im glad you feel more comfortable being open with us, and im happy to learn so much about you. fandom spaces can often be very centered around the good and refusing of the suffering, and i appreciate knowing someone else exists who has complicated feelings- im glad to know you, and thank you for sharing your story. it matters more than i can really say lol
awwww frankiiieeee :(:(:(:(:( thank you 🫂🫂🫂
i've been pretty open about the suicides. i mean, i like to think so, but just to the extent of "i had two friends commit when i was younger" and ive left it at that.
soon after it happened, i had people around me deny it. it sounds like a silly story, and even with all the chain of events memorized by heart, i still sometimes refuse to believe it happened to begin with. it's an absurd story, how could anyone believe me?
even now i go back on my memories and worry that i just dreamt all that, that im lying for attention, but the way my body instinctually reacts at the thought of it... i just know its not true. it took me three years to even acknowledge it truly happened. it took me six to finally start working through that trauma.
with my friends, i always share my story with them. not as a way to guilt trip them into staying alive, but to show them what they would miss if they didn't hold on.
i've hit every milestone with them in mind. i remember the day i graduated, after we got home from family dinner, i had locked myself in my room and sobbed. just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. i had graduated early with four cords, college credits, and the achievement of founding AND being president of my schools student council.
i had all of these achievements, all of these milestones, and the only thing i could think about was them and how they would never get this. it was such a heavy, heavy weight to hold, especially since i never expected to be alive to see my graduation.
i have such complicated feelings and thoughts around suicide and mental illnesses. i have experienced and seen far too much, so many possibilities and hypotheticals, that nothing really... phases me? i mean, it does, it will eventually weigh on me, but... it's not shocking or overly triggering.
i share my story and experiences in hope that people can relate, can feel heard, can know they aren't alone. i was so alone as a child, with no one to help me or simply tell me "it's okay to not be okay, and you're not the only one," so i promised myself i would be that person for so many people.
im glad im able to connect with you through my story, in whatever way you felt that connection. thank you for sharing this with me.
