mery chrysler

caelan . googler . 22 we all have a chapter we don't read out loud

[basketcasemp3]

[caelanmurphy]

do you have any dating advice for your brother since he's supposedly dating someone?

Do I look like I’m in any position to be giving dating advice? My longest relationship since my daughter’s mom has been three weeks. 

...Anyway, yeah, I heard about this girl. If she can keep up with him like he says she can, she’s a keeper. And from what he says, she does more than keep up. 

My advice, I guess, is in the words of the great Ru Paul, don’t fuck it up.

@ofckaiden @akhanisms

[panatmansam]

Remember, we bathe under the same sun, and sleep under the same moon. We are much closer than you think

Daniel Garfinkel (via panatmansam)

[caelanmurphy]

do you have your eye on anyone

I don’t know. Anyone want a date with a weirdo Google worker with a 6-year-old child and way too many polo shirts? Because that’s what I’m offering here.

[caelanmurphy]

who's your closest friend?

I’m going to exclude family because otherwise I’d say either Alice or Kaiden and you’d all whine and roll your eyes.

Probably Margo? Or Isla? Or... okay wow, I need friends, thank you for this wake up call.

@ofckaiden @ofcmargos @iislc

[caelanmurphy]

did you get to spend christmas with your kid?

I did! Sort of. My ex had her for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, but I got to have her that afternoon until Boxing Day. 

We went shopping at the Eaton Centre in Toronto which was such a mistake, it was insane, but I put her on my shoulders and we navigated the crowds. She loved it. Said it was like a zoo but for people. 

We went past the Apple Store and she told me all her friends have iPhones but she got a Google Pixel and now all her friends want them. Proudest moment of my life, even though I still think it’s ridiculous for a six year old to have a smartphone.

...I miss her so much.

[hawkinsfm-deactivated20190725]

rpmememaker‌:

Send “✆” for a MORNING text. Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT. Send “☎” for a RUSHED text. Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text. Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text. Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text. Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text. Send “#” for a RANDOM text. Send “@” for a SCARED text. Send “&” for a LOVING text. Send “%” for a CURIOUS text. Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text. Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text. Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text. 

[caelanmurphy]

[caelanmurphy]

brinlvys‌:

“ exactly, like being a baby and crying is in their nature.. i can’t let alexia cry, i just feel bad. baby cuddles are the absolute best.” she commented. “ awh, she sounds like a total sweetheart. do you get to see her often?”

“Alexia, that’s a beautiful name. Just make sure if you get an Amazon Echo you change it to answer to Echo instead of Alexa, because that could be a nightmare every time you talk to your kid,” he laughed. “Although, I do have to recommend the Google Home, if only because I worked on it,” he smirked.

“I uh... not as much as I’d like, no. Custody tends to go to mothers,” he said, smiling sadly.

[caelanmurphy]

ofchxnce‌:

time skip !

“and like, what i don’t get is.. why are strawberries…called strawberries. ya’ know? are you supposed to eat thenm with a straw? what came first straws or.. strawberries? straw is a weird word.” he giggles, leaning back in his seat. “strawww.” he says to himself before giggling like a fool. “aye, gimme another one this shits weak.” he says to cealan reaching for his third brownie but the table seemed.. alot further away than it actually was 

Caelan snorted, laughing for so long he almost forgot the joke. “It’s a weird word because of your weirdo accent, you weirdo,” he laughed. “Stroooooooohhhh,” he mimicked, “No, no, no, no, what’s fucking... weirder? Is PINEAPPLE. How does that even.... what?” he giggled, watching Chance almost smack his face on the table trying to get another brownie.

He gasped then, suddenly, and almost fell out of his chair reaching for a pen and paper. “So we’re training Deep Neural nets that map from raw input space to actions in an end-to-end manner using sparse reward signals... what we have to do is leverage unsupervised representation learning in order to transform the messy, high-dimensional input space we’re working with into a lower-dimensional ‘conceptual’ space that has certain desirable properties...” he rambled, jotting down words like linearity and disentanglement on the pad of paper.

[caelanmurphy]

ofcmargos‌:

she rolls her eyes, “oh shut up.” calean was her friend. one of her best friends, and margo didn’t have many. he reminds her of her dad… and elvie in a way. two of the most important men in her life. caelan just felt like home without even trying. she chuckles, “a djinn doesn’t count as a ghost, i don’t think.” she shrugs. “but i’ll bring that up in our next meeting for sure. we look for anything that isn’t ya’ know.. real.” she teases. margo laughs as he walks away and comes back. "there’s 24 hours in a day, i’m sure you could find time to squeeze in a tinder date.” she says playfully. “googler. that’s such a stupid name!” she chimes the same thing she’d always say when he said the term. she scoffs, “please, unlike you i’m doing.. other things that late at night.” she replies, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. “oh! i got another. i wish.. caelan would buy me lunch this afternoon.” 

