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Iāve basically finished all books Iāve started reading them and I just assumed that my tastes were pretty broad but Iāve just run into a book I donāt think Iām going to finish.
I just have no idea whatās going on, characters just pop up and Iām likeā¦. Should I know who this is??? And then they leave?? And the two main characters have very similar names and the POV shifts between them so quickly I barely know whatās going on.
Also the book isnāt a sequel but itās in the same universe as a previous book and things are talked about from that book and there was nothing to imply that this book was a sequel. Iām just expected to have attachment to characters I didnāt know Iād have to know??
I do think the main characters are super appealing which is why Iām a bit miffed? Like thereās an interesting story here but the writing just isnāt making sense to me.
Finally started reading house in the cerulean sea and itās very well writtenā¦.. I just donāt like children.
Iām going to read it all because I know it is a good book and Iāve only been reading like fun and flirty contemporary romance and I should read something a bit more fantastical to practice imagination but yeah. Iām not a huge fan of fantasy which is so ironic because one of my favourite games is baldurās gate 3 and I play a lot of DnD.
I really like Linus so far though. Very charming very endearing.
Lucy is a perfectly fine character and Iāve only just met them in book Iām just not super enthused about the little kid says dark messed up thing and thatās funny cause itās ironic. He reminds me of Abbadon from haunted hotel and he was fine but Iām just not a huge fan of creepy kid saying dark scary things for laughs. I think it has to do with how I was a kid saying well not dark but Iād love sharing what I learned from horrible histories and creepy animal facts. So unfortunately those types of characters remind me of a younger me that I should probably be kinder to but wonāt.
Like i remember revelling in being perceived as ācuteā but being into edgy things when I was 12. Like I was a preteen who liked watching yandere sim videos. Not exactly a highlight of my life I want framed.
So sorry to Lucy that he reminds me of my unfortunate preteenhood. Which Iām not necessarily ashamed of because I believe all preteens must be as cringe as possible to find their truest selves.
But yeah Iām supposed to find the kid characters cute and endearing and Iām just likeā¦. Sorry I donāt. Well yet anyways. Iām more interested in the romance between Linus and Mr. Parnassus. So Iāll keep reading for that. I love me some middle aged gay men falling in love.
Finished reading and it was very good! I do wish we got to go a bit more in depth with Linus and Arthurās romance. The kids did grow on me over time. I loved Helen.
I guess the drama of āwhy did you have to leaveā didnāt really hit with me cause it honestly did kind of make sense for Linus to return to his job to make sure the house would be safe.
Like Iād probably fall in love with Arthur too with his kind eyes or whatever but I do wish their romance was a bit more substantial. Iām super happy theyāre together but at times it was borderline why is there a romantic subplot. Borderline though, I love those two together and their kiss was perfection.
I donāt think Iāll read the sequel as I like where the story ends here and reading reviews of the sequel, it doesnāt seem like Iād be interested in it.
I really like TJ Kluneās writing style, itās humorous in a super smart way.
The book almost feels too short but also just long enough? I dunno I think I wouldāve liked to see more of why Linus falls for Arthur. Like I get it, but also it sorta felt like he was there for a week and already crushing on Arthur without the book necessarily showing us why. But also like Arthur is charming and kind and the book definitely gave good reasons as to why Arthur liked Linus. Linus is perfect.
Honestly Linus was the biggest highlight of the book. He was an amazing character and so so charming and sweet.
I had my own out of touch relative saying I should do something to make it big moment. Yknow in the same vein as like, go to the front desk of big office building, slap down your resume and demand a meeting with the ceo for a job!
My aunt bless her heart said that I should make an outfit for Hudson Williamās and justā¦. Send it to him in hopes that heāll wear it.
Like beyond the fact that I donāt know him, I donāt think heās a YouTuber with like a PO Box I can send stuff to, I donāt think even if he did all that and even wore it, he would like shout me out cause heās a celebrity now, he has a stylist and a team and also I canāt just like get his measurements and make something?!!
It was very surreal being like, um actually this idea is completely out of touch with reality and I canāt believe youāre not joking right now.
Iām was flabbergasted that she thought that I could just do that. Make an outfit and send it off and hope he wears it.
Who knows. Maybe one day if I actually get work in the film industry Iāll make a costume for him and that would be really funny but thatās how Iād get him to wear something I made, not by sending him an outfit randomly.
Finally started reading house in the cerulean sea and itās very well writtenā¦.. I just donāt like children.
Iām going to read it all because I know it is a good book and Iāve only been reading like fun and flirty contemporary romance and I should read something a bit more fantastical to practice imagination but yeah. Iām not a huge fan of fantasy which is so ironic because one of my favourite games is baldurās gate 3 and I play a lot of DnD.
I really like Linus so far though. Very charming very endearing.
Lucy is a perfectly fine character and Iāve only just met them in book Iām just not super enthused about the little kid says dark messed up thing and thatās funny cause itās ironic. He reminds me of Abbadon from haunted hotel and he was fine but Iām just not a huge fan of creepy kid saying dark scary things for laughs. I think it has to do with how I was a kid saying well not dark but Iād love sharing what I learned from horrible histories and creepy animal facts. So unfortunately those types of characters remind me of a younger me that I should probably be kinder to but wonāt.
