Just A Broken Heart Grieving Into The Void

I didn't get to say goodbye. So without closure, this is where I will pour my grief. You may find in this blog contradictions, misalignments, shifting opinions and perspectives, as well as messy, disorganized emotions. My many selves have their many takeaways, and so do I. That's okay. This is a process. It won't always make sense. It won't always reflect my best self. It won't always illustrate my genuine overall views. But here, in these pages, I allow myself to be the complex, complicated, fucked up, yearning, struggling, imperfect human that I am, striving to accept myself as I try to accept this loss. Follow along if you want, and please allow some of my pain to help lessen yours.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

I still love you.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

I don't know you anymore.

I'm not sure I ever did.

[thoughtkick]

“No-one will love you exactly the way you want them to. You just have to let them do their best.”

— Unknown

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

No one is good enough for you. No one is pure enough, clean enough, faultless enough. No one can be complex in your world. People are either GOOD or they are BAD.

And that's why you're alone.

Because you shun people who show a normal sense of human "badness" (read: not morally perfect) and you cannot find anyone to fit your perfect mold of human "goodness" because it doesn't exist. Nobody can compete with the tiny world you inhabit that's built on unrealistic ideas of what human beings really are.

So you will stay alone.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

You were a pick-up artist out of his depth.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

It was never your responsibility to shield me from the darkness we both knew I would seek without the safety of us. Nor was it my responsibility to shield you from seeking your own darkness.

But you spat us both out to face the darkness alone, and that risk deserved acknowledgment.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

You wanted to stay within the torturous comforts of your hovel. But to be with me was to have to come out of your dark little hole, and be challenged by the world. You thought you wanted that. You thought you wanted me. But you couldn't have both.

So you made your choice.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

hey i really see myself in your posts and theyve helped me through some shit, hope youre doing okay <3

I'm so happy I could help. Take care of yourself <3

[remanence-of-love]

[stay-close]

“Someone who truly loves you, sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, and how hard you can be to handle, but still wants you.”

— Unknown

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

I thought that was you.

You promised it was you, over and over and over again.

You told me I wasn't too much. You told me you weren't afraid of conflict or communication. You told me not to shut you out. You told me I was safe to be myself. You told me my issues weren't problems, just details. You told me you were able and willing to work through literally anything. You came across like you were fearless in the face of a mental illness that wasn't your own.

And I fell for it.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

I'm not like you. I don't spill my guts to strangers.

Your trauma is like candy you pass out to anyone with a sweet tooth. My trauma is something I hide and protect with exhausting hypervigilance. You have no idea how precious and privileged my secrets were, how fragile and significant it was that I let you in so deep. You have no idea how rare and deep that vulnerability was.

And I guess you can walk away so casually because you habitually trauma dump and overshare to people you barely know. It's no big deal to you, having shared those things about yourself.

Well it was a big fucking deal for me to have given you those secrets.

I feel robbed.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

This wasn't a breakup.

This was a drive-by.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

You broke open my chest, dug out all the deepest secrets closest to my heart, ripped them out, and ran off with them.

You emotionally disemboweled me.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

If you are "fine," what we had was not love.

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

I want all my secrets back.

[mournfulroses]

Simone de Beauvoir, from "Inseraparable: A Never Before Published Novel,"

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

I wish I hadn't.

[thoughtkick]

“And love is when someone who even knows your scars, stays to kiss them.”

— Benjamin Griss

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

But you didn't, did you?

I'm easier in theory than in practice, aren't I?

[buzzzkillpoetryassassin]

You did exactly what you said you wouldn't - tell me something is okay when it isn't, only to drop the bomb later on that it was never okay, causing me to question all the memories I considered precious.

You promised me you would never do that.

You promised many things.