(•ᵥᵥ•)

priv. simon lewis. canon divergent. don't follow.

[vampanik]

i look worse, i know. don’t worry. / clary

     " ‘don’t worry’? are you kidding? clary — c’mon, how long have you known me? all i freaking  do  is worry. like, uh, remember in the third grade, when i wanted to drop out of hebrew school because arnie friedman kept ragging on me? and i didn’t wanna tell my mom or the rabbi ‘cause snitches end up in ditches? you remember what you said to me? you said, ‘don’t worry.’ you said he was just a stupid, jealous bully, and he was eventually gonna get bored and move on, and then the next time i went, he tied my shoelaces together so i tripped and broke my glasses and  everybody  laughed? you remember that? ”

     “ simon, ”  she’s admonishing, but gently,  “ that is  so  not — ”

     “ — not the same thing? yeah, no, you’re totally right. it’s not. ‘cause this is way more important. i could replace my glasses. i can’t replace my best friend. so i’m not gonna stop worrying, not until i know you’re okay. maybe not even then. suck it up, fray — i’m your number one worrier, for life. get used to it. ”

prompt / @builtofsin

[notmorbid]

the death of vivek oji.

dialogue prompts from the death of vivek oji by akwaeke emezi.

children never really change, no matter how much they grow up.

i’d give anything to see ___ like that, just one more time.

what do you do when you’re not allowed to be angry at god?

i’m not what they think i am. i never was.

if nobody sees you, are you really there?

it’s raining inside me.

if you don’t want to help me, then leave me alone.

i was afraid you’d be disappointed in me.

thank you for not treating me like they treat me.

i always wanted a girl, you know?

when you’re hiding something, don’t cover it with something weak. it’ll blow away.

you need to protect your secrets better.

why are you so afraid? because something is different than what you know?

i’m disappointed. i didn’t think you’d be one of these closed-minded people.

i don’t even care. i’m going to sleep. do what you like.

stop trying to fix me. just stop.

you always have to watch the sensitive ones.

what am i staying here for?

some people can’t see softness without wanting to pet it.

does it feel good, to not lie anymore?

i look worse, i know. don’t worry.

i’m angry because you abandoned me. you just threw me away.

we haven’t been children for a long time.

i just wanted to talk to someone who would understand.

you’re safe. it’s just me. it’s just you and me.

i’m not going to break, you know?

you don’t need to be so afraid.

if you don’t tell anyone, is it even real?

do you believe in reincarnation?

who are we to decide what’s impossible?

i know you love me. why won’t you say it out loud?

how long have you been lying to me about this?

we have to tell the truth. it’s time.

eventually, secrets come out. it’s only a matter of time.

you’re putting on music? this late?

i would never have hurt you. not in a thousand years.

i only wanted to protect you.

love and guilt sometimes taste the same, you know?

[dailyalbertorosende]

Fragile world by Alberto Rosende reached 2M views on Youtube.  You can find the song on Itunes, Spotify and Youtube.

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  you’re pretty good at  leeching  all of mine.  ”   he pulls him in by the shirt to kiss him with a smile,   “  ––  ironic,  all things considered.  ”

     the backpack slung over his shoulder slips off and hits the floor, kicked aside so he can press in closer.  “ again with the backhanded compliments. we really need to work on that. ”

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  i’m sure we’ll find a way to keep things hot.  jacuzzi tub,  remember?  ”

     “ right, we’ll just thaw you out. body heat’s usually a good preventative, but — you know. i don’t have any. which is still so,  so  weird to say. ”

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  ––  balcony’s kinda small,  though.  definitely could have swung for the penthouse suite.  think we’ll have enough room out there?  ”

     “ i think there’s only one way to find out. although i might’ve gotten a little too ambitious and neglected the fact that it’s december and you might die of hypothermia, so that’s something to consider. ”

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  it’s nice––a lot cleaner than i expected.  that’s a plus.  ”   @vampanik​

     “ not too shabby, right? oh, and i also triple - checked with the front desk to confirm that the bathtub  is,  in fact, a jacuzzi. ”

[meliorn]

I just assume that pretty much everyone’s slept with Jace at this point. It’s only a matter of time before I sleep with him myself, I guess.

