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A life anew Anticipates a life of fundamentalism Fundamentals that break down truth The truth of what is good Of what is wrong A life that thrives Thrives in the light of what has become The new version of me Doing the right thing The realization that it is love that makes the world go round Love will grow Love will diminish But we fight to find ourselves To find our niche What does it take to win this battle? Some will never know As knowing takes sacrificing what we once thought were things we loved Until we rid of them In order to find who we are There's a fundamental goodness in everyone Those that seek it will find it Others won't And that's what leads to hate Misery Death So when we find the good We must strive to never let it go The life anew must become a residual life Never to lead us astray from what we know now For we are now at ease

In Love

I might be experiencing true love for the first time. When I got sober, I waited a year and a half to have my first sexual relationship. It lasted for a few weeks, but I wasn't attracted to the guy. The sex wasn't good, and I felt no chemistry. I was fine with stopping talking to him because I saw no point in it continuing. When I met Steve about a month later, everything changed. The reason I believe I am in love is because of how much we care for each other. We talk about our future. He talks about us living together one day. He talks about renting a camper and traveling through the entire United States. He says he will never leave me. He constantly tells me how much he loves me and that I make him happy. He tells me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. The thing is, I feel all the same things he feels. We are a team and work together to make each other happy, and this is something I have never experienced before. I've done some research on what love means and how to know if someone is the one. The Bible says that love endures all things. That love doesn't envy and doesn't boast. Sometimes I try to find ways to make him jealous, but that's just a way of seeking validation and it's very selfish and something I need to stop because I don't need that validation especially after I have worked on validating myself. I truly think that the two of us are madly in love. There is so much passion and compassion in our relationship. It's crazy because I never in my life imagined that I would be with someone like him. Well, physically at least. I always thought I would be with a man like dad. A rich man who wears preppy clothes and has no tattoos, piercings, anything of the sort. Steve is nothing like that. I have prayed for a man that treats me right and that truly loves and trusts me. And that I have finally found. Yeah, he has tattoos and (he took his gauges out), but I love him and accept him for the way he is. As long as he is happy with the way he is physically, mentally, and emotionally; I'm fine by that. Because I truly want him to be the way he wants to be without reservation due to me. Brad always has told me to wait until my 30s to find the right man. I did that. Not on purpose, it's just the way it happened. Granted we have only been dating for 5 weeks, I've still never felt this before. He loves me immensely and would do anything for me. And I am the same way with him. When there is so much passion and love for each other that the two of us have, I believe that is being madly in love.

Please

The Taste of cigarettes and whiskey As his lips enclosed over mine A desperate plea For solitude A quest for fulfillment A fleeing disposition Quick to explode A sort of infatuation that blocks all sense of logic and normalcy Leads to more begging More pleading For togetherness in a quiet place A desire for deep embracement There are factors that leave the quest of acceptance unresolved She doesn't know how she feels She know it feels good She knows it isn't love She thinks it's a distraction A distraction from sadness..life itself In these moments of comforting words and touch The kind that turn her on So that every time she runs, she comes back for more To hear the words once more... You're beautiful You're awesome You're smart Your hair Your lips Your eyes that touch my heart Your smile Your body Your everything I'm falling for you deeply You're damn near perfect Let's run away These Words of affirmation I cannot run away from this ...not yet....

Unrequited (On Both Parts)

Scars that fade Flowers that die Memories that dissipate

….love that is lost….

Hate that forgives Death that turns to life Joy that’s forgotten

A new light ensues An uncomfortable dimness The begging The pleading Of acknowledgement

The desperation truly separates Something that could have been

"People find where the belong or keep on."

Why hold on to something worth losing? Why miss something that wasn't meant to be? Why love someone who won't love you back? Why keep trying when your gut says you're better off letting it go? Why crave misery?

Hatred of the World

A fleeting moment of translucent contentment suddenly transforms into an anguished, contemptible, maddening, hateful, resentful, spiteful, implorable, and indefinite moment. The contentment was too short-lived. The latter is harsher and much too long. An alligator could begin feeding on his toes and slowly begin to shatter his bones one by one until the tip of his head is reached, and I would not shed a tear. This is why I am not equipped for relationships. I hate drama but always get myself into it. Here's to hate. What a fluffy life that is full of light. I should have started running from the start. I'm sick of apologizing to literally EVERYONE in my path. The bartender, the random fat guy, my mom's boyfriend, my family, my ex, my friends, the skinny gay guy, the ugly guy that never has made a dental appointment, the devoutly religious, the woman that laughed too loud, the redneck with too much cologne, the girl I embarrassed, the group of girls that I eyed down, the person I slept with, the person I didn't sleep with, the man over there, the woman over there, the child over there, therapists, weirdos, normal people, sluts, duds, idiots, the people standing in a room full of vomit, and the nice guy that was only trying to be nice.

Current (always) Fav Bands

Modest Mouse Death Cab Bon Iver Arcade Fire Simon and Garfunkel

"When you know, you know..."

How must one decipher whether love is wrong or right? Is the act of questioning an attempt to its justification? Is the doubt even justified? Will there be an answer before it is too late? Is it too early to know? There are only three options; I beg for reason to state my claim- my one and only option. My hastening has led to worry.

Life Lessons

- If you see something that needs to be done, just go ahead and do it because I promise you no one else will. (i.e. pick up a piece of ice that has dropped on the floor so that no one, including yourself, will slip, obvi)

If a guy adds you as a friend on any social media platform, don’t for one second think he is trying to send you any hints. Because he isn’t.