“It’s like a spirit... or a demon? Scary, apparently. I used to be good friends with a Muslim girl and she wouldn’t watch Aladdin. Which, I don’t blame her, it’s kinda racist, but it’s hardly scary, except for the fucking sand tiger that rises from the desert like who dares disturb my slumber? Best songs of all the classic Disney movies I think, though. ...What were we talking about?” he smiled. Having a six-year-old meant he had strong opinions on Disney films.

“Oh yeah? And what would my tinder bio say. ‘Awkward teen dad turned prodigy turned Googler seeks to get laid because his Ghost Hunter best friend told him to’?” he laughed. “I don’t know. If the right person comes along, she’ll come along, right?”

He closed his eyes dramatically, holding onto the bottle. “OH! I suddenly feel compelled to buy you lunch. Like... magic,” he smirked.

[caelanmurphy]

aastrea‌:

“look at my face and ask me again. i’m ready. this better not be underwhelming.” 

He did as she asked, looking, very seriously, into her eyes. He kept a straight face as best he could as he solemnly said. “Empty beer cans.”

Breaking into a smile, he said “It’s pretty much treasure, we could turn these in and get like three whole dollars.”

[caelanmurphy]

iislc‌:

“right? i feel like they’re in the vip section of heaven… or hell. whichever,” she joked with a laugh. “plus we’d make it onto another wikipedia page, which is always fun. you know how some people want to be the person with the most pictures in the yearbook? i want the most wikipedia pages,” she told him, having just decided on that new goal right then and there. she playfully rolled her eyes, “i’m not that tiny,” she said, puffing out her chest and leaning up on her toes for good measure, “see?” she asked as if it had dramatically changed her appearance. she shrugged her shoulders, “assertive, bitch, two sides of the same coin,” she said. she was more than used to being called the latter term, it rarely affected her anymore. isla was relieved when the bag didn’t actually explode, but his expression caused her to look on with confusion, “what?” she asked, leaning over and seeing that it was in fact a bag of toys. she couldn’t help but laugh at how strange it was, “is this like in the santa clause where if you put on the suit you become him? but with the bag instead? you get the bag, you become santa? i just can’t imagine you with a long, white beard.”

“There’s a song I like that says ‘I wanna go to heaven for the weather, but hell for the company’,” he laughed. “Oh, you can absolutely do it, I believe in you. Wikipedia is like the yearbook of the world. We’ll make it so every word of your bio page links to another related page,” he smirked.

“Still tiny,” he whispered, with a smile. He scrunched his nose up at the term, still. If anybody ever called his daughter a bitch  - which they would, it was inevitable for women - he would break his no-violence-ever rule. “Nah, if you’re a bitch, it’s for no reason. If you’re mean for fun, then that’s not cool. I just think you’re... loyal. Protective. A bit stubborn, maybe,” he smirked.

“Oh shit, if I don’t become Santa now I’m going to be so disappointed,” he laughed. He pulled out a Barbie with pink hair. “Look it’s you, if you were a white girl. ...Not as cute.”

[obesitysherpa]

My kids have the same instructions

[caelanmurphy]

what do you miss the most about canada?

Hmm... it’s either ketchup chips, or my daughter. A toss-up.

[caelanmurphy]

can i have all the texts for margo thx

@ofcmargos

ღ for an affectionate text

I think maybe I like you so much because you remind me of my kid. She’s a sassy little brat too, and I love her to death. I miss her a bit less when I’m with you.

ϟ for a drunk text

caelan: MARGO HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SEX ON THE BEACH?

caelan: THE DRINK THE DRUNK THE DURINKNKDFKGJN

caelan: OH NO

☠ for a final text

no they will be friends for life get out of here

✫ for a text meant for someone else

caelan: No, Jade, our six-year-old daughter does not need a cell phone. What is wrong with you? Where are you sending her that she’d need a cell phone?

¢ for a late night text

caelan: Are pickles a vegetable? They are, right?

∞ for a half asleep text

caelan: i just had a really good dream and there were SO MANY bees in it. i’ll explain in the morning.

✯ for an early morning text

caelan: I have no recollection of this dream. How could a dream with bees be good? Did I save the bees?caelan: Also, good morning!

➳ for an apologetic text

caelan: I’m sorry I call you at inconvenient times. Sometimes I just really need to talk to you. I’ll start writing handwritten letters instead. 

♭ for an angry text

caelan: The judge agreed with her, that my job leaves me with no time for my kid. Like Jade’s 12 hour shifts at Olive Garden make her a better parent than me? I have to pull teeth just to get Alice for one weekend out of the year, I hate everything.caelan: I don’t hate everything, I just miss my kid.

[eternalmemes]

send a symbol for a text!!

ღ for an affectionate text ϟ for a drunk text ☠ for a final text ✫ for a text meant for someone else ¢ for a late night text ∞ for a half asleep text ✯ for an early morning text ➳ for an apologetic text ♭ for an angry text