perhaps a question is really just a wish

Icha 30yo/she/her/[EN/FR] Stuff here: GBF rambles, A3 news updates, professional overthinker. Multifandom: *GBF*A3*DGM*FFVII*DA* /About/

[icharchivist]

both tags were found on @crimsonphantasmagoria and i was too tempted to do Sao with them.

A Song For Every Letter:

under the cut + aesthetics template:

S- Seven- Sleeping at Last

How nice it'd be if we could try everything? I'm serious, let's make a list and just begin What about danger? So what? What about risk? Let's climb this mountain before we cross that bridge! 'Cause I'm restless For whatever comes next I feel hope deep in my bones Tomorrow will be beautiful

A- All That You Are - Lost Ember Soundtrack

Believe in your destiny's hand And fly to the skies from your land The land that you roam in times gone and far The land that you love and all that you are

O- OTHER WORLDS THAN THESE - Starset

Is it all an oddity? Are we flakes of empty dust, spinning on a ball of rust? Maybe But the light is ours to see You had eyes, but sewed them shut But that feeling in your gut won't fade Is it all a tragedy? Are we flashes in a rut going in and out of luck? Maybe But the answers will not change even when they're covered up All these questions in your gut won't fade

B- Back to Earth - Starset

And the world pulled me high Far above wicked skies Set me free, Set alive I become Satellite Isolated, I succumb to the weight of the world Separated, I fall from the sky Is this death or rebirth? Falling back to the Earth

L- Let Us Burn - Within Temptation

Now darkness has come to the roses. The fire is reaching the end The colours that I have created are suddenly flying away I'm not fighting myself, will not follow 'Cause my choices are mine, it's my fate And I'll never bow down from the sorrow I'll face all that is coming my way Denying the devil of silence Embracing the world on the edge

O- OUTLAW- Neoni

If I'm being honest I've always been a renеgade You say I'm lawless 'Cause I quеstion the things that you say Quiet, quiet, you're gonna start a riot Back down for nothing Don't forget I'm here to stay

S- Shed My Skin - Within Temptation

I know Heaven is not my home I feel like I'm choking and I'm playing their game Oh, I can't hold on to yesterday I cannot hold on, cannot hold on No matter how deep we're falling, for our calling Can't look back 'cause it leads me to nowhere What is awaiting, I'll embrace it In the end, all I know, I have to face it When hearts asunder

S- Sleep Alone - Two Door Cinema Club

He sleeps alone He needs no army where he's headed 'cause he knows That they're just ghosts And they can't hurt him if he can't see them, oh And I may go To places I have never been to justify The deepest desires in my mind

O- One - Sleeping at Last

But the list goes on forever Of all the ways I could be better, in my mind As if I could earn God's favor given time Or at least "congratulations" … Now, I have learned my lesson; The price of this so-called perfection is everything I've spent my whole life searching desperately To find out that grace requires nothing of me

M- Mercy - OneRepublic

Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? Where did you read my story? Pulled from the papers, desperate and hardened Seeking a momentary fix All I wanted to say, all I wanted to do, has fallen apart now All I wanted to feel, I wanted to love, it's all my fault now A tragedy, I fear Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me? Why am I on my feet again?

[orteil42]

given the current climate this pride especially i feel i must mention that i love my trans friends, i stand with trans people in the fight against transphobic legislation and those who would enforce it, and this blog is not a good place for you to be if you do not vibe with that

[icharchivist]

As i mentioned of course there was this switch earlier for Sao of seeing Revenge consuming Nidhogg and learning from Estinien's way to grow past it to figure out she didn't want to live in revenge.

and now Haurchefant is dead and the ones to blame are obvious, yet she is trying to see it as Justice. She doesn't want her rancor to be the only thing driving her (especially with how terrified she is that it would spill on how she sees Aymeric).

But also i think the whole incident makes her desire to end the Archbishop's plans even more personal. So far she has been driven by how grateful she was to the Fortemps, her desire to learn the truth, the projection of her own need for revenge ect... But this is even more personal.

