SINFUL / SINNER

private multi - muse. do not follow.

[builtofsin]

bowstringed​:

     “   right.   because that was clearly my first thought — you’ve been locked up for months,  my sanity is hanging on by an even thinner thread than my job,  this is the first chance i’ve had to   speak   to you,  let alone to see you in person,  but hey,  why not bring   jace   along with me.   are you done?   ”

     “    Yes,  darling,  I am  painfully aware  of that fact.  I counted the days.  Hours.  Tell me,  do you know how  slow  time is to pass as an immortal being?  Five minutes can feel like a millennia.  Imprisonment is as close to  Hell  as one can get being as we are.    ”

[builtofsin]

bornfate​:

@builtofsin​ sent:   “  there is no god.  ”

     “   oh yeah — ?  you seem pretty convinced,  given there’s no solid proof one way or the other.  how can you be sure?   ”   monsters and faith don’t sound like they’d go hand in hand,  but they coincide more often than people might think.  every culture,  every religion has its folklore,  its beliefs,  its deities.  sam has his own reasons for holding onto the possibility of a higher power.   “   no,   ”   he shakes his head,  without waiting for the answer.   “  i’m sorry,  but i don’t believe that.  no.  there’s way too much crap that exists to write off something as universal as a god.   ”

      “    Therein lies my point.  There is no proof.  What I am  convinced of  is this:  I once told a dear friend of mine that I,  too,  believed in a higher power until I became one.  This...  crap  you speak of is tangible.  I am tangible.  The Nefilimy,  though I fear someone as  wholly mundane  as you are may never have the  misfortune  of crossing paths with them.  God is not.  Unless,  of course,  you know something I don’t––which seems...    ”    He pauses for appraisal,  or lack thereof.    “    Unlikely.    ”

[builtofsin]

bowstringed​:​

     “   this   meeting?   are you kidding me?   i wanted to   see   you.   i had no idea where you were,  if you were even alive —— how could you possibly think that i’d come here with an agenda?   ”

     “     Because there is  always  an agenda.  Would you not have your own  reservations  had the roles been reversed?  You’re fortunate to be in my presence at all––had you brought your  parabatai,  this conversation wouldn’t be taking place...  but I trust you knew that already,  hence why you’ve come alone.  I’m still waiting.     ”

[builtofsin]

     “     this meeting is unwise.  what is it you want of me,  alec?     ”     @bowstringed​

[builtofsin]

vampanik​:

     “ right, we’ll just thaw you out. body heat’s usually a good preventative, but — you know. i don’t have any. which is still so,  so  weird to say. ”

     “  you’re pretty good at  leeching  all of mine.  ”   he pulls him in by the shirt to kiss him with a smile,   “  ––  ironic,  all things considered.  ”

[builtofsin]

vampanik​:

     “ i think there’s only one way to find out. although i might’ve gotten a little too ambitious and neglected the fact that it’s december and you might die of hypothermia, so that’s something to consider. ”

     “  i’m sure we’ll find a way to keep things hot.  jacuzzi tub,  remember?  ”

[builtofsin]

vampanik​:​

     “ not too shabby, right? oh, and i also triple - checked with the front desk to confirm that the bathtub  is,  in fact, a jacuzzi. ”

     “  ––  balcony’s kinda small,  though.  definitely could have swung for the penthouse suite.  think we’ll have enough room out there?  ”

[builtofsin]

     “  it’s nice––a lot cleaner than i expected.  that’s a plus.  ”   @vampanik​

[builtofsin]

going on house arrest was the worst thing that could’ve happened to my writing muse, which you would think would be the opposite but nope, god forbid i have time to actually sit at home and do things and then suddenly my brain shuts the fuck off like a goddamn light switch 

[builtofsin]

vampanik​:

     so he  does  pay attention. that, and the sudden warmth of the kiss, is enough to keep simon from interrupting again. there’s a whole reel of emotion trying to play itself out behind jace’s silence, the slight dip of his frown, the quiet fullness of his mouth that always looks like a pout even when he’s not pouting. the more he says, the more it all makes sense; not just why shadowhunters as a whole are the way they are, but why  he  is. it’s sad: that’s the first word simon thinks of. it makes his chest hurt, heartbeat or no heartbeat.

