here are some stories without much grammar

would you believe it I am writing stories

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this one is pretty short

nice hair thanks for taking care of it in these trying times here is the story of Harriet the Ostrich

once upon a time there was surprise an ostrich egg and out of it came Harriet who was less surprising than the beginning of this story an ostrich and Harriet grew up to be very greedy and would wrap her dumb ostrich neck around whatever the heck she wanted until it would submit to her ownership then one day she came across a giraffe named Hardy Hardy and Hardy Hardy was like “wrap your neck all you want bird I have more neck and more greed” and Harriet was like “no that's horse doody” and straight up broke Hardy Hardy's legs in eight pieces two pieces each do the math and then Harriet ensured she was the only being in existence that could truly be personified as having the trait of being greedy but then she became greedy for other titles as well and began mercilessly slaughtering land barons and floor managers and civil engineers and kings and empresses and even swallowed a database administrator until finally Harriet was alone and truly had everything and nothing and in this permanent state of horror she lived strangely contented it is too bad none of us were around to see it because we were all dead the end

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document 25 brings us closer to the present day

hold on to your grocery carts and buckle your shoes this is the story of Momo the Grand

once upon a time there was a woman who was pregnant with a huge baby in her and it was so big that the doctor was like “okay this is not coming out naturally” and they went right to a mega-Caesarian section which is like a normal Caesarian section except this baby was so enormous that they just cut the whole lady in half so that the humongous baby could get out of the flesh prison that used to be his very alive and loving mother anyway the grotesque rumbling that came out of the baby upon its disgusting birth sounded like “Momo” so that became the name of this big pile of baby then it turned out that like other babies Momo was bad at things such as walking or taking care of itself so in order to move it around Momo's average sized dad purchased a bunch of horses to drag him around so that he didn't just fall in a hole and get stuck for example in the garden or at his mother's funeral and soon the horse-drawn baby was the talk of the town and people would come and gawk at the corpulent infant and gurgle and coo at it and then Momo would rumble out what would have been cute responses from a smaller creature but were instead horrific growls and ominous rumbles and when it came time for feeding the crying was so horrible that neighbours requested Momo be moved to a rival county full of people they did not like because the sound was so awful so this was done and Momo was hauled off to the rival city where they were cruel and refused to feed the baby and Momo's dad could not find enough food to support the child and it was declared “force majeure” when Momo just up and starved to death one night and his titanic bulk was removed into the earth and Momo's dad was like “maybe I won't have any more kids” so he did not and the horses were sold for some money and most people got along pretty much as they had before although some of them still have photos of them smiling and making peace signs in front of the gargantuan child during its short life so maybe he lives on in someone's coffee table scrapbook the end

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of course the truth is far more sinister at the end of document 24

I hope you are noticing how closed your mouth is and how open your ears are because here comes the sounds of the story of the snarling butt wizard

once upon a time there was a wizard named Armacus who practiced the most sinister of the available magick in the world and people were like “the k is pretentious” but the wizard would not hear their cries and would spend weeks brooding in his three story tower which was actually just a re-modeled triplex of sin and slowly lost contact with the rest of the world and developed his own guttural growling language and he had severe osteoporosis as a result of hunching over archaic notes and alien scrawls and so when he cast spells he could only do so at butt height and after he learned a spell to make everyone's groceries come to life and scream “panic station panic station” and making emergency siren noises with their newly formed but also hideous and awful mouths he went around growling and it was then that the Friends of the Neighbourhood Committee went to the Mayor who was named Jessica Harmonicfifth and had a smile that could and frequently did melt butter and so she was banned from smiling because the town's main industry was butter anyway the committee was like “Mayor Harmonicfifth we need you to deal with the snarling butt wizard all our groceries are unruly as heck” and then Jessica Harmonicfifth was like “okay I will deal with the butt wizard” and she went to the magick shoppe and said “do you have a spell to make groceries shut their disgusting maws” and the store owner said “you got it” and then the groceries were silent but then Armacus stumbled into the store and muttered some incantation and Jessica Harmonicfifth's wallet turned into a flying scorpion that was not able to control its own flight direction and just began repeatedly bashing itself into the wall of the shoppe and then Armacus was so moved by the display of random chance that he cast a spell that made him grow leg hair at twice the normal rate so not very fast anyway Jessica Harmonicfifth said “okay butt wizard enough of your shenanigans” and arrested him for making groceries upset and for more than twenty eight thousand bogus calls to the panic station employees who were at this point very anxious and stressed as a result of trying to help all the screaming groceries that had only recently been shut up and then Armacus died in prison alone and afraid and maybe of dysentery but the town never learned mercy or to appreciate how amazing the magick was and no one listened to the cries for help that the groceries had been calling out and so when the giant beetles arrived and enslaved the town no one was prepared except for a few cans of green beans that had avoided Jessica Harmonicfifth's casting range and they lived lives of happy and healthy prosperity and spiritual fulfilment but everyone else remained upset and obeyed the whims of their insect masters and to this day they curse the snarling butt wizard as it is believed the beetles were sent as part of a curse after his death of course the truth is far more sinister the end

