Any guesses as to which L I am referring to? Love? Losses? Lesbians?
I'm talking about loneliness. I've taken a lot of L's since I've been here, but the biggest one of them all has got to be loneliness. It's not the kind where I want a boyfriend or a romantic relationship. Please, men ain't shit (post to come soon).
It's the yearning for the level of comfort that can only be given by and shared between close friends and family. The kind that can only be forged either over a long period of time or by incredible chemistry and vulnerability. You know what I'm talking about.
To a certain degree, I think everyone here is lonely. Or perhaps I just think that in an effort to make myself feel better. I tend to do that a lot. Allora. Everything just seems so forced. It's a bunch of people dumped into one program in Italy, where we know no one else. In a sense, we are all we got. Now whether or not this is terrifying or comforting is up for debate.
It also doesn't help that by the nature of our program and the type of people it attracts, everything is just super focused and intense. It seems like everything is stained with superficiality and formality. Everyone is obsessed with and consumed by classes (myself included). Most of the student clubs are just "informal" versions of concentrations and classes. Why these people want or feel the need for this is beyond me. We're paying thousands of dollars for these classes...what makes you think your underfunded club is going to be any better? But then again, people just want to feel important (and some classes here are actual trash). Who am I to hold that against them? My point is that it's like there's no room or time to talk about anything else or to develop real friendships.
With SAIS being a school flowing with Type-A control freaks, you can only imagine how competitive it is. The worst part is that it's low key, passively competitive. It's the elephant in the room that no one addresses. We're all nice and polite, but we're also fake AF, feigning worldliness and knowledgeability or having some semblance of a clue. It's like real life photoshop in real time. And, in the words of Kendrick Lamar, "I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THE PHOTOSHOP. SHOW ME SOMETHING NATURAL."
I don't care what you did or want to do or what your career goals are. Who are you? What makes you tick? What gives you purpose? Who are you aside from your accomplishments and trophies? If you had nothing, who would you be?
This level of bullshit is soul-smothering. Do you hear that? It's my soul dying. Rest in pieces.
Maybe I'm just being angsty and judgmental or a negative Nancy. But, I like to think that I'm entitled to my opinions. I'm bitching to avoid talking about how I'm lonely. It's one hell of a defense mechanism. I just have a lot of feelings. (This has got to be the most verbal diarrhea post yet).
I do have friends. And, I think they're all incredible people and I like and respect them a lot. But, I'm just not sure if these friendships are necessarily meaningful or if any real connections are transpiring. It could just be a matter of time...or not. And, I hate to write this because I don't want to offend any of my friends here. But, I can't be the only one feeling this way. Is it possible for someone to feel a connection in a friendship if the other doesn't?
I don't want eye candy or cheap acquaintanceships or networks. I want soul food. And, I'm fucking hungry.
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
romaincrisis
jacobvanloon
gummygunk
baratheonpilled
jbbartram-illu
janainaart
