brown grrrl rising

and reflecting. This is a personal Tumblr, sister-blog to punkmermaid & pow-pow-pow-power, where the crunchy good stuff at.

[buffyplayswithdemons]

I wrote a text post just now About how I don't know how to be okay anymore, and how i'd lost my moral compass & my humanity with the loss of my two best friends. Not to mention, I just fucking miss them. I miss their insights, their dreams, I miss hearing about what's going on in their lives, their small joys, what gets them stoked, their worries. I miss her voice, I miss his smile. Anyway, I wrote it a lot more eloquently but there was an error and it never posted or something. Also was writing about how I don't know if I should keep trying to make change to the world and myself, or if I should just end things before I become more harmful. I'm so tired. And with my last burst of energy, I still manage to be self-involved. I wish I could be chill & less egotistical & more loveable. But I made my choice. I'm going to regret last week for the rest of my life.

[brown-grrrl-power]

[herheartsapocalypse]

[buffyplayswithdemons]

"Abuse warps people inside. Choosing to be kind is not choosing to be passive. It's choosing to end the cycle of abuse."

Melissa Grey‎, on survival, the nature of abuse, & Cinderella as a survivor & feminist hero.

[buffyplayswithdemons]

there was a new barista at the cafe i usually go to her voice and speech patterns were so close to yours and omg i started crying it was so stupid i need to heal

[buffyplayswithdemons]

as of today, i am kind of excited to make myself better

[buffyplayswithdemons]

I was thinking about why I felt the need to withdraw my friendship When it's clearly the last thing in the world I want Like, why would that even occur to me? It is a terrible thing to be powerless And I felt incredibly powerless that night -- like, I had no ability to effect you, like I was meaningless or nothing to you So I think I reached for the only thing I had left as a weapon But weapons are funny things If you don't know how to wield them properly, You are as like to hurt yourself as you are the people you use them against So. Being powerless is a terrible thing. Because I could have accepted that awful feeling -- let it wash over me and simply accept it and let it go. It would have filtered off by morning. Instead, I took action, chose violence, and caused hurt. And that judgment call is pretty much a huge reflection on me as a person, as a existing thing.

[buffyplayswithdemons]

sometimes I find it the most absolutely hilarious thing that i'm strung out on bad things for so long when once i'm gone I might b remembered for a month if i'm lucky I let ghosts remain as existing people in my head talk to them like they're guardian angels refer to them for a moral compass I keep losing memories

[buffyplayswithdemons]

Getting out of bed is hard Getting ready for the day is hard Trying to do basic things is hard But apparently complaining about it all is the easiest thing in the world

[buffyplayswithdemons]

I woke up around 7, remembered how wrong everything is, went back to sleep Woke again just now, remembered, want to go back to sleep

[buffyplayswithdemons]

Dick, alcohol, vomit, draino

[buffyplayswithdemons]

I feel so silly. I googled, "what do you do when you hurt your best friend" & "how do you fix things when you keep messing up with your best friend" I mean, really, I should know better. My ego hurt. I lashed out. I regretted it immediately. I know I was wrong. I must have hurt and maybe grossed my friend out terribly. I apologized, and tried to explain why I felt the need to be mean. I've reached out repeatedly. I have to wait. I have to be patient, and consider that they may not want to forgive me or be friends with me any longer. I have to understand & accept that. And I have to just let it be. Because I think any further apologizing or gestures of friendship are just obnoxious and self-absorbed at the point. I just really hope this isn't permanent. I know it's selfish to hope that, but I cannot help it. It's getting more & more difficult to make it through each day. I just have to keep hoping. Trust.

[buffyplayswithdemons]

also, I managed to blow about $250 this past week I’ve been drinking way too much That contributed to most of that deficit fuq i am a wreck

i miss my best friends

[sixpenceee]

I hope you find love in 2016. 

[barbedwirebutterfly-deactivated]

I hope you find financial stability, as well, in 2016

[fvlani]

Also, I hope you get astonishing dick in 2016.

[thehyphenn]

I hope you find peace in 2016.

[kiyahamour-deactivated20181104]

I hope you find happiness within yourself in 2016.

[saidasplanet]

I hope you find those bobby-pins in 2016

[ozyxw]

i hope you get closure in 2016

[crist-al]

I hope you get those good grades you deserve in 2016

[jeduh]

I hope you find yourself 2016

[vogucci]

I hope you live the life you deserve in 2016

[beautofblack-blog]

I hope you stop taking shit from people in 2016

[rhiavictoria]

I hope you make amazing memories in 2016

[sempiternalloveandhappiness]

I hope you love yourself in 2016

[mynameis-not-littlegirl-deactiv]

I hope you make amazing friends in 2016

[brown-grrrl-power]

I hope you fall asleep every night knowing you are loved in 2016

[pow-pow-pow-power]

hope you stay hydrated & healthy in 2016

[buffyplayswithdemons]

I hope you have all the great sex you want in 2016

[buffyplayswithdemons]

I guess what it boils down to, past the hurt & the bullshit & the complications or whatever: I just need a lot more affection & love & adoration than I am being given And that's selfish I'm selfish It's too much to expect that from one person How can I expect such devotion from someone who was entirely in love with my best friend? My best friend who I ignored in favor of him. My best friend who left us both. How I can expect anything from anyone? I'm so terrifyingly alone & i'm so terribly sad O babe

[buffyplayswithdemons]

Tonight I left a blast-from-the-past friend, and I wanted to die, so I called up a friend who is always down to drink, but then I got really depressed when he went to smoke, so I left him too. I went to a local bar & asked a famous rapper's uncle to dance, and he seemed kind of really happy to be asked to dance, which was really kind of nice-making -- i'm glad I was drunk enough to be normal-person brave, 'cause it seemed like it cheered his night up The band was good, but another guy wheedled in & asked me to dance, but he was a creep & kept touching my butt, so I told him to stop & then threatened to punch him, so he left me alone. But even though the band was good, he kind of killed my dance vibe, so I danced like a loser, and got hit on too much while I was trying to close my tab up. I laughed & joked & flirtedmy way out of the bar but cried my way homeas soon as I was away from people All I couid think of the entire time while people showed me attention was that you hated me And it made me so....so weak It doesn't matter. Crying doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I'm just so useless & heart-sad

[buffyplayswithdemons]

the wrong person died