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what a time to be dead

okay acrobatically jump into your pajamas and snuggle up with some slippers in your mouth so you can listen to the story of the graveyard

once upon a time there was a graveyard with neon lights and all the bells and whistles and the old man next door who was named Bernard was getting upset with all the undead hooting and hollering going on like there were craps tables and everything and he went over to the graveyard piano man in the corner and he said “I have had it up to here with all your noise from beyond the grave” indicating the height which he had had it up to and the piano man was like “I am just playing here man” and then Bernard went to a couple of graves where some skeletons were making out and he was like “this is a solemn burial ground for interred bodies and you are defiling these sacred grounds with your horny bones” but the skeletons did not have ears because those are flesh and earthly things that they had left behind long ago in fact they had left their lips behind too and the skeletons were just mashing skulls and teeth into each other anyway they did not listen and Bernard was furious so he kicked one of their skulls and it flew into a passing garbage truck and then when they found it at the landfill there was a big investigation and a burly policeman named Hearty Peter Thompson was the detective in addition to being a burly policeman who investigated it and he went to the graveyard where it was just a ridiculous party and he went to a skeleton that was smacking its teeth into another skeleton's spine and said “I think we have a match here boys” even though his whole investigative team were female but then Bernard arrived on the scene and said “thank goodness you officers of justice are here these dead lunatics have been causing a real ruckus” “oh and who are you” said Hearty Peter Thompson flipping open his notepad and lustily whispering the last word while nibbling on Bernard's ear “my name is Bernard and I am upset about this undead horsing about” then Gretel Harshshnausser one of the female investigative team members noted that Bernard's boot had skull fragments on it and they arrested him but meanwhile the graveyard went on being full of death and light pollution and it smelled like bad eggs a lot and eventually the whole city became a graveyard and just looking at the bones was kind of enough to tell the difference between genders but the centuries dead passionate Hearty Peter Thompson was never clear on the dang thing but the graveyard piano man got to keep playing at least so that's kind of happy the end

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appreciate what you eat

who is driving in a banana I will tell you it is you and the banana is a vehicle that is all about removing your vocal cords and maximizing your eyes and ears so you can pay attention here is the story of mustard

once upon a time there was a burger so tasty that it was putting everything else on the planet to shame in the flavour department and the Grand Empress Talia who owned most of the planet due to charitable donations from sentient pieces of terra firma was extremely jealous of this because flavour was the most valuable trait to have and she would go to her grill and say “grill grill on the patio who is the tastiest of them all” and then the grill because it was magic and could talk would say “why the burger known as Pat Lumbergartner is the tastiest of them all your Grand Empressness” and then Talia flipped a few lids making her collection of seasoning and spices much more likely to be susceptible to mixing and really stepped up her game by sleeping in a barbecue sauce chamber and then one day a jar of mustard came to her palace doors and said “oh Grand Empress Talia guess what I am mustard and I can make you tastier” but the mustard was actually terrible and included twigs and mud as two of its top five ingredients but Talia was desperate and jealous and the barbecue sauce chamber just turned out to be as unpleasant as it sounds and not at all flavour inducing meanwhile Pat the burger did not give two hoots about any of this but whatever he's a burger forget about him the mustard had additional goals here so after the Planetary Empress rubbed the twiggy mustard into her hair and all over her clothes and then the mustard said “surprise now you are naked” because the mustard was also corrosive and when it comes to flavour nudity ranks a zero because it is a visual thing and the mustard high-fived the grill and they said “the lesson is be confident in yourself especially when the friggin' earth willingly gave itself to you” and the mustard skipped away and tripped on a cobblestone path and smashed and died and then Pat Lumbergartner got cooked up and enjoyed by some guy with really limited taste buds so he only got some of the brilliance anyway and the Grand Empress was so angry that she had been tricked that she stomped her foot and shattered herself and the magic grill into five pieces each which was enough to effectively end both of their lives also the guy with the limited taste buds died he got hit by a tour bus or something and had a very limited impact on the moral centre of the story the end

