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Are we overreacting?

This is the culmination of many a conversation between me and the husband after attending the same church for the past five years and serving consistently for the past four.

I remember feeling called to serve in 2022 around Easter? I had taken a long hiatus from serving after moving here and leaving my childhood home and church. Many events played into that, and attending this church has really helped heal a lot of those harmful perspectives and habits that I picked up from my previous church.

At the same time, I have had lots of time to reflect on my experience at my home church and the lovely things I learned while attending. I was explicitly taught how to do devotions (they don't call it devotions here), how to set up a Bible reading schedule and how to talk about the Bible and lead Bible studies. I was taught the importance of memorizing scripture and reflecting on how it applies to your own life. And lots of these habits have fed into my current practices today. I (try to) do devotions in the morning while eating breakfast, reading the Bible, journaling, and writing down my prayers (a habit I picked up shortly after moving). My husband has also picked up Bible reading in the morning and sometimes we read together in silence across the dining room table. We often discuss afterwards or after work.

While my childhood experience was more... academic? That's not the right word, but more... explicitly encouraging (and teaching) of Bible reading practices and Sunday sermon practices (this isn't a big deal, but I don't see anybody taking notes at my church right now, and that was something I was encouraged to do back home). And I don't mean to compare, as no church is perfect, and each church has different focuses and methods, but I think I miss the more in-depth, academic, meticulous study of the Bible.

We're thinking of shifting gears to do that for our community group, but I am also... feeling stuck. I don't know if I want to lead a community group, but that's also tied to our group members and attendance issues and whether or not they actually care about showing up. The husband has brought this up as well, and he would like to lead community group again next year, but I know that it would add more to his already very full plate. I worry that it will be too much for him.

Anyways, this conversation has led us into discussions about whether the church focuses on the Bible enough on Sundays, if community groups (as a concept at our church) are established with Biblical intentions and if that EVEN MATTERS??? The husband brought up good points, that community group is a spiritual, God-led group of people "walking through life together" (as the saying goes), and that it HAS to be more than just a social group. At the same time, there is a social aspect to it, so there needs to be a mix, but what is the right mix? What's the right thing to do?

And then this feeds into other parts of ministry and church operations that we really don't know how to feel about. Like, how soon should someone be allowed to serve in church after they've started attending? Can non-Christians serve in church? Should non-Christians be encouraged to serve? Should membership be more strongly encouraged than it currently is (husband and I are not members and I like it that way, but that doesn't make it right)? Should kids church has a focus of being fun? What are the behavioural expectations around kids church? What are the expectations of those who serve in the church and how highly are they held to that standard? Should a person's faith be taken into consideration when they volunteer to serve? We have so many questions! And it preoccupies my mind when I'm there. Is this right? Is this wrong? Does it matter?

All things considered, this church has been really good to me, to us, and I really appreciate all that it has done and that I've been able to contribute to. But at the same time, what are we to do, as people who attend and are finding that we have these questions? Do we do nothing? Do we do something? Do we leave? There's just a lot of question marks and not a lot of clear answers.

missing appendage

My camera broke recently. Nothing major, and the photos on the SD card were not impacted, but I did have to send the camera away to get repaired. I've been taking pictures pretty consistently for work (and then for church) for the past three or four years and I've been carrying a camera with me most days for the past year and a half. My husband got me a camera as a gift and that's the one I've been using and the one that broke.

At first, I was shocked because I thought cameras were honestly pretty sturdy. But it wasn't broken beyond repair so I wasn't highly concerned. But then I was shocked at how not-shocked I was, because surely the person I was five years ago would have been very upset and off-kilter. I even discovered this at work and I didn't freak out.

But what has shocked me even more is that I find myself reaching for something that isn't there. I see a moment I want to capture but I don't have my camera (at least for another two weeks or so). It's strange how a hobby I picked up less than five years ago has almost become a habit. In some ways, it does feel like I'm missing another set of eyes or another brain to store memories.

To My Bed

To my bed,

Thank you for being my consistent companion these past five, almost six, years. Your presence was a constant from place to place as I grew to call this place my home. There were days I looked forward to my nightly rest, many days, and there were some where I loathed your function. Thank you for cradling me on the nights I couldn't sleep and for reminding me that I am safe even if my mind feels that it's not. Thank you for accepting my tears when I couldn't be bothered to reach for a tissue and giving me comfort no matter the day or time.