- Never- I say NEVER- tell anyone anything you do not wish to be repeated. Because it will be repeated no matter how much that person claims it won’t. No matter how close you are with that person. No matter how trustworthy you believe that person to be. That person will tell someone. Whether a family member, a boyfriend, a husband, a friend, an acquaintance, a shrink, a homeless person….you get the picture. You can probably tell your mom, but that’s it. Your sister will probably tell her boyfriend or best friend out of concern.

-Lower your expectations. Just do it. Being let down is the pits.

-shut up. Stop talking. Stop thinking.

-stop trying to make him jealous. It, A, isn’t working. And ,C, isn’t giving him an incentive to speak to you ever again like you’d thought you hoped for.

-love yourself before loving someone else. This one is crucial.

Jotted Memories

2007: hippie phase - found a bag of old costumes in the hippie house I lived in which consisted of no bed and a floor that i slept on. Also a cum-ridden couch. I dressed as a cowgirl. Clark dressed as a 20’s whore. We went to a bar then knocked on the doors of neighbors trying to find someone willing to let us in to continue our party. we succeeded. and partook in things involving sniffing or inhaling, i’m sure.

2007: hippie phase again - the day of the presidential debate in oxford. i wore a free people dress. a $5 patchwork sack-bag. a leather braided headband that sat horizontally on my forehead. f’d up. walked around holding an obama sign all day. in MISSISSIPPI. yes, i received hell for it. afterwards, i met a man in his mid-50’s who asked me to his hotel room. he was a camera-man from cbs. i didn’t got o the room but did talk to him on the phone from time to time when he left. He helped me with my French homework.

Unrequited Love

Too many reasons to name why you would disrupt all of my ways. I'd scream and shout to just find out my heart was breaking a little bit more. The feelings are over-bearing, but we must break them down. We can't fall along the way. What is the point of suffering to be left as another speck of dust? I can't say it will pass as the pain and the hope travels throughout my soul. What is left of this heart but another piece of broken glass? It goes without saying that it will too, however, pass. I will refuse to be the one you choose to go to out of boredom. I am stronger. I am better. Than you.

The Other Me

Oh, the longing to be that woman again who's only hardship in life was a breakup. Who's wildest dream had not yet come true- and when it did, it was merely a letdown. Who's eyes were broader than a horizon yet focused on a mere speck of the sun. Who's dreams were sculpted from music, film, books, and art. Who's love for mankind had not yet diminished. Who's passions were of the simple things. Who's idea of reality painted a perfect picture. Who's mind was focused on the beauty and the familiarity of the cruel world. A mind of it's own yet more common than not. Who's greatest fear was of nothing more than the unknown. Who's envy had not yet perspired. And who's love has not yet demolished.

Sick & Tired

Tired of all the Yankees. Tired of all the rednecks. Tired of of my job. Tired of unemployment. Tired of grief. Tired of pushing grief away. Tired of an alarm. Tired of no alarm. Tired of boredom. Tired of too many plans. Tired of urban transportation. Tired of rural transportation. Tired of being too hot. Tired of being too cold. Tired of green grass. Tired of no grass at all. Tired of rain. Tired of sun. Tired of nice people. Tired of mean people. Tired of boys. Tired of girls. Tired of being fake. Tired of being upfront. Tired of no sleep. Tired of too much sleep. Tired of family. Tired of non-family. Tired of hate. Tired of love. Tired of independence. Tired of dependence. Tired of ambition. Tired of lack-thereof. Tired of not learning. Tired of being taught. Tired of silence. Tired of too much noise. Tired of confusion. Tired of understanding. Tired of crying. Tired of laughing. Tired of misery. Tired of happiness. Tired of death. Ultimately tired of life.

And you forget to look around. Because the only thing in the world that matters is the one you love.

Dreams As of Late

I am having continuous dreams that I fall in love with a terrorist. Last night a group of terrorists (both male and female) approached a group of people I was amongst that I apparently knew and trusted and took us captive. The man that took me was dressed as an Iranian soldier in a tan colored sailor hat, pants tucked into his socks, and the sleeves of his button-down shirt were carelessly rolled halfway up his forearm. A gun was slung around his shoulder which inevitably hit his back as we began running away, our hands interlinked. I fell in love at first sight. Shortly afterwards a group of police, or FBI, took him from me as they forced a navy colored burlap sack over his head and handcuffed him as he began to kick and scream in hopes of escaping. By the end of this, I was again in the original room where he, the terrorist, took me away where the original group of terrorists were surrounding us. Fear took me over as the group realized one of their fellow members was missing. They wanted to find the one he left with and blame that person. I held back tears as tried every excuse to try not be to the one to blame. They figured he was either dead or had been arrested. As I tried to keep it hidden that I knew what had happened, everything was being done to try to figure it out. People were then chosen to stay and go under further investigation, but the terrorists let me leave without killing me. I was thankful but also realized I was missing something as I walked away. My love was distant in every way but it didn't matter. I chose life over death as my soul began to empty. He was gone. Just like that.

What is Art?

I am passionate for what art truly is. Yes, but what "truly" is art? That's just it. The nature of art is truth. It's the expression of something honest. One cannot convey such truth without a connection to emotion. It's just impossible. It is of course possible to be influenced after observing someone else's emotion. But that influence has to come from somewhere. The interest in the emotion itself is art. An artist simply cannot hold emotions in. And there is no other way in expressing it to its fullest extent. None other than through art.

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