I’m getting my propaganda in early.
Sir John doesn’t drink. He also probably can’t text to save his life. If he did have a cheeky drink, he’d probably spend 40 minutes blearily staring at the phone screen, holding it half an inch from his face, trying to send a Boomer Wine Mom Minions meme, a really bad middle-aged man selfie, or a ‘Francis, it really pains me to say this, but you are mean and I know you think you’re better than me, but I think you should probably go to AA” text and then eventually passing out. Only to realise, come the dawn and the inevitable beer fear, that he was on the calculator app the whole time. Upside down.
Francis is a nasty drunk texter - you’re getting ripped a new arsehole, ignored, or sent the most obscene sort of lewds of his whiskey dick. OR YOU’RE GETTING THE 👍
Blanky would probably be quite merry - I get the feeling he prefers face to face convos and kinda thinks phones are killing everyone’s braincells. But every so often you’d get some random unhinged vid sent to you of him pulling off some drunk Jackass kinda shit. Or just the most generic sort of pics of his sunburnt feet in sandals at a BBQ. Otherwise, you’re getting the 👍 or left on seen (if you’re lucky) because he forgets he even has a phone.
James mostly sends tasteful thirst traps or a bitchy text before ghosting, when he’s drunk. The ghosting is the worst part. He’ll offload randomly on you and then cut you dead and cut you off without a sweat and reinstall Grindr - if he doesn’t like your response, that is, or feels ignored, invalidated, embarrassed etc. Otherwise, he will be up your arse sending you songs and memes - “saw this and it reminded me of you 🥰”
Dundy sends you a “u up?” at 4am and then ghosts you because he got a better offer.
Hodge would be horrific - you’re getting all his trauma at 2am. Ditto Edward. He’s stoic, he’s steadfast, he does his best and his duty…but oh man, all those barely repressed self esteem issues are coming out after the club (who am I kidding, Nedward isn’t at the club. He’s at home with the Netflix screen glaring at him - are you still watching?) - I jst rly get the feeling you don’t like me and I don’t understand why tho?????? Ditto for Collins, post breakdown. Utter depression. With the occasional high as a kite “guess where I am” picture where he’s, inexplicably, in the midst of the most beautiful scenery you’ve ever seen - sunset, beach, mountain, field of wildflowers and looking absolutely chuffed with his life.
Goodsir sends lots of emojis and random pics of dogs and cats and pigeons he’s encountered on his late night adventures.
Hickey does not drunk text. He would never put himself in that position. He loves getting drunk texts though 😈
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