     “ how do you earn the privilege to choose who you’re with? ”  it’s mostly rhetorical, because no answer would justify the unfairness of being outright denied that kind of free will. he shifts from a straddling position and drops beside him instead. propped up on one arm, reaching with the other to slip his hand under jace’s.  “ — you know all you have to do is tell me, right? if things are moving too fast, or if you’re just not ready for it, it’s cool. send me a text if that’s easier than talking, ‘cause, i mean, communication is great, but even i think talking kinda sucks sometimes. hard to believe, i know, ”  the corner of his mouth tics a little.  “ but seriously, man. you deserve to have a choice. and like, a life? nobody has to  earn  that. ”

     the mattress sinks beneath simon’s weight as he readjusts,  but jace keeps his focus pinned to the ceiling,  mulling over everything he had said.  it makes sense for him;  mundanes have always made their choices with reckless abandon,  putting their hearts before their heads.  shadowhunters don’t have that luxury.  the ones who do,  or at least the ones who have  tried,  find themselves in hot water,  facing write ups for insubordination or worse.   “  most of us believe our only choices are the ones that are the most beneficial to the clave.  if we fall out of order,  the downworld could erupt into chaos.  that’s why shadowhunter and downworlder relationships are rare.  they’ve happened before,  but ...  every time,  the clave has given the ultimatum of declaring a formal conflict of interest that prohibits any future political or personal engagement while on the field,  or––in their words––terminating all interrelationships.  ”   he finally turns his head to look at him.  his hand stays where it is,  but the endearment of his touch is a comfort.   “  it’s not that.  adapting is one of the  many  things i’m good at.  i just know what’s going to happen when this inevitably comes out.  ”

[mikaelsongifs]

LEGACIES, S04E07 Someplace Far Away From All This Violence

[builtofsin]

bowstringed​:

          “ and what do you think  started  that vendetta? it didn’t come out of nowhere. their side didn’t strike first, jace. ours did. ”  in a clipped and lowered tone, alec relays everything: the dormant gene, the lack of provocation, the hateful fear of something unknown. the body count. women and children, born and unborn. entire families — most of whom, at the time of their senseless deaths, were guilty of nothing more terrible than trying to survive. he only withholds mention of the herondales’ role, because he’s still figuring out how to navigate an explanation.  “ i’m not asking you to change your mind about them, ”  he finishes, grimacing.  “ but you can’t honestly believe that the clave was acting righteously, that by slaughtering innocent children they were somehow carrying out their duty to some higher principle. they  caused  this. if it wasn’t for them, there wouldn’t  be  a vendetta. ”

     his own bias is a poison,  and if there was even a shred of remorse jace had felt for them while listening to this narration of the past,  it’s shrouded underneath the thick spread of loathing that revealed itself to run a lot deeper than surface-level;  in his mind,  the clave made a hard call,  and if present circumstances were any indication,  the hard call was the right choice.   “  believe me,  i won’t.  ”   stubborn to a fault,  he tightens the fold of his arms and fixes alec with a look cut from stone.   “  if you expect me to side with you on this,  to side with  them  after what they did,  then you’re out of your mind.  i don’t care what  reasons  they have or what two-thousand year old grudge they’re holding onto.  do you  really  believe anyone but  you  is going to be willing to pardon them?  the best you can hope for is reform,  but even that’s a stretch.  they’re  murderers,  alec.  ”

[builtofsin]

vampanik​:

     “ okay, so talk me through it. what do i call her? do i say ‘your majesty,’ or do seelie monarchs use a whole other title? and what’s the etiquette on bowing down? is it like halfway, do i take a knee — oh, man, please tell me i don’t have to curtsy. ”  @builtofsin​