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a small joy sometimes happens

guess which of my legs will be wrapped around your torso severally before time runs out too late enjoy the leg this is the story of abandonment issues

once upon a time there was an immigration place where people were immigrating all the time and then this witch who had lots of friends that were rats and goblins and swamp cats in the old country which was called Colossalwindbagvania but had no friends in the new place she was immigrating to dropped a perfume bottle of loneliness potion and then an immigration officer named Humphrey Ngawe who wanted to smell exotic poured it on himself and started to notice how everyone was just passing through the station and no one was sticking around to be his friend so he locked all the doors and made everyone sit around and enjoy social lunches with him and he would collect all their phone numbers and then call them from his desk and ask how things were going or just to talk and then a few of the immigrants got sad and confused and angry because they wanted to see their families or get acquainted with the new place they were living in and Humphrey Ngawe would just not leave them alone so they put on scary masks and tried to convince him that his dead ancestors were asking him to open the doors but he was desperate for friends and denied the masked people and then they ran out of money and could not spend it on the food and Humphrey Ngawe started to see less people at his lunch socials and the number of immigrants in the station piled up and there were angry groups outside and finally the walls fell apart and people spilled out and Humphrey was feeling so alone just so alone and then his boss showed up and said “Humphrey this is a bad day for you not only did your place of employment fall apart but it is also your annual performance review and it looks like your performance this year is that you have no real friends and your actual dead ancestors' spirits showed up in my office and are curious as to why you are so unpopular however you have a decent quality of life according to a magazine I read” and so Humphrey was demoted to “Friendless Clerk” at the immigration station and lots of years went by and all he had to show for it was a fairly nice bank account balance and also a raccoon ate part of his brain during a clumsy accident at his funeral the end

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closer to the present day document 24 calls regret to mind

slim fitting pants might seem like a great idea but when it comes to stuffing your mouth full I recommend your whole wardrobe now that you cannot speak and you are quite sufficiently muffled here is the story of the hermit

once upon a time there was an old man named Porridge Rockbottom who never left his house his whole life and when he was born there was a tuba playing a really low note but now he was not a newborn and spent his time in a wooden cottage near a cardboard cut out of a six thousand foot mountain that had been sponsored by climbing enthusiasts and an artist named Country Butterstockings who had been charged with beautifying what had once been the dullest landscape on the planet and he spent all day cleaning and reorganizing the inside of his cottage so that he would not offend himself every morning so once he got rid of all the points in his house because he thought they might look threatening to visitors but of course he had no visitors because this is the story of the hermit and the hermit is Porridge Rockbottom let us keep it together here anyway one day he was feeling adventurous so he opened his front door and was offended by how the wind burned his face and so he wrote an angry letter to the mayor demanding more gentle weather and then suddenly his house was a media circus complete with media clowns and a media dancing bear and a media elephant that can do all of the tricks and so it was quite a ruckus and stories were coming out about the man with a war on weather and then the embodiment of weather who was an ancient spirit named Peter L. Weather arrived and said “why are you declaring war on me I am weather what is this a big mountain you hate all of nature why why why I will ruin you and make you humble” and using a big wind Peter L. Weather toppled the mountain and boom just like that it was back to being the most boring landscape on the planet but then the artist Country Butterstockings arrived and was crying over years of work torn apart by a strong gust of weather and while he wept Peter L. Weather said “now look what you have done” and Porridge Rockbottom was feeling quite apologetic and he invited everyone into his cottage even the bear and elephant and they all felt pretty good about it because none of them were offended in fact Country Butterstockings even remarked “what an inoffensive abode” and everyone muttered their agreement and went outside among the wreckage and went home and Porridge Rockbottom went back to being alone but now his cottage was surrounded by a mess of garbage and fake mountain pieces and leftover circus parts sometimes the bear drops by to say hello but ultimately it was a lot of hoopla about very little also no one ever saw Peter L. Weather ever again in the whole of existence it was a really special occasion but there you go that is just how things happen sometimes the end

