{{ ⚔ — whatever it takes. }}

life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle.

[cxmbatant]

trcnsfcrmative:

     “i want…” it’s on the tip of her tongue, the declaration. the desire to admit the truth of the matter. that she can’t move forward without fixing things, or at least knowing that she tried. that her feelings for leigh won’t just go away as much as she wants them to, as much as they both want them to. being together is a risk not only because of what she is but because of who she is. especially now given the rising tensions between shadowhunters and downworlders, the clave is hardly going to look fondly on their relationship. there are countless reasons that this may not work; not only the undeniable fact that rory ended things before they’d even truly officially begun. but if there is a chance….

           “you.” she says firmly, closing the gap between them. “i want to close the whole damn world out. to stop listening to the voices in my head that tell me feeling like this is too much of a risk. to shut the goddamn clave down for making you feel like you have to hide who you are. to stop thinking about what has passed, the things that ruined my life, and realize that the best choice i made with my fucking stupid heart was to let you into it.”

      it’s like her lungs forget how to function as she waits, unknowingly holding her breath, for the other to make up her mind on what she wants. for the first time in her life, leigh is able to be who she wants to be, to love who she wants to love, and to be comfortable in her own skin while she does so. yet, this moment - this very moment - feels like it has the potential to decide what happens next; an occurrence that goes against absolutely everything she’s just preached about moments before. leigh likes to be in control of her own life, to steer it in the direction she feels is necessary, and to survive in a way that she can, at the end of the day, be somewhat proud of. yet, here she is. here she is waiting on the words that could either make or break her; waiting on words that will change her life one way or the other, and, at this point, she’s not entirely sure which way the pendulum will even swing. it’s hard to tell when the person she wants to be able to read the most is a stone wall.

      “--- me?” the air stills around them and any air that is left in her lungs is suddenly stolen, leaving the shadowhunter breathless and gasping for air. all those words, they seem nice and comforting in theory - like they have the potential to mean great things for the two of them, yet at the back of her mind leigh can’t help but pull each sentence apart, to dissect each word as if to find a hidden meaning behind each and every one -- to find the loophole that would have rory walking out of the door instead of into her arms, and this? she’s tired. she wants to be able to hold the one she cares about and not be terrified that they’ll leave a second later. she wants to smile, and laugh, and cry about dumb things like they do in the movies that rory once spent a whole day introducing her to. it’s the little things she wants, but it seems like those will forever be tainted by the lingering notion that the concept of her, of leighton rose lowcrest, might not be enough. and she wants to be - by the angel, she wants to be - so, she does the only thing she knows how to.

      she fights.

      she fights the thoughts and the negative feelings and everything that keeps her nailed to the ground. she fights the urge to turn and run, and she fights the urge to send the werewolf out. but, on the other hand, she fights for her. she fights for rory. reaching out, leigh gently moves her fingers through the wolf’s hair, slowly hooking it behind the woman’s ear so that she can see her face more clearly. “then... stay,” she all but whispers, honey brown hues searching for the response that will set her heart alight once more. 

[starhlord]

Visit Original Link

[cxmbatant]

it’s been absolutely ages since i was able to do replies which means my activity pages have all flatlined and i have no idea what i owe or not, so - if i owe you a reply and you would like it continued on any of my nerds pls through the link my way as it’ll be much easier than me going through every single character and going back and forth between everyone’s find what i owe asafeed, but also - if you would like me to post something for your characters hmu and i’ll get on that asapy :)

[rpxmusings]

                        𝓶𝔂𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯 𝓪𝓷𝓭  𝓘                         we    share    this                         barely     beating                         ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ   ᴏꜰ   ʜᴜʀᴛ

[cxmbatant]

trcnsfcrmative:

          why ?? the question leigh demands of her is one she is still asking herself. why did she come here ?? why did she fabricate a reason, an excuse ?? she’d suspected that her sweater was here, that there were remnants of her still left behind at leigh’s place. but she hadn’t really cared. it was never about the missing clothes, it was about the missing piece. her. “i’m not trying to be confusing-” the wolf sighs, nails digging into her palms. “i just don’t know how to…” she pauses, the confession sticking in her mouth. “be without you.” it’s unfair to say these things when she is the one that pushed them apart. but she cannot help herself. her life has changed having leigh in it and she doesn’t know how, doesn’t want to find out how, she’s supposed to go back. 

     she mirrors the shadowhunter’s movement without thinking, stepping closer to her. there’s an imploring, pleading look upon her face that she hasn’t worn in weeks. “i won’t make that choice for you again.” rory starts, arms wrapping tighter around her frame as she speaks. “i know that you and i…it’s not easy. especially now with the way things are. but i don’t…” she shakes her head, voice cracking. “i don’t want you to settle. i don’t want you to stop caring. because i haven’t stopped caring about you.”