     “  what?  no,  you’re not saying or  doing  anything at all.  just let me do the talking and follow my lead.  this isn’t a joke,  simon.  the seelie realm is a very dangerous place,  and there’s always a chance that one or both of us won’t make it out alive.  or with all our limbs.  they’ll take my stele and all of my weapons the second we enter the queen’s court,  so keep that in mind.  ”

[builtofsin]

vampanik​:

    “weird gr— hold the phone, you mean relish? do you guys seriously not have condiments at the institute, like, at all? ‘cause now i’m getting incredibly concerned that they’re not feeding you  anything.  relish is pickled cucumber, not to be confused with actual pickles, and it tastes way better than it looks. especially on hot dogs. trust me.” don’t think the idea of an invite hadn’t occurred to him, but he thought he might have been jumping the gun a little. now, maybe not so much. now he just grins until the waitress is gone again. “iron pills. ‘cause they’ll just dissolve, right? anybody asks, i’ll just say it’s the only way i can get my meds to go down. probably a lot less awkward than trying to explain the other thing.”

     for a few seconds after that, simon just looks at him. it’s such a fleeting, innocent endearment, he’s hardly even aware of what he’s doing. then he smiles a little more and reaches for the straw that came with his water. he unwraps it, balls up the paper, and flicks it across the table at jace. “for the record,” both brows lift earnestly, “if that was your way of saying  yes  to one of my family dinners, i’m cool with it. hanukkah starts tomorrow and it’s an eight - day thing, so. plenty of time to decide. or totally freak out and say no at the last minute, whichever.”

     “  i know what  a pickle  is,  ”   but relish remained a mystery until now.   “  if this is your attempt to coerce me into eating a hot dog with  slime  on it,  i’ll just go ahead and tell you now that i’d probably start eating izzy’s cooking before i ever try one of  those.  ”   for a child raised on spaghetti and a nourishment rune alone,  jace was  incredibly  picky about his foods.  if it didn’t  look  at least halfway appetizing,  he never had an interest.   “  ––  exactly.  better than carrying a plastic dropper in your pocket,  unless you  want  to look like you got stabbed if it ever,  y’know,  explodes.  ”

     the wad of paper hits him in the center of his chest and drops into his lap where he looks down at it with an arched brow,  then back at simon.   “  depends on how family dinners usually go at your house,  ”   he’s fidgeting with the paper,  un-balling it and then folding it over and over until it shapes into a square.   “  maryse only cooked for us on special occasions or when we were sick,  and  most  of the conversations were centered around politics or our training.  it never got any more personal than that.  ”   he sets the paper on the table,  waits until he catches simon’s eye,  then flicks it back.  right into the very center of his forehead.  there’s a shimmer in his eye as he tries––and fails––to suppress a grin.   “  or how well you can handle them liking me more than you.  i have that effect.  ”

[builtofsin]

bowstringed​:

          “ — and they  won’t,  jace. ”  but that doesn’t make it easier to process. he brushes past the part about  crossing lines  because he has to; because that’s another door they don’t need to open, another argument they don’t need to have. alec folds his arms over his chest with the pull of another steadying breath.  “ there’s something else you need to know. not about that, ”  he adds, with a brief wave of his hand.  “ not about … not about us. it’s about what we found, in the silent brothers’ archives. jace, it’s — it’s worse than we thought. ”

     their trip to the silent city had left them with more questions than answers;  since the  attack,  he’d wordlessly left the burden of discovery to alec,  preferring to stay as far away from  them  as possible.  even now,  he has his reservations about the conversation.  his own personal  bias.    “  i’m not exactly seeing how anything could be worse than a legion of unstoppable bloodthirsty downworlders with a vendetta against the clave,  but go on.  ”