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there are only apologies at the end of document 23

boy howdy you have stuck around just long enough to hear the story of bad puns and misspellings or whatever here it is

once upon a time there was a queen who was very special and the threads of fate tied themselves to the very essence of her being but then a celestial editor made it into the threads of fat and so the queen got mad bloated and she thought this was not fair but you know what is fair another word for an amusement park loosely speaking and that is exactly what her house became and she had to ride all the barf coasters which are roller coasters that cause you to barf and she was yakking up all over the place and by yakking I mean yaks were flowing out her mouth until a herd of these bison trampled the whole park and all the plastic duck shooting tents and everything were just stamped into the ground and they were also stumped because how did this super queen turn into a fat yak puker who ruined the house fair but she is the queen what are you going to do she is above the law and the law was trying to do push ups but with the added weight of fate becoming fat law was unable to push up and a silence fell over the land injuring more than forty different people who were unable to cry out in agony because of the nature of silence and the queen sensed that people were displeased with her and she shot a look to one of the courtiers who keeled over because his face had been impaled by the high speed eyeballs that shot out of the queen's head and right through his skull and brain and then there were murder charges but there were also murder matadors and they were quite skilled so a lot of the charges did not stick it was ridiculous it is a truly awful queendom and why did any of this happen why this is what philosophers talk about when they get together and try to determine the nature of the universe why anything why anything at all oh the futility somewhere in the distance a bug crawls under a rock and attempts to record a bunch of conversations a final pun in the crushing emptiness of this universe the end

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this one goes on for a bit but it is probably worth the read for some parts of it

I hope you're feeling the effects of those lead slippers because we wouldn't want you to slip away and miss the ha ha what a pun quick skewer me with an old oatmeal rod here is the story of the dancing pants

once upon a time there was a travelling clown who had a pair of really jangly pants that had all the bells and whistles and even an evil spirit that could grant amazing dancing powers to the wearer and that is exactly what it did and the wearer's name was Grizzelda the Barge which was translated from the French “de Barge” and the spirit's name was so horrible that it is not reproduced here because if you even pronounce it right your whole family dies and that is just for starters so Grizzelda was dancing like the an angel on the head of a pin which is to say proverbially she was dancing because indeed her soul was in peril as a result of demonic dance possession and while wearing the jangly pants she could not resist the infernal choreographer but then a holy vision copyright the angels of heaven was bestowed to her and let her know that the jangly pants were a source of evil but she was also being made into a famous dancer and a hit performer all around the globe and everyone was saying “what an unbelievably good dancer she must have trained for centuries” and other everyones would joke “that or her pants are possessed with the most horrible evil anyone could ever have the misfortune of coming into contact with ha ha ha” and they would chuckle and go home to read the phone book or whatever it is people do after they get married we all have our own different traditions or whatever anyway Grizzelda was living the high life and ignored the celestial warnings and then one day the evil spirit showed up and said “my name is” and you can thank me for editing his lips right there and also yes his family died and that was just for starters and Grizzelda said “you are the one in my pants” and the spirit said “aye” because it was ancient and spoke in that weird formal classical way “I am beyond the comprehension of ordinary perception and indeed for you to be in my presence is a feat of demonic power to prevent you from going completely insane and having your body and soul devoured cruelly I have a mission for you the mission is” but then an angel broke into the conversation and said “Grizzelda you must give up these dancing pants with all the bells and whistles they shall pull your immortal soul to the underworld where it will be tortured for” and then an inter-dimensional pro-wrestler from this awesome inter-dimensional pro-wrestling league came in and said “Grizzelda I am calling you out this has gone on too long either you meet me in the ring or I will bring the ring to you will you marry me” and this caught a number of people off guard including Grizzelda the Barge who refused to date let alone marry wrestlers on account of the fact that she had French heritage and was an independent female clown and then the spirit said “Grizzelda you have no time fate has drawn you to this climactic moment make your choice” but she did not  I mean how could she it was a pretty tough choice and you can not just dismiss the pants you have no idea how good that dancing felt or anything stop judging so much maybe you should take a look in the mirror before you judge a corrupted clown lady anyway she could not choose in time and was completely obliterated by inter-dimensional space dust leaving behind a failed angel an evil spirit with nothing to possess as the pants had been wrecked and also a broken-hearted pro-wrestler who suplexed himself back into the Wunder Arena trademark the Thunder Bros. Inc. and things went on as normal only sadder and more empty but do not worry eventually all the other characters died and were no longer capable of being aware of their sadness or emptiness the end