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  what?  no,  you’re not saying or  doing  anything at all.  just let me do the talking and follow my lead.  this isn’t a joke,  simon.  the seelie realm is a very dangerous place,  and there’s always a chance that one or both of us won’t make it out alive.  or with all our limbs.  they’ll take my stele and all of my weapons the second we enter the queen’s court,  so keep that in mind.  ”

     “ — really, your stele too? so much for winning the next downworld popularity contest, i guess. no, i’m — um, i’m taking it seriously. i am. i kinda like my limbs,  and  yours, and i’d like for them to stay where they are. and while letting you do the talking sounds great in theory, i talk a lot when i’m nervous? so if we could ease up a little on the doomsday stuff and maybe toss in the occasional  but it’s gonna be fine! we’ve got this!  my crippling anxiety would appreciate it, ‘cause right now, just based on vibes alone, i feel like we’re meeting with emperor palpatine. ”

[vampanik]

     “ okay, so talk me through it. what do i call her? do i say ‘your majesty,’ or do seelie monarchs use a whole other title? and what’s the etiquette on bowing down? is it like halfway, do i take a knee — oh, man, please tell me i don’t have to curtsy. ”  @builtofsin​

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     jace kisses him then,  partly to shut him up but mostly because he doesn’t know how  else  to say that this is something he  does  want to do,  so he shows him instead with hopes that it’ll be enough.  that his point comes across without diversion.   “  i know.  one parent,  one sister,  and one bubbie helen from poland.  ”   one arm moves to drape over his abdomen,  the other resting behind his head.  his gaze only drops once,  to watch simon’s hands fidget with his shirt,  a light pull at his hemline with no real motive;  he uses that time to think before he says anything.  what he wants to believe and what his father had conditioned him to believe were like two separate entities,  one always trying to overshadow the other.   “  …  yeah.  i guess.  but the mundane world and our world are––different.  we don’t have family dinners or go on  dates.  half of the shadowhunters you see in  relationships  met their other half on mission,  and the rest do it for honor.  we were always taught that our  duty  comes first  ––  and the time in between for anything else isn’t a necessity,  or a requirement.  it’s a privilege that we have to earn.  ”

     so he  does  pay attention. that, and the sudden warmth of the kiss, is enough to keep simon from interrupting again. there’s a whole reel of emotion trying to play itself out behind jace’s silence, the slight dip of his frown, the quiet fullness of his mouth that always looks like a pout even when he’s not pouting. the more he says, the more it all makes sense; not just why shadowhunters as a whole are the way they are, but why  he  is. it’s sad: that’s the first word simon thinks of. it makes his chest hurt, heartbeat or no heartbeat.

     “ how do you earn the privilege to choose who you’re with? ”  it’s mostly rhetorical, because no answer would justify the unfairness of being outright denied that kind of free will. he shifts from a straddling position and drops beside him instead. propped up on one arm, reaching with the other to slip his hand under jace’s.  “ — you know all you have to do is tell me, right? if things are moving too fast, or if you’re just not ready for it, it’s cool. send me a text if that’s easier than talking, ‘cause, i mean, communication is great, but even i think talking kinda sucks sometimes. hard to believe, i know, ”  the corner of his mouth tics a little.  “ but seriously, man. you deserve to have a choice. and like, a life? nobody has to  earn  that. ”

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  dinner?  what dinner?  ”   hanukkah.  december sixth.   “  ––  right,  no,  yeah.  i told you i’d be there,  so i’ll be there,  ”   and he’ll worry about which suit to wear and whether he should  bring  anything apart from his dazzling charm later;  right now,  his focus is on the strain,  the friction,  and the fact this conversation isn’t even close to being over.   “  clary’s  date  is british and saw us  making out  like you were about to bend me over the bar,  so,  i’d say that was a safe assumption for him to make.  there’s nothing  going on,  simon,  this is just …  it’s new,  alright?  i don’t know how to  date  someone and i’ve never––done  this.  met someone’s parents,  or went to restaurants to actually  eat  there.  i’ve never been  that  guy.   ”

     “ i know what you  told  me, but there’s a difference between doing it out of obligation and doing it because you actually  want  to, and that’s — ”  he has to remind himself to shut up, to listen instead of spin out, so he shuts up. he listens. there’s still a frown worrying the crease between his brows, still a nagging feeling like jace isn’t telling him something. but the rest of it tracks. at face value, anyway, which is more than enough to make him feel bad for putting him on the spot like this to begin with.  “ ... technically, you’d only be meeting one parent. ”  a threadbare quip if he’s ever made one. letting go of his wrists, he sits back instead to straddle him.  “ sorry. i get it, okay? i get why you’d think this was some ... like, totally life - altering, earth - shattering thing, but it doesn’t have to be. dating is just — ”  he fidgets with the hem of jace’s shirt.  “ i mean, yeah, sometimes it’s meeting the family and eating at restaurants, and sometimes it’s picking up lube at two o’clock in the morning, but it’s not like this comes with a singular set of instructions. i just, i think if you can find somebody that you wanna do  all  that stuff with — you know, the restaurants, and the emergency lube runs, and everything else — i think that’s worth taking at least  half  a chance on, right? ”