Like i remember revelling in being perceived as ācuteā but being into edgy things when I was 12. Like I was a preteen who liked watching yandere sim videos. Not exactly a highlight of my life I want framed.
So sorry to Lucy that he reminds me of my unfortunate preteenhood. Which Iām not necessarily ashamed of because I believe all preteens must be as cringe as possible to find their truest selves.
But yeah Iām supposed to find the kid characters cute and endearing and Iām just likeā¦. Sorry I donāt. Well yet anyways. Iām more interested in the romance between Linus and Mr. Parnassus. So Iāll keep reading for that. I love me some middle aged gay men falling in love.
Controversial yet brave. I do prefer the shitty corporate lineless soulness lifeless art style of romance books to the naked torso ones.
Like I do agree that it obscures and flattens the content of the book. Like a sexy book should have a sexy cover and the illustrated ones are clearly trying to be more palatable but as a biased individual, I do judge a book by its cover. Like I gave one of the torso books a chance and it was good but a lot of them have descriptions and plots that donāt suit my tastes so unfortunately I tend to not really bother even reading the descriptions because often itās too smutty for my tastes.
Like Iām interested in the romance and drama not the sex and yes I know Iām poking around the gay sex genre and am not enthused about the gay sex Iām running into but itās not like Iām a complete prude. It just doesnāt do anything for me. Like you two boys have fun now and all but Iām not interested.
So yes I will go after the books with marketable soulless common denominator boring art on the cover cause usually the stories inside are more to my taste.
Ok I was about to totally grill this book I just finished but Iām actually okay with where it ended I think.
So the love interest was a closeted dude who was not ready to come out and obviously did the whole internalized homophobia thing to the main character and he does get outed and Iām not super thrilled that the two characters are probably in a relationship now but the book ends before it completely confirms anything. The main thing is that yes theyāre both interested in each other and they like each other as people but thereās no jump forward to their marriage, it simply ends shortly after the guy is outed and gets over it.
Though the subtext is pretty clear, the two of them are probably getting together, Iām happy it didnāt do a jump forward. Cause theyāre in a weird position right now.
But also the story has a lot of themes of forgiveness so itās clear that the main character forgives the guy for his internalized homophobia things and now theyāre going to move forward and see what happens.
This book basically has a similar story to Game Changer except what is the main story in game changer is a side plot in this book.
I do wish the book ended with the two characters mutually going, āI took advantage of you while I was at rock bottomā and āI have low self esteem and the power imbalance between the two of us makes this relationship have rocky foundationsā.
But also forgiveness and communication are key themes of the book so like I canāt be too mad that theyāre getting together. Cause if they didnāt get together itās because theyāre holding onto grudges which the story directly shows is a bad thing.
And I do really like how the story handles the ex of the main character. Obviously you want to go heās a shitty ex but as the book goes on itās clear they broke up for a reason and that since weāre seeing the book from the main characterās perspective, his situation is not, victim and toxic ex, itās two people who werenāt right for each other.
I do think that the love interest isnāt great for the guy but the book is about the main character getting over hang ups that would get in the way of their relationship. So following the themes of the book itās not like itās the love interests fault. I do think the main character needs a bit more self respect. Like just cause youāre heartbroken doesnāt mean you should be falling into the arms of a rich down low āstraightā guy.
I also thought that the book was gonna pull an interesting twist and have the main character end up with a guy he almost hooked up with halfway through the book. That wouldāve been a lot more interesting. But the almost hook up guy was a red herring.
Also the book has a reading group guide where it directly acknowledges how their relationship is potentially rocky so I think thatās another reason why Iām not bemoaning it as much as I thought.
Like the last quarter of the book I could see them being endgame and I was not happy about it until suddenly the book was over and while the two characters both shared their mutual interest with each other, we donāt see what their relationship is to become. And the reading discussion guide directly acknowledges that. Like thereās literally a question going, āthe closeted guy hurt the MC, do you think theyāre ready for a relationshipā to which my answer is NO!
I do think they are good for each other but also, they have a lot to untangle.
Also the MC isnāt exactly over the āwhy would famous and rich athlete want to date me?ā
Though the book is about the MC getting over his inferiority complex. Like heās constantly comparing himself to his friend thinking heās never struggled in his life just because they have different backgrounds.
So maybe by getting over that with his friends he can get over it with the love interest.
Anyways this book was fun it had a lot of messy drama and it was called The Gay Best Friend.
I liked the themes of forgiveness and as much as I want to go, cut off your shitty friends babe! Thatās the toxic cut off everyone mentality from Instagram and TikTok. Not to say you shouldnāt cut people out of your life, but also that sometimes there doesnāt need to be a big blow up itās okay to change and grow and communicate. You donāt necessarily owe anyone communication but thereās a balance, and if both parties mutually want the relationship to work they have to be willing to talk with each other.