Because she doesn't want Haurchefant's death to have been in vain. If she has to tear herself from the regrets of how it happened because they followed Aymeric's heart, believing that the Truth matters, then she has to embrace it even more. She won't rest until peace is back in Ishgard, until the truth is revealed and Ishgard has been working to atone. There's no changing the past, so she will walk down the path that was drawn from Haurchefant's sacrifice and won't rest until the goal her friend died for has come to be.

It's the only way she can cope with the regrets, with the grief howlering inside of her, the blame and the guilt. There's no stopping now. She'll see this to an end even if it's the last thing she does.

[icharchivist]

Alphinaud: think nothing of it! Sao in silence half spiraling wondering if she hates Aymeric now: yeag 👍

[icharchivist]

you speak to my soul my friend

[icharchivist]

and here's back to her lilies. Her sign of mourning.

[icharchivist]

post The Vault feelings:

👍 this is fine

[icharchivist]

anyway so i've been thinking about Haurchefant's romantic feelings for the WoL and the way Sao feels about it.

I've been trying to think about what would be the most devastating. Obviously "having a little crush on him" is high on the list, "not being interested at all" has its layer of drama, anything is too good for this.

but I think i nailed what i wanted for Sao and something that follows her arc so far re: losing herself in this role of savior.

Sao met Haurchefant right after the Vesper Bay Massacre, when she was still catatonic with grief. Physically and Mentally she was able to deal rationally with the threat that plagued Haurchefant at the time, but emotionally she was sad, numb, disconnected. She hadn't fully set on how the only possible path for her was to be Always There As A Savior (it's especially devoting herself to helping out in Coerthas that eventually settled for her that "if a massacre happens when i'm not here to save people, then it means i must save people harder and never have a moment of rest"), so she was still... disconnected from her own feelings. Numb from the pain.

And as Haurchefant's crush grew, Sao was just too focused on everything else. Saving her fellow Scions, knowing Thancred was in major danger and wanting to save him, dismantling the Empire's hold on Eorzea... She had no more room to think about how she would feel about anything. She was tunel focused on her goal, how she could save the most people as possible.

Haurchefant's kindness was always a relief. Knowing he was this unconditional about supporting her, that he was always cheerful and upbeat, it gave her strength.

There was the whole Shiva drama where she risked her life against another primal, where she was starting to doubt the Ishgardian position due to Ysayle. There, Moenbryda's experiments were her priorities, as well as the Doma's situation, she didn't have time to think about it all.

The only moments she started to suspect something about the way Haurchefant was treating her was when the Scions mentioned he had a soft spot for her, and when Aymeric mentioned Haurchefant being panicked when she went on to fight Shiva. But even though, she wasn't processing what it could mean.

After Moenbryda's death, she didn't have time to think back on how she may feel - in fact part of her was thinking how she felt didn't matter as long as she was still able to help people as much as possible. She was seriously neglecting herself emotionally speaking, she wasn't exactly giving thoughts to her deeper feelings.

And then the next time she gets to see Haurchefant it's after the Banquet Betrayal. She's angry, she's focused on this feeling of betrayal, on being a rock for Alphinaud who's collapsing. Haurchefant's help was a light in the darkness. She didn't question what it was, what it meant.

And her time in Ishgard was colored by those exact feelings.

In short, she never was in an emotional situation where she could actually process the way Haurchefant was showing he cared about her. She was always numbed, distracted, neglecting herself for her big desire to save everyone. It didn't occur to her that someone could like her for herself, that someone would love her this deeply.

And when he dies, she doesn't process it either. He died to protect her. Because he couldn't bear the thought of losing her. She's too sad to process the nature of those feelings. Her heart is breaking because the one friend who had always been her light in the dark is fading away. The meaning behind Haurchefant's words ellude her except that she knows he trusted her deeply and wanted her safe, just like she trusted him deeply and wanted him safe.

I think it's only... a long time after the death that she gets to agonize over it. Over why he did that. Over how he behaved with her until that point.

And she honestly doesn't know how she feels for him because now every thoughts of him is colored by grief. Had she not been going through tragedies when she met with him, would she have felt the same? would she have just found it annoying? would she have even noticed? she doesn't know. She can't think back to an innocent time where she could have known.

