Bad days.

:(:

[butyoupromised-it]

I know you're right and it makes sense. I'm not trying to live in a constant state of what ifs. I'm not questioning things because I don't care but because this matters to me. more than I can explain. If I tell you the truth, I might lose you. If I don't tell you, I will lose you anyway. I won't win. Maybe I just need some time to make sense of everything in my head and find the right way to open up. I never meant to disappoint or hurt you. I probably shouldn't have reached out, and I'm sorry if I distance myself from you once again and push you away. I don't know how to stop myself. I really am sorry.

I have been thinking about this. But are you really choosing to just leave it like this instead of talking to me and explain? Because tbh that is what it sounds like. I’m just trying to understand… I guess I will just have to wait till you’re ready to open up. I hope you’re doing okay.

[butyoupromised-it]

Putting my thoughts into words feels like choosing which part of myself to sacrifice. No relief, only punishment. If I said everything out loud, is my truth something you'd stay for or something you'd walk away from? How are you so certain you'd stay, when I don't think you could love me through it? You might say you understand, then slowly pull back. Like empathy fades when it's faced with facts. What if I'm just in love with what I thought we could be? What if being together was never an option for us? What if everything I'm holding onto leads nowhere? What if wanting you was the price of never having you? What if we were everything, except possible? ... My mind is crowded with so many questions. Maybe saying nothing is the only way I don't ruin this. Maybe I'm meant to love you in silence, without ever having you.

I hear how crowded your mind is and I don’t doubt for a second that this feels heavy and frightening for you but I want to understand. You’re afraid that if you told me the truth, I’d walk away. That I’d understand at first, and then slowly pull back when the “facts” set in but the truth is, this silence and distance are the only things that have ever pushed me away. I keep wondering what this truth is that feels so dangerous to say. What facts about you, about us, do you believe I couldn’t love you through? Love can’t live only in questions and “what ifs.” If you keep asking whether it was ever possible, whether wanting me means never having me, whether we were everything except possible… you’ll always find reasons not to move. You can question every choice in life until it feels impossible to make any. I don’t need certainty about the future. I don’t need promises you’re not sure you can keep. What I do need is honesty and presence. Saying nothing and taking your distance doesn’t protect this, it freezes it. I’m not asking you to have all the answers. I’m asking whether you’re willing to speak, even when it’s scary, instead of deciding for me that I wouldn’t stay… I’m here, open and willing to listen. I don’t need you to be fearless, I need you to be willing. Willing to let me see you.

[butyoupromised-it]

Is it wrong to admit that I want you? I kept looking for pieces of you in other people. I tried to find what we had in someone else. To fill the hollow space inside of me, hoping to feel even the smallest spark. But it felt wrong from the beginning. You never left my mind. They were never you, and no matter how hard they tried, they could never be you. All it did was flood me with anger, sadness and guilt. It felt like I was lying to myself, lying to them, tearing my own heart apart and somehow still betraying you. Is it strange to say that.. and still truly mean it? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you confused. Reaching out was probably a bad idea. It feels like I'm tearing open a wound, you healed / moved on from a long time ago. Dragging both of us back into this mess I created. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to lie to you but I didn't know how to tell the truth without losing you. And I hate myself the way my fear turned into silence and regret. But my words, are, just words. I guess. Maybe it's the late nights, staying up past midnight with my thoughts. that are making me talk nonsense. And maybe miss you even more. I'm sorry. You really are an incredible human being. You deserve the world, and maybe, deep down, I know I don't have what it takes to give you what you deserve. I won't ever be good enough for you.

It’s not wrong to admit that you want me. And it doesn’t sound strange either, it sounds honest. Hearing that I mattered to you, that I stayed with you, that what we had couldn’t be replaced… of course that touches me deeply. I won’t pretend it doesn’t, to know you want me and that you’ve carried this for so long. It tells me what we shared was real. Reaching out wasn’t a mistake. I don’t see it that way at all. Communication is never wrong to me. What’s hard is not knowing where it’s coming from or what it’s leading to, especially when you say yourself that you don’t know what you want or are afraid you can’t give more than words. I need to be honest too: words alone, no matter how beautiful or emotional, aren’t something you can build on. They really mean something to me but only in full if they’re supported by presence, consistency and choice. A real chance would require both of us to show up fully, openly, responsibly, even when it’s uncomfortable. I understand your fear more than you think. I just wish you knew that telling me the truth wouldn’t make you lose me. What I need most is honesty, communication, not perfection. I need you to hear this just as clearly: you were always good enough for me. You don’t have to become someone else or prove anything to deserve me or what we had. In my heart, you already did and you still do. I care about you SO deeply. I always have but the question isn’t whether you’re enough for me, it’s whether you believe you can choose this, and me, without running from it.

