[last-picture-show]

Andrei Tarkovsky, Polaroid from the Book Instant Light

[builtonfaultsx]

You tell me

How the nurses cried

Because you tried to slit your own throat

Because they understood why you’d do that

Because you bled through so many towels and countless tshirts

Before a doctor had to stop the blood flow with their finger in your neck

And I listen carefully to your recount

But it sounds like you are commenting on the weather

A commonplace thing

Nothing out of the ordinary

And I think I’m going insane

[builtonfaultsx]

I’ve been having dreams again about you. It’s been years. I don’t know why now. Maybe something is coming. I wake up every morning with a different song stuck on a loop in my head. There’s now a playlist. It’s 11:44pm and I don’t want to shut my eyes and feel your presence again. Something is wrong.

[builtonfaultsx]

Amen, I’m checking out

[builtonfaultsx]

The irony isn’t lost on me that I spent the vast majority of my 20s wishing I could scrub my brain clean to escape my own vicious thoughts, only to inadvertently get my wish in quite an unexpected manner.

Everything used to be a lot sharper. I definitely used to be a lot more articulate. It’s kinda peaceful, kinda scary now that everything is dull. I think I just stacked trauma until there was too much to think about and I forgot to hold on to any of it. I used to say ‘everything I’ve ever tried to let go of has claw marks’, as a sort of mantra. The opposite is true now. Everything just slips through.

Regardless, I have an unusual amount of surveillance now. They look at my brain twice a year and I find it ironic that what I wished very hard to erase somehow became the central focus for everyone involved. Every 6 months I have to hope my brain is fine and it hasn’t continued to wage a war on itself without my knowledge. It’s a strange place to be.

[builtonfaultsx]

You lose ‘em how you got ‘em. Or however that adage goes. I’m the proverbial thorn in your side.

[as-deep-as-the-sea]

“I don’t want to be a burden” you’re more like a relief, a gift, a blessing actually

[transgayaccount]

“i dont want to be a burden” dude i found the point of it all thanks to you. i realised the joy of existing is doing so with you bro

[dalniente]

"i don't want to be a burden" you're worth carrying. i don't care if you'd be worth it to you; you're worth it to me. i smile every time i think of you. and buddy you're just gonna have to figure out how to cope w that <3

[yamitamiko]

"I don't want to be a burden" human hands and arms and hearts are made for carrying.

[sivavakkiyar]

posting is like bloodletting

[eldesvandesheyenne]

[builtonfaultsx]

13/09/25. An update. I don’t really know where I’m at anymore. Rarely are there any sharps edges now, just the occasional pang of discomfort if an unexpected thought drifts close enough to the surface. There is no raw emotion left, nothing more to dredge up, every part was picked over ad nauseam long ago.

I feel so different now. I’m certain memories won’t stick like they used to. Mostly I just float through each day, I go through the motions, I do what’s necessary so I won’t sound the alarm. Nothing really touches me.

My body and brain, physically and mentally, will inevitably decline at a rate that has me at an unfair disadvantage. It’s a matter of fact, I’m at the mercy of whatever my own body decides is the next move. I guess I don’t have the energy to have big feelings, not anymore. Just auto pilot. Self-preservation that comes from the human instinct to maintain the will to live, not from any kind of interest in actually living.

It both makes perfect sense and no sense at all.

[builtonfaultsx]

There are whole days where I feel I’ve been split in two. Mostly it’s just embarrassing.

[builtonfaultsx]

I can hardly remember a thing.

A couple of professionals have weighed in thus far:

1. It might be your brain trying to eat itself again (not her exact words). Another, more specialised professional will have to confirm if this is the case.

2. Sometimes, temporarily, the brain stops laying down memories in the permanent place wherein you can call on them when you need them. This is because your brain believes it has more pressing tasks at hand (arguably misguided in my case).

Things I have learned from this:

Not much. I’ll just continue to float, with a very loose grip on reality.

[humanoidhistory]

Total eclipse of the Sun, July 1860, illustrated by astronomer Warren de la Rue.

[builtonfaultsx]

February ‘24. I’ve got bigger concerns; like the disease that’s threatening to slowly disable my limbs. But regardless, I barely think of you at all. Probably only partially due to the brain damage, I’m sure.

[builtonfaultsx]

No moon no clouds quiet forever

[daily-spooky]

[gacougnol]

Wanda Wulz

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