depression.

my journey through depression, medication, therapy, and life.

[california1123]

depression and bad thoughts

I wonder how sick I am sometimes. Surely 'normal' people would say that I am sick and messed up if they were ever able to hear my thoughts. My thoughts even scare me. Why do I always wish the worst on myself? What is wrong with me? I feel so guilty because when I hear that someone is sick with cancer, I feel jealous. Yes, jealous. My desire to die is omnipresent. Always within me. Where did it come from? Where is it's origin? Why am I so messed up and fucked up? Was I always like this or was this the result of some even in my life that seems to be stronger than me? Who has the answers to all of my questions? Who? But the topic remains unanswered. Why is it that I am so drawn to death? Why do I want to be dead? I have so many things in life to be thankful for and I am truly grateful for them, so why can not I appreciate them and really feel them? Why does my desire to be dead overcome the few moments of joy and inspiration that brighten this life of mine? And it's not just that I want to be dead, I wish to be sick, such as with cancer. How fucked up am I? To ever wish that on myself? I guess maybe cancer will give me an excuse to die because I would never be able to commit suicide. It's a good thing no one knows me here on tumblr. I am sure anyone who knows me in real life would not believe that I am the author of these words. After all, how could a pretty blonde straight A student and a university ever feel the desire to be anything but happy? I guess they will never know. But sometimes I get tired of being the only one who knows. Sometimes I wish that someone would share my secret with me. But I could never expose myself to my family or friends. I could not bare the thought of hurting them like this. So here I am. Dealing with this basically on my own. Tumblr is not even much help. I don't have any followers. But really, it's not even about that. For me, it's just about expressing myself and letting my thoughts out into the world. I can not know who will read them, if anyone, but like I said, that's not the point. The point is hope and self expression. And the dearest wish to me is that I am cured of myself and this self destruction. 

[california1123]

End of year update.

New Years is coming up. This, besides summer, is my favorite part of the year. I love New Years. It always brings hope. A hope at starting over new. Starting fresh. New Years eve is my favorite day of the year. New Years day is my second favorite, because you feel clean as a person, stainless. Every new years day is like the beginning of a new life. A life that is clean and spotless (even though is stays clean only for that day or maybe just that morning). But at least for that short while, you feel good enough about yourself as a person. It is the only chance you get all year to be OK with yourself.

The reason I am stressing my explanation of new years is because I am NOT ok with me as a person the other 364 days of the year. This started three years ago now, and I have been struggling every day to get back to the person I was before.

Something else happened that made me think of new years. I don't even know where to start or if this should be a whole different post all together. Anyways, some time last winter after new years I did something really terrible that left deep scars on my left upper arm. I cut myself really deep and what remains are seven deep, long scars. The reason new years plays into this is because the pictures that I took last new years are the last pictures of me without long sleeves. They are my pre-scar pictures. That was the last time I was able to wear something short sleeve or sleeveless.

This whole year has been a constant struggle for me to hide my arm from everyone. Not easy to do, especially during the summer. How many excuses are there for not wanting to go swimming? My "period" lasted all summer long and prevented me from ever getting in the pool. It's not easy explaining how cold I am in 90 degree weather and that I feel more comfortable in a long sleeve versus a tank top on a blazing hot summer day.

This year, 2013, has been strange for me. I am a stranger to myself. I knew for several years that I was not fully functioning, that I was depressed. But I honestly do not even know how the cutting incident happened. I know that I was stressed from school, depressed, hopeless, and drunk. I think everything that has been going on for the past two years, everything that I refused to deal with and just hoped would go away on its own, all my unresolved issues, it all just piled up inside of me and then there was no more room for it left. It spilled. I spilled. A little bit of it seeped out.

After I cut myself so severely, I finally confessed to someone I was feeling sad most of the time and lacked any desire to do anything. It happened at an ob/gyn clinic. I asked my doctor if there was some test to check and see if my hormone levels were ok because I was feeling so horrible all the time. She asked me to describe how I was feeling and said it sounded like I was depressed. She put me on the phone with a counselor. He talked to me to make sure I was not suicidal. At the office I scheduled an appointment to see a therapist, and that is how my story this year begin. If someone told me that I would one day be going to a psychologist and taking medication and had to hide my arm from everyone, I would think that person was insane and did not know what they are talking about. I would say that person does not know me. In reality, I did not know me, and I still don't. 

My free therapy sessions ran out and I didn't have the funds to continue with paid therapy. I am taking wellbutrin and buspirone twice a day now. I am still not the person I want to be. I still feel broken and messed up and hate myself most days. This year has been surreal for me. I even wonder if I am slowly loosing my mind. I really do. But that is why I love new years. Because on December 31, 2013, I will be able to leave all of this behind in the past year, to turn away from it and walk into a brand new day, a brand new year, and a brand new life. I know that it is just another day on the calendar and has no magical power to mystically transform my life into a great one. But for me, it does feel like that and I am very excited. I hate the person I was this past year and I want to leave her behind. I want to have enough courage in the new year to finally start working really hard on changing who I am. I know it won't be easy, but I pray for the courage and strengths and drive to get me to a better me. I hope you all find yourself strong enough to fight yourself and win. Happy New Years and I wish you all the best! 