Anyways the book was fun and I finished it way too fast. I cannot consume books at a normal pace.
My dad told me about the things my grandpa told him he saw happen during World War Two.
And itās like so dark.
We were talking about intergenerational trauma and what my grandparents and great grandparents survived. And like holy shit.
This is extremely graphic but I just need to get it out.
My dad told me my grandfather watched as Japanese soldiers surrounded the local priest with bayonets and forced him to stand. He was forced to stand and if he got tired, heād be stabbed to stay standing. Eventually the priest threw himself on a bayonet to kill himself to end the torture.
My mom shared how I have a great uncle who might be alive. Key word might because he was kidnapped by Japanese soldiers and my dad said he was probably made a slave until he died.
My dad told me how my grandpa watched Japanese soldiers fill someone up with water and then dropped a heavy stone on him so water burst out of him.
I donāt know what the lesson from all this is exactly? Cause war is still ongoing. Genocide continues. Ceasefires are lies.
Itās weird because my family chooses to see the past as worse which Iām inclined to believe but they use it almost as an excuse to not complain about now. Now fucking sucks too. For different reasons. It sucks in its own way.
Maybe at a certain scale, it sucks less today. Theres no world war going on but also thatās cause of fucking proxy wars. So yeah sure maybe less people are dying from war overall right now but numbers fucking lie. Depending on how itās measured, casualties can easily be hidden. Like people still refuse to call whatās happening in Gaza a fucking genocide. And frankly I donāt care how many people die, people dying in war any amount of people is too fucking much.
But Iām supposed to be thankful because I donāt live in the world my grandparents live in? Cause I am actually. The world wars sounded awful but that doesnāt then retroactively make me appreciate the genocide and ecocide surrounding us.
To be a doomer, which Iām not. Life will go on but climate justice is needed to ensure the lives that go on include the marginalized. But anyways, climate change is here. Climate disasters are happening. Iām just currently privileged enough to not be homeless and unable to afford shelter during extreme weather situations. But heatwaves are here. Water shortages are here. Just because itās not directly killing me right now doesnāt mean itās not a climate disaster.
And this world is worth living in. We only got one habitable planet no matter what the billionaires say and ecofascism solves nothing so the edgy humans are the disease is a fucking cope thatās useless. Humans are part of the environment and we better start acting like it. We are not above the ecosystem. We are the ecosystem. Just as the population of wolves will go down because they ate too many prey animals, we can go down because we took too much from the earth.
The difference between us and wolves is that maybe we could actively stop consuming so much and reach balance. Because unlike us, wolves are in balance with the ecosystem. The more prey there are the more wolves, the less prey and less wolves. But we demand infinite growth. Thatās not how nature works. Thatās how cancer works.
Also weāre not disconnected to history. Though I didnāt experience what my grandparents went through, here I am horrified lying awake thinking about it. And here I am living in the consequences of that cruel world. The world is still cruel. And I want to be kind because the world is cruel enough.
So I rage, I make art, I feel beautiful and ugly, I overthink and calm myself, I explode the Nazi I saw on the bus with my mind, yes I saw a lady with TWO fucking Nazi tattoos on her body I hope she experiences deep deep shame and covers that hateful shit up or gets hit by a bus if she refuses to change.
Uhg believing in transformative justice is no fun sometimes because deep down I do genuinely hope that fucking Nazi lady is deprogrammed and covers up her tattoo and spends the rest of her life trying to make up for her Nazi brainwashing but also I know some people wonāt change. They wonāt and even then I donāt want the death penalty. But I hope they get beat up in the streets I hope that Nazi lady gets her Achilles tendon slashed I hope she cries and cries out in pain as everyone around her looks down at her in disgust.
But also I donāt want that to happen to her because sheās a human being. A human being who believes in horrifically terrible things. But I hope the conditions that lead her down that path are dismantled. I hope that road is torn asunder so that no one ever walks down that road again. NEVER AGAIN.
But I know how people end up cruel. My great grandmother was broken by her life and tried to break others. She was a miserable terrible evil woman. But because sheās family, I know why sheās like that. Or at least I know her sad backstory that probably lead her down that path. It excuses nothing. But I see how hurt people hurt people. But itās not about forgiveness. Itās about understanding and to not repeat those mistakes. To break the cycle of trauma.
Itās selfish and individualistic to think I can save the world. Thatās a lie told to us growing up to make us feel special and less existential dread at climate change and war and everything. This generation will be the problem solvers.
Unfortunately this generation is human. And humans are imperfect. But we donāt have to fix the world perfectly. We just need to keep on trying.