      “and you think i do?” leigh lifts her brows as hands flap helplessly in the air. “i didn’t ask for you, and i really didn’t want you, but i do. i came over to america to fulfil my duty; to start again and be something more than what i felt i was, but instead i’m plagued with a twisted stomach and a loneliness that i’ve never had before,” she quietly admits. “being a shadowhunter is who and what i am, yet here i am -- i care about someone so much that it cripples me, and i’m... out to my brother.” if it hadn’t been for rory’s influence in leigh’s life, she figures that she would have never crumbled as much as she did; she wouldn’t have told her brother - her biggest hero - the secret that has been destroying her life since she was a child. now? now she’s free of a burden and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. yes, there’s more work to do and the bridge between herself and her brother now needs to be healed and rebuilt, but apart from that she’s never felt more... herself. “and no, i didn’t come out for you. a part of me wanted to come out so that i could be with you. so that you could be with all of me, but i don’t -- i don’t know how to be with someone that makes me feel like i’m never enough.”

      even leigh knows she’s worth more than that, and that’s saying something.

      “no, it’s not,” leigh agrees. at this point, she can’t even say what they are, she just knows that they are way beyond anything that can be classes as easy. they never were, and never will be. while rory speaks, leigh inhales slowly and deeply as her head tilts to the side. she’s getting so many confusing messages from the other that she doesn’t really know which one she should focus on. “so i care about you, and you supposedly care about me -- what are we supposed to do with that?” leigh asks, though there is no harshness in her voice. instead, there’s yearning for an answer that may just change her life once more. she just wants to know if it’s for the positive or the negative. by the angel, she’s praying for the positive. “what do you want, rory?”

[cxmbatant]

enzomcrelli:

“fuck, my eyes hurt.” enzo mumbles, squeezing his eyes shut and turning his head even as the teenagers walked away until they were out of sight. “my head hurts.” the werewolf adds after a few seconds, exaggerating just a bit. maybe he was an active participant of the ‘wear all black’ team. sue him. “i guess that’s why the no accounting for taste crap is a thing.”

      rarely ever stepping out of the door in anything less than black (maybe with a splash of dark green or navy thrown in), leigh has never really understood the need to walk around like someone has been attacked by a thousand paint bombs. it’s just... ridiculous. “where i’m from, if your clothes aren’t black it’s muted or pastel colours. nothing this wild, that’s for sure,” she shakes her head. “at least with those colours you’re not bound to drink yourself blind.”

[rpmusings-galore]

I am no longer  ( whole ) 

but, there is a   L I G H T  inside of me. 

                                   if i am breaking, then i will 

                                             shine through my  c r a c k s. 

                        and if i shatter on the floor, 

even if my pieces cannot be reformed 

                            at least i can be content

                  knowing i glowed bright enough 

             (  if but for an instant  )

                              to help you find your way

[cxmbatant]

trcnsfcrmative:

       perhaps this is another thing that pushes them apart - the lives they’ve lived have differed in every sense. rory is comfortable in who she is, it is what she does that they suffer for. leigh has never had that easiness, that inherent ability to accept and love herself. it is part of what made the wolf so desperate to make her open up, to show her that she had a right to be happy with whoever she wanted. of course, the vulnerability that she had worked so hard to attain with leigh backfired between them now. the cut of her words went that much deeper when she’d pushed her girlfriend aside. girlfriend - could she even call them that ?? had she even let it get that far before she’d fucked it up ?? “i know, i’m sorry.” she murmurs, ducking her gaze. “i shouldn’t have…i shouldn’t have said anything. i shouldn’t have come.” 

      one hand clutches her belongings to her chest, the other runs through mahogany waves, fingers catching in the tangles. “i don’t want to make things difficult for you. that’s the last thing i want after everything.” rory sighs, teeth gnawing on the side of her cheek. “but you have to know i regret what i said. i was terrified. of what had happened that night, of what was developing between us. i couldn’t deal with my feelings for you when the last person i loved had just tried to kill my brother. i don’t expect that to change anything now but i just…i just don’t want you to think you didn’t matter.” 