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  chuck wepner,  ”   he corrects,  bouncing up on the balls of his feet to keep the adrenaline flooding hot,   “  rocky balboa isn’t  real,  and wepner wasn’t mundane,  ”   there’s a fiery glint in his eyes,  a curl at the corners of his mouth that doesn’t drop even as his back hits the floor;  if anything,  it only broadens.  he might have been impressed if not for having already anticipating the counterattack,  surrendering to it as though simon finally had the upper-hand.   “  which i guess,  now,  ”   he leverages his weight,  pushing forward to jump upright and make for his center gravity.  they both hit the floor,  and from there it’s a power play that ends with jace on his back,  legs hooked behind the bends of simon’s knees and one forearm braced at his throat.   “  ––  means you really  do  have the advantage.  but hey,  pro-tip?  ”   using that lock he has behind his thighs,  he flips them over so that  he’s  on top,  keeping simon pinned beneath his arm.   “  if you’re not  winning,  you’re not trying  hard enough.  ”

     “ yeah, wiseass, but that  quote  was in — wait, what do you mean he wasn’t a mund— ”  nope. there it is. confidence for point - three seconds and jace has him locked, flipped, and pinned. ceding the advantage, for now, simon lets the back of his head thud against the floor and narrows his eyes.  “ go back to the other thing. how do you not know what  star wars  is, but you know chuck freakin’ wepner isn’t a mundane? what the hell is he, then? seriously, if you guys have, like, a  list  of celebrity downworlders, i’m gonna need to see it. like today.  also, ”  twisting jace’s forearm with one hand, the other shoots out to catch him by the throat and drag him down to kiss him.  “ — if you wanted to screw me like this so bad, all you had to do was say so. communication, man. that’s one skill you really suck at. ”

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  s––seriously,  this is what you want to talk about?  right now?  i didn’t think  you’d  be the first to complain about getting laid this much.  can you just––  ”   trying to wriggle his wrists free doesn’t work,  and rutting forward doesn’t  help  much of anything.   “  who’s ‘everybody else’?  alec?  ”

     “ right now seems like a pretty great time, yeah. if we set a place for you at dinner tomorrow night and you don’t show, man, i promise you, you’re never gonna recover from that. ”  he holds firm, only vaguely surprised that it’s working.  “ alec, clary, clary’s  date,  apparently, and — oh, did i mention me? ‘cause we had this talk. like, twice. and it’s like every time we go forward, you flip out and backpedal. but i think there’s more to it than just first time jitters, which are — actually totally normal, and not why we’re doing this. so, tell me. what’s going on with you? ”

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  hurt … ?  what makes you think you can’t feed without hurting someone?  ”   her gaze shifts from simon to the bartender,  whom she offers the sweetest smile.  far less imposing than her  brothers  have been in the past.  one of them had to get their good looks and charm from their father;  she’ll proudly stake that claim.   “  mm …  i’m pretty sure the worst vampire  ever  is the one whose fangs were taken for trophies before it was outlawed by the accords,  and you’re not that guy.  trust me,  i’ve met him.  it’s sad.  ”

     " paranoia, mostly. plus i’m still new at this, so my mundane conscience likes to do a lot of backseat driving. ”  that, and it’s a loaded question; even simon knows better than to get anywhere near the firing pin. she isn’t setting off any alarm bells, but he isn’t listening for any. or maybe he’s just too easily distracted. the look on his face morphs into outright horror.  “ wait. trophies, like — ? like  serial killers  keep trophies? like ed gein making skin furniture,  put the lotion in the basket  kind of trophies? that was really a thing? how, uh ... how long ago did that stop being a thing? ”

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  wh––why did you stop?  what are you doing?  ”   /  @vampanik

     “ what am i doing right  now,  or what am i doing here at 3 AM again? ‘cause i was actually wondering about that, myself. i was wondering why we’re strictly back to  booty call hours  even though everybody else seems to think we’re actually a thing. any input on that? ”

[vampanik]

builtofsin​:

     “  join the club.  relationships are  not  for the faint of heart,  providing you still have one  ––  but i guess if this  lucky guy  is anything like you and i,  you’ll have an eternity together to figure it out.  à votre santé.  ”   testing the waters is about as much as she can do without giving herself away entirely.   “  ––  oh?  you know,  i could never get behind  vegetarianism.  willfully depriving your body of what it needs is  masochism  if i’ve ever heard of it.  but,  to each their own.  in  that  case,  i’ll have whatever you’re having.  makes it easier on both of us,  don’t you think?  ”

     she means  immortal,  and jace definitely isn’t. simon isn’t keen on the reminder. he’s more surprised that he understands the french; shoutout to that menacing duolingo owl. “— l’chaim,” he counters, like the rest of it didn’t faze him, and there’s a momentary break in conversation to order two customary shots. “hey, c’mon, it’s not that bad. i still drink the good stuff. medical grade, organic — only difference is nobody gets hurt, which is kind of a moral imperative for me. i know, i know,” a dramatic sigh with no genuine chagrin, “worst vampire ever, right? it’s cool. you can say it.”