Like already it was once seen as socially acceptable to hit kids. And now itās not. And sure some people think we should hit kids again because now kids are too soft but no. We made progress. Sorry you canāt accept that fact that you were hit as a kid and that wasnāt good. It didnāt make you better. Maybe it made you tougher which could help you become better. But it probably made you worse. And thereās no big grand story. Youāre not a fucking main character. Youāre not in a god damned fucking memoir where youāre showing how you overcame bad things and became the person you are today. YOU ARE A PERSON WHO WAS HIT AS A KID. Do you want a fucking cookie? Do we need to tell the whole world? Youāre so tough because you were hit as a kid and youāre gonna hit your kids now??? Gonna talk about how you walked up hill to school both ways?? In the snow barefoot??? Congrats your childhood was fucking miserable. And now things are better now but you canāt accept it. Things are better now and that means theyāre worse actually. Bring back the good old days where priest willingly impale themselves in front of children to stop being tortured.
Letās go back to the good old days where we had slaves! Wait we still have slaves! So weāre in the good old days! But maybe the good old days was when slaves werenāt made into invisible labour so we can stop feeling bad!
The world is beautiful and the only place where I know life flourishes. And yes I lament the cruelties of the world because itās awful. But the world is cruel sometimes. Parasitic wasps inject other insects with eggs and theyāre eaten inside out. The orcas torture the seal before eating it. The spiny star kills the coral reef. The only difference is Iām human so I can infer how other humans think. And because Iām human, I can go, I would never do something that cruel. How could you do it? And itās terrifying because no one is immune to cruelty. We will all be cruel. But we can also be kind but also fuck that optimistic bullshit right now. Iām being a doomer.
The world is cruel and grotesque because thatās how our human brains understand it. I donāt want to say itās just in our nature because that is a fucking excuse, but itās an explanation. People are cruel because we are the world and the world is cruel. But we can only be kind. The anemone is a home for the clownfish, the leaf cutter ant provides a safe home for the fungus, the eel and the grouper work together to hunt and share their meal. The frog lives in the spider burrow and they protect each other. The cleaner fish eats the parasites off the other fish.
The things that humans do are unimaginably cruel and while acknowledging that we are animals and animals do unimaginably cruel things to us important I am once again emphasizing thatās not an excuse. We are humans and we have the capability to communicate with each other. So we can work together to try and live with each other and make each other better. The cruelties are so horrific because they happen to other humans and Iām human. The cruelties happening in the world between animals, I am not that animal so I shouldnāt impose my world view on what goes in through their heads when the orcs hunts the seal.
Anyways all of this to say that the world is cruel and miserable but also where all the joy I know is contained. Because itās the world. Itās all weāve ever known. Sheās not just good or just bad. She just is. But at the individual scale, I can hate. I hate that fucking Nazi lady.
I just finished watching project Hail Mary and I also read a review of it thatās not popular I found it while looking for project Hail Mary animatics but in essence the critic didnāt like the movie because they claimed it was too optimistic.
The reason why Iām talking about it and giving it the time of day is that I honestly kinda agree but also Iām likeā¦.. things can be optimistic?? Like sorry itās not a dark cynical horror movie???
The review is basically judging a fish on its ability to climb a tree.
However I donāt just want to dismiss it because I think there is value in acknowledging why project hail Maryās optimism can make the movie less interesting to them.
I donāt just want to label the person a party pooper because there is some interest.
Iām gonna put on my pessimistic lens. The obvious parallel is climate change for PHM. And if you view the story purely through that lens, itās going to end up a bit neoliberal? I dunno if neoliberal is the right term here. But like the idea that the solution to climate change is just do science better and get smarter people. Like Iām very critical of kurgazet or however you spell it. Those bird science videos. Obviously Iām more critical of them as their politics are uh not great as they refuse to acknowledge the genocide in Gaza and overall have a status quo view on a lot of political issues.
Anyways. So those videos have a sense of climate optimism that kinda boils down to, donāt worry about it, smart rich people do care and they hold our best interest. Basically they donāt seem to acknowledge that capitalism/colonialism is a root issue to climate change and how exploitation runs hand in hand to it all. So viewing PHM through only a lens of this story is about climate change, then yeah, PHM may be excessively optimistic in it showing that yeah we can totally just trust the technology and world governments to fix the problem. Obviously Iām being intentionally overly general because the story itself acknowledges that humans will probably fight and kill each other in the ensuing conflicts caused by the depletion of resources. So frankly in my eyes, it does acknowledge how social changes need to be implemented along with technological advances to solve climate change.
But also back to criticizing the criticism, the story is also a story about miracles and hope. Itās like why I read gay romance books with happy endings. I like happy endings! So I like this movie! Cause itās happy! And it makes me happy! And Iām not saying you canāt view it in that way but you should acknowledge that YOU didnāt like it because you found its message overly optimistic. Which is FINE. I honestly slightly boarded on that line while enjoying the movie because yeah, the world is kinda shit rn and seeing something so optimistic where everything works out does make me a bit envious but for me it also inspires hope because good things do happen.
Like though I critique kurgaset now, they were instrumental in me fighting against nihilism and climate pessimism. But itās about balance and once I learned more about climate change and climate justice, me personally, I donāt see those cartoon ducks being the sole solution to climate change. Plenty of what they say in their videos are true but a lot of it is biased. Science can be biased and itās important to remember that. Numbers are not impartial and those cartoon ducks present numbers as impartial a bit too much for my taste.
