I was in Korea, it was winter, and it was so cold, I don't think I've ever had to bear such weather again in my life. Not even dawn, in line to see Jjong perform with Taeyeon their new song. My feet were so cold that I didn't think I could do it. For a hour, before going in, I thought "why am I doing this?" I considered going home, where it was warm, and then go to school as I would have done normally. But once... just once, I wanted to see Jjong sing that song. See him alone. Support him properly.
Around nine in the morning, they let us go in. We weren't many - they never let a lot of people into music shows - and I was close. I remember the emotion. Of seeing Jjong so, so small, on stage, in front of me. I kept thinking about how adorable he was, pocket-sized! And that he looked tired. Maybe he hadn't slept that night? It wouldn't have been the first time, and which idol sleeps during comeback period, anyway? We asked him if he had had breakfast, and he said not yet. He seemed almost shy while answering us, but he smiled at us. A small smile. A small, exhausted smile.
Before entering, they gave us the light-stick in the picture. The first time I saw it, I wondered why should I use a light-stick that looks like the electric candles you light in churches, instead of my beautiful pearl aqua SHINee one?Today, it's the only memory I have of that one time, when I've had the honor and I was so lucky to see Jjong perform without the other SHINee members. I shouldn't even have it. To be honest, I should have given it back when leaving the venue, but I didn't think about it and I left through another door, without realizing that I had to give it back. So I kept it. And I brought it back to Italy with me, together with other memories.
Today, the fact that it looks so much like a church electric candle seems ironic. We all knew that Jjong suffered from depression, that he suffered chronic insomnia, but we were used to it. It wasn't a illness he could heal from anymore. It was just a side of his personality. If Jjong wrote only sad songs it was normal. If Jjong said he felt lonely it was normal. We knew. We all knew. But, the truth is, we knew absolutely shit.
I stare at this light-stick and I realize how little I used it. How little it shined when it should have. Four years later, I use it for a memorial that doesn't even have enough pictures of the person I want to remember. Four years later, I light it up for a star that doesn't shine anymore. Now that it's late to use it, it almost seems like it was created just for this moment. Kind of like a devastating warning for the future.
And how many warnings have passed in front of us without us recognizing them for what they were? How many s.o.s. has Jjong sent us, without us realizing? I know that the light-stick is just coincidence, I'm not that superstitious, but the signs, the real ones, why haven't we been able to recognize them for what they were? Despite all the time we had. He tried to resist for so long... Everything he did tells us that he wanted to reach SHINee's 10th year. He wanted to give us that last satisfaction. Because he loved us. Us fans, the other members... he wanted to give us all the time he could. And we didn't see it. We didn't get the meaning of his tattoos, we didn't get his silence, nor his words. How many times did he tell us that he felt lonely? How many times did he tell us that he was unhappy? He even told us that he suffered from seasonal depression. And I know, depression can't be cured with love, but it's hard not to think that I could have done more. And I think it's the same for all the people who loved him and are left behind.
Every time he assured us, at the end of concerts, that SHINee would always be 5... I always thought that he wanted to reassure us, but now I wonder if he said it to reassure himself. Every time he cried like there was no tomorrow... isn't it ironic? "Like there was no tomorrow." Every time he managed to tell us that SHINee would always be 5... now I wonder if it wasn't his way to tell himself "you worked hard," "today too you did it," "we are still 5." And it doesn't matter if he couldn't do it anymore. For every singe time he managed to tell us with his own mouth, for every time he resisted, I want to thank him. For every single second he gave us. Even if he couldn't resist as long as he wished to.
You worked hard, Jjong. You did your best. We will always love you. And we'll miss you so much.
My SHINee will always be 5.
So I won't say goodbye to you, because to me, you'll always be here. In that void you left, I know there is still that part of you that would have wanted to stay. And that's how I want to remember you. Wishing that wherever you are, you can sleep without demons.