Now any thoughts of Haurchefant comes with a massive heartbreak. A gap in her chest she doesn't manage to fill that just provoke tears. It overtakes any possible feelings.

He was a dear friend, and he died for her because he loved her. She doesn't even know if her heart is screaming because she loved him too or just because he was her dear friend.

A tragedy of being unable to know for sure. If he had lived, if they kept building their relationships, maybe she would have fell in love as well. Like her heart was guarded under locks and keys everytime they met, never giving it a chance to be beating at all. It could have been different. She could have loved him.

But now she will never know. Now the pain is too strong for her to really be sure.

He was her friend. His death has broken her heart fully. She doesn't know how that heart felt about him.

And that will haunt her for the rest of her development.

*rubs hands* this feels tragic enough for me. It's even worse than having been in love. An "Almost" she can never properly get an answer on. The feeling of having failed him there as well. Pure misery.

Now that feels right.

[icharchivist]

anyway character thoughts as i'm processing all of this

I think Haurchefant's death takes over everything that has been a turmoil in Sao's head.

I Hc'ed that after the Banquet Betrayal of the Crystal Braves she had mostly been angry. She held on to that anger and this bitterness when it was only Alphinaud, Tataru and her.

She couldn't break then, she had to be strong, because Alphinaud was falling apart. Later Alphinaud mentions that Sao remaining strong is what helped him going through it and she knew she made the right choice pushing her despair away and ignoring her feelings.

The Loss of the Scions still affected her but she's determined with ignoring any possibility that isn't them being fine. She's repressing hard. But it kept her going.

So she focused her anger on what happened, on the Lords of Ul'dah, on Ilbert, on the Crystal Braves who betrayed them.

But in all of that Haurchefant was the one giving her strength. Him offering, unconditionally, to help out the way he did, was the one reason she didn't fall completely apart. So she was glad to do what she could for Ishgard, for him.

I don't think she was ever like. aware that he had romantic feelings for her. She was so much in survival mode, so bitter and angry, yet thankful to him, that she didn't process it at all. If anything it showed her his support has always been genuine.

But anyway so the Ul'dah plot became... such a mess. She's still mad at the Crystal Braves but everything just made her frustrated instead of angry. All of this pain and suffering and the Scions disappearing only because they were some pawns in a political game and they have no say in it? frustrating.

By that time she had already involved herself too much with Ishgard and acquainted herself with Estinien and Ysayle. Estinien was already someone she wanted to save from himself, from his revenge, and felt like she failed him when she met him. But instead seeing Estinien and Ysayle especially put their different aside, the scope of the betrayal that surrounds the history of Ishgard, and especially seeing Estinien being able to reevaluate by himself what his revenge meant in all of that, comparing his drive for revenge to Nidhogg's ...

I think it made her realize for real she didn't want to live like this. To look for revenge while she should look for justice. for truth. to protect others in the future, from what could happen, from the past that lingers. She's also heavily inspired by Ysayle's search for peace. for compromise.

That Aymeric wanted to be able to discuss it with the Holy See, while it felt like a losing battle, was admirable in sort. But they had to clean up the mess.

And all of that leading to Haurchefant's death....

That he died to protect her. She thinks she should have been the one protecting others. It's another failure on her part. Even if Haurchefant's convinctions were at play here. She can't process it when she should have been the one protecting him, not the other way around.

That it was because someone wanted her dead, again. That the more she gets powerful the more her friends get in danger. Might or might not lead to some emotional self isolation because of that so, careful grounds here.

And that Haurchefant died with a smile because she was smiling at him, because a smile better fits a hero. This is going to traumatize her into smiling all the time to cover her pain. So far i didn't hc that she was doing that much, if she was moody she would look moody. But from then on she will always try to put on the mask of the hero, smiling as brightly as she can, even when she's breaking apart.

Now more than ever she has to be strong. Now, also, i think she may actually start to think the Scions are in real danger of dying, which she was in denial about. Now she expects the worst. She's terrified.

There's anger still, against the person who killed Haurchefant especially, against the Holy See. That this whole lie to keep the war going was what they were fighting against, what they were targetted for, and she can't forgive them.

But she wants justice. She doesn't want just senseless new violence adding to more violence.