And so while I now rain of their parade, I can acknowledge that kurgazet is still important. Iād prefer if they could be a bit more radical in their teachings but also in the end we want the same thing and I can work with that.
Anyways, so the person who wrote that critique, is well within their rights to not like PHM. I understand why an optimistic message can feel like a water balloon in a forest fire. Climate change feels insurmountable and it seems like the world governments are allergic to working together to solve it in meaningful ways and instead bow to whoever has the most money.
And I like sad stories too! I read a story called olive juice where the author thought about giving it a hopeful ending and tbh I think it does have a hopeful ending but itās still devastatingly sad. But anyways, the story couldāve been a bit happier hopeful but the author chose to have it be a sad ending because it felt more realistic. But that story was also very grounded. It discussed real everyday personal tragedy.
PHM is science fiction. Itās about a larger than we can imagine problem. The only personal issue is the trolley problem aspect of sacrificing three people to save earth. But other than that, the solution is to figure out why this star isnāt going out and then send the solution back to earth.
And you can even say it reflects a solution to climate change we have here. Itās not technology like geoengineering and reaching carbon neutral thatās the sole solution. Like I used to be a teenager who thought I was some science climate knower and I assumed carbon capture would reverse climate change and we just had to put solar panels on everything and make everything electric. I know now that solar panels arenāt perfect, they can take up water and require wide open areas and mining to produce. Anyways, PHM shows that the biosphere has answers. Working with nature and acknowledging that we are not separate from it.
Resilience is something I learned in my climate justice courses. Climate change disasters are here but we should be making sure communities are resilient. Because unfortunately even if the technology did reverse climate change with no repercussions, the repercussions is that we still live in an exploitative society and the distribution of such technologies would not be equitable. Like indigenous communities have their land robbed and poisoned by resource extraction companies.
Anyways, thereās a lot to be critical about in the world. Critical theory is important. But also, sometimes we can do both. And we can acknowledge how we are measuring something. Because that changes the context. If I measure PHM purely on the message it can give us to the world right now, I can say that its message of hope and optimism can be inspiring but also runs the risk of becoming overly optimistic to where the response is one of cynicism.
Like if la la land ended with Mia breaking up with her husband to get back with Sebastian in a final show of dramatic romance, itād feel cheap because the story was about the quiet tragedy of loving someone but not being able to be with them. Like what many people wouldāve considered a good ending with Mia and Sebastian getting back together would cheapen the message of the movie which is that sometimes love doesnt work out like in the movies. Or like, I have a friend who doesnāt want to finish watching heated rivalry right now because theyāve just been through a break up and donāt want to watch romance right now. Like I get it! I wouldnāt want to watch a movie where someone survives cancer when a loved one died of cancer! I donāt want to rewatch one of my favourite anime: Orange, because I lost a friend and that movie is about saving that friend from dying and like, my friend is dead and thereās nothing I can do to bring them back. But that doesnāt retroactively make Orange and Heated Rivalry and the entire romance genre bad just because me personally have been through something that makes the taste sour.
Like if the review was presented in a āeveryone like this movie but its message didnāt speak to meā thatās fine. But itās the bold statement of this movie is universally praised but someoneās gotta rain on this parade and itās going to be us itās tough work but someoneās gotta. Like actually you donāt gotta. You are allowed to not like the movie for frankly interesting and valid reasons, but you donāt need to act like youāre speaking truth to power or some bullshit. Like congratulations you have an opinion. You can balance having an opinion better because your perspective is valuable and should be kept in mind but it should also be present less as fact and more as an observation. Like yes Iām tone policing but like Iām not sorry.
Like I donāt want to give the cop out of ājust let people have funā because that can easily evolve into anti intellectualism. Like yes sometimes the curtains are blue but sometimes the curtains being blue does reflect something important. BOTH CAN BE TRUEEEEE IT IS ABOUT BALANCE.
And you donāt need to put other down when you have an opinion. Like I know Iām really putting this person down sorry but I want to emphasize Iām writing all this bullshit because I do think their perspective is interesting and important. I just hate how since itās the internet obviously itās presented in a provocative way so consider me rage baited whatever fuck you. You couldāve left on comments but I know you turned off comments because you knew it was a controversial opinion and people were probably being nasty in the comments which I disagree with but also you intentionally were being inflammatory whatever. Who cares.
Anyways, I think itās incredibly interesting viewing PHM as being potentially too optimistic. Because I do agree that while hope is so powerful, it only gets you so far. You can sit and hope all you like but hope is an action or whatever that quote I see thrown around (another good example of how excessive optimism can be grating, that hope quote Iām referencing is wise but Iāve seen it so many times Iām annoyed by it now) Hope is like a fighter bleeding but still getting up or something along those lines.
Anyways, PHM can be perceived as an individualistic, technology based solution towards climate change where we just need some hero to rise up and fix the problem for us. Or it can be seen as encouraging us to work with people who we may not understand and to work with nature and to be brave and sacrifice for the greater good. And thatās only through the lens of the movie vis a vis climate change.