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the shady prophecy at the end

take your feet off you legs and dip your buns in some glue it's time to sit down and listen to the story of legs

once upon a time there were a bunch of humans that had legs and they were walking around but then somebody figured out the code to make legs just fall right off sometimes even in comical ways and so people were just going around popping their legs off like it was the latest fad and it was there were all kinds of people pulling “my legs fell off” stunts and the whole city was just getting covered in legs and so leg enthusiasts were making a killing reselling used legs and it was unusual because everyone had someone else's legs and one guy was weird and bought like twenty baby legs so that he could become a millipede man but the legs were all kind of weak and so he had to train them to make them strong and then he became the buff baby millipede man and then everyone wanted to be a buff baby millipede man and so babies were being harvested for legs and there were all these legless babies and all these buff baby millipede men that need special access ramps to reach cupboards and so many people just didn't think things through and sex got really awkward with those people so eventually people were just like “okay millipede people you are wealthy and had your fun but now it is time for us to get back to work” because farming had just about stopped people were starving and everything and so then when they went back to work the buff baby millipede men became sewer dwelling slime eaters because they could not work properly on assembly lines or even in a bread mine it was a rough time in history but at least they did not find the code to have horses heads fly off and ram every person who was eating at a high speed that code is a secret and shall remain so until all love is truly lost the end

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the blandness of life

thanks for stuffing your fist into your throat and not talking because here is the story of Darwin the Maybe Interesting Guy

once upon a time there was a boy named Darwin who smelled like trucks because he played in diesel fuel all day long and everyone was like “that Darwin is a human” and they were so impressed with themselves for making observations and wishing Darwin happy birthday and good job at working hard and way to graduate and good job you got a job that they forgot to actually accomplish very much of anything at all and they got progressively duller to talk to because Darwin became more and more distant and they had less and less to talk about because their lives were boring until one day an enterprising woman got hit by a car and that kept conversations going for a little while because nobody really knew anything about her even though she was more than twenty seven years old and they spent time going through her personal possessions and all that to find out a bit about who she was and when they had finally imagined what this woman had been so convincingly they told Darwin “hey guess what we found you the perfect wife she is really interesting for you and you will love her forever” and then Darwin was like “great I cannot wait to meet her” and they said “also she is dead” but that did not stop Darwin from falling in love with this invented concept of what this woman whose name had changed from its original “Doreen Hamstead” to “Cardinal Turnpike” in a fit of jealousy from a really boring lady named “Doreen Hamm” who wanted to remain unique by being the only person in town with the name Doreen because nothing else distinguished her from anyone else at all anyway Darwin was absorbed in the idea of Cardinal Turnpike as she came to be known and never left her house even when it was demolished which gave people some things to talk about but really they got old and died not long after that at least it did not seem very long but it was actually more than forty years but do you remember all those fun times in second grade whatever Darwin as the only dude in the story who might have done something fell in love and died instead so there was no action just people dying the end