As we say farewell, I am reminded of your constant presence and all the change you have withstood. I hope that the new bed will be as good to me as you were.

I've never been more grateful for the distance between me and my parents than when we talk about my reproductive plans and opinions on child-rearing.

While well-meaning, the amount of opinions they have on my brother's child is overbearing. I can imagine the same happening to me if/when that happens. They want the best for their grandchild, but also think that what they know is best. In some ways, it is true. The wisdom they have gathered over the years is important and helpful, but their disregard for my brother's choices leaves me hesitant to welcome them into that stage of my life.

I can imagine how much I'll have to sit and listen to them tell me how I didn't buy the right diapers or that my swaddle is incorrect, or that I'm teaching them the wrong thing. I can imagine me telling my parents where we've decided to move or my birth plan and if there is any point where they disagree I will be sure to hear it.

How utterly exhausting.

I've gotten into photography over the last couple years as I manage the school's yearbook. I spent the last year using a camera from my work to practice and the photo quality of the yearbook has definitely improved because of it.

In response to this interest, my fiance purchased a camera for me so that I would have my own. I've been learning how to use this camera for the past month and it's been going pretty well. I quite like this picture of a duck through the branches.

With the Big Event occurring in less than 200 days, things are starting to feel more real. I don't know what it is about being under 200 days that makes it feel like things are happening. But we have our wedding bands (kind of - his is paid for but not picked up), the officiant has been updated and we are starting pre-marital counseling later this year, we're starting to solidify our ceremony details, and it's hitting me that we just passed our last summer as single people.

It's a bit of a surreal experience, but one that I am reflecting on as it is happening (if that's possible). This Christmas will be the last one I go through as a single person, this fall was the last back-to-school as a single person, and soon enough there will be no more "as a single person". It's very cool, and I am recording these thoughts to commemorate them.

I'm excited, and now the time does not feel so long anymore. 200 days felt like forever, and now it feels like it'll be here in no time. I'm very much looking forward to it, and with the revised schedule I am feeling like it will be easier.

There is just so much.

To say that is an understatement. There is truly just so much going on in my life at this time that there are some days where my life does not feel like my own. I wouldn't say it's necessarily a bad thing, but it does get overwhelming at times.

Working full time has been such a blessing these past few years, and I'm glad that I have never been without work. And my job has been great despite any challenges. I've learned a lot about what I want to do in my work and where my strengths come in handy. I've gradually built relationships with some staff members and I have grown more comfortable being myself at work. The security I feel knowing my job will be there year after year has given me a lot of peace and it came at just the right time. After almost four years of work, I forget that I started in a very different place and being here is something I'm very grateful for. At the same time, work is tiring. It's relentless, Monday to Friday (although it's a blessing I don't work on weekends), and as an introvert I give a lot of energy to serve my colleagues and my students. And with so many other things going on outside of work, I find myself distracted, thinking about everything else on my plate. During those times, I am not giving my best effort.

It's why, even though I am quite occupied, I try not to work on my masters course while I am at work. Splitting my attention during the work day has not been very effective and I would prefer to do one thing at a time. That means, when I get home, I do have to take time each evening to do course work. That might be reading, writing a response, filming a video (for my current class), responding to others, researching for projects, etc. I try to be diligent and stay ahead of the schedule so that I have buffer days for when I can't make time or I get sick (which did happen earlier this year), so there are days where I can have two or three hours of work. Fortunately, my fiance also has work to do in the evenings so we tend to spend many days a week just working in the same space, but we still try to make time to talk and engage in hobbies together. I am grateful that I get to study while working, as my courses are related to my work, but balancing the two takes some care that I get tired of doing. God has been very gracious in giving me time when I need it, so I haven't handed in anything late or missed assignments, but the mental exhaustion of it is hard.