You could also view it through the lens of did I enjoy it? And the answer is an overwhelming yes for me. And I donāt want to go āsorry you hate funā to the person but moreso, itās okay that you donāt like a movie everyone seems to love.
I didnāt like the new avengers or whatever that movie was called. The thunderbolts? But my friends liked it and thatās ok. Did I think its message about mental health was super shallow? Yes. But did it mean something important to my friends? Yes.
So Iāve been there. Iāve been the overly cynical one. And I think Iām right cause Iām me and Iām self obsessed. So I understand where that person is coming from. But I enjoyed it, you didnāt. Whatever.
I consider myself very lucky. I was always so jealous of kids who knew that they wanted to do. Theyād work for it and theyād achieve it.
The stem kids knowing they want to be engineers or doctors and they work their way through extremely difficult classes and the like 50% drop out rates but they preserver because they know itās what they want.
The kids with a talent like music where they can follow their passion.
The art kids who know they love to draw.
But I consider myself lucky because I feel like that now. Even though I didnāt figure it out in high school sewing ignites a joy and focus in me that nothing else has.
I can be sitting at my sewing machine seam ripping a mistake I made for the second time and Iām well not happy but Iām not miserable. Iām content. Hand sewing is meditative. It doesnāt feel like a slog to sit and hand sew for hours.
Procrastination comes from decision fatigue and not knowing where to start but it doesnāt come from a dread of not wanting to do something. I can sew because itās there and I like to sew.
So I consider myself lucky. Because I know I want to sew. And I know I will. The jobs sewing will take me might not make me necessarily happy but I know Iāll be willing to put in the hard work because I get to sew for a living rather than try and write reports at a desk for the rest of my life.
Dreams Iāll never achieve because Iāve abandoned them/I donāt really want them/I unwilling to shift towards working towards them because Iām working towards something else I like more.
I want to write a webcomic. I donāt know how to draw nor am I willing to learn to. I donāt want to just start because Iām busy learning how to sew. I also donāt have any ideas and itās more of a nebulous desire than a concrete goal.
I want to be a soprano. My voice dropped lol. Iāll never sing notes that high my vocal cords wonāt let me oh well.
I want to be a figure skater. No thanks I donāt want to work towards that thatās too much work. And Iād rather do too much work for something else nowadays.
I want to be a professional musician. Same as figure skater lol. Too much work and I could see the spark and drive in my peers but not in myself. I loved it but I didnāt ever practice on my own time all too much.
I want to get married. I discovered Iām asexual and aromantic. Iād get married for tax reasons or for money tho.
I want to date a boy in high school. Yeah not in high school and I was definitely aro ace back then and didnāt know it.
I want to be a marine biologist. I can just like the ocean without it being a job. I mean I tried hardish for this one. I did all the science courses in school and I worked at a science museum and talked to people getting their education in marine biology and then I burnt out really hard. Sobbed my way out of physics and straight into quarantine where I saw this dream kinda crumble, tried to shift gears a bit in university to work in something adjacent, took enough social justice courses and realized that arts was for me more than stem. Also met a lot of stem people in university and I realized my brain doesnāt work like that. I wasnāt as passionate as them to work towards that.
I want to be a palaeontologist. No thanks. You canāt just like dinosaurs and be a palaeontologist.
I want to be a geologist. I really thought I like this thing so therefore making it a job makes sense which is a fine strategy but as a kid I didnāt think about what came along with all that.
I want to be in musical theatre: honestly fumbled this a bit. Because if I did do musical theatre, it would help me a bit because Iām adjacent to that right now. Like this dream refers to wanting to be onstage but like now I want to work backstage and knowing what itās like onstage helps with that.
My current dreams.
Be a part of a film union. I want to sew costumes for movies. Iāll do set work but the goal is to make costumes or maybe design them.
Get on drag race. Itās a weirdly achievable goal for me. I donāt think Iāll come out of it a huge star by any means but having a few years of my life dedicated completely to drag would be cool. I donāt think Iād be successful enough to live on just drag even if I got on. I love myself. I love my drag I know Iām good but I know Iām not some groundbreaking drag performer or a hilarious personality.
Make my own version of a Dior bar suit. I just need to learn the skills.
Make my own version of Charles James the clover and the butterfly. Ditto as Dior suit.
Have a home with a dedicated sewing room. I donāt want to live in a bedroom thatās also a sewing space for the rest of my life.
Iām honestly kinda sick of all the āavoid these types of friendsā videos. Like unfortunately I keep watching them I am complicit in my own suffering but like I dunno. Obviously everyone wants to present themselves in a certain light on the internet but itās such a āavoid these types of peopleā and like weāve all been that person in one way or another. We should be conscious and aware that we might hurt people without even knowing or trying.
And itās important to remember that and not in a ālet them think Iām the villainā like just be the villain and not in a āIāve snapped Iāll be meanā like accept that fact that thereās no need to center yourself. You hurt someone. Or they hurt you. But we donāt need to frame it as they hurt me they are this they are that all the time.