[butyoupromised-it]

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I reread your message. It took me hours to try to think of something to write, and even now I find myself just staring at my phone. I realised I don't fully know what my purpose was in messaging you, maybe because in some way I didn't expect you to respond at all, especially not so quickly after being absent on here for so long. I have spent a long time replaying the almost's , but what stays with me the most is you questioning whether it's truly too late or not. I don’t know the answer nor do I have any expectations. I just know I don't want to repeat old patterns of disappearing and reappearing, or giving you hope through false promises because of the coward I am. That wouldn't be fair to you. You were everything good, and I was never someone who deserved you. Even if this is all it's meant to be, I will always care for you and hold you close in my thoughts. You have been, and will always be, a meaningful part of my life. And I'm grateful for you, forever and always.

I’ve also spent the past week feeling a bit lost in my own head, unsure of what I’m really feeling or fully understanding. So I hear you when you say you don’t quite know what your intention was or what you expected from reaching out. I can understand that confusion even though it’s also hard for me to hear that you don’t know what you want. I truly appreciate the respect and care behind your words and the fact that you don’t want to fall back into old patterns or hurt me. That means more to me than I can probably explain. If I’m honest about what my heart says, it’s simple: please don’t go again… At the same time, I’m also scared and cautious because I don’t want to reopen hope or feelings if they don’t truly mean something to you. I don’t think either of us will ever really know whether it’s too late or not without trying and trying means being open, showing up, taking responsibility, choosing honesty, and all the difficult beautiful things that come with that. We haven’t spoken in a long time, that’s true but I can’t help but wonder if it really means nothing that we still think of each other. That there’s still some kind of missing, some quiet longing there. No matter what this becomes or doesn’t become, I will always look back on what we shared with love. I will always admire you for who you are, I will always care for you and not out of habit, not out of nostalgia but because you mattered, and you still do. I’m endlessly grateful for you, forever and always. That’s a promise.

[butyoupromised-it]

I still think of you, probably more than I'd like to admit. It's strange because we never called it something, we just knew and I think that's what hurts the most. Because knowing meant responsibility and I kept choosing to distance myself over staying. The worst part is understanding that something might have happened if I ever stopped running and hiding. We never fell apart. We never broke up. We just never began and somehow that feels worse. I carry the blame quietly. I live with the aftermath of my own decisions. Every almost. Every moment I destroyed. Imagine where we would be in life right now if it wasn't for me. Though, I hope you're happy. I hope the world's been gentle with who you turned out to be and that you have found the calm we were always searching for.

I still think of you too. And I think, in some quiet way, we might always think of each other, or at least wonder. Reading your message hurts but only because it's true. We never gave it a name, yet we both knew exactly what it was. And somehow without saying it out loud, it made everything heavier. I won’t lie, hearing you acknowledge this brings a strange kind of comfort. It feels like a conformation I didn't realize how long I had been carrying with me. Sometimes I do wonder if it's truly too late for us, or if we're just two people being afraid and a little foolish, standing in our own way. Still, I appreciate your honesty more than you probably know and I hope, just like you do, that wherever life takes us, it treats us gently. You truly deserve to have and recieve all the happiness and kindness.

[butyoupromised-it]

forever grieving what we could have been

me too.. This will always make me a little sad.

I really hope you’re doing well and that you’re happy.

[butyoupromised-it]

You don’t have to believe me. I don't even fully understand it myself and that’s okay. I just know that no matter how much time passes by, my mind will always find its way back to you.

I miss you.

[butyoupromised-it]

Forever in love with you.

I’m at loss for words tbh, I have been staring at this message the whole day lol, this is so cute but I don’t think that’s possible 🥺

[1anonyymous1]

i hope everything gets easier soon. or at least funnier.

[l1amaani]

a love language

[b-baka-baka]

THIS!!

[szlochy]

[pouringrainpoems]

Is it even possible for someone to love someone like me?

[sewmyeyes91]

I just want to be held and told I’m not as worthless as I think am

[pisces-amor]

[fromhersoul]

[emotionalwords]

no one talks about how hard it is when your mood is constantly switching between "it’s okay, i don’t care. i’m fine" and "i don’t know how much more i can take"

[emotionalwords]

that feeling when you're too tired and drained from everything and you don't know what to do anymore but cry.