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the broadness at the beginning of document 23

greetings travellers from the fantastic planets you are welcomed to shut up and sit tight here is the story of cruel lobsters

once upon a time there were five lobsters that all had outrageous moustaches and claws that could crush kittens and frequently did which made them the scourge of kitty crusher bay and the bullies of the shoreline and they became feared and revered as the crustacean five but the coast was too small a haunting ground for a reckless crowd of lobsters such as these so they cursed the great plains beyond the shore and raised the spirits to create a loathsome space where man nor beast could roam without experiencing some sort of heckling or abuse from otherworldly fellows who should have passed on to other unknown dimensions long ago but due to lobster induced curses now roamed the plains and demanded higher wages and benefits in the afterlife but the five lobster menaces that had summoned them refused such boons and so the spirits went rogue and began to torment anything that could sense its own torment and the whole conscious world was basically going nuts like “aaah get out of my head” even the bad lobsters who reverted to the short and bullied shellfish and a boy who dropped his ice cream but even the joy of bullying could not satisfy them now that they were constantly being possessed by spirits of the dead and forced to see visions of a hellish spiritual netherworld but then a desperate bunch of excitable people went to the lobsters and said “oh moustachioed ones please resurrect other dead spirits so we can talk to grandpa or aunt Helen or cousin Ronald one more time please” so the lobsters just kept raising the dead who wanted more and more food and time and could not be released back into oblivion and so the haunting just got worse and families that wanted only one conversation with a dead relative were now stuck with a huge haunting and they had paid loads of money to the lobsters to bring their friends and ancestors back so the lobsters were richer than the wealthiest of kings and even though everyone was being driven to insanity by the horrid and torturous sights forced upon them by grumpy spirits the lobsters said “good thing we are rich I guess it was all worth it” and then in the afterlife they found out about morals and people looked around a lot because they were dead and had an eternity to talk or do anything else it is quite an expansive concept anyway no one was that sorry the world was a wretched haunting ground because they were all dead and emotionally distant after enough years anyway the end

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where can I get a subscription and the end of document 22

get your predictions to the fortune teller now and whisper the name of three different albums available in the pawn shop to a happy child to make them understand that you understand and if you do understand then here is the story of the hat

once upon a time there was a hat that could fly around and the hat's name was Georgio and wanted nothing more than to be left alone but everywhere he flew he would discover that things lived there including moths and also oysters and sometimes even radishes so this was a big problem because Georgio wanted to live and also needed to breathe so outer space vacuum land was not even an option because you were thinking that because you're so darn smart and you already guessed how this story is going to end well guess what instead Georgio flew to an island made of the corpses of horses and the fortress on the island was owned by a witch doctor who was a yak and smelled like blueberry tea and Georgio said to Almekstra which was the yak witch doctor's name keep up all right smart guy “yo I need to get away from all this life without dying” and Almekstra said “join the club” and so Georgio became a member in a club of a bunch of people who wanted nothing to do with life that involved other things living and read a lot of interesting articles in its monthly magazine subscription but eventually he just died of old age and also wolves ate him and he never got his wish and lived most of his life angry and saying “yes I think that is true as well” whenever he read the editor's notes in the opening of “are you alive and not me then I hate you” magazine the end

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life with the wonder god is sometimes like that

put your head in the freezer and take a look around now say the name of everything you saw inside the freezer to your closest loved one even if it has to be done over the phone okay good thanks for doing that here is the story of the awkwardly made angel

once upon a time there was a noble angel with three heads and only two eyes between all of them and her name was Angelica Meatballs because angels get named whatever I want to name them if you want to name them get your own story anyway one eye was on the side of the left-most head facing the middle head and the other eye was on the top of the middle head looking straight up so viewing was weird like when you hold up a cereal box about five inches from one eye and it does that ghost effect anyway Angelica Meatballs was like “can I please change my eyes to be able to see in more convenient ways oh wonder god whom all the angels serve in the highest courts of divine righteousness” to the wonder god but the wonder god said “I have made you as you are because I am the wonder god and that is what I do your purpose is to exist as I have made you” and proceeded to remain omnipresent even in Angelica Meatballs' pores and so she spitefully filed a harassment lawsuit against the wonder god and won because he was everywhere and touching the naughty bits on everyone including the defense lawyer who said “well I'd like to say he's innocent but he is the wonder god” and then the judge who had a fish head glubbed out “why was this not brought to the attention of the court before” and then sentenced the wonder god to be erased from existence and that happened and for some reason everyone thought they had done a great job but Angelica Meatballs still had seeing problems and medical science was still restricted from helping even in this magic domain and so she was unhappy with her lot in life forever and ever and into eternity the end

