buni @buni-senpai - Tumblr Blog

Tired of optimising. Tired of living to be productive, of never ending to-do-lists and overdue tasks. Tired of follow-up emails characterised as “just checking-in”, and the self-imposed pressure to grow and improve and be better and everyday better. Some days - the difficult days - I look back and everything is still the same. I’m still 18 experiencing the most devastating loss I’ve ever known. I’m still 21 falling in love for the first time, I’m still 23, losing it. I’m 25, afraid to be touched by anything that isn’t tepid, worried that decisions to be vulnerable will be another gross miscalculation of devotion, feeling totally unhinged, lost even despite revelation after revelation. How many books can you read about yourself before you understand? How many conversations, or journal entries, or journeys of self-discovery before you stop surprising and disappointing yourself at every juncture? I am not myself. I am entirely myself. I can’t ever lose myself even if I wanted to. Some days I can’t decide if I want to.