[builtofsin]

bowstringed​:

          boyfriend. he doesn’t get to react, preemptively chiding himself the impulse to do so. it’s not his place anymore; it never was. there’s the smallest turn of another frown as he lifts his left arm, bent at the elbow, to look at his own rune of angelic power. he doesn’t like the connotations there, but his arm lowers again with only a mildly disgruntled,  “ if anybody thinks that  that’s  what it is, i’ll gladly set them straight. ”  it’s a passing vexation. there and gone. he has the wine glass halfway raised when his breath leaves him in a startled exhale.  “ —  you  crafted it? you actually  made  that, for me? ”  his whole expression warms, feathering into the softest grin.  “ no one’s ever … — i was allowed to choose a bow from the armory, after my first rune ceremony, but that isn’t — ”  alec shifts close enough to cup his jaw and kisses him, full and tender.  “ … thank you. ”

     given the pair’s  prior  clandestine affairs,  alexander had expected a much different reaction from alec,  although isn’t displeased to see the opposite.  another sip of wine,  watching him from over the rim.   “  of that i have no doubt,  however i fail to see how that would be possible without unveiling the  truth  of what you are.  ”   his smile is an easy one,  soft around the corners as setting the glass down.   “  i had assumed so.  the bow you use seems very impersonalized ...  fit only for a soldier and nothing else.  ”   he returns the kiss as gentle and warm as it was given,  and then,   “  nema za shcho.  i’m happy that you’re pleased with it.  it is  far  from delicate,  so feel free to use it whenever you need.  ”

[builtofsin]

HOW DOES YOUR MUSE CARRY EMOTION?  /  VASYLKO

bold for general, italics for circumstantial.

ANGER:  jaw clenching,  hands balling into fists,  teeth grinding,  yelling,  going nonverbal,  stuttering speech,  rushed speech,  slow concise speech,  rambling,  quiet,  arms crossing,  shaking head,  tearing up,  animated,  expressionless,  projects,  internalizes,  vents,  withdraws,  tighter movements,  passive aggressive,  direct,  physical outbursts,  verbal outbursts.

JOY:  easy smiles,  fighting back grins,  suppressed laughter,  loud laughter,  giggles,  chuckling,  smirks,  whole body laughs,  covers mouth when laughing / giggling,  throws head back when laughing,  slaps leg,  touches people around them when laughing,  looks down when laughing,  looks for eye contact when laughing,  sparkling eyes,  bubbly happiness,  quiet subtle happiness,  obnoxious happiness,  wants to spread joy,  quietly savors joy.

SADNESS:  crying,  bottling it up,  seeks distractions,  wallows,  meditates and processes,  avoidance,  seeks out comfort,  withdraws,  swallowing thickly,  talks it out,  internalizes it,  sad smiles,  depression naps,  uses alcohol,  uses drugs,  seeks out sources of joy,  fidgets with sentimental item,  sits in silence,  broods,  gets moody,  wants someone to share the misery,  tries to hide negative emotions,  nurtures others to make themselves feel better.

EMBARRASSMENT / SHAME:  blushing,  looking away,  rubbing at back of head,  covering face,  laughing nervously,  laughs it off,  overthinks,  lets it go,  self deprecating humor,  deflects,  gets irritated,  smiles,  withdraws,  crossing arms over stomach,  crossing arms over chest,  hands in pockets,  shoulders sinking,  shrugs,  falling into silence until comfortable again,  talking a lot to compensate.

GUILT:  avoiding eye contact,  shoulders sinking low,  head hanging down,  crying,  chest aches,   lashes out,  internalizes,  apologizes,  deflects,  communicates,  withdraws,  grand gestures for forgiveness,  accepts fault easily,  punishes themselves,  martyrdom,  victim complex,  over - active guilt complex,  healthy conscience,  internalizes even after forgiveness,  seeking redemption,  moves on easily,  denial,  lack of guilt / conscience,  sorry they got caught more than caused harm,  can’t handle knowing they hurt others.

FEAR / ANXIETY:  trembling,  crying,  sarcasm / sass to cope,  rambles,  goes silent,  gets angry,  fidgeting,   impatience,  clenching jaw,  picking at nails,  chewing at lip,  pulling at clothes,  adjusting jewelry / clothing,  swallowing thickly,  eyes widening,  overreacts,  under - reacts,  calm,  logical,  panic,  irrational,  overthinks,  careful analysis,  talks to themselves,  breathing exercises,  flight,  fight,  withdraw,  fawn.