[magnus voice] title of your sex tape!

[bureauofbalance99]

why isnt your url bureauofbalance69. its what they would have wanted

that’s valid but since it’s named after brooklyn 99, nbc should change the show to brooklyn 69 first. come on mike schur make it happen

[bureauofbalance99]

Merle: Don't make me fire you.

Magnus: You can't fire me. You're only in charge until Davenport gets back.

Merle: Don't make me pre-fire you.

Magnus: You wouldn't dare.

Merle: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when Davenport promotes me to co-captain, you'll be full fired.

Magnus [quietly]: IF you're promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.

Merle: What?

[bureauofbalance99]

The Director: I want to show you a picture from your party last night that really upset me.

Magnus: Okay, but in my defense, Taako bet me fifty cents that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.

The Director: That's not what I wanted to -- you drank shampoo?

[bureauofbalance99]

Barry: By the way, I have a meeting with Taako Taaco. Is that any relation?

Lup: No.

Barry: Oh. Okay.

Lup: Just a coincidence. We get it all the time. We laugh about it. But I've never met him. He's a gnome.

[bureauofbalance99]

Merle: Being a responsible adult sucks butts.

Magnus: Butts! That's it! I'll streak across the stage.

Merle: I love it.

Magnus: I'm gonna get naked, I'm gonna get up there! Everyone's gonna see my wiener. I mean, you've seen it, you know how dumb it looks.

Merle: Uh huh.

Magnus: Perfect plan!

[bureauofbalance99]

posts from this blog are gonna start petering off from being nightly, but yall are welcome to continue submitting b99 and parks and rec quotes. the blog will keep going, but a little slower

also if you want you can follow my primarily taz blog @mcgonagollygee 

[bureauofbalance99]

Hey thanks for mashing up my two favorite things! Best blog

thank you!!

[bureauofbalance99]

Why is 'future birds' bleeped in the last quote?

thanks for pointing that out because i have uhhhhhhhh no idea

i copy and pasted it and i did not notice, but good eye, my friend

[bureauofbalance99]

‘Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ — I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-catch.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankies.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’

Taako

[bureauofbalance99]

Lucas: I’ve been through hell!

Taako: BIG DEAL! I worked at a sunglasses kiosk in a mall for four years. So not only have I been through hell, I was assistant manager there.

[bureauofbalance99]

Angus: For once I have the upper hand over Taako, and I cam going to use it to CRUSH HIM.

Angus: ...into being nice to me.

[bureauofbalance99]

Taako: Magnus is going to lose his edge and panic.

Merle: Yeah, that's why I've never tried to develop an edge. You can't lose what you don't have.

[bureauofbalance99]

undercover at a fancy party

Lup: We ready?

Barry: Yeah. Oh, and Lup? Your dress makes you look like a mermaid.

Lup:

Barry: [fast] Okay, I'll see you in a little bit.

[bureauofbalance99]

Angus: Sir, you just saved Candlenights!

Taako: It’s what I do. Every damn year.

[bureauofbalance99]

Magnus: [to Kravitz] Have him home by eleven.

Taako: Mom, stop embarrassing me.

Magnus: Say goodnight to your father. [holds out Steven]

Taako: Night, Dad.

Kravitz: [completely mystified but obligingly addressing the fish] Goodnight, sir.

[bureauofbalance99]

Taako: For the record, Ango, I like you a lot and always have.

Angus: …A'ight. Whatever. [starts to walk off]

Taako: I taught him well.

Angus: [turning around with his arms open] Oh, who am I kidding, sir, hug me!

[bureauofbalance99]

Magnus: Julia, you're like an angel with no wings.

Julia: So, like, a person.