      “--- but you did,” leigh points out. “you chose to come here after everything,” the shadowhunter then adds. she doesn’t mean to be so sharp with her words and, for the most part, she just wants to be close to the wolf once more, but there are issues that leigh struggles to comprehend and with every passing second her mind becomes more clouded and swamped with questions upon questions, and most of them start with why are you here. of course, it could be as simple as her wanting her stuff back, but if there’s more to it leigh wants to know. she doesn’t like the not knowing. “you say one thing and do another, and that’s just -- that’s just confusing.”

      “see, that’s the thing -- things are always going to be difficult for me. i’m a shadowhunter who wants to be with a downworlder. a female downworlder, no less. do -- do you know what that means for someone like me? my life has always been difficult, and it will be for the rest of my life. you don’t get to decide to add to that or not because it’s never going to be your decision. i’m thirty-one, i should be allowed to make that decision on my own by now.” if it had been a year or so ago, leigh would never have said such a thing. she was an eternal people pleaser, always doing what is expected of her instead of what she expects of herself, and it. just. sucked. now? now she’s finally in a place where everything balances on her own thoughts and her own direction, and she’s never felt better. if only the rest of her life would follow suit. “i’m a gay woman covered in runes, rory. if there’s anything i understand it’s fear.” without thinking, she takes a couple of steps forward. “i don’t hate you for putting your brother first, and i don’t hate you for telling me that i mean nothing. what i can’t get over is how i feel because of it. i just -- i --” she shrugs and drops her hands to her side, fingers now fidgeting absently with the belt that loops around her dark jeans. “honestly, i don’t even know what to think. i just -- even after everything, i haven’t been able to settle without knowing that you’re okay.”

[sanversource]

[cxmbatant]

      “and people tell me my fashion sense is terrible,” the italian mutters as she watches two teenagers dressed from head to toe in neon colours; the brightness is almost enough to blind the shadowhunter but thankfully she looks away to save herself from more eye rolling. “mundanes are truly weird,” she then mutters under her breath.

STARTER FOR: @enzomcrelli

[cxmbatant]

      leigh is trying her hardest to focus on the crowd. she’s on patrol and was assigned one of the busiest sections of the city, though she has no one to blame for that except herself considering she volunteered for it. it’s hard to remain focus, however, when her eyes fall on a tall blonde who seems to be in a better moode than those around him. “what’s the secret?” leigh asks as they cross paths. “or is this the part where i ask if you’re up to something?”

STARTER FOR: @chesskyforth​

[cxmbatant]

brvnas:

“right. i keep forgetting that us, downworlders, have a slightly better grasp at mundane culture altogether,” it wasn’t meant to be an insult, just a mere observation. “it was a… movie reference – there’s this guy called darth vader and… yeah, no. i think you’re going to need to watch this,” bruna didn’t even bother to continue her explanation, figuring out that this wasn’t even the point of their conversation. but, to be fair, she had little to no idea what were they even going to talk about in the first place. either way, she was just glad she’s finally get to spend some time with her bond partner – mainly because it was an important thing, but also she honestly didn’t seem all that bad. 

“hey – it takes time to get better, i’m glad that i can make you feel something other than pain now. i will gladly continue to do it,” her words genuine, soft-spoken as if she truly means that for once. never let that go. fuck. there was no way bruna was going to mess this up. not this time around. her expression changes from a smile to a rather serious one, and she ends up looking blankly right behind leigh, just as if she’s seen a ghost. “i… i won’t. i am pretty sure i’m falling in love with her.” she just let that last sentence sink in, feeling the wave of realization wash over her.

      “it’s not something that my parents surrounded us with,” leigh shrugs. while some shadowhunters fed their curiosity with the mundane culture by immersing themselves in it, leigh had had no interest. her mind was focused on the things that were passed down to her; demon hunting, rune drawing and the protection of the mundane realm from anything and everything. it’s all she’s known and she’s not sure she’s ready to step out of that yet. after all, her abilities as a shadowhunter is literally the only thing in her life she has control over. “so, basically you’re going to make me watch it,” leigh half jokes. she doesn’t generally have time to spar to sit and watch things and she doesn’t even know if it’s something that she’ll enjoy, but she at least owes bruna the chance to show her -- after all, the werewolf has just spent months being dragged down by leigh’s self hatred.