On top of those things, I am also engaged and planning a wedding. My fiance and I discussed for a while before getting engaged, so it's not like it was a surprise, but I guess I forgot how much work planning a wedding can be. We take an hour or so each week to do wedding-related things, sometimes more if we can, but it's slow work that sometimes sparks disagreement. My fiance and I mostly debate about how to do things (I want it efficient, he wants it (as close to) perfect), and the frustration comes from that. Not that our disagreements have been terrible, but we do get into debates and need to reset because we're losing sight of the original question. I wish things could be done faster sometimes, but both of us do have a lot going on and I'm trying to be patient and gracious in these moments.

And as if that weren't enough, my fiance is now applying to jobs and wondering if we should relocate for a few years. We've been talking about this for at least a month or so when he first started doing interviews, and I said that I would be fine if it was short term (under 5 years), abroad was fine if it was only one or two years, but we would have to discuss seriously if it was really an option. And lo and behold, he might get an offer from a job in another city in Canada. It's been stressful for him going through all these job interviews, but his efforts have proved fruitful as he not only has that job offer potentially on the way, but potentially two others as well. With all these potential options on our table, we've been talking for days trying to figure out what to do. Do we stay where we've been for five years and just keep living as we have been, even though the job here is not as interesting or helpful for his career? Or do we take a risk and move to another city where we don't know anyone, don't have our community, but would be aligned with his research interests and would be a great first step for his career? Albeit, my fiance has said the move would only be temporary, and we would only stay in that city as long as we liked it/were called to stay. If even after a year it's not working, we would leave. Those thoughts might be idealistic, but I would want it to be short term because of the community we have here already. Through much discussion and some tears, as we spoke to my parents about these options and they gave their perspective and advice, we are still undecided, partially because we are waiting for official offers from these companies.

With all of this going on, it truly is so much. I don't know if it's all supposed to happen at once, but this is what is happening in my life. I never planned to be this busy and this packed, but here I am. I always said I wasn't going to plan a wedding while I was still in school, but now I'm planning a wedding while working and doing school. Life is so crazy sometimes and there's just so much to think about. I've been praying about it in my daily devotions and journaling, and my fiance has also been praying on his own, and we've also been praying together to see where God will lead us. Are we called to stay? To leave? Is it time for me to take a pause in my work to focus on my studies and support my fiance in his first career job?

All of this might be answered in the next couple weeks as the offers come in, so we are continuing to pray and ask some of the older figures in our lives on what to do. I pray that God would lead us to make the decision that would best glorify Him and aligns with His plan for us.

An opportunity

A few weeks ago, one of my community group leaders approached me and asked if I would be interested in taking her place. She has been in discussions with our campus pastor and some other leaders and she said she felt like she was being called to lead another group that was more focused on women, not young adults. She is a bit older, but our group loves having her as a leader because of her gentle demeanor and vulnerability. I wasn't shocked that she was looking to lead a different group since our leaders had been rather quiet over the summer, but I was a little shocked that she approached me.

I used to lead back home, and I led for many years throughout middle school, high school, and university. In those years, I had a variety of experiences as a leader and I don't think I was able to conclude my time there very well. I left my leadership position with relief after the tough last two years due to various politics and drama that had occurred. I didn't have very much faith in church leadership and I didn't trust my peers to fulfill their responsibilities. I think even in my last year as a leader I wondered if I should have led at all, if I was meant to be in that position to begin with, and that it was a good thing that I was leaving.

I guess I still have those questions to this day. Was I supposed to lead at that time? Did God have a different plan for me that I missed? I want to say that God was calling me to be faithful at that time, to serve my peers even though I felt like I wasn't doing a good job or I felt like I couldn't work with the other leaders. Our pastor at the time didn't really have any other leaders lined up and I didn't want to quit halfway or give up without the next steps planned out. So, to say that I had a good opinion of leading at the end of my time there would be a lie.

In the past four years, I've moved churches, gone back to in-person services, found a church community I wanted to invest in, started serving again and attending community group in 2022, and now I'm here. My time at this church has helped me to heal and understand my experience back home and to have trust in fellowship again.

(I will say that my faith and trust in church leadership has not been fully restored. I found that I have developed a habit of avoiding pastors if I can and when I do talk to them that I still feel guarded. That's something I have noticed and I'm trying not to let it prevent me from meeting the pastors at my church, but it's a work in progress.)

