan kau lewati bukan untuk kupikirkan, pergimu tak perlu pula kutakuti Tak ada pengembara yang tangisi sungainya dimiliki Ada alam yang terlalu megah untuk dikuasai Jemariku terlalu kecil menahan arusmu Satu hal yang hanya perlu kau tahu Pengembaraanku takkan jauh dari tepianmu

Dewa (ZS)

[zhizhisiregar]

To live is to grasp the air between healing and hurting. To carry the overflowing tenderness that no one wants. To imprison all of the heaviness inside the ribcage so they won't see the monster underneath your spine. To breath poems that no one seems to understand. To carry a handful of universe dripping between our fingers not knowing how put the innocence back. Tell me, how to be alive isn't a curse. #writing #poetry #poem #puisi #nightphotography #coratcoretasal

[zhizhisiregar]

My short story published in Republika, "Lalu Sunyi". About a psychotic father and all. #writing #newspaper #republika #tulisan #sastra #cerpen #writer

[zhizhisiregar]

Filosofi es krim. Jadi begini, pilihannya sederhana saja. Kau suka rasa stroberi, tapi hidup sodorkanmu rasa lain. Mau kau lempar jauh penuh benci, apa daya itu satu-satunya punyamu. Pilihannya cuma dua: Lumat pelan-pelan sambil belajar mencintai cokelat, karena mungkin cokelat juga tidak mau jadi cokelat. Mungkin ia terlahir bercita-cita jadi vanilla. Mungkin ia juga tak suka bertengger di mejamu. Saatnya mencintai kekecewaan yang ada di dalam dirinya yang mungkin cerminan dari kekecewaanmu. Atau tatap meja-meja lain dengan penuh damba, yang menghidangkan menu yang lebih nikmat namun entah bagaimana tercipta bukan untuk singgah mejamu. Mimpikan terus apa yang tak ada hingga kau tersadar: es krim di mejamu telah leleh. Kalah oleh ketakpedulianmu. Kau pun duduk di situ, sendiri, dengan genangan manis yang tak sempat kau nikmati dan takkan pula kembali beku untukmu. Yang mana yang akan kau pilih?

Zhizhi Siregar

[zhizhisiregar]

Mungkin hanya aku kala petang Atau juga kamu dan seribu lagi layang-layang Selayak pengembara yang lelah terbang Riang mengawang-awang Tanpa ingat kemana hendak pulang Jemu akan persinggahan semu dengan mereka yang datang lalu hilang Pertemuan singkat tanpa makna yang kian usang - hari tak lagi siang saatnya berhenti berpetualang (ZS)

[zhizhisiregar]

EVER WONDERING WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE A BIGOT'S HEAD? There's this thing called as "motivated reasoning." It's this phenomenon in which our unconscious motivations, our desires and fears, shape the way we interpret information. Some information, some ideas, feel like our allies. We want them to win. We want to defend them. And other information or ideas are the enemy, and we want to shoot them down. Its opposite is "scout mindset." It's the drive not to make one idea win or another lose, but just to see what's really there as honestly and accurately as you can, even if it's not pretty or convenient or pleasant. They're more likely to say they feel pleasure when they learn new information or an itch to solve a puzzle. They're more likely to feel intrigued when they encounter something that contradicts their expectations. Scouts also have different values. They're more likely to say they think it's virtuous to test your own beliefs, and they're less likely to say that someone who changes his mind seems weak. And above all, scouts are grounded, which means their self-worth as a person isn't tied to how right or wrong they are about any particular topic. So they can believe that capital punishment works. If studies come out showing that it doesn't, they can say, "Huh. Looks like I might be wrong. Doesn't mean I'm bad or stupid." if we really want to improve our judgment as individuals and as societies, what we need most is not more instruction in logic or rhetoric or probability or economics, even though those things are quite valuable. But what we most need to use those principles well is scout mindset. We need to change the way we feel. We need to learn how to feel proud instead of ashamed when we notice we might have been wrong about something. We need to learn how to feel intrigued instead of defensive when we encounter some information that contradicts our beliefs.

A bit of contemplation after watching Julia Galef in TED video.

[zhizhisiregar]

Mendung menggantung Serupa enggan, selayak segan Seperti dia yang sialnya kau jadikan idaman di seberang sana membalas pesan Setengah mati ogah-ogahan Biarkanmu tergantung Bergumam sendiri terkatung-katung Berharap jadi Ratu berujung sekedar kacung Berdiri di tikungan setengah bingung Terlalu malu untuk meraung-raung Tahu diri, kau pun diam termenung Letakkan hatimu di kaki waktu yang menggaung Biar menggantung Seperti mendung

Kidung Mendung (ZS)

[zhizhisiregar]

Tuan, kalau memang kopi ini terlalu pahit untukmu, sungguh tak mengapa. Letakkan sendok itu, tak perlu kau paksa aduk dengan malas-malasan. Biarkan pecinta kopi yang tahu caranya menghamba datang mengetuk pintu yang ia buatkan kuncinya untukmu namun tak kunjung kau buka. Biar kau cari lagi sendiri pucuk-pucuk teh yang mampu hilangkan dahagamu di pegunungan lain. - on "You're not my cup of tea" and "it's okay I'm a black coffee anyway" (ZS) #coffee #lights #bokeh #nikon #night #nightphotography #tulisan #puisi (at Kuta Beach Bali)

[zhizhisiregar]

OVERCROWDED I stared at the empty house, it’s somehow liberating to see a huge empty spaces everywhere. It was overcrowded a few years ago. The first time we bought the house, we both have our own dream house in our mind. “Let’s be a minimalist.” We planned to buy a Japanese coffee table. Tiny sakura tree. Softy and comfy carpet. But then my Mom interfered. Without permission, she bought sofa, table, this and that and despite the fact that we were grateful, we lost the sense of freedom. Even in our own house. Inside our bedroom, we designed the bathroom five stars hotel-like with transparent glasses as its walls. So we can see each other’s sexy shadow while showering. But then his Mom came. And told us to cover the bathroom because it sent an unhealthy aura and anything with Jin related. So we covered the bathroom. Once again, we lost the sense of freedom. This time, in our own bedroom. The same thing goes with holidays, honeymoons, fights, anniversaries, and soon, we no longer hold the power over anything at all. That’s what happened when you let people interfere. You listened to people who basically know nothing about your relationship. Losing the freedom to feel, the freedom to be stupid, because your best friend said you need to keep your pride. “Never beg for love,” they said. One thing that I forgot: marriage is about begging. You beg for him to understand you, to love you back, or to love you the way you want to be loved. You’re not asking, you’re begging, because it’s out of desperation. Because he means more than just a polite request. Letting people to give their opinion about your relationship is good. But to let them interfere is another thing. Make sure you hold the power over your own relationship. So I took a deep breath. This house indeed was way too crowded. Next time I make a home out of someone, I’ll keep it minimalist. It’d only be me and him. Then, with a bit smile on my face, I closed the door and walked away from a place that no longer my home.

et parfois, je ne me comprends pas (ZS) #tulisansetahunlalu