[california1123]

off course.

When I started therapy and medication, I was committed to keeping up with writing about my experiences with therapy, the pills, and depression. But as most projects and parts of my life, the blog was left unfinished. Well in this case, unattended to. Yes, that is how I am. There are times when I get really inspired and excited about something, maybe a new hobby or a positive change that I want to make in my life, and I really do get so caught up in the moment, that I forget every time how that burns me. Not the uncompleted projects, or broken promises to myself, or failed attempts to improve myself, no, all that I am used to. What burns me is the hope that I feel and the belief that I am finally getting better, finally having enough energy and desire to actually LIVE. I get so excited, and I become so inspired.. and then, drop. Darkness. I am back in that low state. No energy. No drive. No motivation. No desire to live. I hate it. I hate that it controls me. Yes, I feel like depression controls me, because I don't believe I am strong enough to win this battle. The battle of me against depression. And depression is just ONE WORD.... to someone who has never experienced it! To me it means the battle for my life, right now and in the future. It means getting up in the morning and forcefully finding enough energy and strength to get up and make it through another day. It means being completely happy for a moment, because you feel like you are getting better, and every time you fall for it, just to see the same result. That same drop, back into the symptoms and the consequences of them. Back into depression. So the reason I am explaining this about myself is because I haven't posted anything in about five months. Not really a big deal, because I only have one follower. And thank you for being my first (and right now, only), follower here. And the reason I haven't made any posts is because I fell down again, the depression sucked me back in. I didn't have the energy and especially not the will or drive or the desire to do anything. Not my homework. Not writing a blog. Not going to a party. And that doesn't even cover it. I guess in order for my blog to make sense, the reader will need at least a little background on me. When I think about trying to explain anything about myself, I instantly become overwhelmed. Where do I even begin? I'd like to think of this post as a little step towards spilling out the explanation, to myself as well as the audience. And yes, as history has proven to me so many times, I will probably not keep up with the blog, go through my bad habits all over again. But right now I am not sad, even though I know of the difficult and uneven road ahead, but I am tiny speck of victorious. Because even though this is only one step, it is a step. And it's a step forward. Yes, I'll probably make twenty steps back until I see another step forward, but that is exactly why I cherish my victory today. 

[california1123]

Side effects of Citalopram (celexa)

today is day three of me taking 10mg of citalopram/celexa once a day. the first couple of days I noticed that I was extremely tired, like almost knocked out from this medication. I also noticed a decrease in appetite. because it made me so tired, today I took it later on in my day, so I would be more tired at the time of bed. another side effect I noticed was aggression or anger, but more of an aggression. I have NEVER been an aggressive or assertive person, I've always been very calm, so this is something completely new for me. some of me does not like this, but a small part likes it and I feel like taking up boxing lol. so not me. another thing is that as far as treating my depression, this medication does not seem to be doing anything to help out. if anything, I think I feel more depressed on it. but then again, it has only been thee days. tomorrow is my fourth session in therapy. hope all goes well. 

[california1123]

psychiatrist.

friday was the first time I went to a psychiatrist. ever. she asked me to describe what I am going through and said that I had depression and anxiety. she prescribed me Citalopram (celexa), 10mg taken once a day for one week, then 20mg once a day after the first week. I have been on it for two days, so two pills so far and this is how it makes me feel. I feel extremely tired about four hours after taking the pill. I also feel somewhat foggy and kind of out of it, like I am sleepwalking maybe, or just not really present. also, I feel a decreased attraction towards food, which to me is a positive sign, because, hey, I could loose a few pounds. I don't know if these side effects will last, get better, or worse, but I'll keep the blog up to date, and describe my progress. tomorrow I'll be taking the pill for the third time. hopefully I won't be so tired, because my Spring 2013 semester starts at college on monday, and I need to be able to function in class full time. 

[california1123]

therapy.

january 10, 2013 was the first time I told anyone about my struggles in day to day life. I confessed to my doctor, ob/gyn, that I was feeling down a lot, really sad, and that this has been going on for a long time, over two years. I described other symptoms, and she said I had depression and referred me to a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have had three sessions of therapy so far. during my first session, the therapist asked me how I was feeling and what I was experiencing, and confirmed that I have depression and some anxiety. during my second session we talked about my family history and my history. during the third session we set goals that I want to achieve through therapy. each session is about 40-50 minutes long, and before the session I have to fill out a survey which asks me how I am doing. monday will be my fourth session in therapy. hopefully the therapist has some answers and suggestions for me, because so far the therapy has not been helpful. 

[california1123]

myself.

hello everyone, or maybe just ONE person who will be reading this. my name is Cali and I'm 22 years old. I have been struggling to survive for the past couple of years and especially for the past couple of months. my struggles have not been financial, but emotional and mental survival in the day to day life. I have really lost myself in the past two years and I do not like this realization. this is my struggle and battle to regain the girl that I was before, to find her and bring her back to LIFE.