I have grown to love my community group and I have taken on tasks here and there. I've hosted a couple times, brought snacks and drinks, led discussion, and planned a couple events. Both of my leaders are quite busy with work and life, so I try to help out when I can. I was actually quite happy with how things are since I didn't have to officially take on a leadership role but I could still help out when I could.

The idea of leading a community group did come up with me and my SO a few months ago, but we didn't pursue it deeply at the time. So perhaps this offer was in response to that? I wasn't sure what to say when she asked me if I was interested, so I took a couple weeks to think about it. In those weeks, our pastor asked to talk to me and asked my SO to join us and asked if the two of us would take on a leadership role in our community group to gradually replace both of our leaders.

We took time to think about it and pray about it and over dinner we discussed our thoughts. Neither of us had any concerns about leading together, which was a good sign. Both of us are pretty busy, but it seems feasible and it is something we thought about doing before. As we transition into those roles, I am a little nervous about how my previous experience will manifest itself in my thoughts and my actions. Will I really be able to lead again? I will likely share these thoughts with my SO as time goes on so that we can support each other and pray together.

While I am nervous, I am also kind of excited to see how God will transform me again. He already did so much to change my perspective on church and community groups, I wonder how He will address my history in leadership.

Admittedly I have marriage on the brain.

It's something we have talked about before and something we have talked about more seriously since our one year anniversary has passed. I think I couldn't help but smile when he came to the conclusion that if work/graduation were arbitrary markers that he put for himself, that if both of us were good to get married, in the Lord's timing, that there wasn't really a reason to not get married. Not that we are getting married right this minute, but it has at least reached the edge of the table for us.

Since then, we have spoken more frequently about wedding ideas. I am still cautious about this discussion since we are not even engaged and I would like the more detailed discussions to be saved for engagement. But we have brought up ideas and hypothetical things that would interest us.

He still needs to talk with his dad and his sister about things, although when he brought it up to his mom she was totally fine with it. I anticipate that my parents will also be fine with us getting married since they have said as much over the past few months. He would like to talk with them (sans me) about it since that's proper (and I think he prefers it that way) and then go from there. I don't really want to push him on it since it has to be his own motivation to have those discussions.

I have been praying about it more to discern if there is a right time for all these things to happen, so we shall see?

26 in Moments

August 2022: gathering friends annually, a surprise reunification, a new relationship, a surprise birthday party with new friends

September 2022: a chance for building upon last year's establishments, challenging myself to new social things, first date, comforting an old friend

October 2022: presenting at a conference, re-telling the start of my new relationship to friends, an invitation to family Thanksgiving dinner, karaoke

November 2022: skating with friends, sewing a new dress, convocation

December 2022: connecting with university friends, romantic walk through the lights, sewing another dress, cancelled events, another Christmas away from home spent with new people, a warm welcome by friends, tearful farewell

January 2023: welcome return, attending an orchestra, belated Christmas gifts

February 2023: engagement party attendee, new work projects and collaborations, first Valentine's together, another group gathering

March 2023: first day trip together, first serious discussion, omurice research begins, reconnecting with university friends

April 2023: meeting a significant person in an old friend's life, cherry blossom pictures with friends and SO, Easter service and brunch with friends, growth mindset research

May 2023: revisiting a beach, piano concert attendee, friend's birthday party, deep discussions with mom, custom suit fitting

June 2023: musical performance attendee, making plushies for kids, early birthday celebration, taking up film photography, annual brunch date, new car, farewell to beloved colleagues

July 2023: catching up with church friends, house party attendee, reuniting with friends from home, preparing anniversary gift, attending a friend's wedding, reuniting with SO after three weeks, another day trip

Insomnia

-approximately 3 am- Me: So what about an egg clock? Him: Hm? Me: Imagine a clock and then instead of numbers, it's like different kinds of eggs. For example, half of a boiled egg at 6 and then a whole egg at the 12. Him: What about the 3? Me: Mm... an omelette? Him: What about the 9? Me: Scrambled? Because everyone feels scrambled by 9. Him: Or what about a Gudetama clock? Me: Like Gudetama at the center? Him: Yeah, and he just spins around. Me: And he doesn't even tell the time properly. Just spinning. Him: -chuckles- So if someone asks what time it is? Me: I dunno. Gudetama doesn't care about time, why should we?

