"You don't have to be sorry, this doesn't matter anyway" he clears his throat before glancing at Tim a last time.
Heading off towards the hallway to put Eden to bed before giving into the itch he's had since he got home to go shower. The scrubbing doesn't make him feel any more clean per say, but it does make him feel in control.
The sting of too hot water on abraded skin does help him feel like he's made some progress.
Drying off his hair, he eyes his worn down RR shirt. Yesterdays disgust at himself boiling back to the surface. He wishes Tim hadn't found out.
He'd been so confident about it. Even the playing field so Tim would feel less on edge about Cain knowing who he is. It did backfire considerably of course. But it is a lot to put on someone you've known for a few days.
Just because Cain has spent hours both before and at W.E. studying Tim doesn't mean Tim knows Cains entire genesis and beyond.
He wouldn't want to know either. Cain was a mistake. Part of a endless cycle that clots with each generation. Just because Cain is deeply fucked up and has this very very strange set of feelings and beliefs, that quite frankly scare him. Does not mean Tim holds the same view.
You'd think he'd know by now that you can feel enough for two people but that doesn't mean the other reflects it.
It stings. Sure. Tim is a very important part of his life. The one thing he chose. One thing that's his. But he has to divide his version of Tim in his head with the actual person. Its very unfair to put all of that on Tim.
He's a friend. The first good one in a while. Cain is going to do his best to keep this. Please let him be happy here.
He knows he messed up by showing Tim the decay that follows him around. He shouldn't have shown him his costumes. No matter how much he ached to. They were important to him. He took great care, modifying them with each hand stich over time. Hours analyzing details of Red Robin and his suit.
Cain could be held at gun point and tell you the thread count on every portion of that suit.
He's been so proud to represent Red Robin.
He never thought the actual person would ever find out, of course. Obviously he's going to react like that Cain! What were you thinking??
Cain sits down on the chilled tile floor. working through deep breaths as he undoes his stiches. Grinding his teeth as painkillers can only numb so much. Especially when its not just a surface level cut.
It's had to to be aware of how deep the rip goes. He fights back rising bile at the reminder of it.
It didn't even matter after. He just wanted to come home. Now, he's shown Tim years of his work and it freaked him out. Okay. we can work with that.
We say sorry. That's a hood start. We keep them in their box and he doesn't have to see them. He must feel so violated. Fucking hell Cain. Why cant you just be normal and not show your friend that your time spent in a sex trafficking ring had his brand all over it as some fucked safety blanket.
You want to share all of your life with him. Yes ,very sweet. After years of shoving it to the back of your mind, It's exciting to be able to tell him. Tim makes us feel safe. He's nice and he's good. It's nice that we don't fall apart when trying to tell him about our stuff.
But he's not ready to take that on for you. It hurts. I know. But you aren't what you're trying to be. We understand. We feel it all. Just breath. You want to feel special. You want him to see all of this and keep you.
We know you're tired. No one has freely chosen you before. No matter how good you were.
You have to try to be good now.
Realistically, Cain knew Tim has his partners. He knew the dynamic of how much Tim mattered to Cain strongly outweighed the other. But he really likes Tim. He's so sweet and warm and he tries really hard. He can see how much he scares Tim. He worries and he tries to help. He's very kind. He's everything and more.
Not just with these silly romantic feelings, but he wants Tim to be his friend. It could be nice. He makes Cain happy. Please let him be happy.
He knows he has more to make up for. And he will, but he's so tired. Just let him lay down here, just for a little while? Just a week and he'll be back to work.
He pushes the hair from his eyes, keeping a steady hand as he cleans out the deep oozing gash. He works with what he can reach, even if the rip down his thigh makes him a little dizzy to touch.
He sits in his shame as he stiches it back up. Tim must be so revolted by him. He winches in sympathy as he tugs on his shirt. Heaving his body up with help from the sink.
And Tim doesn't even know the half of the potential problems here. Cain would really have to just end it if that were the case. He dismisses the thought quickly. Dressed and brushing out his hair he mulls over how to fix this. He has to fix it.
Tying his hair back, he returns to the same room he forced himself into. He really has no shame it seems. Pulling on his hoodie, eyeing his bare legs debating if his shorts should maybe be retired for the season. He decides to keep them a little longer.
Returning to the living area, His insides start to feel like lead. He hates when it feels like he's facing a stranger. Its Tim. Just apologize. He deserves that much.