I’m not a medical professional so this is probably very inaccurate.
!warnings! death, death anxiety, panic attacks
This is my first ever post and i’m kinda nervous. English is not my first language. I hope someone out there likes this <3
“Push 0.3 of epi!” I yell at Princess as I continue to give the 9 year old boy in front of me chest compressions.
“It’s been 10 minutes, Dr. Nightingale” she tries to make me let go.
“Do as I say!”
She pushes the medicine in the boy’s IV. I continue the compressions.
“Pulse check.” I announce as I check his carotid pulse just to not feel a heartbeat.
“Resuming compressions.”
“Dr. Nightingale, I think you should announce it…We’ve done everything we could-“ Dr. Mohan says softly.
I don’t listen to her and continue to try bringing the kid back. This can’t be it. He deserves to live. The next moment, Samira takes me off the little boy.
“Enough, Nova.” She whispers as she holds me back.
I look at the lifeless body on the bed and tears well up my eyes. I freeze. I can’t even announce the time of death.
It’s not the first time I lose a pacient but losing kids is the hardest thing in the world. I can’t forget them. Ever.
“Time of death…20:35” I quietly say and I immediately excuse myself from the room.
There’s no way I can tell his parents how their child just died now. I’m completely numb and I barely register what’s going on around me. I make my way to the elevator and go to the rooftop. I approach the edge and lean on the railing. I feel like not enough oxygen gets into my lungs. Flashes of the moment I just lived cloud my mind. He’s dead. That little kid is dead. I start thinking about how we’re all gonna die eventually. How this life is not forever. And we’ll never ever come back again. It’s just a one way road. We can never go back in time. We’re all just getting older and older (if we get this privilege) and that’s it. One day it’s gonna end. My mind is spiralling, I struggle to catch my breath and I’m full on sobbing.
“Nova!” I hear a muffled voice from behind me. I can’t even turn around.
“Hey hey hey. Shhh. It’s okay. You’re okay, baby.” Jack wraps his arms around me. My knees give out and we both get down. I manage to look him in the eyes.
“I- I ca- can’t breathe” I say with a desperate and terrified look in my eyes.
“You can Nove. You’re doing it right now, just not the perfect way. Come on. Let’s do it together.” He whispers in that soft voice of his.
He takes one of my hands and places it on his chest and the other on mine. He takes an exaggerated breath and I try to copy him but I fail miserably.
“That’s it, baby. In…and out.” He encourages me. I don’t even know for how long we stay like that. I somehow manage to get my breathing back to normal but I feel completely drained from every bit of energy I had left in me. My head is resting against Jack’s chest while his hands are softly stroking my hair.
“I…heard what happened. I’m so sorry. I know you did everything you could to save his life.” He tries to reassure me. I just nod against his chest, not being able to say something yet.
“And i went to tell his parents the news. I knew it’d be hard for you so I at least could do this.”
I lift my head to look him in the eyes.
“You did? Thank you so much-“ a few tears stream down my face as if I didn’t cry a lot already.
He nods slowly and gives me a soft little smile while wiping my tears away with his thumbs. I lean into his touch.
A few more moments of silence pass between us, the only sound being the city.
“I’m so scared, Jack. I don’t want to die. And that kid…that little boy had his whole life in front of him. He did not deserve that!” I cling onto Jack’s arms.
“Since I was little I was raised to believe in God, to believe in Heaven and that’s where we’ll go after death. And I’m not saying I don’t believe in something like that or…close to it but the fact that no one knows what truly happens to us after death is what’s killing me- I can’t just put all my faith into something that doesn’t have much evidence of even existing. I don’t want to forget this life. I don’t want to forget all the amazing things that I got to experience. I don’t want to forget you, my love. That’s what I’m terrified of-“
“Nova, I…” he looks away and mutters a “fuck” under his breath. His eyes find mine again and he gives me a sweet kiss on the lips.
“We’ll be okay. I promise. We’ll be alright. I love you.” He rests his forehead against mine.
I closed my eyes, taking in the words he said and letting them settle into my soul like I could actually believe it.
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