#thanks for staying up late to talk through my insomnia #I slept for three hours after that #thanks for entertaining my ideas #we were admittedly quite lucid for 3 am

I was talking with my SO about the wedding afterwards and how I was able to slip into old group habits from before. Not to say that things were exactly the same, but personalities don’t easily change and, by extension, group dynamics don’t change much either.

But I was reflecting on the conversations I had at the wedding and the things people said and while some things felt very familiar, I was also reminded that these people don’t know me like they used to. I’ve been away and many of these people I haven’t spoken to for at least two or more years. So while they may perceive me to be quite the same as I used to be, internally I felt quite different from the person I was four years ago. And I was telling my SO that these people don’t know the experiences I’ve had or the challenges I’ve gone through, and because of that they don’t know that I am any different.

It’s not to blame them for the way they spoke to me or treated me, which was respectful and kind regardless, but it just made me think how these people have a four-year gap in their knowledge of me that, to me, has been quite an influential four years. In a way, seeing myself from these people’s perspective made me wonder how I have changed and which changes can be perceived from the outside.

Canon in D

I recently attended a friend’s wedding and it was fine. Nothing bad happened, nothing extraordinary happened.

When I first got the invitation, I was worried about seeing people that I hadn’t spoken to in a long time. I had moved away in 2019 and didn’t really work to keep in touch with many people except for the bride. I really wanted to go despite the people I might see there because I wanted to support my friend and be there for a significant day in her life, so I had a year and a half to mentally prepare myself. I knew I would be going by myself since I didn’t get the chance to bring a plus one (and I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time of the invitation), so I anticipated having to chat with people I didn’t normally chat with.

In the last few weeks before the wedding, I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I would be. I had heard from the bride who she invited, so I had an idea of who would be attending, Miu (and his family) included. I couldn’t bring my SO, but I think this was something I should do by myself anyways. I knew that the ceremony would be fine; it’s mostly just sitting and listening. It would be the cocktail hour and the reception that would prove to be the more difficult social challenge.

The ceremony was fine, as I thought. I sat with some old friends from church and it was almost surreal how easily I slipped back into the group dynamic. Albeit, things are a little different and it was a little awkward, but I didn’t feel like I wasn’t welcome by them. It also reminded me of how I felt (and still feel) different from them, but now, maybe those differences don’t have to drive us apart.

I skipped the cocktail hour, which was planned between me and my aunt. It gave me time to go back to the hotel, rest, and call my SO before going back for the reception. I was sitting with the same friends from the ceremony, so that was pretty easy. I also got to talk with some other people from church and high school that I haven’t seen in probably four years (and more for the people from high school). Talking with them made me think about how the four years since I’ve moved is actually quite a long time and a lot happened in that time.

At the end of the night Miu and I talked briefly. It was after everything ended and people were dancing, so the time was more open for people to mill about and chat. Aside from the occasional messages in 2021 and 2022, we haven’t spoken or seen each other since 2019. It was awkward, but that’s to be expected. We spoke about things that we would have talked about with anyone, work, school, church, but they were things that I wouldn’t have known about him anyways since we haven’t talked at all. I shared about my plans for September and some of the new things about church. I was a little surprised that he remembered some details from our previous conversations. There were some pauses here and there, and I feel like he wanted to ask more, but maybe that’s just my perception. I felt like it went well, all things considered. It wasn’t overly dramatic or difficult, just an awkward conversation between people who used to know each other. Our conversation was cut short by someone else, but maybe that’s okay. There was no closure of “well it was nice catching up with you” or “best of luck in the future,” and I guess that is what I will be living with for the foreseeable future.

My final evaluation at the end of the night was that it was fine. I was there to support my friend and congratulate her and I was happy to do that.

From day 1

My mother brought out the scrapbook she made for the year 2003 to show some friends and I took a look through it afterwards for nostalgic purposes. There were some things that made me think about what about me has changed and what hasn’t changed.