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the squared circle rears its ugly head

too bad your shoes are alcoholics now you will never walk around with dry feet again oh well here is the story of Barbantio the Hammer (not actually a hammer)

once upon a time there was a big tough wrestler named Barbantio the Hammer and Barbantio loved to eat garlic bread all the time even when he was wrestling and he also imagined that we was advertising it all the time too so he would turn his head to the side and say things like “when you eat a garlic loaf like this you always feel like a winner” and then he would break his opponent's leg in a mishandled figure-four hold or continue walking down the street what he was doing at the time of the advertising phrase was really dependent on what he was doing at the time of the advertising phrase but one day after he busted a dude's kneecap with a supreme elbow drop the garlic bread company said “you can't advertise for us anymore it is bad pee arr for us if you keep trying to advertise our tasty bread while crippling people” so they would shoot him with rubber bullets every time he would try to advertise the garlic bread while unauthorized to do so so he died like fourteen minutes later how many rubber bullets did you think the body could take even a big tough wrestler like Barbantio the Hammer come on be realistic this whole story is about realism it is a commentary on the future of economics and also professional wrestling there is an essay due at the end of the semester better get started you louts your views on metaphors and thematic incompetence will change the world the end

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pay a bit of attention and then forget it

uncross your eyes and bear witness to the incomprehensible squiggles before your eyes when you pour hot sauce in them this is the story of beautiful birds

once upon a time there were two birds that were so beautiful when they flew together that it was made illegal to have kites in the same sky as them which is ridiculous because honestly the sky goes all the way around the world but maybe the law was about visible range just go with it anyway there were some dopey kids that wanted to fly kites and these birds were just flying around kind of arbitrarily they are birds after all what are you expecting they do not actually deliver babies but these dopey kids were being assaulted by police who were like “what is your problem there are birds up there hello” and just beat them down so their classmates made crayon drawings of the dopey kite flyers being beat down and everyone applauded what a brave and creative act it was and then they went home and left the battered kids in the field with tattered kites and to top it all off the two birds took a poop on a statue of the town's founder but at least they look good when they fly but now those dopey kids are a real eyesore because it turns out severe physical abuse can make you physically unattractive that is the twist ending the twist is in the body parts of the kids whose limbs now stick out at really odd angles but whatever in another little while no one will even be thinking of them and also they will be grown ups so it will work itself out probably I already don't even care about them this story has been over for weeks the end

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document 22 presents some recurring themes

do you enjoy cranberry sauce well guess what you special and unique snowflake it is story time not cranberry sauce time so here is the story of Alfred the spider

once upon a time there was a spider named Alfred who was a big bummed guy with eight legs and eyes and all regular arachnid features so actually in addition to being a guy he was a spider and also he was thirty pounds and bigger than the size of three average house cats so unfortunately millions of people were terrified of him and would smack him with broom sticks when he would come around to their houses for tea and biscuits so one day he ran into a guy with a moustache and a beret who was being friendly to him and this was kind of a surprise because most people were upset that Alfred had webbed their dogs or toddlers or whatever but this man said “no you are better than that” and promised Alfred capitalist wealth and power and told Alfred that he was special and gifted and would be given all these bounties if he travelled with the man and Alfred totally bought into it because let's face it he was kind of special and different how many spiders do you know like that the answer is none I already know it and you don't so don't even try to fake it why do you even feel the need to be like “I know a bigger spider who has a better personality and also is great at sports” or some junk like that it is just a story get over it anyway the other reason Alfred bought into it was because he wanted to be wealthy and famous and loved and all that other junk that obviously happens to you when you have capitalist wealth so the man took him on a boat and they were supposed to travel to the land where Alfred would be treated like the super goddess of amazing butts or whatever but the boat drowned in the ocean and Alfred and the moustachioed man were sucked to an intense pressure area of the ocean and crushed beyond recognition so too bad for them I guess the world goes on for everyone else right yeah that's right until the sun explodes but that's another story the end