      “yes, i know,” she nods slowly. until recently, it was time that leigh didn’t want to devote to the matter. she had found a strange comfort in her self destruction. for someone who strives for control, it just felt free to give in to the emptiness. now she’s making an effort and is trying her hardest to move out of that zone, it’s just... taking more time than leigh likes. “it doesn’t change the fact that whatever comes from me has the ability to consume what you feel. if i had known that this would happen then i -- i... wouldn’t have willingly put you through that,” she finally admits. leigh constantly fights against the bond and is always the one to keep it professional, but now she sees the woman as a kind of friend. “what’s -- what’s it like to fall in love with someone?”

[cxmbatant]

astcrs:

“— yeah. i said what i said, you heard me correctly,” she assured, a playful tone in place and a lazy smile was there, as well. she may have not felt like the best version of self at the moment, but there was no way she wasn’t happy to see leigh again. after all, she was one of her friends, and anita cherished all of them the same. “let me be clear, though. about, uh…” she then motioned over herself and the trash she was wearing, “i couldn’t find my clean laundry, so i just… picked my painting stuff, and well… – it looks what it looks like, but it surely serves its purpose just right.” now, she didn’t think she even needed to defend herself, but at this point, she may as well just keep on talking to wake her brain up as much as it was possible. at the mention of leigh coming out to her brother, she couldn’t help but break into a grin as she clasped her hands together, “dude, that’s awesome! if it’s not too much to ask – how did it go?” she figured she’d ask, politely, “i’m hella proud of you, not gonna lie.”

      “i have no doubts that that is what you hear, i just think you’re crazy in doing so,” leigh attempts to joke. it’s not often that she feels comfortable enough to tease someone in this manner but ever since she spoke to basilio she’s been freed from a weight that has been crushing her for years. she feels more relaxed around others now. well... mostly anyway. “you don’t have to explain to me,” she shrugs. “you could have shown up in your pyjamas and i would have still been thankful that you bothered to show,” the italian shadowhunter points out. it’s been a hard process to trust others enough with herself, but she feels like she’s getting there -- though, in some instances she doesn’t really have a choice in the matter, not when she has people like tessa and anita declaring their friendship before she can even consider denying it. “it uh -- mixed reviews, i think,” she tucks her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “i think i could’ve chosen my words better and a part of me believes that i’ve really hurt him, but i’m trying to be positive about it all.” there isn’t much positivity in the fact that she told her brother that she was glad their parents are dead, but deep down she never truly meant to say that. she’s... just not at the stage where she can think about the consequences of such a statement quite yet. “i didn’t do it for people to be proud of me. i did it so i could breathe again.”

[cxmbatant]

astcrs:

“before you ask – no, the glasses are not an accessory of my choice right now, and yes, i am so gosh-darn hungover to the point that i think i can hear the grass growing on that square over there,” and the award for the best greeting goes to… the shadowhunter clad in a pair of tatty sweatpants and an old, stained with acrylic paint t-shirt with no sleeves. anita thought it was only appropriate to wear something that mirrored the way she felt – like a complete, and utter trash. “— but, i am here now, that’s all that matters, right?” she figured she’d eventually add, scrunching her nose up for a moment as she tried to focus to look over at the fellow shadowhunter, “the thing is… i may have had forgotten what the frick were we supposed to do. if i’m underdressed, then well – i’m… kind of sorry?” // @cxmbatant

      “you can hear -- you know, i don’t even want to know,” leigh shakes her head. with everything going on lately, it’s surprising that leigh has been able to find the strength to stop drinking, though she attributes that more to the fact that if she lets go and loses control again she might just put herself in yet another situation like she did with anita a while back. “right, yeah. that’s what matters,” leigh then nods as she adjusts her leather jacket. she has so many questions about the other shadowhunter’s attire but she keeps them to herself. “it’s nothing official, i guess? i just uhm... needed a distraction today, and i didn’t really have anyone else to call so... yeah.” she rubs the back of her neck then tucks some hair behind her ear. “i came out to my brother. i don’t think there’s a dress code for that kind of thing?”

[cxmbatant]

so instead of sleeping last night i ended up making a shit ton of floriana/maggie sawyer gifs and i want an excuse to use them, so... STARTER CALL FOR LEIGH: like or reply to this if you have a character on a secondary blog for a closed starter :) 

[cxmbatant]

so... i haven’t slept yet... my internet cut out at like 3.30am and since then i've watched the ouat musical episode twice, rent and les miserables, another version of les miserables, two episodes of bones and now russell howard & mum plus made 218 floriana gifs i’m officially dead look how cute she is

[lrbcn]