“maybe, but i want to,” beth shrugs a little. she is so used to feeling things on her own, keeping things bottled up inside to protect others from years of pent up rage and upset, so while she was more than willing to sign up for the bond, she was less prepared to allow someone access to her emotions; a downside that wasn’t fully grasped until right now. until now, beth has been as happy as one could be considering her circumstances, basilio hadn’t been exposed to any other side than that so, when those walls crumbled, beth could only apologise over and over again – she wouldn’t even wish heartbreak on the person that killed her husband, and the knowledge that basilio basically has a front row ticket to it… breaks her more. “that’s the thing, basilio. it’s my own pain, i should be the one to shoulder it. i’m so used to sheltering my kids from it that i started doing it in every aspect of my life. i don’t want to be that broken and sad single mother, and the fact that you’re exposed to it every time i start to feel something?” she shakes her head. beth doesn’t have a problem with most things, usually allowing things to go with the flow as she firmly believes in come what may but this? this she has a problem with. “thank you,” she smiles. “i’m just really thankful she’s safe, too. i don’t think i would cope if i lost either of them, too…” she trails off, busying herself with the coffee making. the small brush of thumb across her shoulder causes her to pause and she takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “i don’t think i can promise that,” she turns to face him once more. “at this point, worrying is my biggest skill set and i’m not sure how i can turn it off so, unfortunately, all i’m going to do is worry about you,” she points out, offering a sheepish look along with her words. she’ll worry even when she’s told not to, it’s what makes her who she is. “i would like to say that you don’t have to apologise either, but i figure it’s just going to be something of the norm from here on out so we may as well just accept the fact that our lives offer up a lot to be sorry for.” she then turns again to finish off the coffee then hands him a mug that reads i <3 mommy on the side, a present she got from her son when he was just five years old. she doesn’t mean to, but she stares at the mug now in the shadowhunter’s hand and smiles. “god, i’m that mom,” she eventually laughs. “sorry, i kind of zoned out there.”
with his hands half way up in the air, basilio dramatically surrendered. he was that kind of guy who wants the people he likes to be comfortable, not feeling guilty or sorry for things they don’t really have much control over, while he does the exact opposite of what he preaches. in this case, he knew there was no fooling beth. besides being what seemed like an incredibly smart woman, the werewolf was also mystically bonded to him. it did neither of them any good for bas to say she shouldn’t be sorry only for him to, in the next occasion, say he’s sorry for something as well. “not that i’m eager to experience your pain, because well, i wish you didn’t feel any, but this isn’t a one way street, you know? it was never one-sided. i knew what i was signing up for when i did.” and he didn’t regret it ONE BIT. despite the hardship of experiencing feelings he never thought he would - like a weird, protective heartache basilio assumed was of motherly origin -, he was also glad to be experiencing things he’d always wanted to: a true connection to someone. “but if you’re second guessing this... i’m sure we could find someone to undo it? they can’t really force us, you know?” he decided that saying that was a good way of making sure she was actually comfortable with this. he knew, probably more than anyone else, how excruciating it was to have to share ALL your feelings, and if beth wasn’t liking the experience, he would understand. although he secretly (or not so secretly - you know, the bond) wished she was willing to stay.
“you’re not losing them. with this mom instinct thing you have? i’m pretty sure your kids are save from all harm.” bas half-joked. he was, in fact, in awe of how beth handled being a mother. he knew what a protective mom was - he grew up with one - and yet, beth managed to surprise him. “fine. we’ll just have to deal with it, then: you’ll worry about me, i’ll worry about you in return, you’ll apologize, i’ll apologize, then we’ll go on.” it seemed like an okay agreement. at least it showed that they actually cared about each other enough to a) worry about one another, and b) be able to apologize. basilio picked up the mug as beth handed it to him, and nodded while mouthing a small ‘thank you’. he read the words on it with what seemed like a part-sad, part-nostalgic, part-joyful smile stamped on his face. it was quite endearing, actually, and he’d once given his mom a mug that looked exactly like that. for a second he felt a bit of a sting in his chest, but he took the coffee into his mouth to wash it down. “no, no, it’s okay. i’m pretty sure if i were a dad i’d be that dad, too. the ‘number one dad in the world’ mug kind of dad. the dad jokes kind of dad, as well.” there was no harm in talking about hypothesis. it’s not like basilio would ever be able to settle down and have children anyway, despite how much he might have wanted to. it was far too late for that now.