Growing up, I took piano lessons for all of two years before switching to guitar. 2003 was probably my second year of piano lessons and I did my first recital that year. My mother wrote in the scrapbook that when I found out I would half to perform in front of other people that I “hit the floor and started crying” (i.e. I fell to the ground in my piano studio and bawled). In retrospect, very embarrassing (albeit age appropriate), but my feelings about performing now are not too far off. I won’t cry or fall to the ground if I have to do something in front of a crowd, but I definitely struggle with performance anxiety in certain areas. As an educator, I have to speak in front of children all the time. I’m nervous when I’m trying something new, but I’m not afraid to stand in front of a group of children and lead them in an activity. On the other hand, I’m still quite nervous to speak at staff meetings. It’s gotten better over the years, but I’m still not comfortable speaking in front of a group of adults. Similarly, I read scripture for my church once and throughout the entire experience every cell in my body was uncomfortable. I still went up and read and it was fine, but that was not something I would feel excited to do. I never read scripture on stage after that.

I commented on this to my mom, that my performance anxiety seemed to be there from a young age, and she agreed. But then I pointed out that in that same year I took dance classes where we had performances and I was fine. In fact, according to my mother, I was a leader in “talking and dancing” in that class (i.e. I was talkative and I knew all the moves). So, not only did I not seem nervous, I even took charge. My mom quickly responded with “well of course, safety in numbers”. I can see the merit in that, as the dance recital was done as a group performance (and I did end up pursuing dance for many years after that), but I wonder if that’s the only thing. I would add that it’s also a group of people doing the same thing, as I still get performance anxiety doing worship since I’m the only one playing guitar.

It was kind of eye-opening to me to see this because I always thought the performance anxiety started in high school after I failed a number of tests in science and I struggled in jazz band when in reality I’ve always struggled in some way around performances. It’s almost comforting to know that it’s... not my fault that I get nervous around performances.

I will say what has also been consistent is that I perform despite my anxiety. I did perform in my piano recital after many weeks of preparation (credit to my mother and my brother) and it went well. I performed in jazz band for an entire year despite crying about practice once a week (and even did a recital as a project in front of my classmates). I read scripture in front of a crowd despite my personal anxiety. I continue to speak at staff meetings despite my slight tremors and the heat that rises to my cheeks.

What has changed is that now that I know this about myself, I can approach it with a little more lightheartedness and I am better at saying no to things that I absolutely do not want to do (like reading scripture out loud). I know I get nervous when people observe me doing something I don’t have a lot of experience in or if it’s something that requires a lot of my concentration (e.g. parallel parking), so now I’m able to ask people to leave if I’m feeling that way.

(On a sidenote, the number of peace signs and goofy faces I made in this scrapbook is excessive. That has also not changed in present day.)

From this observation, I think that this disposition to anxiety is a personality trait, not something with sudden onset in high school (although it may have gotten worse in high school). This also shows me that my attitude of perseverance was heavily fostered by my mother who encouraged me and supported me in preparing and carrying out my goals despite my anxiety. I don’t know if my perseverance is so much a personality trait but more of a result of the nurturing of my mother.

In the two weeks that I’ve been back I’ve heard many people say that I look different (and not because of the haircut) and that I’m more mature. I’m noticing it happen a lot more this year in comparison to last year. I will say that most of these comments come from older people who now only see me on an annual basis, if that has any influence on how or why they say that.

Maybe it’s because I am physically continuing to grow, so there are small changes to my face each year (although this has mostly stabilized in the past two or three years).

Although, I would like to attribute it to growing confidence in my identity and my abilities. The past three years have been a transformation of my relationship with God and how I see myself. While I do fulfill many roles in this world, those all fall under my identity as a Christian. My work is a place to share God’s love and serve them and offer them grace and compassion. My friendships are a place to love others platonically and to encourage each other in our walks with God and in life. My family is a place to learn about unconditional love and to offer that back. My romantic relationship is a place to learn about love more deeply and personally and to cherish the opportunity to care for someone the way God cares about me. As I understand these things more deeply and clearly, I feel more confident in what I do and what I believe.

So while I may look a little different, I would like to believe that it’s the inner experience that has changed how I am perceived this year.

Are you nervous?

Admittedly I’m a little nervous.

My friend is getting married next week and there will be people there I haven’t seen in a long time (aside from the people at the bridal shower from before). I’m sure it will be okay, just like how it was okay last week, but the unknown still makes me a little nervous.

