depression and bad thoughts
I wonder how sick I am sometimes. Surely 'normal' people would say that I am sick and messed up if they were ever able to hear my thoughts. My thoughts even scare me. Why do I always wish the worst on myself? What is wrong with me? I feel so guilty because when I hear that someone is sick with cancer, I feel jealous. Yes, jealous. My desire to die is omnipresent. Always within me. Where did it come from? Where is it's origin? Why am I so messed up and fucked up? Was I always like this or was this the result of some even in my life that seems to be stronger than me? Who has the answers to all of my questions? Who? But the topic remains unanswered. Why is it that I am so drawn to death? Why do I want to be dead? I have so many things in life to be thankful for and I am truly grateful for them, so why can not I appreciate them and really feel them? Why does my desire to be dead overcome the few moments of joy and inspiration that brighten this life of mine? And it's not just that I want to be dead, I wish to be sick, such as with cancer. How fucked up am I? To ever wish that on myself? I guess maybe cancer will give me an excuse to die because I would never be able to commit suicide. It's a good thing no one knows me here on tumblr. I am sure anyone who knows me in real life would not believe that I am the author of these words. After all, how could a pretty blonde straight A student and a university ever feel the desire to be anything but happy? I guess they will never know. But sometimes I get tired of being the only one who knows. Sometimes I wish that someone would share my secret with me. But I could never expose myself to my family or friends. I could not bare the thought of hurting them like this. So here I am. Dealing with this basically on my own. Tumblr is not even much help. I don't have any followers. But really, it's not even about that. For me, it's just about expressing myself and letting my thoughts out into the world. I can not know who will read them, if anyone, but like I said, that's not the point. The point is hope and self expression. And the dearest wish to me is that I am cured of myself and this self destruction.