I think about it bc of this

because no matter how vengeful i see her, i can't pick the second option. I think she learnt from seeing Estinien's growth regarding Nidhogg. It's time to take the problem at its roots.

And honestly if she starts to really blame people... she might start to blame Aymeric. And she doesn't want to do that. But the fact is that his naivety, his desire to believe his father would listen to him, was why they all had to come and free him. A part of her wonders if Haurchefant would have died if Aymeric didn't take this needless risk.

But Aymeric is as broken up about her than she is. She can't do that to him. She can't blame him when she knows he has tried to act from this desire from peace, the very one desire for parley she had tried to do with the dragons, that she had admired with Ysayle.

So part of her is like... if she unleashes her anger against the people who hurt Haurchefant, she knows it will spill and start to affect Aymeric, who led to this whole thing.

So instead of blaming all the little pawns in it, she wants to focus on the big picture. The whole issue wouldn't have happened had the Holy See not perpetuated that lie. if the Holy See didn't have the power to dispose of anyone standing in their way.

Plus, the Holy See using Primal powers and it being what killed Haurchefant makes it even more personal. She's the primal slayer of sort. It's her responsibility to get rid of this. And Haurchefant died from it. For him, for her fellow Scions, she has to carry on her duty.

But she regulates her desire for justice now. While at the start of HW she didn't know what was justice and what was vengeance anymore, now i think she's settled in her mind.

And the sadness of losing Haurchefant overtakes the anger she has been feeling since the betrayal.

Now it's dealing with Ishgard that becomes her priority. For her friend's sake.

And she will take the wrong lesson from "a smile better suits a hero" by just totally adopting a smiling mask to become the fearless hero that will protect everyone, and she shall never break. or rather, never show it when she breaks.

Anyway 👍 fun

[icharchivist]

it still pretty much holds up but i'm adding a bit of angst to it.

While i do stand by her trying not to blame Aymeric for the reasons i said, i want it to be hard for her. She's trying so hard not to blame Aymeric but every once in a while the thought worms itself in.

She would so willingly take the blame for herself. In fact she's trying to erase how much she blames Aymeric by blaming herself more and more.

But it sends her spiraling instead.

It was her fault. She shouldn't have rushed in. (they wouldn't have been there if it hadn't been for Aymeric.). She nodded at Haurchefant and they decided to walk in together. She led him to it. (if they weren't trying to honor Aymeric's attempts they wouldn't have been there.) He protected her. She should have done the protecting. (They wouldn't have been there if they weren't trying to protect Aymeric.) She was idealist. She thought it could be solved running right in like so many things before. (it was Aymeric's idealism that inspired them.) Someone wanted her dead. People she let close to her are prone to die. (Aymeric was meant to die).

and it kills her so much because Aymeric is a friend, but her thoughts spirals and the more she overcorrects the worst it gets.

And i think it will fill her with guilt regarding Aymeric, especially when he'll get downright romantic himself about her. A small part of her blames him and the biggest part of her feels guilty she even feels this way.

So she'll conceed a lot more with Aymeric, whom she still cares about deeply. But in a sense she is also building an emotional wall against him.

Because when he's around she spirals. It was all her fault. (it was also his.)

[icharchivist]

this is fucking devastating my god

[icharchivist]

ive been avoiding using Dragoon the whole expansion because i'm at level 59 for it and it's overleveled compared to everything but this. This is the most important story dungeon. It has to be played with Sao's main class.

*dusts off my dragoon kit with loving eyes* we're going my friend.

[icharchivist]

[icharchivist]

[icharchivist]

[icharchivist]

the funny thing with living in a walkable city with fountains everywhere is when it's windy it's like it's raining sideways. Which, don't get me wrong, fucks so hard when the temperature is warm.

[icharchivist]

listened on loop to Die for You by Starset while being out, thinking of g'rahawol, and yknow what life is worth living. it's beautiful out there.

[nullpointr]

this pride month remember to love and appreciate aromanticism, aromantic people, aromantic love, aromantic relationships. this pride month get more aromantic

[inthetags]

reblog and put in the tags a comfort movie of yours that’s not supposed to be comforting