It’ll be four years (pretty much) since I last saw my ex (not the one from the dream) and at least two years since we last contacted each other. I want to say that things are fine, we’re civil. I believe he’s seeing someone new, so he’s at least (I assume) happy and moved on.

Will we speak when we see each other next week? Most likely. His sister was still friendly with me when we saw each other last week (that was a sigh of relief) so maybe things are okay.

I remember when another friend got married in... 2017 or 2018 and we were still together at that time and he ran into his ex (the girl before me). I think they actually caught up and talked and maybe even met up a separate time to talk about how they’ve been. At that point, I think I was actually quite glad that Miu had the chance to do that because it kind of showed that everyone had moved on and could still be friends (or acquaintances at least). I don’t think they really contacted each other again after that, but it was nice to see that they’re cool with each other.

Will that be what we do? I don’t know. I don’t think I will invite him to hang out. While we are civil and I wish him the best, I don’t think we’ll be the type to get together and chat like old friends.

There is something special in talking to someone who knows you so well and for so long, but Miu has been practically absent from my life since the end of 2019. That was a choice I made and I don’t blame him for the current state of our relationship (not that being acquaintances is a bad thing), but in reality I don’t know if he knows me anymore.

So yeah, I’m a little nervous. I really want to try and have fun at the wedding. My SO just went to a wedding and he danced (that surprised me) and had a lot of fun. I want to have fun too. And when him and I go to a wedding later this year, I want us to have fun celebrating there. I don’t want my anxiety to get in the way of that.

I had a dream

I had a dream last night about my ex, whom I haven’t seen in three years, in which I haven’t dreamt about him in quite a few years. It wasn’t disturbing or scary and I’m used to having strange (and often vivid) dreams on the regular, even moreso when I am in the latter half of my menstrual cycle.

In this dream, I was working my old job and I ran into my ex (and this actually happened when I was working my old job). I had those familiar feelings that I actually experienced when this happened in reality, shock, discomfort, anxiety. Although, I think in my dream I also had the thought of “of course he’s here. It was bound to happen again eventually” as if this was tied into reality.

My first response was to walk away and head to the parking lot where (I assume) my car was parked. He did follow me out (and that is different from what actually happened) and I did not go to my car for some reason. I ended up half-running to this park where I laid on the ground (presumably from running exhaustion) and my ex followed me all the way there and also laid on the ground. The funny part is that he did not lay next to me, but a little ways away so that his head was closer to my knees (i.e. it was like we were staggered). I was laying in a way where my arms splayed out and he tried to grab my hand. (For what reason, I cannot tell you, but that is what happened.) The sheer ridiculousness of the moment actually made me laugh (or maybe more accurately I guffawed) and I pulled my hand out of his right away and got up and started walking and he still followed me.

All this walking brought me to the church I used to attend back home and I walked down the hallway to this room near the sanctuary where I somehow knew my parents and my SO would be. In this version of my church, there is a bay window of sorts that allows me to see into the room and I first make eye contact with my mom, who looks at me, sees who is following behind me, and promptly gives me a questioning look. I shrug because I’m not sure why he’s there. My SO looks up after this and sees me and then sees my ex behind me, but in this dream (and in reality) he doesn’t know what my ex looks like so he’s moreso confused as to why there is a stranger standing behind me.

I open the door to the room and walk in and go straight to my SO and I think I manage to shut the door behind me.

I don’t remember the things that happened before or after the dream, but there was a bit more that I’m missing. I find it interesting for a few reasons. First, It’s been a long time since I dreamt about my ex. When this used to happen (albeit it was much closer to the breakup), it would disturb my mental state. It stopped after a while and since then I haven’t really dreamt about him. Now, I’m not disturbed. I thought it was interesting, but it’s not going to haunt me tonight. I think that’s pretty cool. Secondly, I find it kind of funny how much of my dream is grounded in reality. I reacted pretty similarly to how I would if this actually happened, although I might have been a bit more assertive in not having him follow me around. And finally, I shared this dream with my SO and his reaction was extremely chill. He remarked on how realistic it was and that he was glad that at least he was there.

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