So, I’m back into writing again (hopefully). It’s been a year since my last post, but I still remember clearly what that was about and how I felt when I wrote that. I was lost but still got a little hope and dream back then.
But do I found my way now? Sadly, no, still lost. I feel more lost than before, if that’s even possible. I had wondered between here and there, tried to find a way to reach what I thought I wanted. But along the way, slowly I lost that purpose and goal. I thought I can focus on searching for a way to pursue my dreams while I’m working on other things. But I was wrong. The works consumed me, all of my time and energy. Suddenly I live just for my works.
Then it’s hit me, I lost that willingness and excitement to find my dreams, my goals. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even try to work on my dreams anymore. I always feel like I can do those later but then a year already passed by.
Today, I listened to this one song where they quoted Martha Graham’s. “A dancer dies twice, once when they stop dancing, and this first death is the more painful.”
It’s triggering something in my mind. This, is my first death. Losing my excitement and passion to pursue something that I want. Feeling lost and helpless. All I can feel is this numbness feeling, but it’s also painful.
Looking back to it, I figured that the cause of all these feelings is because I’m afraid to fail again. After failed for so many times, I’ve become anxious and didn’t want to face my fears. Now, I’m thankful that I figured this problem even though I still afraid and lost. I did made this exactly wish last year but again, I hope this year will be better than last year. Let’s pray for our existence.
