this was a mahasamut episode and something that stuck with me is the fact that he is someone who seeks to be chosen and intentionally loved. as there is intention in everything he does and says. as well as in what he feels. that is his love language.
however, what solidifies it for me is just how tied it is to his wounded inner child. this is a boy who was faced, very early on, with the notion that home is the thing you walk away from and that it was what he had to do to survive.
mahasamut does not think highly of himself. confident as he can be, that is something that is made clear throughout the entire series, whether it's through the villagers who fawn him, the belittling of his education and upbringing or his keenness on being on a leash (and this isn't just a kink). the fact that dogs love you no matter how badly you treat them, they'll even die of a heartbreak when you die. there have been stories of dogs who have died in their person's grave or waited for them in the place they were abandoned, hoping they'd come back. so i have always seen mut's undying commitment to that part as the manifestation of being kicked to the curb and treated like a dog (which is already a phrase that implies a certain dehumanization that i fear he has internalized) by his father. in spite of that, he remained loyal, loving, considering, earnest, honest as both not to let others feel the way he felt but also so he isn't something to be thrown away. though even if you do, he'll be there, in your grave. and i guess that's the point.
his selflessness, as characteristic of him as it is, wasn't nurtured in a vacuum. it doesn't entirely stem from simple kindness either, but i gather from a need to be purposeful and useful. it comes down to having a sense of belonging as well, which particularly speaks to how he reacts to being included in rak's life and family. in his future. in the midst of uncertainty and the expectancy that at one point, he has to give himself deadlines for self-preservation because he is the sort of person who will lose themselves, trying to save you.
i often use the quote "the violence it took to become this gentle" because it did, in fact, take a lot of it and no one will really ever know just how much. how much he has seen, how much he suffered, how much he has done to himself. being in a small town is no small challenge, and for a long time, i kept thinking about how alone he must have felt. how determined he was in showing tongrak that his father was weak and mediocre. how people used to laugh at him. knowing that his father probably had a lot of friends and was known in the village and in a small town, that often means to overlook and handle certain situations and topics in a very narrow way. i don't think he ever had the chance to show how weak his own father was, so when he speaks for tongrak, for meena, for anyone, he's also talking to and for himself.
i previously commented that i would have liked to see mut's own processing of his feelings more because as resolved as he seems to be, he has a lot of piled up stuff in there and there's a mut who is insecure, who doesn't want to embarrass you, who questions whether what he can give is enough, who's sorry, who's angry, who's hurt, who can be "ugly" in how he feels. beyond the understanding, the patience, the care, the selflessness. regardless of those things even. there is nuance to being thick-skinned.
apologies don't stop you from internalizing any hurt. it's in character to have different sides to your own pain and feelings. just the fact that he proceeded to punch rak's father is an example, because apart from his need to protect other people, he was also hurt and reliving the disappointment of being cut loose. no matter how much you understand something and someone, it won't prevent you from feeling. that only tells me that there's so much more acknowledgement to be done for him as well.
so with the 10th episode, we have someone who is backed up against a wall and has to decide to care about his own well being for once and whether he's okay, tired, has reached a limit because he knows he can be disappointed, and we understand that through his conversation with mook. you can just tell this was a long process of rumination. what makes it even more curious is the fact that, even though he knew he could be rejected and had to accept it, we see his inner child resurfacing when it happens. the resignation, the anger, the apologies as he is the fool and has forced himself on to someone. what makes it harder, in my opinion, is the realization that you can be loved but somehow it's not enough for someone to stay. i feel like that moment when he realizes what the number 8 represented, what he represented caused such a visceral deepening of that wound, and made him once again face the question of why must he always leave his heart behind and why won't anyone hold on to it. he internalized that.
tongrak shifts that when he decides that home is the thing you run to and what really got me is the request that he tells mut how he feels to his face instead of an apology. tell me who is home. i need to hear it. who do you love this much?
you're here. i'm here. we're here. remind me of this fact for the rest of our lives.
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