Sometimes you hurt someone and you wonāt receive their forgiveness and you might not need or even deserve it. But you have to forgive yourself in some manner. You have to preemptively forgive yourself for hurting people. You will hurt people but that doesnāt mean we have to fill our heads with types of people that youāve become and you should avoid.
Like if it helps you understand why that person hurt you in that way sure maybe the types of friends or whatever can be helpful but I dunno. I just think people are a lot more complex than just āthe flakey friendā or āthe crisis friendā āthe fair weather friendā āthe jealous friendā like people are people and we wonāt truly know what theyāre going through or how they see the situation.
Sometimes a person hurt you because theyāre hurting. Sometimes they hurt you because they donāt respect you. Sometimes they just have a view of the world that resulted in harm.
And you can thank whatever you want about them. Because youāre a person too. But Iām kinda over with the way these videos engrained themselves in my brain and now Iām thinking āIām I the selfish friend?ā The xyz friend?? Like itās good to be aware. Itās good to think about how to develop my social skills in a way that doesnāt feel like Iām hiding myself.
Itās not about making myself palatable, itās about making sure my joy doesnāt come at the expense of others and Iām included in others.
Iām allowed to experience joy. I donāt need to make myself miserable obsessing over what I am or am not.
I can both see the person behind the behaviour, understand it, forgive them, and also still be upset.
But I have to be upset in a way where I have to decide, am I upset enough that I want to have a conversation to fix this? Am I upset about this or am I just looking for reasons to not like this person so I can feel morally justified in wanting to distance myself? Am I upset but because Iām unwilling to have a confrontation I have to accept that if the behaviour continues I canāt explode on this person because Iām choosing not to talk to them about it?
Like fuck all this āI stopped texting my friend and now we havenāt talked in yearsā bullshit. Like if someone did that to me, guess what, youāre not hearing from me cause I assumed that our friendship had run its course. If you feel like youāre taking the brunt of planning you either talk it out or if you donāt, then itās an issue you donāt feel strongly enough to fix and you either make peace with that something is or leave and make peace with leaving. Or some weird middle thing I dunno.
We donāt need to create this distinction of good people vs bad people. We can all become bad people. And thatās okay. People can grow and change. And you donāt have to forgive them but they should grow and change. We should always try and become the best version of ourselves.
And itās not linear and itās not the same for everyone. But I dunno even know what Iām rambling about at this point.
As someone who could probably considered an absurdist, the way I used to talk about it along with how I see others talk about it just doesnāt sit well with me anymore.
Like oh nothing matters so letās have fun! I understand and honestly respect how at a certain point in my life it was helpful for me to think that way. Cause like I personally tend to be a bit selfish at times and at a certain point you gotta learn that youāre not the main character and that you donāt really matter in the sense of like a main character or the center of the universe or whatever. It was helpful to think that yes I donāt matter but I donāt need to be cosmically important to live a good life.
But I just feel the idea of everything is awful but in the end it doesnāt matter so letās have fun! Can unfortunately just feel tone deaf sometimes.
Like things ādonāt matterā in the grand scheme of things sure but like racism seems to affect peopleās lives in real and tangible ways and I think that matters as well. Obviously most people who use the nothing matters letās have fun arenāt actually racist just cause they think that. Theres frankly nothing truly wrong with being tone deaf cause in the right context itās totally fine to talk about absurdism like that.
But I always took the absurdism thing as like, okay so if nothing truly matters, then it doesnāt matter if I choose to believe something matters and thus Iām sure Iām just regurgitating a thought activity that someone has done already way better than me but who cares.
Anyways things might not matter but itās important to care for others. Like for me we should be trying to allow as many people ideally everyone to have access to a life that provides them satisfaction.
And like we can all have our own perspectives on things but I worry that the perspective of absurdism as nothing matters so have fun can make people care less for others. Cause if nothing matters, why support activism? If nothing matters why do anything?
Also absurdism isnāt just about having fun, to my understanding itās more like an general accepting that in the grand scheme of everything the universe is probably cold and uncaring but that doesnāt mean you have to be cold and uncaring as well which Iām 100% sure thatās a tumblr post I read.
I just think absurdism can sound a bit too individualistic sometimes. Like humans live together. We interact with each other. Even if you donāt see it directly. Your lights turn on because someone maintains electricity. Your garbage is collected, your house was built by someone.
So itās not like weāre completely alone in life even if it can feel that way.
Anyways that is to say that like, be absurdist for sure but donāt be selfish lol racism, transphobia, colonialism, fascism, itās not going to end cause we all decide to just have fun.
Like we should be able to find joy despite our situations. Thatās why queer joy is so important for example. To be happy despite it all.
But we canāt give up and say Iām just gonna party cause weāre all gonna die anyways. Because what if you donāt die? Youāre going to have to keep living. And I hope that when you do die, youāve left the world a little bit better for someone else.
I dunno maybe Iām too hopeful. Or toxically optimistic or positive. Who the fuck knows. But just because it might not matter in the grand scheme of things, thinking that doesnāt necessarily make the pit feeling from when I hurt or offended someone go away.
