[c4ncer0us]

Why do you start this blog?

Yes, I’m goingt for that old “ask yourself some stuff” -stuff. Whatever.

I’m starting this blog to tell somebody what happened to me. Basically that’s it. Maybe someone can identify.

Actually I think I’m just starting to “talk”. To tell somebody about all the stuff I can’t talk to anybody. I feel like i’m not able to articulate my feelings about all the happenings in my life to my friends. Even though they are really great friends and they tried really hard to support me and be there for me. But I’m just not able to open up.

Allright. Before I rush things. Let’s get started.

Exactly two years ago, I was getting ready to tell my father, that he’s going to be a graddad. I was really really nervous since it was not planned. It just happenend.

So this one day he called me. I was really busy at work, getting ready for an important meeting with the owners of the company I worked for. I picked up the phone and told him I was busy. He wanted to meet up.

My Father was always very self centered and did very really accept a change of plans. I told him I was busy. But he insisted fiercefully to meet right at the moment. I had no chance. Like always.

We met at an Italian restaurant right across the street, where I worked at. I could tell something unsettling was going on. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I felt that he was very unstrained.

We proceeded to make our orders. We both got pizza.

He then told me he had to get surgery. It’s probably nothing, but it could be really bad he said. He explained to me, he had troubles breathing, while going hiking or for a run. 

They saw a little shadow on the X-Ray. So basically they were going to cut him open and have a look. Retrospectively I think I knew already what was going to happen. I dont know. Maybe it’s just a feeling. Like a deja-vu. You think it happened already but maybe it’s just your brain misinterpreting signals so you think you knew already, when in reality you just realised.

“Okay” I said. “We’ll see. It’s probably just some little thingy.”

-I had to tell him now. Crazy. He didn’t even know I had a girlfriend. I didn’t know.

When I told him about the lifechanging happening, he shifted is chin down amd looked me dead in the eye. He didn’t need to say anything. His eyes were forcing his thought into my head. “Are you serious?!” - No sign of happiness. Exactly what I expected. It’s not that he didnn’t want to be happy. Our family just has a big history of unexpected pregnancies with life altering consequences. All on top of a big pile of bad decisions. I’m no exception to that scenario.

He thought about it for a minute. Than he smiled, lifted his head up and said: “Congratulations!”

He ordered a bottle of wine. Italian red. I was reliefed.

If only I had known. It was the last bottle of red wine we shared. I wouldn’t have rushed back to a meaningless meeting.

I would have sat there and just looked at you, dad.

I would have asked you about life. And what it’s like to be you.

What it’s like to carry all the weight of the world on your shoulders.

What it’s like to feel alone, even though surrounded by friends.

What it’s like to fight yourself.

What it’s like to love somebody more than anything.

What it’s like to already know that time’s up.

I miss you dad. So so much. I wish we could play some guitar together again. I wish we could drive through the countryside. Arguing about anything.

I wish I could look at all the old pictures with you again.

I would give everything just to hug you one more time and tell you how thankful I am for everything you have done for me. For all the things you missed out on, just to be there for me.

I love you, daddy. More than life itself.