Mods are asleep post forbidden tits
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Perfectly balanced as all things should beā¦
balance
Anyways I donāt have a goodreads or whatever people use to rate books. Maybe I will but I dunno I think Iād rather just tumblr post about books Iāve read.
I donāt want to give ratings because I feel that flattens out the enjoyment Iāve gotten from a book though I do like star ratings to determine what I want to read lol so they have their use just donāt expect me to provide ratings lololol
Going in order of what Iāve read post game changers, hereās my list of books and what I liked and maybe didnāt like of them.
The Shots You Take: I loved it. It was so good. It made me to happy. I loved the topics it covered and the characters. I also am a huge sucker for romances involved older people cause love doesnāt only strike for the youth.
Olive Juice: I also loved this one. It really stuck with me. It has an important message to share and itās devastatingly sad. I donāt think itās a book Iād go back and reread because itās so sad though. But I loved it.
Stars In Your Eyes: I liked it. Sometimes the characters felt more like mouth pieces for the author to say their important message which is fine cause the message was important it sorta just felt out of character sometimes for the leads to know about certain things like colourism, and colonialism. Like hey I love being woke too but I doubt a Hollywood actor who never went to school would talk about those topics frankly in that manner. Like itās cool that they know about it but whenever they talked about it, it was in a way that felt out of character. Iām glad it was in the story because it provides a lot of important context and messaging to the story. And it handled the relationship really well. I was worried in the middle but the middle set up the ending really well. And like I know itās a cute little romance story but I wish it had the bravery to do the interesting thing and not have the two characters end up together in the end. Their relationship was intentionally presented as a little toxic. And it was presented in such kind and interesting way. I appreciated the exploration of trauma and how hurt people hurt people but that doesnāt mean you have to let yourself be hurt by them. Like a part of me is happy they ended up together in the end I just think the book wouldāve been more interesting if they didnāt. Like they still love each other but itās time to move on. But alas I know what genre Iām reading. And this is why I donāt love star ratings because I liked the book overall but there are a few things that sit off with me but I still think itās good just not to my taste so Iād rather a rambling word salad that a number rating. I do like an enjoyment ranking which Iāll do later.
Roommate: I just finished reading this one and I really liked it. The beginning was definitely super good. Loved the drama and everything of setting up the characters and their situation. The characterās backstories are interesting and makes me care about them really quickly. Theres a little too much will they wonāt they for my taste but itās fine, I get why one of the uncertainties was because one of the characters didnāt want to be in a closeted relationship again. And I understand it was to create a tension of yearning and on the one hand Iām happy that the relationship pauses didnāt go on for too long and happened for understandable reasons, it ran the risk of occasionally feeling a bit forced to spice up the middle of the book. The ending was great though the ex randomly showing up to be told off was weird. Like how did he even find him? Thereās no way he couldāve found him. But overall I really liked this one.
Ok ranking time! So baseline I enjoyed all of these but these are the ones I enjoyed the most.
The Stars in Your Eyes: it was good! And itās made for a very interesting conversation starter.
Roommate: super cute and simple! Nice and sweet.
Olive juice: so good but so sad
The Shots You Take: perfection.
So heated rivalry has made me a reader. I read now but so far basically just contemporary gay romance. Like itās not like I wasnāt a reader before heated rivalry, it was just that I read fanfiction because it was familiar, I already knew the characters and it was low commitment.
But the entire game changers series was suddenly over and read in the span of like two weeks and then I went back to fanfiction and then I read so many that I was desperate to read more but the format of the game changers series being about a new couple each time made me desire new characters.
So I read another Rachel Reid book that wasnāt connected to the game changers series and The Shots You Take is by far my favourite.
And then after that I read TJ Kluneās Olive juice because a friend recommended that author and I loved that short story even if it was devastatingly sad.
Iāve read a few more gay books and while Iām still a bit picky about it, I donāt really love smut so I just sorta tolerate it when it shows up in the books which is incredibly ironic considering what heated rivalry is known for but itās just that good.
Anyways the best way I think I can describe my love of contemporary gay fiction is that Iām nosy. I like being on public transit and imagining about all the lives people live and reading those types of books is like that but way more in depth.
Honestly I donāt need to really think of reasons as to why I like these book. I just do. Though I do fear that I already see potentially worrying things on the horizon as a lot of these books seem to follow a lot of tropes. But like when I read fanfictions I basically read the same story written by different people and perspectives over and over so Iām sure itāll be fine. But also, I donāt want to get bored⦠Iām enjoying reading. But I guess the enjoyable books that are just good if a bit boring elevates the really good ones.
Also my writing tastes arenāt super picky. Like they are but they arenāt. I obviously am picky because I know what I like in romance books so if it seems to lean more on smut rather than slice of life Iāll steer clear. But like I read for enjoyment and I think Iām pretty easy to please. That isnāt to say that these books donāt deserve to be read critically but Iām moreso kicking and screaming about how cute it is rather than if the prose and the flow of the story is good.
Reading is dangerous I meant to go to bed an hour ago!!!